Argument200修改在三楼，望得到高手指点，感激不尽

hejieladyUID: 2282175

A200.Statistics collected from dentists indicate that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. This evidence suggests that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are. Thus, dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous of suffering patients.

The statement of the argument seems sound at first blush, a further analysis nevertheless indicating that the author's reasoning is based upon insufficient evidence and several invalid assumptions. In other words, the argument suffers from several illogical problems, which would render it from convincing us as it states.

In the first place, the argument assumes that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. Yet the author fails to provide evidence to support this assumption. It is completely possible in the case that there are more male patients than female's leads to the result of more men faint. For example, if there are 1000 men and 100 women visit the dentists during a period, and 30 men and 10 women faint, the proper example can easily overturn the author's assumption. Therefore, lacking reliable evidence to prove the correctness of the assumption, the author cannot justifiably conclude that men are more easily than women when going to the dentist.

Secondly, given that the assumption in the first paragraph is warranted, it is still not reasonable for the author to claim that men are more likely than women to be distressed. As to the case of having dental work done, in the fact that women are more likely to hind their feelings, women may be more nervous than men. Unlike men, they may suffer from other distress rather than faint, and distress like psychological, mental, and so forth; if worse, they even not go to the dentists. Without pondering and ruling those and other factors, it can not reach to the result that men are more likely than women to be distressed while having dental work done.

Last but not least, the author irrationally suggests that in an attempt to attract patients, the advertisement should be devised to target the male consumer, and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous and suffering patients. If there are just many of those women who would not visit the dentists because of nervous, a large volume of potential clients would lose. In addition, the most important thing cared by patients is the dentists' technique but not their sensitivity. Relying only upon the effectiveness of anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous and suffering patients does nothing to attract clients.

Based on the analysis of all these illogical and unreasonable evidence, the author can not safely draw the hasty conclusion which, alleged in the statement, would mislead the dentists and patients, and may even give rise to serious situations. To strengthen the argument, the author should investigate and present more specific details and scientific statistics. Besides, it is very necessary for the arguer to ponder every possible factors may serve to attracting clients, and consider carefully to contrive a more constructively suggestion.


[ 本帖最后由 hejielady 于 2007-7-6 21:22 编辑 ]

yaoqian0424UID: 2323517

Argument200 METTLE作文小组第六次作业 by hejielady
A200.Statistics collected from dentists indicates that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. This evidence suggests that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are. Thus, dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous of suffering patients.

The statement of the argument seems sound （at first blush好词，学习）, a further analysis nevertheless indicating 改 indicatesthat the author's reasoning is based upon insufficient evidence and several invalid assumptions. In other words, the argument suffers from several illogical problems, which would render it from convincing us as it states.
第一段用词精炼，有新意，但是没有给出任何有关Argument 的内容，是否显得空泛

In the first place, the argument assumes that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. Yet the author fails to provide evidence to support this assumption. 前面两句可以合并成一句主题句It is completely possible in the case that there are more male patients than female's leads to the result of more men faint这句话的意思不太明白，LZ可否斟酌下. For example, if可以去掉 there are 1000 men and 100 women visit the dentists during a period, and 30 men and 10 women faint, 应该在适当阐述下这个例子所表达的意思，比如虽然人数是三倍，但是比例可能更低the proper example can easily overturn the author's assumption. Therefore, lacking reliable evidence to prove the correctness of the assumption, the author cannot justifiably conclude that men are more easily 漏了几个字than women when going to the dentist.
这段的主要缺点就是没有点到关键，没有提到总数和比例关系，这是否定这个假设的关键，光是举了例子而没有很充分地论证

Secondly, given that the assumption in the first paragraph is warranted, it is still not reasonable for the author to claim that men are more likely than women to be distressed. As to the case of having dental work done, in用with 好些 the fact that women are more likely to hindhide their feelings, women may be more nervous than men. Unlike men, they may suffer from other distress rather than faint, and distress like psychological, mental, 这两个应该可以归为同一类and so forth; if worse, they even not go to the dentists. Without pondering and ruling 加outthose and other factors, it can not reach to the result that men are more likely than women to be distressed while having dental work done.
这段论述还可以

Last but not least, the author irrationally suggests that in an attempt to attract patients, the advertisement should be devised to target the male consumer, and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous and suffering patients. If there are just many of those women who would not visit the dentists because of nervous, a large volume of potential （clients这个词比我反复用的consumer 要好） would lose应该用被动语态  这句的论证好像力度还不够，仅提到了不来看病的女性，而忽略了其他紧张的女性. In addition, the most important thing cared by patients is the dentists' technique but not their sensitivity这句有点绝对，还可能有别的因素. Relying only upon the effectiveness of anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous and suffering patients does nothing to attract clients只是不充分而不是根本没用.

