Argument147 【0710G Victors互助小组】第1次作文

fengyinyangUID: 2321139

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

In this argument, the editorial concludes that the Whirlwind is about to reverse and increase dramatically in the next few months after two years decline. To substantiate the conclusion, the arguer cites a recent survey in which players took the lifelike graphics requiring the most up-to-date computers as the most important feature. And Whirlwind has just introduced several such games. In addition, the arguer assumes that 10-25 years old people are most likely to play the games. So they carry on a extensive advertising campaign directed at those people. But a careful examination of this Argument would reveal how groundless it is.
First of all, the reason of descend may be complex. The arguer simply contributes the decrease of their products to the features of their games, but he does not provide any evidence whether the qualities are indeed poor. Moreover, the inefficiency in management can result in the same consequence. The prices can also bring down the proportion in the market. So we can not simply assert that sale of the new games will increase. Without a clear identification, I can not be convinced that the strategy will reverse the adverse situation.
Secondly, people 10-25 years old, which the strategy of advertisement directed at, may not afford the expensive up-to-date computers. For most of them are students or something close to who are not independent in finance. Even if the games are attractive, the players without certain equipments will not buy the products.
Thirdly, the editorial doesn't take account of their competitors. The market is surely divided by several companies which may also try to improve their productions. If they bring in the higher quality and more competitive games, the Whirlwind will definitely be defeated and talking of accretion of sales will be a ideal dream.
Finally, the arguer provides no assurances that the survey on which the Argument depends is statistically reliable. There is no information indicating the features preferred by the samples of the survey are shared by the people 10 to 25 years old. Since the new strategy is based on the survey, the editorial has not mentioned the relation between the players and the consumers. The one who prefers the advanced-graphics may not be 10-25 age. If the advertisement were not aimed at the people who take part in the research, it will absolutely useless.
In sum, the argument is not persuasive as it stands. To make it more convincing, the arguer would have to provide more evidence concerning the reason why the sales diminish. To better evaluate the Argument, we would need more information regarding the competitors' information of their products and prices. Also, I need to know whether the 10-25 age people are the main part in the survey.

fengyinyangUID: 2321139

Tradition and modernization are incompatible. One must choose between them

Should students always raise a question whatever they study? The speaker tends to claim that skepticism must exist in their education. The attitude of criticism, especially in the field of science, has almost impelled all the subjects. It is essential in the social development. At the same time, acceptance is also indispensable while learning the principles and formulas.
Admittedly, some new theories are at first just suspicions of the tradition after the careful consideration. It is a rule that the former knowledge begins to show its limitation as the new evidences and problems gradually accumulate. The passive acceptance will lead to stagnancy for they may ignore the evolvement. But a skeptics will ponder on the collision between the classics and their ideology. Let’s bring our discussion to a more present and practical context. It can be given a concrete example to illustrate this point more appealing. As the greatest physical scientist in the 20 century, Einstein advanced the theory of relativity, which is definite a contradiction to the classic mechanics. And it started a new era in the physics area.
However, undue question and critics may cause some unexpected passive effects on the progress of study. The students should be correctly guided in case they spend amount of time on the insignificant details. This kind of skepticism will surely become an obstacle resulting in a waste of time. So mastery of the degree in criticism must plays a crucial part during the process of study.
Finally, from a personal perspective, we must take acceptance as a main access to the knowledge. Some principles and regulations, which is based on the reality and conclusion of elites, are the wealth of all the human-beings. It is the unassailable theory that we should assimilate and digest. For my part, from the primary school to the college, it was during this process that I built my system of knowledge through learning from all my teachers and books. They are the foundation to solve the difficulties now and they also should be a important part that can't be substituted in the further study or research.
In conclusion, suspicion can bring in progress in the exploring the unknown field and teacher need measures to encourage their students to question and challenge what they learned in a proper and selected way. As Descartes says: I think, therefore I am, criticism is the consequence of deliberate investigation. But all of these must based on the originally knowledge they have accepted.

