作文修改

x6xUID: 2180130

Independent writting
Telecommuting(working for a company from home rather than in the office and commmunicating with the office by computer) is becoming more and more common. Discuss the advantages of telecommuting vesus working in an office. Then indicate which you prefer and why.

Have you ever had a net-meeting with all other staffs in front of your home computer? Have you ever told your recent work condition to your boss just through a call? Or have you ever sit on the sofa and used fax in home to show your coustomer the photoes of your company's goods? That's what is as popular as watching Prison Break nowadays. Telecommuting, a new working form, means working for a company from home rather than in the office and communicating with the office by computers.
  Telecommuting offer staffs more freedorm, save their time and give them private space which does good to generating inspiration. I give you a example. happened not long ago. My uncle is a good software programmer, serving in a famous IT company in Shanghai. Believe or not, he even don't live in Shanghai. His company not only allow nut also encourage telecommuting, so he just do work for it in his hometown, Wuhan. he don't need to get up early but can stay up late. In a word, he arrange his time freely. In fact, it;s effective.
However, I prefer to work in the traditional ways, in the office, because telecommuting makes staffs fewer face-to-face comunication. People needs to talk, laugh and discuss. Meanwhile, if the staff is not self-deciplined and can not concentrate on the work in work time, the effect will be rather bad. It just like students who don't go to classroom, and just study in the dormitory.
Generally speaking, it's not a good way for staffs. I wish more people go to the office.   

265词，不足，帮我修改下 估个分
我着急哟 还有4天就考了 特别就我的作文告诫告诫 支支招（我准备不充分，赶紧背下模板有效吗）

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

Have you ever had a net-meeting with all other staffs in front of your home computer? Have you ever told your recent work condition to your boss just through a call? Or have you ever sit on the sofa and used fax in home to show your coustomer the photoes of your company's goods? That's what is as popular as watching Prison Break nowadays. Telecommuting, a new working form, means working for a company from home rather than in the office and communicating with the office by computers.(主题句呢? 题目让你讨论好处, 不用上来就列举这么多细节, 作为一篇不到300字而言的文章你的开头太长了.)

  Telecommuting offer staffs more freedorm, save their time and give them private space which does good to generating inspiration. I give you a example.(书面写作不要用这么口语化的句子) happened not long ago. My uncle is a good software programmer, serving in a famous IT company in Shanghai. Believe or not, he even don't live in Shanghai. His company not only allow nut also encourage telecommuting, so he just do work for it in his hometown, Wuhan. he don't need to get up early but can stay up late. In a word, he arrange his time freely. In fact, it;s effective.(晚起早睡跟发挥创造力有什么逻辑联系么? 自由如何带来灵感? 这里感觉象广告)

However, I prefer to work in the traditional ways,in the office, because telecommuting makes staffs fewer face-to-face comunication. People needs to talk, laugh and discuss. (有论断没论证, 跟之前的内容也衔接不上， 要讲话笑和讨论跟面对面有什么必然因果么? 不面对面又有什么坏处呢?) Meanwhile, if the staff is not self-deciplined and can not concentrate on the work in work time, the effect will be rather bad.(不集中精力又是怎么来的? 在家里电脑工作事情多没有工作气氛也没人监督...等等, 要把原因说清楚, 不然这句话出现在这里没有任何意义) It just like students who don't go to classroom, and just study in the dormitory.

Generally speaking, it's not a good way for staffs. I wish more people go to the office.   

文章太短论断不充分, 30分钟应该能再写多点吧, 起码把论据都说清楚, 让逻辑清晰些. 这篇文章的中心并不明确, 完全按照题目那样攒了两个段落写起来, 前后脱节没有结构关系, 写的时候最好说明, 比如自由是双刃剑, 对一部分人而言可能好, 但我不喜欢. 不把这种论点说清楚的话你的前后观点就自相矛盾了. 另外题目让写advantages, 写一条也是不够的。
分就不给了, 个人感觉在我所看过的TOEFL习作里你的这篇是FAIR档次, 不过语言表达能力还是不错的, 有基础, 相信再理下头绪会提高很多, 建议考试的时候先打个草稿, 把文章逻辑简图弄出来, 这样再写的时候会顺很多, 字数也不会受到这样的局限了.

