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As we enter into the modern society, the slogans such as freedom, equality（和自由和平等似乎和后面要论述的没多大关系啊 ，至少联系不紧） are all around us. Then more and more people are emphasizing the importance of individuality of each person, since it is always associated with these slogans. But we should not overlook conformity, which is also a crucial factor to one's success.（应该在某种程度上强调经济的成功，而不是个人的成功，个人成功并不意味着经济成功） 完全赞同的观点？ Admittedly, in order to success in the business world, we should pay much attention to（on） the individuality of each person. Individuality always focus on the difference of personalities, various culture background and so on between individuals, as a consequence it tend to bring about creative thoughts, insightful ideas etc. Take the prestige（这个词用的非常奇怪） company Google for example, the executive of Google always values its worker's individuality and announce that all the staffs can adopt their own work style in the company. As a result, although we may find out lots of wired working styles such as bring pets into the office, the work efficiency promotes and creative ideas of the employees also spring out due to each person feel ease and comfortable. Google's success is a miracle（to）the（去掉）some Americans, and behind the miracle we see the significant role played by individuality. Therefore, we should advocate each one's individuality in for the sake of stimulate each person's own potential. 强调个人的重要性，例子举的不错啊，最后再多加一两句对例子的解释就更好了。 However, at the same time, one has also conform to some rules or laws of the market, this also guarantee the success of him or her. Our society is full of regulations, which ensures a stable and orderly place for us to live in. As we are living in this society, we must abide（bounded） by these regulations, for any intention to break the laws will force the person in prisons, let alone achieving their success. If one person always focuses on his or her own individuality, he or she may turn out to be someone who concerns only self-interest and may ignore other people's feelings. This is a very dangerous consequence, for he or she may even break laws so as to satisfy himself or herself. Hence conformity is of an equal importance to one's future success. (这一段又犯了老毛病，很空泛，为什么不具体的说说呢。有哪些规范，什么人在什么时候应该遵守？什么不遵守会让人进监狱，完全可以扩展。空泛的讲道理常让人看的很烦啊。把讲道理穿插为对例子的解释，应该是最好的方法。) Moreover, cooperation, which serve as an（a） critical element in one's success, also need conformity of each person. With our society becoming more complex, lots of professions need to cooperate with each other. Take the invention of triode, which provide great impetus for human society's progress, for example, it is through three scientist's joint effort to invent triode. （例子举的好）One person can not solve all the problems and one always need to collaborate with his/her colleagues to conquer the obstacles lying in front of him/her. But cooperation require conformity, for we must set up certain rules and decide who take responsibility for which part of job. It is hard to imagine the people who pay undue（too much好一点，这个词看起来怪的很） attentions to individuality can collaborate with others well, since they may constantly quarrel with other people for his own interest but without taking any actions to do something. So one's success also related to conformity, which is a determinative factor to one's capability to cooperate.（还是没有讲到经济的成功，通篇没有讲到经济的成功！）In sum, individuality fosters a person who can produce creative ideas and think independently, conformity nurture a person who is prudent and moderate. Both these dispositions are needed to produce a qualified citizen, who can accomplish the goals he/she dreams of. 这篇比上篇有很大的进步，只不过感觉还是不能紧扣主体，经济的成功！感觉你的文章还有个问题，就是分析问题的方面都很浅显，似乎是人人都懂得的道理，而且论证也深不进去，这样，看作文的人会觉得比较郁闷。要不然就把问题的方方面面分析透彻，要不然就提出自己的独特深入的观点。针对简单的问题，也可以分析出自己的哲理，呵呵 加油！
PS：第二段写的还可以，如果再和economic success扯上点关系，文章会显得更紧凑！
[ 本帖最后由 lulu花开 于 2007-7-9 18:48 编辑 ] | 
发表于 2007-7-8 22:33:38
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