第一次作文，各位大侠帮忙来拍

蝾螈UID: 2326125

第一次作文，没按照时间写，8月4日的考试，大家多帮帮忙~在此先谢谢了:)
原题:People attend college or university for many different reasons(for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university?Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

我的作文:
People attend college or university for many reasons. Personally speaking, in the following passage I will use several specific reasons to illustrate my idea about attending college or university.

First of all, teacher is a most important reason. A conscientious teacher always prepares his lecture carefully, intelligently, and with the full consideration of all aspects concerning subject. For instance, one of my friends Mark, he is learning to be an actuary, and his professor used to be a CEO in an international company. During class, the professor tells them a lot about the subject practical and theoretical. Teacher plays an important role at college or in the university.

Also, at college or in the university, increasing knowledge is convenient for students. Most students are eager to obtain knowledge, but they lack the sense of what is good, or what is necessary and how such a deficiency in the concept of viewing the situation as a whole would mislead them. While in this situation, the college or university will arrange a schedule telling the students what to learn and when to learn in a systematic way. Thus, is it not convenient to learn?

And moreover, at college or in the university, career preparation is made for the future. Chances always come to those with full preparations. Take my father for example, now he runs a hotel and his partner is his classmates at college. When they were still at college, they decided to set up their own company. And with the help of their professor they succeed. So, we can see without good preparation there will be no success.

To draw a conclusion, I think attending college or university is necessary. At college or in the university, we can have teachers’ help, we can increase knowledge conveniently, and we can make our career preparation. These are why we have so many colleges or universities all over the world for us to study in.

梅菲斯突UID: 2330105

不是很专业的评论...大家指点...

People attend college or university for many reasons(建议在这里扩展,凑个字数:such as...for example...). Personally speaking, in the following passage(此句多余) I(和前面personally重复) will use several specific reasons to illustrate my idea about attending college or university(建议在这里先说明作者观点,而不是单纯引入,显得没有主旨).

First of all, teacher is a(the) most important reason(我觉得这里怪怪的,"教师是个理由"?,简单可以改成teacher is the most important element that have to be considered...如果是我写,我会写成First, a good teacher may greatly help the students in their major, more over, can help them start their career in a right way.然后下面再分解). A conscientious teacher always prepares his lectureS carefully, intelligently, and with the full consideration of all aspects concerning subject(这里是想说明教师拓展与课程相关的东西么?个人觉得可以写得简单点:he or she will introduce more knowledge which can greatly expand the students' vision). For instance, one of my friends Mark, he(who) is learning to be an (这里感觉也很怪,不如用major in?) actuary, and his professor used to be a CEO in an international company. During class(这个用法我不太sure), the professor tells them a lot about the subject (both)practical and theoretical. Teacher plays an important role at college or in the university.

Also, at college or in the university, increasing knowledge is convenient for students(这个主旨句值得商榷~为什么要用convenient呢?大学本来就是来gain knowledge的啊...). Most students are eager to obtain knowledge, but they lack the sense of what is good, or what is necessary and how such a deficiency in the concept of viewing the situation as a whole would mislead them. While in this situation, the college or university will arrange a schedule telling the students what to learn and when to learn in a systematic way. Thus, is it not convenient to learn?
(按照LZ的意思重新写一次试下:Also, collages and universities provide a great atomsphere for students. They can get the professional information from tutors and professor in the collage, which can guide them in a correct way in their further researches or in their careers. And what's more, they can discuss in group when they have problems in the lessons, make friends with the classmates and i'm sure that it will be a great help in their future career.

And moreover, at college or in the university, career preparation is made for the future(还是逻辑错误,preparation本来就是for future的嘛~). Chances always come to those with full preparations(bingo!i love this quote!). Take my father for example, now he runs a hotel and his partner is his classmates(classmate) at college. When they were still at college, they decided to set up their own company. And with the help of their professor they succeed. So, we can see without good preparation there will be no success.(我很喜欢这个例子,不过我不太觉得这个例子可以支持你的主旨句,parparation有很多种性质,可以是专业上的,也可以是人脉上的,建议LZ细化)

To draw a conclusion, I think attending college or university is necessary(这句回应主题的话在文章开头也要有~). At college or in the university, we can have teachers’ help, we can increase knowledge conveniently, and we can make our career preparation(我改写一下这句:As we can see above, attaending colleges or universities can meet a lot of good teachers, make us become professional, and even start our careers). These are why we have so many colleges or universities all over the world for us to study in.(这个结尾有点奇怪,文章主题是问你觉得读大学好还是不好,怎么在最后倒变成了因为有以上好处,所以有很多大学给我们读呢?改写一下:Fortunately, nowadays in China, more and more colleges and universities offer more positions for applicants, and attending colleges or universitites becomes easier in China. It will surely have great help to the development of the nation.新东方的老师说~这叫虚笔~吹吧~嘿嘿~)

最后我觉得LZ的structure挺好的,但是topic/statement在一开始没有提出来,有两个topic sentences的逻辑有问题,建议重新写几个比较牛X的主旨句会比较有震慑力,举例充分,但example和topicsentences的逻辑不够严密.另外有些表达有点chinglish,建议全部改用一些比较低级的口语化的词,避免用中文思维抽象说理,那样能让人看得明白一些

以上浅见.第一次改文章...LZ和大家拍砖...;d:

蝾螈UID: 2326125

谢谢这位仁兄~一语点醒梦中人。:)

luqfUID: 2139577

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蝾螈UID: 2326125

修改过的作文~再帮拍啊
People attend college or university for many reasons. Personally speaking, I would like to go to college or university to study. In the following passage I will use several specific reasons to illustrate my idea about attending college or university.

First of all, teacher is a most important element to be considered. A conscientious teacher always prepares his lectures carefully, intelligently, and with the full consideration of all aspects concerning subject. For instance, one of my friends Mark, a future actuary, has a professor used to be a CEO of an international company. Every class, the professor not only teaches them the theories in the text, but also explains those theories by his own experience. Hence, at college or in the university the professors there can give students knowledge both theoretical and practical.

Also, at college or in the university, knowledge is directly given to the students. Most students are eager to obtain knowledge, but they lack the sense of what is good, or what is necessary and how to make it. While, at college or in the university, there are textbooks telling us what to learn, schedules telling us when to learn, and tutors or professors explaining every doubt to us. Do not you think attending college or university makes learning easier?

And moreover, at college or in the university, career preparation is made. Chances always come to those with full preparations. Take my father for example, now he runs a hotel and his partner is his classmates at college. When they were still at college, they decided to set up their own company. And with the help of their professor they succeed. My father got almost every preparation at college, a partner, an adviser, the knowledge and the confident and so on. So, we can see how important the preparation made at school is.

As we can see above, attending college or university is necessary. At college or in the university, we can have teachers’ professional help, we can increase knowledge easily, and we can make our career preparation. These are why we have so many colleges or universities all over the world for us to study in.