Issue208 第九篇I by coalaxixi

coalaxixiUID: 2353397

"The way people look, dress, and act reveals their attitudes and interests. You can tell much about a society's ideas and values by observing the appearance and behavior of its people."
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1.       Various wearing can indicate different ideas and values of a society.
2.       Difference in behavior also reveals something different between societies.
3.       Besides, to get a further and comprehensive understanding of a society’s ideas and values, we should also get known about their thought and culture.

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When you come across a boy with fresh green hair and exaggerate dressing in the street, how would you respond? Would you judge him as an alien? Or would you keep your eyes on him for a longer time? Or would you wonder his identity? So one's appearance somehow gives people the first impression on him no matter whether you admit or not. Moreover, it could even indicate the ideas and values of a society in some extent.

Turning first to the way people look and dress, certain aspects of the outward appearance do inform us of their ideas, attitudes, and values. One typical example on hand is the dress of Arabian women who always have their faces covered even when the whether is very hot. You may wonder why they are so strange. So it reveals some different ideas of the society between you and the local people. It is a normal phenomenon in Arab countries, which is decided by their traditional regional convention. Nevertheless, as the time changes, their ideas are changing little by little. Nowadays, some Arab women whose minds are more open and active also wear up fashionable dressing and uncover their face to show beautiful smiles. Similar change can be seen in china. The ancient Chinese people wore Hanfu, the clothing of the Han people, which showed value of restrict classes partition in the old days. Later, as the coming of the new time, the classes value was eliminated and people began to wear modern dress escaping the bind of Hanfu.  What's more, in our modern society, business men often wear suit and tie up when they are in business, on one hand to show some respect to the career, on the other hand to gain good impression from others because it is a formal wearing judged by the value of now society. Thus, the ideas and values of a society can decide the way of wearing more or less.

Turn next to the way people act. The habits, rituals and lifestyles of a culture often do provide accurate signals about its values. It is a common sense that people from different countries often have different behaviors and habits. Provide a simplest example -- the way how people say hello. Japanese often bow to each other when they meet while French often hug or even kiss to show their greetings. It is not hard to understand why they behave in different ways if you know that Japanese society is one which values human dignity, whose members behave in a genteel, respectful, and courteous manner toward one each, while French people are very romantic, one may prefer the flowers and chocolates. Their ways of action are often bred of their respective value of society.

Admittedly, appearance and behavior are not the mere indicators of people’s value. Besides, to draw a further and comprehensive understanding of a society, getting acquaintance with the thought of people and their culture is also an essential way. It can be an important complement of only judging from the appearance and behavior, especially in now diversified and changeable society.

To sum up, the way people look, dress, and act can reveal their attitudes and interests in some extent. You can tell much about a society's ideas and values by observing the appearance and behavior of its people. In order to get an all-round and further understanding of the society, you should also get known of the people's thought and their culture.


[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-7-29 18:56 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

"The way people look, dress, and act reveals their attitudes and interests. You can tell much about a society's ideas and values by observing the appearance and behavior of its people."
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1.       Various wearing can indicate different ideas and values of a society.(wearing=dress, 和look同属于appearance, 而这个是和你后面的behaviro并列的, 所以说你的提纲里漏了look, 多少有些不妥)
2.       Difference in behavior also reveals something different between societies.
3.       Besides, to get a further and comprehensive understanding of a society’s ideas and values, we should also get known about their thought and culture.

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When you come across a boy with fresh green hair and exaggerate dressing in the street, how would you respond? Would you judge him as an alien? Or would you keep your eyes on him for a longer time? Or would you wonder his identity?(这些问题提得很不靠谱, 有些迂回而让人摸不到信息点, 不利于导向论点, 特别是会不会盯着人家看那个, 跟给人印象没多大关系, 一定要用问句的话问些直接跟题目相关的, 比如他的想法是不是很新奇, 他是不是学艺术的, 他的家庭背景是不是很开放, 他所在的社会环境是不是很宽松, 等等) So one's appearance somehow gives people the first impression on him no matter whether you admit or not.(问you, 然后生转到gives people, 没有过度, 问句和这句显得脱节, 加上一个"such questions maybe common to every one that noticed the boy, and to me, this is a hint to draw that one's appearance....) Moreover, it could even indicate the ideas and values of a society in some extent.

