issue59 不奢求被拍，只求评一下分

mkciUID: 2307333

各位牛人帮个忙啊
小女子在此先谢了

TOPIC: ISSUE59 - "Too much emphasis is placed on role models. Instead of copying others, people should learn to think and act independently and thus make the choices that are best for them."
WORDS: 420          TIME: 上午 12:45:00          DATE: 2007-3-27

基本同意
1、模范的好处
2、模范的坏处
3、独立的好处
4、独立的坏处

There has been a widespread controversy on whether people should copy others or act independently. While the speaker claims the latter, I would contend to call for a balance in which both the role models and individual characters, considering the positive and negative sides of both factors.

To begin with, one has to admit the merit of existence of role models. To be selected and modeled, one is surely known for certain characters and abilities that can inspire and guide ordinary people. Such characters involve hard-working, courage, honesty, and so forth, all of which are the necessities for the success. The role models, or the so-called "heroes", not only demonstrate the possibilities to achieve one's goal with his or her own hand, but also inspire the people in moral and ethical areas, which is really matters. Generally speaking, the nonstop appearance of  innumerable heroes in all fields and throughout all the process of history, from Lincoln to Martin Luther King, from Newton to Edison, From Shakespeare to Mark Twain, is the result of innate needs of human beings.

However, role models cannot be placed too much emphasis on. As the old saying goes, "No two leaves in the world are the same completely." Similarly, no two people's successful experiences owe to the same things and follow the same ways. Therefore, if one models his or her hero in each detail, even the hairstyle and dressing, it is most possible that he or she lose himself or herself in the emulating, instead of achieving success as his or her idol. Furthermore, were all the citizens of a nation admire their models nearly to the crazy level, like the people in China did in 1960's when Chairman Mao was in charge,  the whole country would be in danger.

When it comes to individual independence, it may also be a two-edged sword which needs careful handling. One the one hand, thinking, acting and making choices independently do serve for better lives for people. Since liberty and distinctiveness has been the core of values in nowaday society, the people should depend more on themselves.

On the other hand, too much independence may be of little help in people's lives. After all, communication and identities are part of human natures, and only cooperating with others can attain them.

In the final analysis, both the modeling others and acting independently are not exclusive of each other. What we need to do is weigh them equally in order to get a better life.



[ 本帖最后由 mkci 于 2007-3-27 23:02 编辑 ]

iq28UID: 2152875

There has been a widespread controversy on whether people should copy others (直接点出model吧) or act independently. While the speaker claims the latter, I would contend to call for a balance in which both the role models and individual characters, considering the positive and negative sides of both factors. (非常清楚给出观念.赞)

To begin with, one has to admit the merit of existence of role models. To be selected and modeled, one is surely known for certain characters and abilities that can inspire and guide ordinary people. (论证很成熟.) Such characters (转的很流畅,而且这句的后半段就把优秀品质和普通人的成功联系了起来.bingo) involve hard-working, courage, honesty, and so forth, all of which are the necessities for the success. The role models, or the so-called "heroes", (用处不大,可以删掉) not only demonstrate the possibilities to achieve one's goal with his or her own hand, but also inspire the people in moral and ethical areas, which is really matters. (这句在构成段落结构上效果不是很好.和上面的逻辑联系不紧密) Generally speaking, the nonstop appearance of  innumerable heroes in all fields and throughout all the process of history, from Lincoln to Martin Luther King, from Newton to Edison, From Shakespeare to Mark Twain, is the result of innate needs of human beings. (到了这里就有点不知所云了.跟前面内容脱节.段落的开头写的很好)

However, role models cannot be placed too much emphasis on. As the old saying goes, "No two leaves in the world are the same completely." Similarly, no two people's successful experiences owe to the same things and follow the same ways. (转折略微有点勉强.前一个body强调的是学习model的品质,并不是学习经验.改进方法可以考虑在上一段前半部分写学习品质,后半部分讲学习经验.然后这段攻击过度学习经验有害) Therefore, if one models his or her hero in each detail, even the hairstyle and dressing, (夸张了.有点突兀) it is most possible that he or she lose himself or herself in the emulating, instead of achieving success as his or her idol. (这里最好要论证是如何迷失自我的) Furthermore, were all the citizens of a nation admire their models nearly to the crazy level, like the people in China did in 1960's when Chairman Mao was in charge,  the whole country would be in danger. (很不错的观念,可以详细讲一个body的,可惜只是提到一句就结束了)

(有点突兀,和前面的body之间关系不明) When it comes to individual independence, (这个ts不好.前面一个body就是在讲individual的问题了,这里再提,明显重合了) it may also be a two-edged sword which needs careful handling. One the one hand, thinking, acting and making choices independently do serve for better lives for people. Since liberty and distinctiveness has been the core of values in nowaday society, the people should depend more on themselves. (论证太浅.觉得和前面两个body差距很大)

On the other hand, too much independence may be of little help in people's lives. After all, communication and identities are part of human natures, and only cooperating with others can attain them. (论证得这么浅不如不说了.)

