习作+5-18机经在30楼

panda2033UID: 2305826

First of all, new types of communication have been providing people with great convenience and saving a lot of time and money(方便应该就是省时省力吧?省钱?不见得吧!). 以英语专业八级的评分标准看,这篇文章不行!!!!!!!第二段人称都不一致,一会是US一会是YOU,败笔! 第二段的例子不错.moreover那段也可以,就是太单薄,没有说服力.你可以再举一些例子,如紧急情况下用手机报警求救,911过后第一时间用EMAIL给家人报平安之类的)  Finally那段凑合吧, 你可以说face to face communication 是必不可少的,譬如谈判签约之类的,你的那个例子也不错,但太局限了,举例子要尽可能把宏观和微观方面,多个领域都包进去.
最后一段作为结尾还是不错的,但最好在上面加上用EMAIL或INSTANT MESSAGE OR PHONECALLS 和家人联系感情, 否则就是提出新观点

lintelleUID: 2297267

真是第一次看到修改得这么壮观的作文求拍帖啊。;d: 楼主好福气~

yq_112397UID: 2286548

很羡慕学两种语言的人:)
在尽量保持你原句的完整下可以这样说:rolleyes:
Communication  is not simply aiming at dealing with affairs, it also can help to build up affections between two people to the great extend.
这样改主要是为了避免歧义，还有，可能表达相对地道些;)

[ 本帖最后由 yq_112397 于 2007-5-17 11:51 编辑 ]

夜婴UID: 2153521

你自己写的认真，大家也就改得认真了:loveliness:
我看了其他同学的修改建议，每个人都有自己独到的理解，即使互相之间可能有矛盾
所以你在吸取大家意见的同时，不要忘了保留你自己的特色（哪怕是我们觉得不妥的）
因为上了考场之后，我们都没用了，就全靠你了

大家改得很细，是希望你的作文没有瑕疵
考试的时候就不要花太多时间琢磨语言了，先写出来，有空再去润色
记住2点：
1、主体部分，段首必为中心句
2、主体之间，也就是观点直接必须有关联，要注意你的过渡词

赶紧连一篇小作文，抓住听力，写清楚观点和例子
结构就看我那个帖子里的就万无一失了
祝好运！

爸妈的宝UID: 2311093

谢谢夜婴！！:) 不愧是过来人，提前把考场的感觉告诉给我。“因为上了考场之后，我们都没用了，就全靠你了&记住2点：1、主体部分，段首必为中心句2、主体之间，也就是观点直接必须有关联，要注意你的过渡词”。
呵呵，你说的，我能体会到，这对我很有帮助。
这个时候多希望能多出一周的复习时间啊——哪怕三天都好！
大家的建议我都看了，看得很细，作文也在渐渐改进中，这种收获远远大于自己关门造车地练习题库，谢谢GTERs的帮助:loveliness:
下面的时间，听夜婴的话，该练一篇小作文啦！

爸妈的宝UID: 2311093

You need to travel from your home to a place 40 miles (64kms) away. Compare the different kinds of transportation you could use. Tell which method of travel you would choose.


When it comes to travel from home to another place, there are several kinds of transportation we can choose, such as walking, riding a bicycle, taking a bus or taxi, and self-driving. To begin with choosing the most suitable transportation, we must take the distance into account. When considering a 40 miles distination, it will be necessary to think about the time factor.

Having sufficient time, we could choose going on foot or riding bike to the destination as the fittest vehicle. These two methods of traveling would provide us an excellent opportunity to exercise and relax ourselves. We could walk or ride with relatives and friends on the way, chatting on some interesting topics and deepening your affections. If feel tired, then we could go camping at any time.

However, nowadays, the pace of our life is accelerating faster than ever before, if we don’t have enough time during our holiday, taking bus or taxi will help us save a lot of time. A 40-mile bus tour will be convenient for us to take, but as a public transportation, the environment on the bus maybe not so good. It may be difficult to find a suitable seat on the crowded bus and the air circulation maybe bad. Another choice is taking a taxi, which is obviously more comfortable and convenient for us, yet it will be more expensive and unworthily to take at the same time. Besides, rare taxi drivers would like to give you a 40-mile lift, especially to the suburb area, because he may hardly bump into any passenger on the way back.   
  
Therefore, as for me, the best selection for a 40-mile travel would be drving by myself. I could drive my own car or borrow one from my friends. With a private car, I could set my own schedual, stopping or driving to any speed. I could listen to various kinds of music and turn on the loud trumpet all the way to the destination. I also could set the air conditioner as cool as I like. Driving on my own car is not only convenient but it also ensures me that I don’t have to consider other passangers’ feelings and enjoying myself greatly.

