习作+5-18机经在30楼

爸妈的宝UID: 2311093

赶鸭子上架了，挑着题库写了第一篇习作。恳请大家拍砖，帮忙改正所有存在的问题。逻辑结构上也不是很确定，用词造句方面也不自信，麻烦大家了！
BTW，寄托精神一直在深深地感动着我！：P
辛苦大家~~~~~:handshake :) :o


49. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Face-to-face communication is better than other types of communication, such as letters, email, or telephone calls. Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Some people argue that face-to-face communication is better than any other types of communication, such as letters, emails, calls, or webcam chatting. Personally, I both agree and disagree with this statement.

Truly, face-to-face conversations can make people communicate with each other more interactively, can allow a broader range of possibilities for communication in the intricacies of tone of voice, body languages, and can add the intimacy of touch.

However, in the modern world, everyone has to deal with all kinds of peoples and affairs within limited time in daily life, or you will be trapped in numerous trivial things which often appear on schedule or unexpected. Thus, communicating with our working partners, especially those remote from our companies and cities, or even foreign countries, use other types of communication will provide us much more convenience, save money and time, also greatly lift our working efficiency. For example, if you are a chief executive officer of a Multinational Corporation, every morning, you need to held a regular meeting with the mid-level managers of all the subsidiary companies, which are located all over the world, in order to master the operational situation, then it is scarcely impossible to let everyone related come to one appointed office. Fortunately, we can achieve this daily goal through such modern international telecommunication skills without coming to the meeting site, all we need to do is turn on some buttons-how efficiently and conveniently!

More over, we may keep in touch with the friends and relatives who are away from our city, through internet to greeting with each other in our spare time. Nowadays, the pace of life is accelerating much more than ever before, even if relatives cannot meet with each other frequently unless exceptional circumstances, such as important festivals. However, we can still communicate with others through emails, telephone calls, instant messages, even webcam chatting, just like face-to-face conversation.

Finally, what I have to say is, all those types of communication based on modern science and technology cannot replace face-to-face communication, especially between husbands and wives, or parents and children, because this is not only aiming at dealing with affairs but also keeping and deepening affections and relationship to the greatest extend.

All in all, each type of communication is necessary in our daily work and life, whether one is better than any other depends on different circumstances and needs.


综合大家建议，修改如下：）谢谢GTer


Nowadays, along with the development of modern science and communication technology appear various new types of communication, such as calls, email, instant messages and webcam chatting, and so on. When hearing some people argue that traditional face-to-face communication is better than recent types of communication, I would say, it is not true in many circumstances.

First of all, other types of communication have been providing people with great convenience and saving a lot of costs. In the modern world, as everyone has to deal with many kinds of people and affairs within limited time and money, using newly invented methods of communication would help us communicate with each other more efficiently and conveniently. It’s necessary for everyone to solve all the affairs on schedule; otherwise, he/she might be trapped in numerous trivial troubles. For example, if you are a CEO of a multinational corporation, you probably need to obtain information about the optional situation from all the subsidiary companies; also you might need to keep in touch with your workmates who live in other countries for exchanging ideas. Every morning, you can hold telecommunication meetings with the managers habited across the world. Obviously, all these things can't be done through conventional face-to-face conversation, since it is scarcely possible to make everyone related come to the meeting site, so, the only thing you need to do is turning on some buttons---you can imagine how efficient and convenient it can ever be!

Moreover, new technology not only brings convenience to our daily work, but also does good to our life. It enables us to keep in touch with each other more easily. We can frequently give our best wishes to friends and relatives who are away from our city through internet during spare time and say hello to the schoolmates who are studying abroad by instant message. Nowadays, the pace of life is accelerating much faster than ever before, even relatives cannot meet with each other unless exceptional circumstances, such as important festivals. Fortunately, we can communicate with others through emails, telephone calls, even webcam chatting, just like face-to-face conversation. We don’t worry about losing touch with others.

Admittedly, what I have to say is, all those types of communication based on modern science and technology cannot replace face-to-face communication, especially between husbands and wives, or parents and children, since direct conversation can make people communicate with each other more interactively.