小弟第一次写,写恶心了.....大家凑合着看吧

[ 本帖最后由 fengyinyang 于 2007-5-4 21:21 编辑 ]

mmbeeUID: 2316818

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

In this argument, the editorial concludes that the Whirlwind[主语和后面谓语搭配有些牵强,题目中给的搭配很标准: the sales trend of the W video games/reverse; the sales of W video-games/increase,还是精确一些好] is about to reverse and increase dramatically in the next few months after two years decline[a two-year decline in sales of W video games is about to be reversed, and that the sales will increase dramatically in the next few months],. To substantiate the conclusion, the arguer cites a recent survey in which players took[take…as…貌似搭配不太当] the lifelike graphics requiring the most up-to-date computers as the most important feature. And Whirlwind has just introduced several such games[此句And去掉,开头加 He then states/points out that W…,按照你写的可以理解成为这个是survey的内容]. In addition, the arguer assumes that 10-25 years old people[people 10-25 years old]are most likely to play the games[games with lifelike graphics]. So[孙远说尽量少用so,呵呵,过于口语化，therefore, consequently可代替]they[此处代词指代不明,应该是Whirlwind has carried] carry on a extensive advertising campaign directed at those people.[So这句话不应该单独成句，应该都在assume的从句里，两句是因果关系从句] But a careful examination of this Argument would reveal how groundless it is.

First of all, the reason of descend[sales decrease/decline, descend是动词] may be complex. The arguer simply contributes [attributes] the decrease of their products to the features of their games, but he does not provide any evidence whether the qualities [+of their video games] are indeed poor. Moreover[觉得此处你在解释其他的可能性原因，用moreover连接不太恰当It is entirely possible that other factors lead to the sales decrease. For instance,], the inefficiency in management can[may] result in the same consequence. The prices can also bring down the proportion in the market[我理解的是你想表达的是W高价带来市场减小: or the higher prices of W video games may reduce its market share, when compared with the prices of other competitors’ products]. So we [Therefore, we/ we thus 原因同上] can not simply assert that sale of the new games will increase. Without a clear identification [+with the actual cause of the sales decline of W], I can not be convinced that the strategy will reverse the adverse situation.

Secondly, people 10-25 years old, which the strategy of advertisement directed at, may not afford the expensive up-to-date computers. For most of them are students or something [?] close to who are not independent in finance.[For原因状语从句跟前，不能单独成句,for the reason that most of them are likely to be students without financial independence] Even if the games are attractive, the players without certain equipments will not buy the products.

Thirdly, the editorial doesn't take account of their competitors[take their competitors into account]. The market is surely divided by several companies which may also try to improve their productions. If they bring in the higher quality and more competitive games, the Whirlwind will definitely be defeated and talking of accretion of sales will be a[an] ideal dream. [这段需要再展开分析一下]

Finally, the arguer provides no assurances that the survey on which the Argument depends is statistically reliable. There is no information indicating the features preferred by the samples of the survey are shared by[这个用法不太好，are representative of] the people 10 to 25 years old. Since the new strategy is based on the survey, the editorial has not mentioned the relation between the players and the consumers.[这两句没有因果关系，] The one who prefers the advanced-graphics may not be 10-25 age. If the advertisement were not aimed at the people who take part in the research, it will absolutely useless.[1.注意不要用特别绝对的词汇，容易极端，用一些比较程度副词比较好。2. 我觉得这样说逻辑关系比较顺一些:Since the new strategy is based on the survey, if the people 10 to 25 years old are not the respondents who take part in the research, the strategy of the advertising campaign will not necessarily be effective.]

In sum, the argument is not persuasive as it stands. To make it more convincing, the arguer would have to provide more evidence concerning the reason why the sales diminish. To better evaluate the Argument, we would need more information regarding the competitors' information of[on] their products and prices. Also, I need to know whether the 10-25 age people are the main part[respondents] in the survey.

