issue144 [0710G突击先锋小组]第4次作业

fainting_robinUID: 2336582

POSITION：艺术家是对社会和人性有敏锐洞察力的人群，评论家是对艺术作品有敏锐洞察力的人群。一方埋头创造有价值的作品，另一方设法在众多艺术作品发掘那些具有最持久生命力和宝贵价值的，介绍给社会。所以要使社会获得LASTing VALUE 两方缺一不可。
1。艺术家的使命和天性是赋予作品价值。伟大的作品都是关于美关于生命这些永恒话题的思考，当艺术家给出自己的答案的那一刻，作品诞生了，而其价值就产生了，这是永恒而不可磨灭的，除非作品本身被彻底毁灭。举例。
2。但是这些结合了个人经历，历史背景，以特定形式表现出来的‘答案’往往是抽象而晦涩，使思维和情感的结合体，不能通过语言简单的加以描述。而普通人对艺术作品的感受往往只停留在表面。另外有些艺术品的价值必须放在历史背景下去理解，比如文艺复兴时期的画作（把神人性化，这样的作品在今天看来没什么，即使是稍懂绘画的人可能也只是欣赏其绘画技巧，然而其真正意义却在于对宗教压制人性的挑战和对真实生活的美以及人性的推崇）要了解这些才能认识作品的真正价值。因而，不得不承认，价值的诞生离价值为社会所认可和接受还有一段距离。
3。1这段距离，由评论家来填补。不是任何对作品作出评论之词的人都可以被称作评论家。真正的评论家必须具备专业素养，了解领域发展的历史，艺术家的个人生平，对艺术作品有敏锐的洞察力。他们可以感受到作品的内在意义，向大众介绍作品，向社会宣布作品的伟大程度所以说，正是评论家convey the society the lasting values in art works.
3.2在特定的历史时期，评论家起着保护珍贵艺术品的作用。比如说出土文物，其创作者早已归西，如果没有critic来评估它们的价值，政府才能在财力有限的情况下，保存和维护那些最具有历史和艺术双重价值的陶器，雕塑，诗画作品。再比如战争时期，原子弹轰炸日本，避开了京都Kyoto，就是因为有一些专家坚持不能损坏Kyoto的古代建筑遗产。文艺复兴时期的优秀油画作品，随着时间而损坏。如果那时候就评论家发掘其价值，妥善的加以保护，那么今天我们看到的孟娜丽莎的微笑，将是一幅色彩更为鲜艳的作品。（后来只用了一个例子）
3.3此外，评论家促进艺术发展，特别是促进艺术理论的发展（艺术流派的产生，很多术语的创造，什么浪漫主义拉，古典主义拉不是艺术家本人而是评论家）这一点应该写，但是前面字数过多，写不动了。
4让步：评论家也会有反作用，阻碍艺术的发展。新的艺术形式诞生的时候，因循守旧的评论家可能会群起而攻之。比如印象派代表人物莫奈，早期时创作的作品甚至不被允许参展。再比如凡高，身前不得志，画卖不出去。（省略了，一是从篇幅考虑所以略去，二是从文考虑，觉得写了会削弱结论，但是一般都说有点反面的让步思维会显得比较周密，所以恳请指教这一点是否要写）


The author asserts that the artist, rather than the critic provides society something of lasting value. However my point of view is that both the artist and the critic are essential for passing the lasting value to our society. The artist is sensitive to the human nature, the essence of the beauty, while the critic is sensitive to the value of art works. The former creates great pieces of art containing values and the latter digs out the most splendid ones from numerous works, then conveys their lasting value to the society.

Primarily, it's artist's inborn mission to endow value with certain form of arts, such as paintings, music, novels. And master pieces of art are always born with  perpetual thinking and inquiry about meaning of  beauty or life. And the works themselves are just the answers that the artist provides for the questions of beauty or life. Therefore at the moment that the art work is created, the lasting value has born within them. Take the symphony no.5 for example which is made by Beethoven and also recognized as symphony 'fate'. The great composer use rhythm to depict his attitude towards misfortune-the unyielding fights. It is the idea the composer tries to tell us rather than the beauty of the music form that amount to the lasting value of the symphony. Unless the are works are fully destroyed, left no information and impressions of them, the value inside them will last forever once people discover it for the reflections of the eternal issues are everlasting.