All in all, Communication between people is not simply aiming at dealing with affairs, it can also help to built up affections between two people to the great extend. Face-to-face communication is not always better than other types of communication. We should take efficient ways like cells, email, and instant message to communicate with different person according to the continuously changing circumstances. Only in this way, can we live a flexible and comfortable life.


106题在21楼，是我的第二篇作文，恳请大家指教：）

5-18JJ在30楼~~~

[ 本帖最后由 爸妈的宝 于 2007-5-19 16:43 编辑 ]

爸妈的宝UID: 2311093

非常希望能被修改一下，怕沉掉，自己顶一下先！
呵呵，即使没人来帮，我已经在寄托收获了很多了，吓呀侬！

夜婴UID: 2153521

49. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Face-to-face communication is better than other types of communication, such as letters, email, or telephone calls. Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Some people argue that face-to-face communication is better than any other types of communication, such as letters, emails, calls, or webcam chatting（跟题目重复，换个说法更好。随便想一个句子，语法未必对，给你个例子：When communicating with oters, unlike those who like to talk face-to-face, onthers prefer to connect with one by using emails of phones instead）. Personally, I both agree and disagree with this statement.（你可以一边倒。也可以说两个都有各自的好处，接下来分别说各有什么长处。但不能说都同意又都不同意，话不能这么说。）

Truly, face-to-face conversations can make people communicate with each other more interactively, can allow a broader range of possibilities for communication in the intricacies of tone of voice, body languages, and can add the intimacy of touch（familiarity between people?）.

However, in the modern world, everyone has to deal with all kinds of peoples and affairs within limited time in daily life, or you will be trapped in numerous trivial things which often appear on schedule or unexpected. Thus, communicating with our working partners, especially those remote from our companies and cities, or even foreign countries, use（using） other types of communication will provide us much more convenience, save(saving) money and time, also(and) greatly lift(lifting) our working efficiency. For example, if you are a chief executive officer of a Multinational Corporation, every morning, you need to held(hold) a regular meeting with the mid-level managers of all the subsidiary companies, which are located all over the world, in order to master the operational situation, then it is scarcely impossible (双重否定……)to let everyone related come to one appointed office(又是一个长句子，长，而且不漂亮). Fortunately, we can achieve this daily goal through such modern international telecommunication skills（methods） without coming to the meeting site, all we need to do is turn（turning） on some buttons-how（中间是连字符还是破折号？） efficiently and conveniently!

More over（Moreover）, we may keep in touch with the friends and relatives who are away from our city, through internet to greeting（greet） with each other in our spare time. Nowadays, the pace of life is accelerating much more than ever before, even if relatives cannot meet with each other frequently unless exceptional circumstances, such as important festivals. However, we can still communicate with others through emails, telephone calls, instant messages, even webcam chatting, just like face-to-face conversation.（这段没什么大问题，但是有一个问题就能推翻一整段：凭什么是moreover？跟上段有什么递进联系？）

Finally, what I have to say is, all those types of communication（包括面对面呵，应该说all those types of indirect communication） based on modern science and technology cannot replace face-to-face communication, especially between husbands and wives, or parents and children, because this is not only aiming at dealing with affairs but also keeping and deepening affections and relationship to the greatest extend.（这段单独来看还不错。从整体看的话显得乱了，尤其是第二段的存在导致你给我的感觉是一会东一会西。）

All in all, each type of communication is necessary in our daily work and life, whether one is better than any other depends on different circumstances and needs.

