ISSUE48 请重点注意逻辑是否清晰

firedodoUID: 2295743

TOPIC: ISSUE 48 - "The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."
立场:人民大众在历史进程中发挥了不可磨灭的光辉灿烂的作用,但历史研究强调个人并没有问题
提纲:
1 任何重大的历史时间都凝聚了人民群众的力量
2 但是伟人的洞见和智慧运用这些力量作用于历史的发展
3 伟大人物的作品和思想往往体现并反映着当时的思潮,研究他们可以解读大众的观点.

一点解释:我没有辨析题目的前段的叙述真实与否,而是把它作为一个自明的命题予以接受.





Though it is unequal to turn blind eyes to the significant impact of forgotten mass, the emphasis on galaxies is still justifiable, considering the critical changes they brought to the historic turning point and the predominant ethos they embodied in their actions and doctrines.

Admittedly, no mile stone in history could be built without the effort of people. Individuals, genius and brave as they might be, could only gain their dazzling goals with the assistance of mass. Napoleon, the conqueror of the most Europe, is regarded as the most sophiscate and effective commander in 19th century. Even he was unable to make any step forward without his eminent military force, or to topple the formal reign without the assistance of the people of France. A single common individual might have little impact in his period. Convinced by a romantic ideology, accumulated and organized mass, as is demonstrated by numerous revolution, have the potential to gather credulous power to complete a progress of history. Thus, the study of history should not ignore them, the important dynamo of historic changes.

Nevertheless, to acknowledge the influence of mass could not mantle the fundamental impact of famous few. Since mass tend to act with passion and impulse, rather then discretion and reason, they rarely manage to realize the potential effect of their behaviors. Therefore, the direction and stimulation of this passion play crucial roles in the progress of history. Undeniable, it is the few with towering penetrating and paradoxical perspective and the major act of will that first summarized the hidden ideas and wisdom of societies, then afterwards identified the spirit and values of their time, and ultimately contribute their efforts and courage to direct the path of history. Accordingly, the successful Russian Revolution is not so much kudos of the millions of organized industrial workers as fruit of Lenin’s profoundly comprehension the extensive expulsion of the Russian Czar. No matter how strong the workers’ passion of striving to construct a new society was, apparently, their poorly armed force appears to be fragile before the regular army. Then, not only did the wisdom of their military commanders arouse the will and action of revolution, as is mentioned above, it also ensures the victory of the revolution. When a historian strives to discover the logic of historic development, he would better consider the activities of galaxies seriously.

In addition, the concentration of famous figures effectively increases the difficulty of the historic study. Firmly concerning the predominate social ethos, theorists combined their insightful reason with poetic imagination to embody and explicate the ideas and values of their communities in works. Only those work that most profound and subjective could survive from thousand-years-elimination, their authors being regarded as the greatest thinker by contemporary. Imaginable, historians would rather lineate a simple but clear picture of past thoughts via delving in a few elite thinkers, than lose in the jungle of dreadful and scattering ideas. Students today in political theory are encouraged to analyze the political believe via Aristotle’s the Politics not only because it carefully illustrates the idea of an elite philosopher, but also because it summarizes the political view of the population of ancient Greece. As a result, the convenience and effectiveness ultimately leads to the emphasis and concern of elites.

Such is the case that any denial of the power of mass leads to ignorance, while the emphasis on individuals is by no means too much or undesirable.

中国血UID: 2164654

说实话我觉得写得不错.虽然以下意见不多,但我确实认真的看了，认真分析了.
优点语言词语丰富(是否适当,还请其他高手判定)
缺点:主要是逻辑方面的(希望大家和作者可以参与讨论,我的看法不一定准确)
1,提纲第一点,"任何"改成"大多数"或者"众多"之类的词语比较合适.一是比较与题目相符.二是论证的时候不需要证明"任何"这层关系.
2,第二段,总得来说不错,需要注意的地方主要是前面论述与后面例子有不搭配的地方,前面论述的两大句话,总得来说就是精英人物起到的作用是开启群众的思维,辩明历史前进的方向.惟独缺少的就是提到精英在组织群众力量这个方面起到的作用.因为后面的例子中提到面对反动的力量的正规军的时候，群众的力量还是薄弱的.另外在例子方面,应该用一句点明一下在十月革命前,群众如何的没有反抗意识,即便有反抗意识的,也不知道如何去行动,纭纭.(鉴于论述部分以很多,此方面点明一下即可)主要是和前面的论述严格呼应.还有我看全文写成的是平和观点,所以第二段结尾句中的"BETTER"一词应该换成"同样重视"之类的比较好.因为题目本身就存在让读者去说明到底应该关注大众还是英雄,本身就存在一个哪个更好的意思.所以按提纲写,应该强调同等重要这层关系,注意被细节词语如"BETTER"这样的词"自己打自己."
3,第三段基本论证思路是,伟大人物的作品体现了时代思潮,反映了群众心声.
首先第一句里的"INCREASE"是不是应该改成"DECREASE"?
其次,此段的提纲,是否需要再跟题目内容贴近的.个人总觉得此段主题与"在历史进程中伟大人物和人民群众哪个重要"稍微有点不搭边,反正就是觉得有些别扭.诚然,如果根据前两段的论述,即已经证明人民群众和伟大人物在历史进程中都起作用,那么第三段在这个前提下,也可以成立.但是补充论证的逻辑感觉不强.要不,最好能点明,在重大历史进程中的伟大人物写了什么作品,能更好解读群众.比如马克思的资本论,或者列宁的什么作品.反正一句话,就是时刻围绕着主题转.题目中的有些内容是限定了的，不可忽视的.比如"历史进程".
4,词语虽然丰富,但是有拼写错误,我就不列举了.
总得来说,是一篇不错的文章.我目前是写不出来的这样的文章的.楼主的词汇和句式很丰富,我受益不少.
同时希望大家能针对我的意见,给予修改.有认为我说的不对，甚至根本不通的地方,欢迎及时直言相告.
思想在于碰撞.