In the final analysis, both the modeling others and acting independently are not exclusive of each other. What we need to do is weigh them equally in order to get a better life.

前两个body体现的是4+的水平
后两个body不知为什么写那么短
而且感觉后面两个body跟前面两个body完全不是一个体系
就像是另外一篇文章里面节选出来的

不用写那么多的ts出来论证
集中火力写好3-4个就好
你的段首ts加上段内的分ts太多了

加油
总体看还是可以接受的文章

expire7UID: 2160574

如果不加独立的坏处感觉前面三个互相配合比较配合题目。怎么无故又加一个独立的坏处？I是自圆其说就行，不是A需要无懈可击。
首段切合题目不够，明显不能合适的展开题目。第一句就与题目相差甚远。虽然后面拉了回来，总让人觉得你有审题不准的嫌疑。
后面几段，虽然在思路和逻辑上面比较配合中心。但是在句子表述和例子选取上面都还不够火候。proper one is good。过多过大反而让你的文章有逻辑漏洞。
加油！

mkciUID: 2307333

谢谢两位版主的意见和鼓励

to iq
后两body写成那样是因为时间很不够
通常都是最后5分钟写文章后一半的
总是控制不好时间

to expire7
我之所以写独立的坏处
是因为首段ts中提到了积极和消极
觉得不写不好
个人也觉得勉强
还有啊
冒昧请求你对于首段该如何展开能做个简单示范么
万谢啊……

mkciUID: 2307333

废了很长时间来修改的
可是到了考场我肯定写不出这么长的
400多字是我极限了
哎……
着急啊

There has been a widespread controversy on the issue that whether too much emphasis is placed on models instead of acting independently. While the speaker claims so, I would contend to call for a balance in which both the role models and individual characters, considering the positive and negative sides of both factors.

To begin with, one has to admit the merit of existence of role models. To be selected and modeled, one is surely known for certain characters and abilities that can inspire and guide ordinary people. Such characters, involving hard-working, courage, honesty, and so forth, are the necessities for the success. Therefore, inspired by the examples of high morality and ethics, one is courageous enough to insist on what he or she pursues for, and to face whatever problems and difficulties appearing in their process to the dream. Besides, the reason why models are models is to some extent relevant to their great achievements. And their experience to reach them can be emulated by ordinary people. For example, by following the instructions in Jack Welch’s Straight from the Gut, a book reflects the essential rules telling a worker or businessman what to do and what not to do from the perspective of one of the world’s top 500 companies’ CEO, one may make less mistakes, and thus acquire more success, if not the same as Jack Welch, than before at the least.

However, role models cannot be placed too much emphasis on. As the old saying goes, "No two leaves in the world are the same completely." Similarly, no two people's successful experiences owe to the same factors and follow the same paths. Hence, if one relies on completely his or her hero’s way to success without considering own conditions, it is more possible that he or she lose himself or herself than achieving success as his or her idol. It is common that contemporary adolescents are so fanatical for a popular singer or actor that they copy each detail of their idol’s appearance and behavior, from the clothes to hairstyle, from the talking habits and walking motions. It is even occasionally heard that some of them commit suicide only because of the news that their idol is going to get married.

Furthermore, were all the citizens of a nation admire their models nearly to the crazy level, like the people in China did in 1960's when Chairman Mao was in charge,  the whole country would be in danger. What most Chinese people concentrated on in those days, was reading the words of Mao and rushing to the capital in order to see Mao even for a glance. The horrible consequence was that the economic order and transportation of China nearly collapsed and the societal systems were hung by a thread. Those miserable days remind both the Chinese and other nations’ people of the damage of emulating and admiring blindly, not only to individuals, but also to the whole nations.

In the meantime, it cannot be overlooked the importance of one’s independence. On the one hand, thinking independently helps people fostering initiative, creativity and imagination, which are essential to one’s future career and society’s further development. Examining the history of science, one has to admit that no great progress in the field were not springing from one’s independent thought and ideas, even if some of them are obtained “on the shoulder of giants”. On the other hand, when it comes to action, independence is also crucial. One who relies much on others usually receives discrimination from people around him or her, and is marked with “unable” in the sense of lacking ability to live on his or her own. After all, it is the core of present society that depending on oneself to strive.

In the final analysis, both the modeling others and acting independently are not exclusive of each other. What we need to do is weigh them equally in order to get a better life.

mkciUID: 2307333

再顶一下……