However, the 'answers' are always obscure, abstract, difficult to understand, combining the emotions with the thoughts, expressed with a certain form of the art, and affected by the artists' individual experience and the historical graph. Hence, common people without expertise and background knowledge at most perceive exterior beauty, such as an interest character in a novel, an lovely girl in a painting, a sound tune of the music. It's far away to catch the real value of the works. Another case, if showed with a portrait of the Virgin Mary accomplished in Renaissance, even the one who has few knowledge of drawing but know nothing about the art history would merely enjoy the colors and the painting skills of the master piece. Whereas the lasting charm and value of the painting lies in the fact that it's a challenge to the religious organizations claiming the absolute authority of the god, in the way to depict the Virgin Mary alike an ordinary woman, and it calls for attention to life reality and human nature. Admittedly, it's a tough task to comprehend the deeper meaning of the master pieces and to perceive its value. Therefore there remains a long distance between the works are created by the artists and the value inside them  are recognized and accepted by the society.

It is the critic that bridged the gap between the artists and the publics, conveying the society the lasting value in the art works. Back to the assertion, it overestimates importance of the role critic plays. A real critic is not the one who writes comments, but the one who owns the ability to evaluate the art works. They are not only equipped with a expertise but also with sensitivity towards art works and the insights towards art trends. So critic is the nearest one to the value of the works besides the artist himself/herself. It is not only critic's responsibility but also his desire to introduce the art work he appreciates. Critic uses his pen to arouse public attentions to the art work then to raise the status of the artist in art area. Judgments from different critics also benefit the artists by means of bringing him other angles to thinks over the work.

In addition, because of the critics' call to protect art works, we can have the chance to enjoy some  historical art treasures today. For an illustration, during world war 2,  why Kyoto was escaped from the attack of atom bomb while other two cities in Japan were attacked? The reason is that some Chinese critics in architecture strongly demands preservation of the old buildings in Kyoto in the name of preserving the most precious human historical heritages. So without the efforts of the critics, many valuable art works may be destroyed or lost as time goes by.

Therefore, my conclusion is that artist and critic are closely connected. Without any of the them, the art couldn't live on, the value of the art couldn't last.

PS；只顾着埋头写，全文布局没有控制好，失调了- -

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-7-25 11:30 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

(先赞下提纲, 很全面的分析, 有满分ISSUE的气质
唯一的问题是这句:艺术家的使命和天性是赋予作品价值。伟大的作品都是关于美关于生命这些永恒话题的思考，当艺术家给出自己的答案的那一刻，作品诞生了，而其价值就产生了,这是永恒而不可磨灭的,这两句话加起来就能推出lasting value了, 还要CRITIC做什么? 这段有和主论点矛盾的危险 )
The author asserts that the artist, rather than the critic provides society something of lasting value. However my point of view is that both the artist and the critic are essential for passing the lasting value to our society. The artist is sensitive to the human nature, the essence of the beauty, while the critic is sensitive to the value of art works. The former creates great pieces of art containing values and the latter digs out the most splendid ones from numerous works, then conveys their lasting value to the society.

