作业

lj331shuiUID: 2332145

With the development of science and technology, computer use has been more and more popular. They are used in business, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. However, I believe we should treat correctly to the computer.


The computer has brought some convenience to people. People can acquire some latest information by internet; we can make friends with the whole world; people can even buy something they want by computer; in the future computer will be used in larger area.


Firstly, It takes negative affection on children who were indulged in computer games. Children are so busying in computer games that they have little time doing homework, which effect children’s studying .At the same time, due to the long time sitting in front of computer, many children have to wear glasses. What is more, since we communicate with people around all over the world by computer, people seldom pay a visit to each other. As a result, people are alienate to relations . Last but not least, the computer has exited some safety problem. For example, there are many hake who attract other people’s computer to steal the important information, which impairs other person’s prosper safety


Therefore, we should pay more attention to the benefit of the computer. We should not dependent completely on the computer.

各位大侠，能帮我修改吗？提提意见。。。六月要考试，这是第一篇作业，写了很久，嗨，太久没写，头脑生锈。。

灵雨离子UID: 2332383

你的作业应是我来改吧，你写得好快，我刚写完第一个图表的，其它的还没有看，我今天晚改你这篇，明天和我的第一个发上来，一共有5篇呢吧

灵雨离子UID: 2332383

With the development of science and technology, computer has been used more and more popular. They take part in (are used避免重复) business, hospitals, crime detection and even (to) fly planes. However, I believe we should treat correctly to the computer.


The computer has brought some convenience to people. People can acquire some latest information by internet; we can make friends with the whole world; people can even buy something they want through the (by) computer; in the future computer will be used in larger area.

这里缺少过渡，上面说computer的好，一下子下面就说negative affection ，应有句转折

Firstly,（后文没有第二点，这里最好用一句转折的话代替）it takes negative affection on children who (were indulged) indulge in computer games. Children are so busying in computer games that they have little time doing homework, in short, the computer (which) affects children’s studying .At the same time, due to the long time sitting in front of computer, and many children have to wear glasses. What is more, since we communicate with people around all over the world by computer, people seldom pay a visit to each other. As a result, people are alienated to relations. Last but not least, the computer has exited some safety problem. For example, there are many hake who attract other people’s computer to steal the important information, which impairs other person’s prosper safety （最好不要多句套从句）


Therefore, we should pay more attention to the benefit of the computer. We should not dependent completely on the computer.（结尾应写得精彩些）

总结：一些词汇用得还是不错，但我感觉，写议论文应持中庸的态度，你写的有些偏向computer的不利，因为不利的篇幅很长，利的部分只有几句，而且两者间缺少转折。

[ 本帖最后由 灵雨离子 于 2007-5-1 18:43 编辑 ]

yidi mercuryUID: 195299

5分。。。总体感觉你的英语水平较差，用了摸版词汇。。但是语法需要改进。。
段落太少。。好好加油把。。