总的来说，这不是一篇好的作文。当然万事开头难，我写的也未必好。
但是我觉得文章的结构还是很有问题的！
你的作文有好多我不认识的词，和好多长句子，但是，我考试全写10+字的简单句，全是小词，为什么我还能拿到Good？
不是考你，我说过我当时作文的结构了，结构很重要。回顾一下我那个4.21的报分帖子：

大作文：
第一段，有人觉得A好（有人觉得B不好），有人觉得B好。我同意B好，因为1、2、3。
第二段，B的第一个好处。解释。例子。所以B在1方面很好。
第三段，B的第二个好处。解释。例子。所以B在2方面很好。
第四段，B的第三个好处。解释。例子。所以B在3方面很好。
总结，尽管A有时候也对（尽管B有时候也不好），但是B在大多数情况下都很好。它能够1、2、3。所以B还是好。
这个结构很啰嗦吧？但是写的时候就不觉得罗嗦了，反而显得严谨，避免跑题。

即使你不喜欢这种结构，每段首句都必须是中心句，而且段与段之间必须有关系。
你第一段给了观点，虽然句子不太对。第二段就是让步，让我以为你从此以后都要说写信比见面好了。第三段说公司怎么样，第四段说个人怎么样。两段顶多是两个例子，没有直接递进的关系。最后，又翻回来说还是见面最重要。我就不知道你到底持甚么态度了。
如果是我，我会这么写：
1，主题句：见面比间接交流好
2，观点1：见面可以实现互动，容易互相理解，沟通效果更好。比如通过表情、语气、肢体判断对方的情绪等。
3，观点2：见面可以把精神更集中在交流本身，而打电话由于看不见，写信还要注意遣词造句等等，无形中分散交流的注意力，弱化交流的欲望。
4，观点3，见面可以分享很多东西，这是别的间接的方式不能满足的。比如，跟朋友见面，不只能聊天，还能一起做别的事。
5，让步，虽然觉得见面更好，但是距离远的话，间接的交流更方便。不过通常如果都不麻烦的话，还是首选面谈。
随便想的，3个观点有递进的关系，当然可能乍看起来不明显。关键不是你说什么，而是你能自圆其说。这个是作文最基本的要求。

用了2个小时来看你的作文，其实我也又学到一些东西。希望你能好好改一下，不要写完就丢了。
最后关于长句子再说一句，如果想写复杂的长句，记住主谓宾一定要写对，别把自己绕进去。
宁可弱，不可错！
加油！

[ 本帖最后由 夜婴 于 2007-5-16 02:13 编辑 ]

爸妈的宝UID: 2311093

Ls婴MM:) :)
       刚刚看完你帮我批改的作文，我好感动啊！！能在论坛上结识你，真是我的幸运！
我看到你给我的留言，时间已经是凌晨2点半了，辛苦你了，我自己都觉得过意不去：（说实话，我的 作文并不是限时写作的，这是我写的第一篇作文，写了很久很久，也查了很多想用却不会用的词。
       你改出来的毛病，我以前居然一直都没注意到？！看来问题还是很严峻的，结构方面应该更加清楚一些，另外有些长句并不是我刻意写的，只不过想表达完整才用了那么多的逗号，这些我都没有察觉……
       我会认真修改的，你上次发的帖子和细致的回信一直在鼓励我，不然我也许早就成为那些退考大军里的一员了。对你的感谢一两句说不完呀~~~
       无论怎么说，是你帮我更加清楚地认识到了自己的弱点，也许自己看自己往往会忽略掉很多毛病吧。
       别的先不说了，时间越来越近，我研究下这些或大或小的问题，谢啦，辛苦啦！！:kiss: :)

[ 本帖最后由 爸妈的宝 于 2007-5-16 13:57 编辑 ]

爸妈的宝UID: 2311093

Nowadays, with the development of modern science and communication technology appears many new types of communication, such as letters, email, calls or webcam chatting, etc. When hearing some people argue that traditional face-to-face communication is better than newl types of communication, I would have to say, it is not true in many circumstances.

First of all, other types of communication have been providing people with great convenience and saving a lot of time and money. In the modern world, when every person has to deal with all kinds of people and affairs within limited time and money, using newly invented methods of communication will help us communicate with each other more efficiently and conveniently. It’s necessary for everyone to solve all the affairs on schedule or unexpected in time, or you will be trapped in numerous trivial things. For example, if you are a CEO of a Multinational Corporation, you need to obtain information about the optional situation of all the subsidiary companies. Every morning, you can hold telecommunication meetings with the managers habited all over the world, since it is scarcely possible to let everyone related come to the meeting site. All you need to do is turning on some buttons---you can imagine how efficient and convenient it can ever be!