Turning first to the way people look and dress, certain aspects of the outward appearance do inform us of their ideas, attitudes, and values.(why? 先解释论点拔高层次, 会让人知道你此段的论证出发点, 给之后的举例奠定基础, 便于后面展开分析, 直接上例子就让人觉得象是在草率推广) One typical example on hand is the dress of Arabian women who always have their faces covered even when the whether is very hot. You may wonder why they are so strange. (此话显得不客观, 用one) So it reveals some different ideas of the society between you and the local people. It is a normal phenomenon in Arab countries, which is decided by their traditional regional convention. Nevertheless, as the time changes, their ideas are changing little by little. Nowadays, some Arab women whose minds are more open and active also wear up fashionable dressing and uncover their face to show beautiful smiles.(what regional convention? how did it influence the appearance? veil means hiding face, since Arab wives are thought to be private ownings of their husbands and therefore cannot show their faces to outsiders. 注意论证深度. 然后解释: One in Christian or secular world may take this as unreasonale, or even doing harm to human rights) Similar change can be seen in china. The ancient Chinese people wore Hanfu, the clothing of the Han people, which showed value of restrict classes partition in the old days. Later, as the coming of the new time, the classes value was eliminated and people began to wear modern dress escaping the bind of Hanfu.  What's more, in our modern society, business men often wear suit and tie up when they are in business, on one hand to show some respect to the career, on the other hand to gain good impression from others because it is a formal wearing judged by the value of now society. Thus, the ideas and values of a society can decide the way of wearing more or less.(这段应该是论证外表表达文化, 结果你先把话题转到了文化差异, 然后又说文化变异, 接着转回来说商务人士穿西装表达个人的尊重, 每个例子的出发点没有经过层层深入或者并列或者补充的组织, 而是一下子砸出来, 谁强调什么方面也不知道, 这样的例证组织显得很混乱, 而且第一个例子的文化差异其实跟穿着解释社会观念没什么大联系, 只是用作说明而已, 没必要用那么多句子, 第二的文化变异应该联系到什么思想变了, 揭示了什么, 不然就显得离题很远, 至于第三个, 出现的不是位置, 前两个都扩展到一个民族, 从文化, 宗教角度论证, 这个却乏味如此之小, 显得跟前两个脱节. 另外LOOK指的不光是衣服, 可以适当说些别的)

Turn next to the way people act. The habits, rituals and lifestyles of a culture often do provide accurate signals about its values. It is a common sense that people from different countries often have different behaviors and habits.(不同国家的人不同行为和习惯跟揭示观念是什么关系? 这个逻辑反了, 你是从行为去论证原因, 这个原因是观念价值差异, 而国家不同没有直接和它们中任何一个建立联系) Provide a simplest example -- the way how people say hello. Japanese often bow to each other when they meet while French often hug or even kiss to show their greetings. It is not hard to understand why they behave in different ways if you know that Japanese society is one which values human dignity, whose members behave in a genteel, respectful, and courteous manner toward one each, while French people are very romantic, one may prefer the flowers and chocolates.(并列对比注意句子重量分配平均, 你这里的句子组织太偏向被比较的前者了) Their ways of action are often bred of their respective value of society.(how? flowers and chocolates are signals of romantic emotion, and thus become beacons of French relationship....把例子解释清楚)

Admittedly, appearance and behavior are not the mere indicators of people’s value.(这个转折生硬而跑题, 题目也没说是不是唯一的标准, 根本没提到别的手段, 你这里就没必要让步, 向谁让都不知道, 想要发展这个观点需要对前面的论证作出评价, 比如它们还不足, 有时候不准确, 所以我对题目观点部分保留, 它需要别的要素来补充) Besides, to draw a further and comprehensive understanding of a society, getting acquaintance with the thought of people and their culture is also an essential way.(thought=idea, culture=society, 这个跟题目说的不是一回事么? 题目是说通过外表来了解这些内容, 你这里变成直接的了, 不构成补充关系, 因为你提出的方法跟题目的方法不是同一逻辑层面上的) It can be an important complement of only judging from the appearance and behavior, especially in now diversified and changeable society. (此段没解释, 如果实在没时间或者没思想写这个, 不如跟末段合并, 说我们还要通过其它手段了解)

To sum up, the way people look, dress, and act can reveal their attitudes and interests in some extent. You can tell much about a society's ideas and values by observing the appearance and behavior of its people. In order to get an all-round and further understanding of the society, you should also get known of the people's thought and their culture.