firedodoUID: 2295743

2,第二段,总得来说不错,需要注意的地方主要是前面论述与后面例子有不搭配的地方,前面论述的两大句话,总得来说就是精英人物起到的作用是开启群众的思维,辩明历史前进的方向.惟独缺少的就是提到精英在组织群众力量这个方面起到的作用.(其实在构思的时候我是想把后面那个先漏下来,在这一段的第二个层次再展开论述,但是写着写着就忘了,应该在组织群众力量前加一个过渡句)因为后面的例子中提到面对反动的力量的正规军的时候，群众的力量还是薄弱的.
另外在例子方面,应该用一句点明一下在十月革命前,群众如何的没有反抗意识,即便有反抗意识的,也不知道如何去行动,纭纭.(鉴于论述部分以很多,此方面点明一下即可)主要是和前面的论述严格呼应.还有我看全文写成的是平和观点,所以第二段结尾句中的"BETTER"一词应该换成"同样重视"之类的比较好.因为题目本身就存在让读者去说明到底应该关注大众还是英雄,本身就存在一个哪个更好的意思.所以按提纲写,应该强调同等重要这层关系,注意被细节词语如"BETTER"这样的词"自己打自己."(我的论点就是历史研究应该重视精英.而且这段也在竭力说明——尽管可能没说明清楚——精英的作用是大于大众的）

firedodoUID: 2295743

2,第二段,总得来说不错,需要注意的地方主要是前面论述与后面例子有不搭配的地方,前面论述的两大句话,总得来说就是精英人物起到的作用是开启群众的思维,辩明历史前进的方向.惟独缺少的就是提到精英在组织群众力量这个方面起到的作用.(其实在构思的时候我是想把后面那个先漏下来,在这一段的第二个层次再展开论述,但是写着写着就忘了,应该在组织群众力量前加一个过渡句)因为后面的例子中提到面对反动的力量的正规军的时候，群众的力量还是薄弱的.
另外在例子方面,应该用一句点明一下在十月革命前,群众如何的没有反抗意识,即便有反抗意识的,也不知道如何去行动,纭纭.(鉴于论述部分以很多,此方面点明一下即可)主要是和前面的论述严格呼应.还有我看全文写成的是平和观点,所以第二段结尾句中的"BETTER"一词应该换成"同样重视"之类的比较好.因为题目本身就存在让读者去说明到底应该关注大众还是英雄,本身就存在一个哪个更好的意思.所以按提纲写,应该强调同等重要这层关系,注意被细节词语如"BETTER"这样的词"自己打自己."(我的论点就是历史研究应该重视精英.而且这段也在竭力说明——尽管可能没说明清楚——精英的作用是大于大众的）

firedodoUID: 2295743

3,第三段基本论证思路是,伟大人物的作品体现了时代思潮,反映了群众心声.
首先第一句里的"INCREASE"是不是应该改成"DECREASE"?（露怯了……）
其次,此段的提纲,是否需要再跟题目内容贴近的.个人总觉得此段主题与"在历史进程中伟大人物和人民群众哪个重要"稍微有点不搭边,反正就是觉得有些别扭.诚然,如果根据前两段的论述,即已经证明人民群众和伟大人物在历史进程中都起作用,那么第三段在这个前提下,也可以成立.但是补充论证的逻辑感觉不强.要不,最好能点明,在重大历史进程中的伟大人物写了什么作品,能更好解读群众.比如马克思的资本论,或者列宁的什么作品.反正一句话,就是时刻围绕着主题转.题目中的有些内容是限定了的，不可忽视的.比如"历史进程".（问题可能出在我们对题目理解的分歧上，我把题目的重点放在“the study of history”上，而不是精英和群众谁创造了历史上。因此，我这一段要论证的是历史研究集中于伟大人物可以减轻真知灼见出现的难度，因为他们的作品总结归纳了时代精神。当然，如果真的就把十月革命的例子从头分析到尾可以很强烈地体现作者的辨证思维，这是我写的时候没有想到的。）

