写了一片作文，求修改。6月30就考了！

han35UID: 2333063

topic:   室友是由学校选还是由学生自己选？

请托友门帮忙看看，我月30号就考试了，作文一直没底。谢谢你们了！！！！！:handshake

There is always a discussion between students who are living in campuse.Should we choose doormats or school help us to choose? As far as I am concerned it is better that campus help us select doormats.

Firstly,if we have the chance to choose doormats we would want to live with our best friends, who have the same hobbies and topics with us, as a consequence we will always stay with our roommates, and won't want to communicate  with other students.Because we don't have same interests with other students.That is, between the other students and us will have a gap.This is bad for our personalities.Later when we enter the society and have no intimate  friends with us to share the same topicts, views, we will feel upset and lonely maybe we will not know how to communicate with others.

Secondly, it is known that when intimate friends get together, they will talk a lot, especially at night. Take me as an example, I have a cosun,we are the same age.When she comes my home and sleep with me, we will have too much things to talk. Talking about our families, our friends. Even we stay with each other for a week we still have things to share.It is the same for campus students. And the difference is that  we  may come from different locations. Consequently we will have more things to talk about. The features of our hometown, the climate there, and the places to travel and so on.Talking too much at night will make us sleepy the next day in the classes and learn nothing..

Thirdly, due to the room is limited; all of our close friends couldn't live in a same dormitory. This will create misunderstandings, the one who isn't chose to live with us may think we don't like him, we desert him and he will feel sad by his thoughts, the worse thing is we may loss this friend.

Form what we have discussed above we may come to a conclusion that is it inappropriate to choose doormats all by ourselves, it’s better that school determine this instead of us for losing friends, missing the important things in   classes and communicating less with other students.

kevinliu6883UID: 2338522

You seem following Chinese writing habit in English writing. I believe that do more harm to your score.

First, an English sentence usually consists of one verb, one subject. You may better pay attention to those reading material. None of English writing teacher can bear the current form.

Second, put the topic sentence at the remarkable place like the beginning or the ending of the paragraph. Then provide suppotive sentences with evidence, fact and examples.

Third, develop logical relatoin between your arguement and evidence.

Though the significance may be the logical, topic development. The sentence structure should the last thing to mention. But your writing seems full of these simple mistakes.

Change, you have only 10 days left.

susanchynUID: 2345136

原帖由 han35 于 2007-6-20 22:28 发表
topic:   室友是由学校选还是由学生自己选？

请托友门帮忙看看，我月30号就考试了，作文一直没底。谢谢你们了！！！！！:handshake

There is always a discussion between students who are living i ...

Han35
Hello
You have great supporting ideas and good reasoning. But you need to try and make the sentences a little clearer. Here are some suggested revisions:

There is always a discussion between students who are living in campuse. Should we choose doormats or school help us to choose?

àThere are always discussions among students who are living on campus as to
whether they should be the ones to choose a dormitory or have the university choose it for them.

As far as I am concerned it is better that campus help us select doormats.
--> As far as I am concerned, it is better that the university help us select the
dormitory.

NOTICE: I think you meant to say "dormitory," not "doormat," right? So that's an
easy mistake to correct.
Also, campus is the place where the university and the students are. You want to be
careful to use words precisely.

I think you are on the right track! You just need a little more practice. Don't worry.

blueeyedUID: 2289917

Thirdly, we can't live in the dormitory with all of our close friends due to the limited room which may cause some misunderstandings. The one will be sad at the incorrect thought that we don't like him and want to desert him. Even worse, we may loss this friend.
Is it better?

susanchynUID: 2345136

The one will be sad at the incorrect thought that we don't like him and want to desert him. Even worse, we may loss this friend.
-->

Our other friends might mistakenly think that we don't like them as much, and
that we have intentionally chosen not to live together with them. We might even lose these friends because of this misunderstanding.

Remember: "loss" is a noun    "to lose something" is a verb.  
Loss has 2 s's (you can remember-- it rhymes with BOSS, which is also a noun)  

lose is a verb. It rhymes with choose, which is also a verb.

han35UID: 2333063

Thank you guys.:handshake

I will try my best to make up my shortness.:loveliness:  

Thank you for your useful advice and your encouragement I will work harder!!

alice19800326UID: 2334132

第一句，我觉得不是between, 而是among

alice19800326UID: 2334132

between the other students and us will have a gap. 改成被动
the gap between the other students and us will be unfortunately formed.是不是更好些呢？

bponionUID: 2352881

You'd better use a long sentence instead of some short ones and put the topic sentence first.

yeren7722UID: 2297829

菜鸟给的一点建议:
1.每一段主题句不明确,最好是放在每一段的首句;
2.主要的论点段要举例,比如你的第二段里面;
3.不推荐使用firstly,secondly,thirdly;

bsb3166`UID: 2345733

大家都太强了

adarenUID: 2270228

discussion among
should we chose our roomates on our own or let school do that for us
if we have the freedom to chose.....

there would be a gap between

susanchynUID: 2345136

Actually, one can use words like "first" and "second" and make a good paragraph. ETS raters will not penalize you for that usage.

What the ETS raters do not like is if you use "First," "Second," etc. instead of good, coherent discourse.   In other words, you need to build each sentence on top of the last one.  One way to build good coherence to repeat words, or use "referents" like "it" and "this approach."

For example, look at this introduction paragraph to the essay prompt "Do you agree that 'health is wealth'"?

All the money in the world would be worthless to me if I was not blessed with good health. If I were in poor health, I would not be able to enjoy the benefits of having money, which include traveling the world, attending music concerts, buying luxurious houses, and eating delicious meals. Thus, my number-one priority is to stay healthy by eating the right foods, exercising, and receiving adequate rest.