Based on the analysis above, the vehicle I would use for a 40-mile travel is driving by myself. Admittedly, other options can be selected in various circumstances, I still feel that driving by myself could make me feel happy and convenient better than other ones.

[ 本帖最后由 爸妈的宝 于 2007-5-17 18:13 编辑 ]

woodmanUID: 161906

linking up affections这种表达太不地道了，很中国式英语，个人觉得如果没有把握，还不如用简单的表达方式，宁可简单点，也不要这种不地道的表达。呵呵，个人意见

woodmanUID: 161906

linking up affections这种表达太不地道了，很中国式英语，个人觉得如果没有把握，还不如用简单的表达方式，宁可简单点，也不要这种不地道的表达。觉得结尾没有收好，怪怪的，没有提炼，呵呵，个人意见

爸妈的宝UID: 2311093

:) 谢谢ls的，收到了！！
已将改正版放在1楼了~:)
呵呵，如果还有别的什么毛病，请帮忙指正:handshake ！！

yq_112397UID: 2286548

When it comes to travel from home to another place, there are several kinds of transportation we can choose, such as walking, riding a bicycle, taking a bus or taxi, and self-driving. To begin with choosing the most suitable transportation, we must take the distance into account. When considering a 40 miles distination, it will be necessary to think about the time factor.

Having sufficient time, we could choose going on foot or riding bike to the destination as the fittest vehicle. These two methods of traveling would provide us an excellent opportunity to exercise and relax ourselves. We could walk or ride with relatives and friends on the way, chatting on some interesting topics and deepening your affections. If feel tired, then we could go camping at any time.

However, nowadays, the pace of our life is accelerating faster than ever before, if we don’t have enough time during our holiday, taking bus or taxi will help us save a lot of time. A 40-mile bus tour will be convenient for us to take, but as a public transportation, the environment on the bus maybe not so good. It may be difficult to find a suitable seat on the crowded bus and the air circulation maybe bad. Another choice is taking a taxi, which is obviously more comfortable and convenient comparing to taking bus(呼应一下), yet it will be more expensive and unworthily to take at the same time. Besides, rare taxi drivers would like to give you a 40-mile lift, especially to the suburb area, because he may hardly bump into any passenger on the way back.   
  
Therefore, as for me, the best selection for a 40-mile travel would be drving by myself. I could drive my own car or borrow one from my friends. With a private car, I could set my own schedual, stopping or driving to any speed. I could listen to various kinds of music and turn on the loud trumpet all the way to the destination. I also could set the air conditioner as cool as I like. Driving on my own car is not only convenient but it also ensures me that I don’t have to consider other passangers’ feelings and enjoying myself greatly.

Based on the analysis above, the vehicle I would use for a 40-mile travel is driving by myself. Admittedly, other options can be selected in various circumstances, I still feel that driving by myself could make me feel happy and convenient better than other ones.

和你之前的文章比简直是判若两人之作.进步之神速另我惊叹不已!不愧是学两种语言的,悟性之高是我无法比拟的.:eek:
整个文章思路清晰,用词恰当,读起来朗朗上口,少有不妥之处.:rolleyes:
标蓝之处为"我认为的"不太妥当的地方,主要集中在虚拟语气和固定搭配运用上,还把握的不太好.不过都是骨头里挑刺了:cool:
Anyway, u really did a good job and made a big progress. I believe u can get a high score in the exam of IBT essay part.
Bless u;d:

[ 本帖最后由 yq_112397 于 2007-5-18 10:22 编辑 ]

爸妈的宝UID: 2311093

呵呵，谢谢你呀~~~

我参照了一篇别的文章之后修改了自己的版本，所以这一篇也不能完全算作自己的。
不过，这种写完贴出来靠大家挑挑毛病，所收获的进步我自己是有体会的，只恨自己复习的太晚了，考前三四天才开始动手写作：（

我的教训告诉所有还在复习的GTER们，大家都要及早动手啊，不要到最后才追悔莫及，带着不甘心的情绪在考场上写作，希望到时不会体会到孤独和绝望~~:rolleyes: :( :confused:

我看了夜婴的4.21JJ，同样没有充分复习的情况下，她都能分别写到400+ 和466字，太难得了，这是很少有的爆发力和手感吧，呵呵envying:loveliness:

BTW,Gter真是个好地方！谢谢你们的帮助！

yq_112397UID: 2286548

考完跟我分享一下机经呀.我11月才考呢:rolleyes:

夜婴UID: 2153521

没来得及改新作文……
不过这个时候你差不多也快考完了，希望能有个好成绩哦！！

lintelleUID: 2297267

不同的作文题目请发在不同主题内。这样我们不好加分。