lintelleUID: 2297267

toefl essay不是拉家常啊。需要从多种角度出发，有逻辑的一步步证明你的观点。首先文章开头用telecommuting的具体形式占字数，然后一半的论证篇幅在证明你自己不支持的观点，阅卷人肯定认为你逻辑混乱，组织不严密，一个低分只扫两眼就摔出来了。
essay写作最重要的是构架，其次才是语言运用——有没有运用语言把你的idea表述出来。所幸你的语言还不算很差，这四天内要把作文提高整整一个档次是极为有可能的。
建议去买李笑来的185，那本书里有每道题目的写作思路。现在已经不建议你去背作文了，只看作文思路。每道题看完后自己写个提纲，如果是我我要从哪个角度去写，三个点列出来，再看李老师推荐的思路，看看别人的三个出发点都是从什么角度，人文？社会？自我价值？etc. 这样一题一题的去总结，先要把自己的思路扩展开来。
另外给一个推荐的构架模式：不要折衷。很容易写成思路不清。一边倒，开头结尾、中间三段论证，每段专门讲一个分论点。这是toefl考官喜欢的模式，看到类似的模式就可以提高印象分。给个例子：
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D2
这个同学我很熟悉了，他的语言其实还没有你好，但这一次作业——如果我是考官，一看到就存了心给个相对高一点的分数，原因就是他的构架让人看了赏心悦目。
按照这个思路的启示，想写出更多字数应该是很简单的。
背模板对现在的你很重要了。版上不少模板资料，善用搜索功能搜索~

LittleMissGTUID: 2334058

In a word, he arrange his time freely. In fact, it;s effective.(晚起早睡跟发挥创造力有什么逻辑联系么? 自由如何带来灵感? 这里感觉象广告)

版主的意思是如果详细的把这种推论的逻辑写清楚些就好多？

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

恩, 不然话写出来有逻辑断层, 老外看不懂的, 总不让让他们推测你的意思吧

x6xUID: 2180130

Please check my rework:



Should staffs work for a company home rather than in the office and communicate with the office by computer? Opinions concerning telecommuting vary widely. Some view it as nothing more than escaping from the presure in office, but others argue that it saves time, makes staffs work more effectively and shapes staffs' characteristics of independence and self-discipline. In my opinion, I prefer telecommuting since it has many advantages.

To begin with, with less time spent on the way to the office and back home, telecommuting saves time, which is rather valuable in this economic age. In contrast, if you choose working in the office no matter you take buses or drives, the traffic blocks, happening now and then, always consume your time and disoppointe you. As a result, you have to get up so early in the morning that it makes you unexcited during the working hour, meanwhile, you can not return back to family early in the afternoon. Personaly, I do not want to waste my time on that rubbish things.

What's more, as a kind of innovation, telecommuting makes staffs work more effectively. As an illustration, My uncle is a good software programmer, serving in a famous IT company in Shanghai. Believe or not, he even don't live in Shanghai. His company not only allow but also encourage telecommuting, so he just do work for it in his hometown, Wuhan. Everday, he arranges his time freely, including work time and private time. Since he is fond of doing exercise or sports in the afternoon but don't have many things to do at night, he exchange his 3-hour aftenoon work time with the private time in the evening, which not only assure he works for enough time but satisfy his personal wish as well. Consequently, he is always happy and active when writting those boring codes that I think could make one crazy, and the more active he is, of course the more effectively he works.

Last but not least, it acquires independence and self-discipline to work home. Though one can communicate with other staff throgh Internet, he still has to deal with all the affairs alone at most time. If one don't have a good independent working ability, he or she had better return  to the traditional working form. At the same time, what can not be ignored is that there're so much interrupt and attractive things having nothing with work that one should always be self-discipline and concentrate on work as long as it's work time.

Juding from the reams of reasons presented above, I guess you can understand why I prefer to work home and we can safely conclude that telecommuting is indeed a good working form.