六月IELTS 七分保底小组 (A类)第一次作业(完成3/5) Wushasha

wushashaUID: 2289713

First Composition - 1-1.GIF

The diagram given above, presented by bar chart, is both interesting and instructive and shows the fluctulation of the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories.
As illustrated in the diagram, three categories of people are divided based on their number of children: without children, with 1-2 children and with more than 3 children. On one hand, along with the increase of children number, umpaid work hours per week of married women goes up accordingly from 30 to about 53 hours. However, on the other hand, for the married men upaid work hous per week keeps steady from category 1 to 3, and is about 18 hours.
It is goes without saying that the diagram aim at revealing a common fact, which need to pay more attention to, that the married women spent much more time than men on their children. There is no reason to make a fuss about this phenomenon, from the traditional aspect, women are considered to take care for the family and children, while the men earn money to support their family. (182 words)

First Composition - 1-4.GIF

Along with the rapid development of science and teachnology, people’s living level improve a lot and their demands for television and newspaper programs increase correspondingly. The questions under dabate are what fators influence the decisions to broadcast on television and print in newspapers; do we become used to bad news, and would it be better if more good news was reported?
In my opinion, there are several factors influence the editors decisions on program. Firstly, financial support is of great importance. Those editors who want to earn much more money for their staffs must broadcast or print charming programs that can attract audiences or readers, or they will terminate because none want to watch or read them. Secondly, the programs they broadcast and print must be accord with the audiences’ taste. None like to watch boring advertisements and meaningless progams.
Most people have become used to bad news, especially about some famous sports players or singers, and more and more youngers around me go into raptures at merely mention of bad news about the disatrous or other unpredictable things. This may be entertainments for their spare time, just as other people like to learn good news. As far as I concerned, it is hard to say whether it is a better thing or not if more good news was reported. Most important of all, the people’s concern on news not determined by good or bad news, but the latest and newest. Take sports for example, most of the people will be glad when hear that China players got a lot of golden medals in Olympic Games and Yao Ming, a good basketball player in NBA, got a high score.
Just as old saying goes, “everything has two sides”. Both good and bad news can attract the audiences and reader’s eyes. (300 words)

First Composition - 1-5.GIF

Along with the rapid development of science and technology, computers are becoming more and more advanced, and they are widely used in many aspects, for example, businesses, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. Comuputers are becoming a common and indispensable tool for the average people all over the world.
There is no denying that computers have played extremely important roles in promoting our society, which make our life less laborious and more efficient. An increasing number of people believe that computers will continue to exert dramtical roles and do many works for human in the future. Many experts are trying to produce a car cotrolled by computer that need no driver and can effectively decrease the traffic accidents. It will be a common traffic tool sooner or later. On the other hand, robots will be available along the development of computer industry and It can imagine some years later that to obtain an intelligent robot is an ordiary pople’s desire as well as a person’s need for a computer nowadays. I believe that all the thing that we want to use computers will be come into truth in the future.
However, many people point out that our dependence on computers may not a good thing and should be more suspicious of their benefits. We must admit that with the progress in computer industry, many other negative aspects like virus, intelligent cirme will increase correspondingly. But compared with their advantages, I am firmly convinced that computers’ advantages far overweigh disadvantages. We should encourgae people to learn and exploit new hard, soft wares and programs, that can prevent negative aspects sufficiently.
There is no invention receiving more prais and abuse than computers. Just as an old saying goes, “everything has two sides”. Although computers have disadvantages, we should try our best to make good use of them. (307 words)

H-KevinUID: 2182070

First Composition - 1-1.GIF

1-1.GIF

The diagram given above, presented by bar chart, is both interesting and instructive(要比较客观的分析,第一段主题是不是不宜使用这样主观的形容词) and(两个and离的这么近 有点不利于主题句的理解) shows the fluctulation of the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories.

As illustrated in the diagram, three categories of people are divided based on their number of children: without children, with 1-2 children and with more than 3 children. On one hand, along with the increase of children number, umpaid work hours per week of married women goes up accordingly from 30 to about 53 hours. However, on the other hand, for the married men upaid work hous(注意单词的拼写) per week keeps steady from category 1 to 3, and is about 18 hours.

It is goes without saying that the diagram aim at revealing a common fact, which need to pay more attention to, that the married women spent much more time than men on their children. There is no reason to make a fuss about this phenomenon, from the traditional aspect,(两个插入语的意义一样的,形势上是不是有两个同时存在的必要) women are considered to take care for the family and children, while the men earn money to support their family.