Primarily, it's artist's(the artist's/arists 单数可数名词不得单独存在) inborn mission to endow value with certain form of arts, such as paintings, music, novels. And(多余, 这两句话直接连在一起就构成解释连续了, and一般用在程序的顺接或者事物的并列上) master pieces of art are always born with (are given birth by, 从你前面的内容来看应该动机, 不是一起生下来)  perpetual thinking and inquiry about meaning of  beauty or life. And the works themselves are just the answers that the artist provides for the questions of beauty or life.(到这里发现你语言上犯了中国学生常犯的问题, 滥用the, 我以前也这样, 后来让NATIVE批了几次以后不得不考虑下, 在使用the前先斟酌下, 一般the有两种用法, 一是指代之前提过的事物, 二是指代一类人或特定名词, 你这里question都已经限定了是beauty of life, 那么就没必要再用the指代了, 多次出现the影响行文的流畅性, 有时候即使语法上有必要, 为避免这种重复也建议改用其它的语法形式, 比如使用复数) Therefore at the moment that the (an 这里应该是泛指) art work is created, the (its) lasting value has (been) born within them. Take the symphony no.5 for example which (which 修饰不明, 句子没有主语, take部分应该是插入成分, 后面加逗号) is made by Beethoven and also recognized as symphony 'fate'. The great composer use rhythm to depict his attitude towards misfortune-the unyielding fights. It is the idea (that 强调句的that不可省略) the composer tries to tell us rather than (刚才并没有否认--甚至没有提过the beauty of form这个概念, 怎么现在又变成idea rather than the beauty了? 注意你论证的重点是"艺术的价值存在于艺术家对美的认识, 对生活的态度", 而不是"艺术的价值存在于内在还是形式", 二者服务的主题方向是不一样的) the beauty of the music form that amount to the lasting value of the symphony. Unless the are works are fully destroyed, left no information and impressions of them, the value inside them will last forever once people discover it for the reflections of the eternal issues are everlasting.(这句话得不到前文的有效支持, 因为前文没有提到艺术的完整和遗留的问题, 可以结合贝多芬同学的例子引导到这个结论, 比如音乐一直流传, 成为社会的财富, 它的每一个旋律都为人们所传诵, 鼓励着人们, 即使是一个片段, 也为我们受用, 它的影响已经远远超出它本身--然后转入这句话)
(段落评语: 可以看出你的考虑问题的层次是很深的, 但这样有两个问题: 1, 语言跟不上, 可以说你很多语言上的用法很随意, 没有精确反应你的思维, 造成了文章逻辑上的不连续, 加上大量的语法错误, 使得句子很晦涩, 要看上几遍次能看懂; 2, 结构跟不上, 思维深度越深, 逻辑层次越多, 需要进行的组织就越复杂, 很多点都不是一目了然的, 因此需要多加说明, 写每句话的时候推敲下它跟前一句的关系, 和分论点的关系, 和主论点的关系, 看看能不能形成整理的论证)


However, the 'answers' are always obscure, abstract, difficult to understand, combining the emotions with the thoughts, expressed with (by) a certain form of the art, and affected by the artists' individual experience and the historical graph (context).(这句话需要解释, 这些元素怎么使答案变得晦涩?) Hence, common people without expertise and background knowledge at most (are at most able to 注意这里强调的是"能力", 而不是"客观过程") perceive exterior beauty, such as an interest (interesting, 这种语法错误有点多了) character in a novel, an lovely girl in a painting, (and, 三个以上并列最后一个前用and, 或者三个后面加and so forth/etc.) a sound tune of the music. It's far away to catch (from catching) the real value of the works. Another case (One在哪? 没有并列的时候别用another, 你这里已经是另外一段的, 例子和上一段的不是并列的), if showed with a portrait of the Virgin Mary accomplished in Renaissance, even the one who has few knowledge of drawing but know nothing about the art history would merely enjoy the colors and the painting skills of the master piece(even some one who has only some surficial knowledge of painting while knowing nothing about art history can enjoy its color pattern and painting skills. However, the lasting charm and value of this painting lies... 这一句话反映了你语言上的很多问题, 比如你要强调的是"可以", 这时用merely就不合适, 因为你之前用了even, 这个词是表示让步的, 等于是在肯定观众的某些方面, 而由此转入下一句就是该用转折, 而不是并列的Whereas, 如果不用even的话可以用另一种表达方法. 另外象drawing的话是谈不上knowledge的, 顶多算skill或者experience, 这个词比painting小很多, 后面的of the master piece也是多余的, 因为前面都有直接提到了这个作品, 同一句内出现第二个指代就会让人觉得信息混乱). Whereas the lasting charm and value of the painting lies in the fact that it's a challenge to the religious organizations claiming the absolute authority of the god, in the way to depict the Virgin Mary alike an ordinary woman, and it calls (so as to call, 注意递进和并列逻辑的区别, 准确使用连接词) for attention to life reality and human nature. Admittedly, it's a tough task to comprehend the deeper meaning of the master pieces and to perceive its value. Therefore there remains a long distance between the works are created (非限定性定语从句要加that, 估计你也知道加上以后句子就很累赘于是没加that, 这样导致主句没有宾语, 所以这里应该使用独立主格结构, 这个词改成being created) by the artists and the value inside them  are(being) recognized and accepted by the society.