Moreover,  new technology not only brings convenience to our daily work,  but also does good to our life. It enables us keep in touch with each other more easily. We can greet with our friends and relatives who are away from our city frequently through internet in our spare time. Nowadays, the pace of life is accelerating much more than ever before, even relatives cannot meet with each other unless exceptional circumstances, such as important festivals. Fortunately, we can communicate with others through emails, telephone calls, instant messages, even webcam chatting, just like face-to-face conversation.

Finally, what I have to say is, all those types of communication based on modern science and technology cannot replace face-to-face communication, especially between husbands and wives, or parents and children, since direct conversations can make people communicate with each other more interactively.

All in all, Communication between people is not simply aiming at dealing with affairs, as well aw linking up affections to the greatest extend. Face-to-face communication is not always better than other types of communication. We should take efficient way to communicate with different person according to continuously changing circumstances. Only in this way, can we live a flexible and comfortable life.

[ 本帖最后由 爸妈的宝 于 2007-5-16 20:47 编辑 ]

夜婴UID: 2153521

改写的作用一下子就出来了！跟昨天比质量差别太大了
尤其是结尾，我个人非常欣赏
你比我用心多了，其实我写完作文从来不改的，虽然知道那样等于没写……
所以你好好练几篇的话，最后至少大作文拿满分会和我一样容易

现在的长句子看着都很舒服了，用词也顺，朗朗上口的感觉，不错

提一个问题
你的立场是新比旧好，前三段都没问题
第四段“Finally”用的还是不对，因为这段你都在说旧的好，所以应该用“Admittedly”开头
而且不要整段说它好，说完还是要绕回来说，旧的虽然好，也不能忽视新的的作用

加油！照着这种写法，再练两篇就足够了
多练练小作文的听力，争取一句都不听错，不要步我的后尘哦

yq_112397UID: 2286548

原帖由 爸妈的宝 于 2007-5-16 16:07 发表
Nowadays, with the development of modern science and communication technology appears many new types of communication, such as letters, email, calls or webcam chatting, etc. When hearing some peo ...

我怎么觉得第一句就有点问题...主语是?请指教:rolleyes:

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

倒装, 主语是many new types of communication, 不过应该用appear, 不加s的, 我觉得with前面还得有个together或者along

yq_112397UID: 2286548

Nowadays, with the development of modern science and communication technology,there appears various types of communication, conventional or original, such as letters(这个不算new tape吧?所以前面的改下:rolleyes: ), email, calls or webcam chatting, etc. When hearing some people argue that traditional face-to-face communication is better than recent types of communication, I would(为什么要have to,给你删了;d: )say, it is not true in many circumstances.

First of all, new types of communication have been providing people with great convenience and saving a lot of time and money. In the modern world, as everyone has to deal with many(这里用all不合适） kinds of people and affairs within limited time and money, using newly invented methods of communication would help us communicate with each other more efficiently and conveniently. It’s necessary for you to solve the problem on schedule, otherwise you might be trapped in trouble. For example, if you are a CEO of a Multinational Corporation, you probably need to obtain information about the optional situation from all the subsidiary companies. In the morning, you might hold a telecommunication meeting with the managers habited across the world.You also might keep in touch with your workmates who live in other country for exchanging ideas and information.(一般举例用一个或三个好，二个不舒服). Obviously, all these things can't be done through conventional type of communication such as letter,(感觉你那句很别扭所以锯了...) the only thing you need to do is turning on some buttons---you can see how efficiently and conveniently it work!

Moreover,  new technology not only brings convenience to our daily work,  but also does good to our life. It enables us to keep in touch with each other more easily. We can greet(没见过greet with的搭配:( ) our friends and relatives who are away from our city frequently through internet in our spare time. Nowadays, the pace of life is accelerating much more quickly than ever before, even relatives cannot meet with each other unless exceptional circumstances, such as important festivals. Fortunately, we can communicate with others through emails, telephone calls, instant messages, even webcam chatting, just like face-to-face conversation(第二段略显内容单薄,最后一句话有重复凑字之嫌).