总评
1.词汇比较丰富,但是摸板词汇比较多
2.如能把第三个图,男性时间随着孩子数增加而减少写成第三段的话,字数会超过两百,更漂亮
3.比我写的好
4.有不同意见,大家互相讨论

[ 本帖最后由 H-Kevin 于 2007-5-3 16:40 编辑 ]

H-KevinUID: 2182070

First Composition - 1-4.GIF

Along with the rapid development of science and teachnology, people’s living level improve(人称单复数) a lot and their demands for television and newspaper programs increase correspondingly. The questions under dabate are what(which) fators influence the decisions to broadcast on television and print in newspapers; do we become used to bad news, and would it be better if more good news was reported?(这句话就是对原文的直接抄写,建议使用替换的方法重新描述)
(这一段需要自己的想法和一些新的东西,感觉不知道作者想要表达什么东西)

In my opinion, there are several factors influence the editors decisions on program. Firstly, financial support is of great importance. Those editors who want to earn much more money for their staffs must broadcast or print charming programs that can attract audiences or readers, or(这个连词使用的不好) they will terminate because none want to watch or read them(是不是应该使用虚拟语气). Secondly, the programs they broadcast and print must be accord with the audiences’ taste. None(这个词很少这么用) like to watch boring advertisements and meaningless progams.
(两个原因的句子结构最好保持一直,否则看起来很乱)

Most people have become used to bad news, especially about(这句话有问题) some famous sports players or singers, and more and more youngers around me go into raptures(没有这么夸张吧?) at merely mention of bad news about the disatrous or other unpredictable things. This may be entertainments for their spare time, just as other people like to learn good news. As far as I concerned, it is hard to say whether it is a better thing or not if more good news was reported. Most important of all, the people’s concern on news not determined by good or bad news, but the latest and newest. Take sports for example, most of the people will be glad when hear that China players got a lot of golden medals in Olympic Games and Yao Ming, a good basketball player in NBA, got a high score.(这个例子和前面那个Most important of all, the people’s concern on news not determined by good or bad news, 看不出来有直接关系)

Just as old saying goes, “everything has two sides”(这是作文里面最烂的一句话,强烈建议永远放弃使用). Both good and bad news can attract the audiences and reader’s eyes. (300 words)

1.单词拼写错误比较多,红色的都是错单词
2.段落里面层次结构不清晰
3.结尾段草草收笔,唯一感觉就是你写作文时间不够了!
4.对修改有异议我们再探讨

H-KevinUID: 2182070

First Composition - 1-5.GIF

Along with the rapid development of science and technology, computers are becoming more and more advanced, and they are widely used in many aspects, for example, businesses, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. Comuputers are becoming a common and indispensable tool for the average people(没有这种说法吧?) all over the world.

There is no denying that computers have played extremely important roles in promoting our society, which make our life less laborious and more efficient. An increasing number of people believe that computers will continue to exert dramtical roles and do many works for human in the future. Many experts are trying to produce a car cotrolled by computer that need no driver (好象不是这么表达的)and can effectively decrease the traffic accidents. It will be a common traffic tool sooner or later. On the other hand, robots will be available along the development of computer industry and It can imagine some years later that(短语的顺序) to obtain an intelligent robot is an ordiary pople’s desire as well as a person’s need for a computer nowadays. (没有看懂你这句话是什么意思)I believe that all the thing that we want to use computers will be come into truth in the future.(建议你在看一下从句的使用方法,特别是what 的用法,因为上一篇你也有同样的问题)

However, many people point out that our dependence on computers may not a good thing and should be more suspicious of their benefits. We must admit that with the progress in computer industry, many other negative aspects like virus, intelligent cirme will increase correspondingly. But compared with their advantages, I am firmly convinced that computers’ advantages far overweigh(好象不是这么表达的) disadvantages. We should encourgae people to learn and exploit new hard, soft wares(hardware and software不可以分开) and programs, that can prevent negative aspects sufficiently.

There is no invention receiving more prais and abuse(请确定这两个词的意思) than computers. Just as an old saying goes, “everything has two sides”.(原因同上) Although computers have disadvantages, we should try our best to make good use of them. (307 words)

1.单词拼写错误
2.从句的正确使用
3.同志你是不是一边查汉英字典一边写的作文?
4.对修改有异议我们再探讨

wushashaUID: 2289713

:loveliness: ，我是写好了，向电脑里输入的，可能出现了很多拼写错误，不好意思……下次一定改过来！非常感谢您的宝贵意见……

wushashaUID: 2289713

:loveliness: ，我是写好了，向电脑里输入的，可能出现了很多拼写错误，不好意思……下次一定改过来！非常感谢您的宝贵意见……
我的语法的确有点问题，大学的时候就不喜欢研究语法（:loveliness: ），我也是尽量避免使用自己不确定的从句，以后，看来还是需要加强训练的……

[ 本帖最后由 wushasha 于 2007-5-3 22:53 编辑 ]