Suggestions:
1.一般写作格式是段与段之间空一行
2.继续熟悉典型逻辑错误；开始练习可以先列逻辑错误，方便展开写作。
3.argument的逻辑错误分析展开主要用的是列举他因，其他可能性等等，所以用词尽量用一些推测性语气的，可以多看一些闪光句型
4.写作表达尽量精确，eg: [+...]的部分，信息表达的全面才不会有漏洞，after all, writing makes one exact:)
5.加油:)

俺说的也不完全对，请选择接收:)

mmbeeUID: 2316818

Tradition and modernization are incompatible. One must choose between them

Should students always raise a question [concerning] whatever they study? The speaker tends to claim[claims is ok] that skepticism must exist in their[the pron. “their” is used unreasonably in here. delete] education[throughout the field of education]. The attitude of criticism, especially in the field of science, has almost impelled all the subjects. It is essential in the social development. [+ the conj. Moreover/ Furthermore, because assuming that you are trying to strengthen your opinion from the field of science to the social development] At the same time, acceptance is also indispensable while learning the principles and formulas. [3 suggestions for your first paragraph: 1. it is necessary and desirable for you to declare your stance or position for your whole argument. Normally, I claim my stance after citing the speaker’s claim, for your reference. 2. It is important to organize your views in a logical sequence. For example, in your first paragraph, as far as I am concerned, I will probably put the last sentence-one of your viewpoints-ahead of the two others regarding the importance of criticism to the field of science and social development, according to the sequence of importance from personal development to academic advancement to social benefits. 3. as my understanding, you introduce a new concept of criticism in here instead of skepticism. Maybe you need define “criticism” in here or change it back to skepticism.]

Admittedly, some new theories are at first just suspicions of the tradition after the careful consideration. It is a rule that the former knowledge begins to show its limitation as the new evidences[evidence] and problems gradually accumulate. The passive acceptance [Accepting conventions passively] will lead to stagnancy for[for the reason that] they may ignore the evolvement. But a skeptics[skeptic] will ponder on the collision between the classics and their ideology. Let’s bring our discussion to a more present and practical context. It can be given a concrete example to illustrate this point more appealing. [A concrete example aptly/appealingly illustrates this point:]As the greatest physical scientist in the 20 century, Einstein advanced the theory of relativity, which is definite[definitely] a contradiction to the classic mechanics. And it started a new era in the physics area. [Further analyzing the cause-effect relationship between Einstein’s skepticism towards the field of physics at his times and his great achievement will make the example support your viewpoint more effectively and persuasively.]

However, undue question and critics[skepticism] may cause some unexpected passive effects on the progress of study.[This is a good topic sentence]The students should be correctly guided in case they spend amount of time on the insignificant details. This kind of skepticism will surely become an obstacle resulting in a waste of time[an obstacle against progress and eventually result in a waste of time]. So[Therefore,]mastery of the degree in criticism must plays[play] a crucial part during the process of study.

Finally, from a personal[my] perspective, we must take acceptance as a main access to the knowledge.[Learning by acceptance grants us a main access to the knowledge system. Some principles and regulations, which is[are] based on the reality and conclusion of elites[you can delete which are], are the wealth of all the human-beings. It is the unassailable theory that we should assimilate and digest.[I think what you want to express is that some principles and regulations are unassailable theories…I am sorry, seems you always use pron. improperly] For my part,[In my experience], from the[delete] primary school to the[delete] college [+study], it was during this process that I built[have built] my system of knowledge through learning from all my teachers and books. They are the foundation to solve the difficulties now and they also should be a important part that can't be substituted in the further study or research.

In conclusion, suspicion can bring in[bring about] progress in the exploring the unknown field and teacher[teachers] need measures to encourage their students to question and challenge what they learned in a proper and selected way. As Descartes says: I think, therefore I am, criticism is the consequence of deliberate investigation. But all of these must based on the originally knowledge they have accepted.



Please read more sample articles and practice more exercises in sentence structure and grammars. 3hrs......

[ 本帖最后由 mmbee 于 2007-5-6 01:29 编辑 ]

fengyinyangUID: 2321139

谢谢啦~我会努力的~慢慢来吧