Finally, what I have to say is, all those types of communication based on modern science and technology cannot replace face-to-face communication, especially between husbands and wives, (去了or)parents and children, since face-to-face conversation(s删)  can make people communicate with each other more interactively.

All in all(汗..后面有all in all前面最好别来finally,我差点漏看着段). Communication between people is not simply aiming at dealing with affairs, as well as linking up affections to the greatest extend. Face-to-face communication is not always better than other types of communication. We should take efficient way to communicate with different person according to continuously changing circumstances. Only in this way, can we live a flexible and comfortable life.(我倒觉得这个结尾不好,没能有力的收起全文,没能和前面形成应有的照应,而且蓝色那段句子,你想表达的意思是"人们之间的沟通交流不仅是为了处理事务,很大程度大还为了联系感情"?如果是想表达这个意思,你那句话可能就错了.(...not simply...,as well as...;) )

ps:纯属菜鸟乱改,有改得不合适的地方请多见谅,大家互相学习:handshake (花了我半个多小时黄金时间,本该去吃早餐的:rolleyes: )

yq_112397UID: 2286548

原帖由 lastangel 于 2007-5-17 07:32 发表
倒装, 主语是many new types of communication, 不过应该用appear, 不加s的, 我觉得with前面还得有个together或者along

原来如此...不过我还是不太理解:rolleyes: 我语法好差的:(

爸妈的宝UID: 2311093

谢谢婴MM，我的进步很大程度上缘于你一再的鼓励和帮助:handshake :) ，能在寄托上面认识你真好:loveliness: 。
小作文我还没有练过，打算今天练上一篇。唉，好紧张啊！

爸妈的宝UID: 2311093

谢谢斑斑的纠正，呵呵，我看过你机经、报分和给别人改作文的帖子，获益很多很多。
此外，也许是练习太少，我很担心真正考场作文时，能想起来的词和句子太少。

爸妈的宝UID: 2311093

呵呵，你比我用心多了，那么早就起来了。改的好认真啊，谢谢啦。
我先看看再说！！
大家互相帮助，加油:loveliness: :loveliness:

panda2033UID: 2305826

Nowadays, with the development of modern science and communication technology appears many new types of communication, such as letters, email, calls or webcam chatting, etc.(letters和modern science and communication technology 有关系吗?) When hearing some people argue that traditional face-to-face communication is better than newl types of communication, I would have to say, it is not true in many circumstances.(the introduction part is poorly organized! if you really want use the same structure, i suggest that you should change this paragraph into"Nowadays, with the development of modern science and commnuication technology, new types of communication like email, cellphone calls and instant messages are changing our life greatly. However, some people still prefer the traditional type of communication, that is through letters. and some others would rather choose face-face communciation because they believe that face to face communication is better than other types of communication. but in my opinion, there is no better or worse.

[ 本帖最后由 panda2033 于 2007-5-17 10:49 编辑 ]

爸妈的宝UID: 2311093

谢谢你，我很细致地看过了，即使改了一些小词儿，比如or-otherwise, all-many,也给我提供了更多的写英文的语感~~~~~
我在复习iBT之前，已经扔了英语三年，研一学了一年的法语，后来在街上看到每个英文词，首先蹦出来的是法语的发音，到现在都不能完全改过来，呵呵，弱弱的，口语也很烂。
千万别说你是菜鸟啊，看得出你的底子很好。
那个finally，夜婴也看出毛病了，自己都觉得汗啊~~~~
此外，最后一段首句Communication between people is not simply aiming at dealing with affairs, as well as linking up affections to the greatest extend.我本意是表达---沟通交流不仅是为了处理工作事务,而且还能在最大程度上联系人与人之间的感情，弱弱地问，如果想要表达这种意思，本句该如何写呢？
谢谢帮助！！！