argument20 0710G summer小组作业3

冰河UID: 2302448

TOPIC: ARGUMENT26 - The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.

"For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system."
WORDS: 443          TIME: 0:50:00          DATE: 2007-7-20
1复述原文
2得奖未必是Mr.Schade的功劳
3乐器改进未必是Mr.Schade的功劳
4 a music director和plan and direct 需要的不是一种才能
5没考虑其他的竞争者
6总结和改进
In this argument, the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda recommends school board hire Mr.Schade, the music director at Steel City High School last five years, to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. To substantiate the recommendation, the chairperson cites the facts that during that time Steel City High School has won three regional band competitions and the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at that school has improved markedly. Plausible as it is, however, close scrutiny of these facts reveals that it suffer from several critical flaws.

To begin with, although the school band from Steel city High received wonderful results during the past five years, there is no evidence that these results are attributing to Mr. Schade merely because he was the music director at that school. It is possible that the school band from that school had been even more wonderful in competitions before Mr. Schade was the music director. If so, his predecessor is to be praised, rather than him.

In addition, the argument based on an assumption that it is Mr.Charles Schade's effects and abilities to improve the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments. Yet, this alone amounts to scant evidence. It is common sense that this work is always done by alumni or administrators. Without prove adequate evidence, the chairperson can not convince me that Mr. Schade is to be credit for this thing.

Furthermore, even if Mr. Schade is capable to be a music director, I query whether he is also competent to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Caluda school system. After all, these two jobs need different abilities and skills. It is entirely possible that Mr. Schade is merely good at inspire students which is the key to won the band competitions, yet he does not do well in other fields such as plan and administration. If so, the recommendation would lose it’s persuasive whatsoever.

Finally, the chairperson fails to consider other candidates in recommending Mr. Schade It is entirely possible that other candidates are more enthusiastic and experienced for the job, therefore they would do much better than Mr. Schade in a few years.

In conclusion, the recommendation is unpersuasive as it stands. To bolster it, the chairperson would have to provide more evidence to endure that Mr. Schade's was responsible for the reward of the school ban at Steel City High School and the improvement of musical instruments and music rehearsal facilities. To better evaluate the recommendation, we would need more information to rule out the possibility that other candidates are even more suitable to the job.

实在找不出什么新的错误，郁闷啊！

[ 本帖最后由 冰河 于 2007-7-20 19:54 编辑 ]

rainyni0812UID: 2186847

句子和论证都还顺畅，一些细节需要注意。I agree with the speaker that so much is new and complex today, however in my view past still provides much guidance for living in the present.Admittedly, with rapid development of the science and technology, our society differs from past significantly. We are enjoying the convenience taken from high-tech: we can communicate with others in different countries on internet; we can reach every place in the world within one day. The earth became more like a village. All of such civilizations are fantastic in past time. Meanwhile, modern revolution of science and technology has a severe impact of our values, ideas and mores. In ancients time the take autarchy for granted, whereas in modem time democracy is accepted by most individuals and any kind of despotism stemming from suppression of individual freedoms invariable falls of their oppressive power.However, it is still worthwhile to look back for an understanding of the past. One crucial reason for my value the past is that learning about wisdom and tenacity if history's great philosophers, writers and other achievers inspires us to similar  achievement, or at least make us more wise and courageous.(句式有问题，没读懂) One needs to look no further than the profound influence of Confucius, a famous Chinese philosophy 2,000 years ago. Even today, his theory of Ethics such as respecting to the teachers, tolerating with others, humility and carefulness still play an important role in leading the behavior of people in many east countries, even (加上西方，那里现在孔子也很火，还可以组成各长句). Another example is Helen Keller, an American female writer. Her tenacity of facing blindness and deafness make many disabled individuals become optimistic and courageous with their inborn deficiency and finally travel to their success.Another essential reason for I value the past is that learning about the mistakes of past can help we avoid repeating them. It is especially true when we come to the environmental respect. At the beginning of Industrial revolution, we cared more about the improvement of produce but overlooked the costs of the environment. Since the end of last century, many countries began to realize that the negative effect of industries such as warm house effect, the rise of the ocean lever and acid rains would bring about disasters to many kinds of creatures as well as human being. At present, most countries began to restrict even close down factories which cost a large quantity of resources or energies and pollute the environment. To sum up, I concede insofar as the difference between today and past is significant, yet, it is not to say that history provides little guidance for the present, on the contrary, it bring about a mirror which we can learn wisdom and courage and avoid repeating mistakes of past.

rainyni0812UID: 2186847

1复述原文
2得奖未必是Mr.Schade的功劳
3乐器改进未必是Mr.Schade的功劳
4 a music director和plan and direct 需要的不是一种才能(应该是general music education programs)
5没考虑其他的竞争者
6总结和改进
哪有那么多新错误啊，冰河，你的长句子一定要保证句式结构正确阿，不然得不偿失。
In this argument, the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda recommends school board recommend to hire Mr.Schade, a music director at Steel City High School last five years, to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. To substantiate the recommendation, the chairperson cites the facts that during that time Steel City High School has won three regional band competitions and the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at that school has improved markedly. Plausible as it is, however, close scrutiny of these facts reveals that it suffers from several critical flaws.

To begin with, although the school band from Steel city High has received wonderful results during the past five years, there is no evidence that these results are attributed to Mr. Schade merely because he was the music director at that school. (句子结构不对啊) It is possible that the school band from that school had been even more wonderful in competitions before Mr. Schade was the music director. If so, his predecessor is to be praised, rather than him.

