偶的首篇作文，各位大虾帮小女拍拍吧，谢谢谢谢

gregterUID: 2245291

偶的首篇作文，各位大虾帮小女拍拍吧，谢谢谢谢！
这是我在30分钟内写的，希望大家帮忙评个分数吧。:)

30.It has recently been announced that a new high school may be built in your community. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details in your answer.

When it comes to this issue, some people will offer one or two disadvantages of building a new high school in our community, such as noise, traffic jams in rush time linked to it. However, as far as I am concerned, there are more advantages to our community.

First of all, the new high school will support our community with many job opportunities for several people out of job. It is known to all that the construction of the buildings in the school needs some team of workers who is familiar with the technique of building and mending. At the same time, in our community, there are several working teams good at it, and they need more jobs to sustain their lives. Furthermore, some occupies of teachers or cleaners, which fit quite a lot job-hunters in our community, may also be offered in this new high school. Thus, the new high school will solve many employing problems in our community.

In addition, it is convenient for many children at proper ages to go to high school in our community. There is no denying the fact that parents of these children would like to send their sons or daughters to the nearest high school rather than others which need spend too much time on the traffic from home to school. A resident in our community, also a boy's father, even complained that the middle school of his son was too far away from his home so that it wasted so much time on travels. That effectively suggests that a new high school in our community can help those boys and girls, even their families.

Last but not least, there will be an increasing number of shops and markets built near school in our community after the new high school set up, especially for the new great business opportunities. These changes will indirectly exerts an positive effect on the economic development of our community, and do benefit to us. In another word, from those new shores and markets, the government may acquire more revenue and fees which can be used to improve other items of our community. All in all, the new school plays an extremely role in the development of economic in our community.

As what I have mentioned above, although there might be a bit negative influences, the advantages and profits it will bring us directly and indirectly are more attractive. As a job-supplier and an economic stimulator, the set-up of the new school will be definitely a good idea for everyone in our community.


第一篇，写的时候比较紧张，也不知道能得几分，大家用力拍吧:handshake

billbuidUID: 2297813

看了看，觉得有词的替换，一些好的表达，但是也有一些不恰当的表达，像last but not least不要用了，老师说是口语化的，有些衔接词的形式需要多一点，尽量少创造表达方式，开头结尾可以再丰满一点，用个好的句式，感觉第三段跟第一段内容上应该是一段，还有对对方观点的让步最好写多细节一点或者使用栽赃法，1真的占字数2更客观3更有比较性4降低难度

刚上来就三十分钟写成这样已经很不错了，佩服你，评分么，不是牛人琢磨不透ets那帮老变态。。。

[ 本帖最后由 billbuid 于 2007-5-19 13:57 编辑 ]

panda2033UID: 2305826

下班了,下次来看,感觉不错

gregterUID: 2245291

谢谢billbuid:)
因为去年考了10G，所以打字什么没什么大问题，但是用词造句什么的还是不太好，感觉写的空空的，也不知道怎么从G作文很好的转到T。第一篇作文，也不知能得几分。:loveliness:

panda2033 ,期待的你评分和批改噢:handshake :loveliness:

gregterUID: 2245291

还有就是觉得收不住，感觉每段不多写点逻辑什么的就觉得不饱满，可是时间有有限。;d:

yq_112397UID: 2286548

30.It has recently been announced that a new high school may be built in your community. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details in your answer.

When it comes to this issue, some people will offer several disadvantages of building a new high school in our community, such as noise, traffic jams in rush time and so on. However, as far as I am concerned, there are more advantages to our community.

First of all, the new high school will support our community with many job opportunities for  people who are out of job. It is known to all that the construction of the buildings in the school needs some teams of workers who are familiar with the technique of building and mending. At the same time, in our community, there are several work teams good at it, and they want more projects to sustain their lives. Furthermore, some occupations of teachers or cleaners, which cater to  a lot job-hunters in our community, may also be offered in this new high school. Thus, the new high school will solve many employing problems in our community.

In addition, it is convenient for many children at proper ages to go to high school in our community. There is undeniable that parents of these children probably would like to send their sons or daughters to the nearest high school rather than others which is distant from their houses. It's a true story that a resident in our community, (also删） a boy's father, (even删)complained that the middle school of his son was too far away from his home so that there were much time wasted as a commuter. That effectively suggests that a new high school in our community can help those boys and girls, even their families.

Last but not least, there will be an increasing number of shops and markets built up near school in our community after the new high school set up, especially for the new great business opportunities. These changes will indirectly exerts an positive effect on the economic development of our community, and do benefit to us. In another word, from those new shores and markets, the government may acquire more revenue and fees which can be used to improve other items of our community. All in all, the new school plays an extremely role(oh my god, crucial/indepensable/irreplaceable role would all be okay, but dont use "extremely" in this collocation)in the development of economy(better than economic at here) in our community.

As what I have mentioned above, although there might be a little bit negative influences, the advantages and profits it would bring us directly and indirectly are more attractive. As a job-supplier and an economic stimulator, the set-up of the new school will be definitely a good idea for everyone in our community.

红色是我认为不合适而改动的地方
蓝色是我认为不合适但无法在你原句上修改的地方，只能换句了．
墨绿是我认为写的好的句子．
不应过多重复使用一些非核心必要的单词，个别地方很中式，很生硬，须找找感觉．
总体来说是篇佳作，结构很好．条理清楚．文章主旨也很好．如果我评分应该是８５／１００

kevinliu6883UID: 2338522

This piece of homework looks so familiar. Ah, I recall a spoken exercise that require to coment the proposal to build a new shopping center. What is the advantage and the disadvantage and the like.
This one seems a copy of that.
The author seems not have paid enough attention to the difference. A shopping mall is able to bring avenue to the local govenment. But a school nees input from the avenue.
Furthermore, no shop can be built near a school in the United States.
A new school really depends on the need of students.
The author of this piece took a huge risk in making copy!

gregterUID: 2245291

谢谢yq_112397 的修改,真的很好噢,特别是同意词的替换,一紧张就想不出来了;d:
希望以后的作文能都是绿色:loveliness:

kevinliu6883，谢谢你的提醒噢，Never copy and paste work.:)
聪明人从来不做类似于抄袭的傻事。
我是聪明人:loveliness:
BTW:麻烦解释下：coment(comment?), nees(needs?), avenue(revenue?)...:handshake