无论如何，非常感谢点评和鼓励，现在正郁闷呢，写的速度奇慢无比。

插话一句，如果这个题目要把中心放在历史的创造者上，不如就用历史唯物主义的观点来说吧，马克思在美国每一所大学的哲学系和政治系都是不能绕开的伟大思想家，可以看一下关于他的英文论文

中国血UID: 2164654

感谢楼主的回复.
看来问题比较严重,我给你改着改着作文,居然自己都跑题了.那么重要的信息都没看到.的确,这个题是无法回避"THE STUDY OF HISTEROY "的.我都没有看到.
从研究历史的角度讲,你的提纲第三点就很符合逻辑了.
我争取也写一篇,但是肯定没你写的好，我觉得你在语言上真的挺丰富,逻辑也不错,潜力牛~

中国血UID: 2164654

花在研究上的钱基本都是不错的投资，甚至当研究结果是有争议的时候
  I stronly agree with the speaker's broad assertion ,although we will face with some negative effects during the process we try our best to invest on research to gain what we want.
  First,in now days,with the society's development there are a ergent needs for the research in almost all the fields ,especially those relevant with our lives.A excellent development of these realms have a significant meaning and value for the development of ability of producing ,public health.For example ,computers have changed our world a lot and helped humans get a big step ahead in producing since it has been invented.Not only during the time when it was invented but during now when it is revolving faster and faster,we have been all the time investing  huge amount of money on it,such as the company Microsoft and Intel have been doing.And indeed the computer have already create a lot of wealth for us.Simlarity so is the same in the research of AIDS.Through our ongoing effert during the past 2oyears,we have get a enoumourse advance in this field,althoug we invest a lot of money on this research ,we really get the positive results we have been eager for that we have saved millions of people's life.So have no reason to deny the invest of the research is not a good one.
Secondly,the most researches have a economic "pay back" in these days.As we know,the main pourpose of our world now is to make worth which is usually tranformed directly earning money.So either invested by country or by individuals,the research must ,of course if it have a result expected,lead a result that more money than the invested will come back.For instance ,the US gonverment invested billions dollers on the reserch of spaceship,now after its success,the USA have been recieving the benefits from countless fields such as milltery,biochemy,physics in which we have no method to measure the benefits with money ,cause the "pay back"was so great.
Admittedly ,many research usually have two kinds of results which come up at the same time.The computer virus have taken a enomorous damage to us with the advance of computer's technoloy.Theprogoress in the preventing and curing ADIS have led more and more people to continue to get addicted in such as drugs,sex which may lead other morale and healthy problems.However ,problem of this sorts are invenitably to appear ,which we have no ways to stop but to think of how to solve.
  In sum, although we have no ways to avoid some really bad results from many research ,we really should realize that the money spent on the research is a good investment.

firedodoUID: 2295743

语法错误就在word里检查吧.不过下次最好可以用稍微大一点的字体并附上提纲,不然看着眼睛疼~
如果是第一次掐时间写，写得了那么多字真的很了不起，我第4次掐时间还只能写300字呢……

格式上，作者似乎是比较想用传统的五段式吧？其实不妨在首段稍微提一下下面可能出现的理由。既然下文都那么明确而且正确地区分不同的角度来论证投资的好处，为什么不顺便点一下呢？

在立论上，我觉得这个题目全面肯定不太好写，作者好象是有意忽略了原子弹和克隆人这两个明显的争议点。虽然说与上文照应很好，但如果说电脑病毒还是可以理解为危害的话，爱滋病问题的解决带来的道德危机就有点令人难以接受了。按这个逻辑的话，因性交传染爱滋病的人就是上帝的弃民了。很难说将来改卷子的人到底是什么政治立场，但建议回避这样的争议问题。如果说把这个题目写成有保留的接受的话虽然有点俗，但论证难度要小很多。

在论证技巧上，作者有点中文的跳跃思维需要尽量控制一下，电脑病毒毕竟不是”投资“的直接产品（当然基本所有副产品同理），如果可以在例子中间加一些说明，比如投资研究出成果，这些成果怎么被居心叵测的人拿到，又怎么用来反革命反共产主义。不过即便如此我还是常识地觉得电脑病毒的研究不用投资，大部分是DIY……

还有就是行文的时候最好不时点一点”有争议“这个关键词，我觉得这是题眼