总评: 文章结构相对简单, 既然这样就应该把文章的内部论证做充分. 现在写论证显得很baby talk, 象讲故事一样, 缺乏学术性, 在论证时也出了不少口语化的"you will xxxx"的用法, 建议看下官方和北美范文, 官方的满篇比喻那篇6分就别看了, 太难模仿, 至少体会下学术写作的语言风格. 在组织论据时最好做到层次分明, 揣测下自己这个论据是什么出发点, 那个论据是什么出发点, 放一起怎么来证明论点, 不要遇到个例子就拿来用, 那样会造成文章结构散漫.

ruczephyrUID: 2181202

When you come across a boy with fresh green hair and exaggerate dressing in the street, how would you respond? Would you judge him as an alien? Or would you keep your eyes on him for a longer time? Or would you wonder his identity?这里应该回答你所提出的问题而且提的问题问题有点多了So one's appearance somehow gives people the first impression on him no matter whether you admit or not. Moreover, it could even indicate the ideas and values of a society in some extent.这一句点的不够。。改成the appearance also reflects the potential values that the society admires or worships and the living styles of the citizens.

Turning first to the way people look and dress, 这里的语言稍微不是太好，换成when comes to the ways that people dress,会不会好一点certain aspects of the outward appearance do inform us of their ideas, attitudes, and values. 这里需要一些必要的分析One typical example on hand is the dress of Arabian women who always have their faces covered even when the weather is very hot. You may wonder why they are so strange. 这里又点不书面了，换成to explore the reason, one needs not to analyse much that ...So it reveals some different ideas of the society between you and the local people.这句在这比较别扭，可以放到后面总结性的地方去。 It is a normal phenomenon in Arab countries, which is decided by their traditional regional convention. Nevertheless, as the time changes, their ideas are changing little by little. Nowadays, some Arab women whose minds are more open and active also wear up fashionable dressing and uncover their face to show beautiful smiles. 举了一个例子就行了需要一些分析了Similar change can be seen in china. The ancient Chinese people wore Hanfu, the clothing of the Han people, which showed value of restrict classes partition in the old days. Later, as the coming of the new time, the classes value was eliminated and people began to wear modern dress escaping the bind of Hanfu.  What's more, in our modern society, business men often wear suit and tie up when they are in business, on one hand to show some respect to the career, on the other hand to gain good impression from others because it is a formal wearing judged by the value of now society. 这里相应的分析没有了？这样不能和主题联系起来了Thus, the ideas and values of a society can decide the way of wearing more or less.

Turn next to the way people act.改成in terms of people's behaviors The habits, rituals and lifestyles of a culture often do provide accurate signals about its values. It is a common sense that people from different countries often have different behaviors and habits. Provide a simplest example -- the way how people say hello. Japanese often bow to each other when they meet while French often hug or even kiss to show their greetings. It is not hard to understand why they behave in different ways if you know that Japanese society is one which values human dignity, whose members behave in a genteel, respectful, and courteous manner toward one each, while French people are very romantic, one may prefer the flowers and chocolates.这个说的没啥根据把 Their ways of action are often bred of their respective value of society.

Admittedly, appearance and behavior are not the mere indicators of people’s value. 这里应该紧接着的是：其他很多其他的方面都可以反应人们的观念，比如什么什么什么。Besides, to draw a further and comprehensive understanding of a society, getting acquaintance with the thought of people and their culture is also an essential way. It can be an important complement of only judging from the appearance and behavior, especially in now diversified and changeable society. ，这一段基本就是把结论重复了一下，真正实质性的东西没有这么说出来需要再充实一下

To sum up, the way people look, dress, and act can reveal their attitudes and interests in some extent. You can tell much about a society's ideas and values by observing the appearance and behavior of its people. In order to get an all-round and further understanding of the society, you should also get known of the people's thought and their culture.