Based on the analysis of all these illogical and unreasonable evidence, the author can not safely draw the hasty用在这里就自相矛盾了 conclusion which, alleged in the statement, would mislead the dentists and patients, and may even give rise to serious situations. To strengthen the argument, the author should investigate and present more specific details and scientific statistics关于什么方面的应该说清楚. Besides, it is very necessary for the arguer to ponder every possible factors may serve to attracting clients, and consider carefully to contrive a more constructively suggestion.

如果是限时的话就写的不错了，语言富于变化，表达流畅，句式结构也多样
要指出的就是有些语言华丽但是没有表达出实质意思，以后要注意紧扣文章的逻辑缺陷
也要避免某些语言的极端化
个人愚见，仅供参考

hejieladyUID: 2282175

是啊,之前A首段我都有给出一两句内容的,准备给A定型,今天看了范文,觉得还是要给出内容比较好,
稍晚点改下你的文章,再改下自己的文章!

hejieladyUID: 2282175

A200.Statistics collected from dentists indicate that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. This evidence suggests that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are. Thus, dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous of suffering patients.

Resting on the statistics collected from dentists to suggest that men are more likely to be distressed while going to the dentists, and then the dentists should advertise to attract patients targeting the male consumer, the author's statement seems sound at first blush. A further analysis nevertheless indicating that the his or her reasoning is based upon insufficient evidence and  invalid deduction, which would therefore render it from convincing us as it states.

In the first place, the author fails to provide evidence to support his assumption that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. It is completely possible that there are more male patients than female during the investigating period, has lead to the result of more men faint. Assuming that there are 1000 men and 100 women visit the dentists during that period, and 30 men and 10 women faint. By comparing the ratio of male and female patients to that of the faints-- -ten to one to three to one---the proper presumption can easily overturn that of the author's. Therefore, lacking reliable evidence to prove the correctness of the assumption, the author cannot justifiably conclude that men are more easily than women when going to the dentist.

Secondly, given that the assumption in the first paragraph is warranted, it is still not reasonable for the author to claim that men are more likely than women to be distressed. As to the case of having dental work done, in the fact that women are more likely to hind their feelings, women may be more nervous than men. Unlike men, they may suffer from other distress rather than faint, and distress like psychological, mental, and so forth; if worse, they may even not go to the dentists. Without pondering and ruling out those and other factors, it can not reach to the result that men are easier in coma compared to women while having dental work done.

Last but not least, the author irrationally suggests that in an attempt to attract patients, the advertisement should be devised to target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous and suffering patients. If there are just many of those women who would not visit the dentists because of nervous, a prodigious amount of potential female clients would lose. Moreover, as it is always women who manage the house-hold and consume the most, they have always been considered as the prime objection of the ads. Thus, how could the dentists neglect to aim at the female patients? In addition, the most important thing cared by patients is the dentists' technique but not their sensitivity. After all, Relying only upon the effectiveness of anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous and suffering patients do little to attract clients.

Based on the analysis of all these illogical and unreasonable evidence, the author can not safely draw the conclusion which, irrational alleged in the statement, would mislead the dentists and patients, and may even give rise to serious situations. To strengthen the argument, the author should investigate and present more specific details and scientific statistics to prove whether it is true men are easier faint than women. The author should also bolster the argument by pondering every possible factors may serve to attracting clients, and contriving a more constructively suggestion.

[ 本帖最后由 hejielady 于 2007-7-6 21:18 编辑 ]

hejieladyUID: 2282175

如题，谢谢！

kiciUID: 169506

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... light=%2Biloveissue
来看看这篇文章，iloveissue的大作。里面关于TS和展开都非常好。
body1 第一句TS没有满足上文要求，概括全文。我觉得这样会不会好些，the author makes a confusion between the number and the proportion when talking about which gender is eaier to faint.
body3 TS太长，概括一些建议内容……
我概括的是，marketing target and means.目标和方法。

展开论证 我也很不行。我也就不动笔了。

我刚和你写过同样一篇文章，我努力做到TS能概括全段落。感觉还OK
段内展开好像逻辑比较差。可以做反面教材
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-697531-1-2.html