Issue48 诚心求拍，有拍必回~~~~~~

bolai808UID: 2206779

Issue48 诚心求拍，有拍必回~~~~~~

"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."


------摘要------

共用时间：57分1秒     477 words
1.无名英雄为重大历史事件的发生做了有效的前期准备工作；
2.无名英雄是重大历史事件的主要执行者；
3.名人是促使重大历史时间发生的杰出代表，即对重大历史事件的发生起了推动作用；


------正文------
Who are responsible for the most significant events and trends in history, the famous few, or the groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten? The speaker holds that the latter one takes in charge of the significant events and trends in history. I fundamentally agree with this assertion, since it is the groups of people who fulfill the preparing work in favor of important events taking place and practically succeed in realizing the significant trends in history.



Primarily, the anonymous persons have done the main background work in order to allow the glorious events and trends in history to come true, because it could not be probable that the glorious events are only finished by the famous few. there are a myriad of instances which may substantiate this opinion: no one could imagine that Newton might find the gravity of the earth without the establishment of sun-centered theory and analytical geometry; no one could conceive that Adam Smith could write the classic political economics work, the wealth of nations, without the occurrence of industrious revolution; no one could fancy that Beethoven would finish the music transition from classical to romantic composition without the predecessor's assiduous exploring. The above cases soundly demonstrate the importance of groups of people in the historical significant events.




Additionally, persons forgotten by history are just the main conductors, who fulfill the most important contribution to the occurrence of the significant events. Simply put, during the Depression of America, the Roosevelt administration decided to carry out New Deal to alleviate the economic crisis and dispatch troops to help Europe to resist the Nazis’ invasion. If the masses in America did not uphold this policy to participate in the economy reconstruction and were not willing to be recruited to the army to maintain the world peace, we could not imagine this policy could be realized only by Roosevelt’s own, the president of America. This example illustrates that it is the forgettable individuals who actually ride the way of history.



Admittedly, the groups of people have played important role in the history, but we do not deny the famous few are an indispensable part during the historical events. Take the renowned Blackman leader, Martin Luther King, for example, it is this famous speaker, addressed the speech of I have a dream, who pointed out the orientation when the racial resist movement trapped into chaos. And the outcome is the court sentenced that the racial separation was illegal in the Montgomery Bus System. This fact tells us that the famous few also make contribution to the significant trends in history.




In conclusion, both the people who have been forgotten and the famous few are dedicated themselves to the historical events and trends. However, what we should emphasize is that the groups of people are more important than the famous few in the process of history.

[ 本帖最后由 bolai808 于 2007-3-20 20:41 编辑 ]

iq28UID: 2152875

下次把题目贴上来.谢谢

Issue48
"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."

Who are responsible for the most significant events and trends in history, the famous few, or the groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten? The speaker holds that the latter one takes in charge of the significant events and trends in history. I fundamentally agree with this assertion, since it is the groups of people who fulfill the preparing work in favor of important events taking place and practically succeed in realizing the significant trends in history. (简明.其实第一句不要可以更简明呵呵.)



Primarily, the anonymous persons have done the main background (background不等于前期准备工作.与提纲不符.从而导致实战中第一个body跟第二个body观念层次没有拉开) work in order to allow the glorious events and trends in history to come true, because it could not be probable that the glorious events are only finished by the famous few. (拗口) there are a myriad of instances which may substantiate this opinion: no one could imagine that Newton might find the gravity of the earth without the establishment of sun-centered theory and analytical geometry; (这个例子过分了.牛顿发现地球引力跟日心说有关?Moreover, 这个例子也没有强调出牛顿的这些理论是建立在众多无名者的基础上.完全失败的例子.) no one could conceive that Adam Smith could write the classic political economics work, the wealth of nations, without the occurrence of industrious revolution; (同上第二个批驳点) no one could fancy that Beethoven would finish the music transition from classical to romantic composition without the predecessor's assiduous exploring. (没有对于例子的分析,直接就是下面的soundly demonstrate,很糟糕) The above cases soundly demonstrate the importance of groups of people in the historical significant events. (大忌.基本没有看见正面论证)




Additionally, persons forgotten by history are just the main conductors, who fulfill the most important contribution to the occurrence of the significant events. Simply put, during the Depression of America, the Roosevelt administration decided to carry out New Deal to alleviate the economic crisis and dispatch troops to help Europe to resist the Nazis’ invasion. (大家都知道罗斯福的新政是啥,而且重点要论述的既然是集体,个人的这些就不要多说) If the masses in America did not uphold this policy to participate in the economy reconstruction and were not willing to be recruited to the army to maintain the world peace, we could not imagine this policy could be realized only by Roosevelt’s own, the president of America. (同上.我都没有批驳的地方,因为论证都没有影子.例子结束就直接收尾了) This example illustrates that it is the forgettable individuals who actually ride the way of history.



Admittedly, (把后面的but去掉前面加although读起来更通顺) the groups of people have played important role in the history, but we do not deny the famous few are an indispensable part during the historical events. Take the renowned Blackman leader, Martin Luther King, for example, it is this famous speaker, addressed the speech of I have a dream, who pointed out the orientation when the racial resist movement trapped into chaos. And the outcome is the court sentenced that the racial separation was illegal in the Montgomery Bus System. (成果不必累述.例子只需阐述可以支持ts的方面) This fact tells us that the famous few also make contribution to the significant trends in history. (还是缺乏正面论证.读起来淡而无味,没有说服力.)




In conclusion, both the people who have been forgotten and the famous few are dedicated themselves to the historical events and trends. However, what we should emphasize is that the groups of people are more important than the famous few in the process of history.

整体框架没有问题
但是段内基本看不到正面论证
单纯ts 然后例子 然后说这个例子告诉我们什么 就没有了
我都没有太多可以下手改的地方:L
多多看看别人的文章
学习下别人是怎么正面强攻的.

bolai808UID: 2206779

原帖由 iq28 于 2007-3-19 03:48 发表
下次把题目贴上来.谢谢

谢谢修改
不好意思，这次忘记把题目贴上了，

bolai808UID: 2206779

原帖由 iq28 于 2007-3-19 03:48 发表
Who are responsible for the most significant events and trends in history, the famous few, or the groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten? The speaker holds that the latter one takes in charge of the significant events and trends in history. I fundamentally agree with this assertion, since it is the groups of people who fulfill the preparing work in favor of important events taking place and practically succeed in realizing the significant trends in history. (简明.其实第一句不要可以更简明呵呵.)

关于开头，我是套的模版，个人也比较喜欢这种开头的方式，为了简明我做了如下修改：
Who are responsible for the most significant events and trends in history, the elite, or the masses? The speaker holds that the latter one takes in charge of it. I fundamentally agree with this assertion, since it is the masses who fufill the preparing work·········

[ 本帖最后由 bolai808 于 2007-3-19 22:15 编辑 ]

bolai808UID: 2206779

关于下面的body我还在思考怎么去修改，
因为我提纲里列的前期准备工作和主要执行人这两个方面，
感觉确实比较相近，很不容易拉开论述，
改好了会附上来，
还是谢谢你的建议，很中肯，thanx!