In addition, the argument based on an assumption that it is Mr.Charles Schade's effects and abilities to improve the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments. Yet, this alone amounts to scant evidence. It is common sense that this work is always done by alumni or administrators. Without proving adequate evidence, the chairperson can not convince me that Mr. Schade is to be credit for this thing.

Furthermore, even if Mr. Schade is capable to be a music director, I query whether he is also competent to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Caluda school system. After all, these two jobs need different abilities and skills. It is entirely possible that Mr. Schade is merely good at inspiring students which is the key to won the band competitions, (句子结构不对啊)yet he does not do well in other fields such as plan and administration. If so, the recommendation would lose it’s persuasive whatsoever.

Finally, the chairperson fails to consider other candidates in recommending Mr. Schade It is entirely possible that other candidates are more enthusiastic and experienced for the job, therefore they would do much better than Mr. Schade in a few years.

In conclusion, the recommendation is unpersuasive as it stands. To bolster it, the chairperson would have to provide more evidence to ensure that Mr. Schade's was responsible for the reward of the school band at Steel City High School and the improvement of musical instruments and music rehearsal facilities. To better evaluate the recommendation, we would need more information to rule out the possibility that other candidates are even more suitable to the job.

小宝宝瑞瑞UID: 2365077

我就是爱神起的瑞，刚才ID弄错了，


In this argument, the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda recommends school board hire Mr.Schade, the music director at Steel City High School last five years（不对啊，应该是in the last five years时态不对头，这句很别扭）, to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. To substantiate the recommendation, the chairperson cites the facts that during that time（指代不明确） Steel City High School has won three regional band competitions and the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at that school has improved markedly. Plausible as it is, however, close scrutiny of these facts reveals that it suffer（suffers） from several critical flaws.

    To begin with, although the school band from Steel city High received wonderful results during the past five years, there is no evidence that these results are attributing to Mr. Schade merely because he was the music director at that school(完全可以不要，不对头 感觉这话，说Mr.Schade就行了). It is possible that the school band from that school had been even more wonderful in competitions before Mr. Schade was the music director. If so, his predecessor is to be praised, rather than him.

   In addition, the argument based on an assumption that it is Mr.Charles Schade's effects and abilities to improve the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments. Yet, this alone amounts to scant evidence. It is common sense that this work is always done by alumni or administrators. Without prove adequate evidence, the chairperson can not convince me that Mr. Schade is to be credit for this thing.（完全是和上一段一个错误，完全可以合并。）

    Furthermore, even if Mr. Schade is capable to be a music director, I query whether he is also competent to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Caluda school system. After all, these two jobs need different abilities and skills. It is entirely possible that Mr. Schade is merely good at inspire students which is the key to won the band competitions, yet he does not do well in other fields such as plan and administration. If so, the recommendation would lose it’s persuasive whatsoever.（这段还可以）

     Finally, the chairperson fails to consider other candidates in recommending Mr. Schade It is entirely possible that other candidates are more enthusiastic and experienced for the job, therefore they would do much better than Mr. Schade in a few years.（这个错误看不懂？这应该不算个谬误里的）

      In conclusion, the recommendation is unpersuasive as it stands. To bolster it, the chairperson would have to provide more evidence to endure that Mr. Schade's was responsible for the reward of the school ban at Steel City High School and the improvement of musical instruments and music rehearsal facilities. To better evaluate the recommendation, we would need more information to rule out the possibility that other candidates are even more suitable to the job.
总的来说长句子太多 ，结构不清晰，其实写出3个错误就好了丫！！！

[ 本帖最后由 小宝宝瑞瑞 于 2007-7-21 10:20 编辑 ]

冰河UID: 2302448

In this argument, the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda recommended school board to hire Mr.Schade, a music director at Steel City High School in the last five years, to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. To substantiate the recommendation, the chairperson cites the facts that during his tenure Steel City High School has won three regional band competitions and the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at that school has improved markedly. Plausible as it is, however, close scrutiny of these facts reveals that it suffers from several critical flaws.

To begin with, although the school band from Steel city High has received wonderful results during the past five years, there is no evidence to prove that Mr. Schad is responsible for these results. It is possible that the school band from that school had been even more wonderful in competitions before Mr. Schade was the music director. If so, his predecessor is to be praised, rather than him.

In addition, the argument based on an assumption that it is Mr.Charles Schade's effects and abilities to improve the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments. Yet, this alone amounts to scant evidence. It is common sense that this work is always done by alumni or administrators. Without providing adequate evidence, the chairperson can not convince me that Mr. Schade is to be credit for this thing.

Furthermore, even if Mr. Schade is capable to be a music director, I query whether he is also competent to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Caluda school system. After all, these two jobs need different abilities and skills. It is entirely possible that the skills that lead to the success of band competitions are not the same skills required for the district position. If so, the recommendation would lose it’s persuasive whatsoever.

Finally, the chairperson fails to consider other candidates in recommending Mr. Schade It is entirely possible that other candidates are more enthusiastic and experienced for the job, therefore they would do much better than Mr. Schade in a few years.

In conclusion, the recommendation is unpersuasive as it stands. To bolster it, the chairperson would have to provide more evidence to ensure that Mr. Schade's was responsible for the reward of the school band at Steel City High School and the improvement of musical instruments and music rehearsal facilities. To better evaluate the recommendation, we would need more information to rule out the possibility that other candidates are even more suitable to the job.

冰河UID: 2302448

我的结构大体参考了北美范文