issue48 [0710G Victors互助小组]第5次作业 by Lemon

lemon71500UID: 2335516

Issue48
"The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."

  In the history there are so many significant achievements and crucial decisions, whose leaders are always acquainted to the public that we could blurt their deeds as something happens to us, but that does not mean we have overlooked the group which is behind and gives supports to them, although we may know little about the group. A great event indeed needs a dominant leader, but sometimes also has effective team cooperation. Yet to different achievements, two factors usually do not possess a similar significance.
  Sometimes in a success, a group contribution even sacrifice is necessary besides an individual effect, the whole group’s supportive action at last converges to the reputation of one person. As the old says going: one general achieves, thousands skeletons dulls. This aphorism vividly reflects the relationship between a leader and nameless soldiers. In the Second World War, we are familiar with general Chuikov, one of the primary commanders at that time and led the great national defending war of the Soviet Union. However, when we appreciate his heroic deeds, we must remember his achieves are based on the numerous brave soldiers who have been exposed to a direct danger in every campaign, true heroes these soldiers also are in our memory. In such cases no one is more important, they are all crucial in their own position.
  However, the most times to a success, a dominator is an essential reason. Without an individual intelligent ability and outstanding contribution these achievements may only be a fancy, or at least they may be prolonged and human needs more years to fumble in darkness. It is hard to indicate when we can produce the theory of relativity if Einstein didn’t exist; this essence of knowledge which can never be accomplished only by a cooperation of group belongs to a genius forever. In such academic research area an individual accomplishment are far more significant than a group of people. Otherwise, in political situation, a great leader also likes axes in a cart whose progress can’t be omitted, the most familiar to us, Chairman Mao, a politician and poet, also a philosopher, who led the national liberation and historic revolution in China of the early 20th century. He is memorized in our minds for his greatness which is absolutely a personal achievement.
  In sum, in lots of successes group factor has its contribution, it is important but it can’t take charge of a great event. However, a great man is so crucial that people and history can’t deny their accomplishment, in consideration of their significances; it is no wonder that the study of history places so much emphasis in great men.

鬼马丁丁UID: 2333532

In the history there are so many significant achievements and crucial decisions, whose (that) leaders （who initiated these historical activities ）（原文是想说那些在历史中的显著成就和重要决策，它们的制造者是被广为所人知的..是这个意思吧？）are always acquainted to the public that (这里的that是什么意思？没看懂..貌似和后面的句子衔接不上） we could blurt their deeds as something happens to us, but that does not mean we have overlooked the group which is behind and gives（giving，两个谓语动词啦> <~) supports to them, although we may know little about the group. A great event indeed needs a dominant leader, but sometimes also has effective team cooperation(这一句可尝试改为：but sometimes an effective team cooperation is also definitely a good approach to attain great achievements,感觉可以有效拉长句子的说,因为偶不知道怎么改also has那块,好象也没毛病,就是怪怪的,所以就换了整个句子,不要pia偶~~). Yet to different achievements, two factors usually do not possess a similar significance.
  
  Sometimes in a success, a group contribution even sacrifice is necessary besides an individual effect, the whole group’s supportive action at last converges to the reputation of one person. As the old says going: one general achieves, thousands skeletons dulls. This aphorism vividly reflects the relationship between a leader and nameless soldiers. In the Second World War, we are familiar with general Chuikov, one of the primary commanders at that time and led the great national defending war of the Soviet Union. However, when we appreciate his heroic deeds, we must remember his achieves are based on the numerous brave soldiers who have been exposed to a direct danger in every campaign, true heroes these soldiers also are in our memory. In such cases no one is more important, they are all crucial in their own position.(这一段是用General Chuikov和他的士兵的例子例证在除个人成就外,一个团体的贡献甚至牺牲同样必要,我觉得例子还是很好的,但似乎没有体现出你所强调的团队的具体的必要性,可以更细化,穿插说理则最好了,这样可以让ETS了解你对此看点的想法所在)
  
  However, the most times to a success, a dominator is an essential reason. Without an individual intelligent ability and outstanding contribution these achievements may only be a fancy, or at least they may be prolonged and human needs more years to fumble in darkness. It is hard to indicate when we can produce the theory of relativity if Einstein didn’t exist; this essence of knowledge which can never be accomplished only by a cooperation of group belongs to a genius forever. In such academic research area an individual accomplishment are far more significant than a group of people. Otherwise, in political situation, a great leader also likes axes in a cart whose progress can’t be omitted, the most familiar to us, Chairman Mao, a politician and poet, also a philosopher, who led the national liberation and historic revolution in China of the early 20th century. He is memorized in our minds for his greatness which is absolutely a personal achievement.(很多only,never,most这样绝对化的词,ETS的标准是客观公正,这些词难免有点感情色彩,可以适当改改)
  
  In sum, in lots of successes group factor has its contribution, it is important but it can’t take charge of a great event. However, a great man is so crucial that people and history can’t deny their accomplishment, in consideration of their significances; it is no wonder that the study of history places so much emphasis in great men.



嗯..首先觉得例证写的很通顺,读的很舒畅啊~嘿嘿,表扬一个.但是观察下本作的开文观点是 to different achievements, two factors usually do not possess a similar significance.那么建议结尾段也最好呼应前文说这两个因素带来的效果是不近相似的但都重要.但是本作最后的观念是 It is no wonder that the study of history places so much emphasis in great man,又感觉有点点偏重"个人效应"的感觉,嗯..可以把观念更明确化,如果觉得两方面都确实重要的话,其实可以选一个更赞同的那一方充分例证,并转折来说另一方也是需要的,那么全文的观点就相对明确些了,逻辑和层次感也相对较强....个人拙见,改的不好还请Lemon小盆友见晾~表pia偶...- -!~