argument38

pippo1983UID: 172110

TOPIC: ARGUMENT38 - The following memo appeared in the newsletter of the West Meria Public Health Council.

"An innovative treatment has come to our attention that promises to significantly reduce absenteeism in our schools and workplaces. A study reports that in nearby East Meria, where fish consumption is very high, people visit the doctor only once or twice per year for the treatment of colds. Clearly, eating a substantial amount of fish can prevent colds. Since colds are the reason most frequently given for absences from school and work, we recommend the daily use of Ichthaid, a nutritional supplement derived from fish oil, as a good way to prevent colds and lower absenteeism."
WORDS: 410          TIME: 0:22:07          DATE: 2007-3-26

The author concludes that people in East Meria should use ichthaid every day to prevent cold and lower absenteeism. However, ,based on unsound causality and groundless evidence, the deduction is unconvincing.）

To begin with, the mere fact that people in nearby East Meria who often eat fish only visit doctor once or twice per year fails to establish any causality between them. First, there is no evidence to show whether fish can directly contribute to reduce occurrence of cold. The author fails to consider other explanations for lower cold rate. For instance, perhaps the climate in the place is very pleasant and stable which can help reduce the chances of getting colds. Or these people usually do more exercises and their immune systems are strong as a result, which lower the possibilities of getting cold. Besides, only visiting doctor for once or twice a year is not equal with only getting a cold once or twice a year. It is possible that most people do not need to see a doctor because their colds are not very serious. Without ruling out these possibilities, the author can not convince us.

What is more, it is uncertain that colds are the most frequent reason for absenteeism. The author does not provide any evidence to support this claim. It is possible that most absentees just use getting a cold as an excuse to escape from working. Maybe they just feel too tired to go to work and just use the excuse to have a rest. More accurate study about their real reason for absenteeism is needed to support this assertion.

Finally, even if cold is the reason for absences from work and school, and fish can help prevent colds, it is hardly to accept that the ichthaid, a supplement from fish can prevent colds. We do not know which element of fish is helpful to prevent colds. If it is not something from the fish oil which is essential for the prevention, the recommendation of eating the ichthaid will be useless. Besides, whether the recommendation is feasible is questionable. There is no evidence that the cost of this supplement is affordable. Granted that it helps to reduce the chances of getting colds, most people will still benefit from it if the price is inhibitive. More details about the effects and price of the supplement is needed to support the conclusion.

In sum, the conclusion suffers from many flaws and defects which make the conclusion disputable. Unless further evidence is provided by the author, the conclusion is open to doubt.

[ 本帖最后由 pippo1983 于 2007-3-30 09:59 编辑 ]

ILOVEISSUEUID: 2300195

提几个建议
1。第一个body两个层次换一下 有让步关系。 总结句太简单了，有点不知所云
2。第二个body可以和第三个body合并，独立一段略显单薄
3。第三个body中price作者没有这层逻辑，不能乱批
段内可以增加逻辑关系，多让步，不仅仅是段与段之间让步

pippo1983UID: 172110

谢谢强人指点！！！:handshake

iq28UID: 2152875

The author concludes that people in East Meria (是wm.不可饶恕的错误) should use ichthaid every day to prevent cold and lower absenteeism. However, based on unsound causality and groundless evidence, the deduction is unconvincing.

To begin with, the mere fact that people in nearby East Meria who often eat fish only visit doctor once or twice per year fails to establish any causality between them. First, there is no evidence to show whether fish can directly contribute to reduce occurrence of cold. The author fails to consider other explanations for lower cold rate. (两句话衔接不好前面说无因果,后面直接说其它例子了) For instance, perhaps the climate in the place is very pleasant and stable which can help reduce the chances of getting colds. Or these people usually do more exercises and their immune systems are strong as a result, which lower the possibilities of getting cold. (不错的反例列举) Besides, only visiting doctor for once or twice a year is not equal with only getting a cold once or twice a year. It is possible that most people do not need to see a doctor because their colds are not very serious. (和上面的论述不是一个层次.应该要拉开.可以考虑放在前面构成让步.放在后面也可以,不过要显示出两段的层次差别,这个层次是攻击了根基) Without ruling out these possibilities, the author can not convince us.

What is more, it is uncertain that colds are the most frequent reason for absenteeism. (要提出旷工旷课者提出的reason不一定是真实的reason,否则你的ts看上去就有攻击背景之嫌) The author does not provide any evidence to support this claim. It is possible that most absentees just use getting a cold as an excuse to escape from working. Maybe they just feel too tired to go to work and just use the excuse to have a rest. (提出了别的可能性确没有说出作者提出的建议会怎么失效) More accurate study about their real reason for absenteeism is needed to support this assertion.

Finally, even if cold is the reason for absences from work and school, and fish can help prevent colds, it is hardly to accept that the ichthaid, a supplement from fish can prevent colds. We do not know which element of fish is helpful to prevent colds. (bingo.截至目前看到的攻击fish不等于ichthaid里面最好的句子) If it is not something from the fish oil which is essential for the prevention, the recommendation of eating the ichthaid will be useless. Besides, whether the recommendation is feasible is questionable. There is no evidence that the cost of this supplement is affordable. Granted that it helps to reduce the chances of getting colds, most people will still benefit from it if the price is inhibitive. (cost作者没涉及,没必要攻击) More details about the effects and price of the supplement is needed to support the conclusion. (攻击顺序选取不合理.前面的旷课矿工现象的解决方法就已经是ichthaid了,这里再攻击i的有效性,不好)

In sum, the conclusion suffers from many flaws and defects which make the conclusion disputable. Unless further evidence is provided by the author, the conclusion is open to doubt.

整体布局不是很好
段内中规中矩