(So now what?/When it comes to this issue/In this sense. 注意用连接词, 直接用强调句会切断你之前建立的结构关系, 因为强调句的强调成分是形式主语对应的宾语, 而不是你之前提到的gap)It is the critic that bridged the gap between the artists and the publics(public), conveying (这个动词分词结构的主语不明) the society the lasting value in the art works. Back to the assertion(which assertion? 说题目的话用issue/the speaker's assertion), it overestimates importance of the role critic plays(the importance of the critic, 连续的所属格嵌套使表达很不地道, 信息量也多余). A real critic is not the one who writes comments, but the one who owns the ability to evaluate the art works. They are not only equipped (equipped not only) with a expertise (这个词太笼统了, 不知道说的是什么专业知识) but also with sensitivity towards art works and the insights towards art trends. So critic is the nearest one to the value of the works besides the artist himself/herself. It is not only critic's responsibility but also his desire to introduce the art work he appreciates.(同样句势不同用法连续出现, 使行文显得重复累赘, 可以用as well as句势, 而且这里从责任到欲望没有任何支持, 前面说的是能力, 后面说的作用, 所以不如说their ability, as well as responsibility比较连贯) Critic (同前, 单数可数名词不得单独存在) uses his pen to arouse public attentions to the art work then to raise the status of the artist in art area.(这个观点不在你本文的论证范围之内, 加出来多余) Judgments from different critics also benefit the artists by means of bringing him other angles to thinks over the work.

In addition, because of the critics' call to protect art works,(since critics also hold a duty to protect art works, besides their functions mentioned above, ...这里你要强调的是批评家的另一个职能, 而不是批评家保护和我们有机会的因果关系) we can have the chance to enjoy some  historical art treasures today. For an illustration, during world war 2,  why Kyoto was escaped from the attack of atom bomb while other two cities in Japan were attacked?(你没必要用问句引起人的兴趣, 这里是个很客观的例子, 直接陈述就行了) The reason is that some Chinese critics in architecture strongly demands preservation of the old buildings in Kyoto in the name of preserving the most precious human historical heritages. So without the efforts of the critics, many valuable art works may be destroyed or lost as time goes by.(最好能解释下原因, 比如批评家能认识到这种价值, 并比其他人都aware, 所以他们会积极地去保护艺术品, 从而帮助我们保留这些作品)

Therefore, my conclusion is that artist and critic are closely connected. Without any of the them, the art couldn't live on, the value of the art couldn't last.


总评: LZ的主要问题出在语言上, 很多用词缺乏推敲, 句子形式也不能精确反映想法, 造成论证不直接而显得模糊. 另外语法错误已经影响到了文章意思的表达. 建议多看些英文原文读物, 包括外刊, 范文, 甚至GRE和IBT阅读, 揣测下各种语法结构的用法, 让自己的思维不再受语言限制.

fainting_robinUID: 2336582

谢谢斑竹费心指点！已经根据您的意见把语法错误去掉，补充一些内容，初步的修改过了。段落内部结构层次还没有什么改动，因为不知怎么改好。语言水平只有慢慢积累了，今后我会多加注意！
The author asserts that the artist, rather than the critic provides society something of lasting value. However my point of view is that both the artist and the critic are essential for passing the lasting value to our society. The artist is sensitive to the human nature, the essence of the beauty, while the critic is sensitive to the value of art works. The former creates great pieces of art containing values and the latter digs out the most splendid ones from numerous works, then conveys their lasting value to the society.Primarily, it's the artist’s inborn mission to endow value with certain form of arts, such as paintings, music, novels. Master pieces of art are given birth by perpetual thinking and inquiry about meaning of beauty or life. And the works themselves are just answers that the artist provides for questions of beauty or life Therefore at the moment that an art work is created, its lasting value has been born within them. For example, the symphony no.5 for which is made by Beethoven and also recognized as symphony 'fate'. The great composer use rhythm to depict his attitude towards misfortune-the unyielding fights. It is the idea that the composer tries to tell us amount to the lasting value of the symphony. The musical works Beethoven accomplished in his whole life finally turn into precious treasures belonging to human society. They inspire   listeners wherever and whenever; even a part of them can play profound effects. Unless the are works are fully destroyed, left no information and impressions of them, the value inside them will last forever once people discover it.
However, the 'answers' are always obscure, abstract, difficult to understand, combining the emotions with the thoughts, expressed by a certain form of the art, and affected by the artists' individual experience and the historical context.(这句话需要解释, 这些元素怎么使答案变得晦—help!我不知道该怎么解释阿)Common people without expertise and background knowledge are at most able to  perceive exterior beauty, such as an interesting character in a novel, an lovely girl in a painting, a sound tune of the music. It's far away from catching the real value of the works. For instance, if showed with a portrait of the Virgin Mary accomplished in Renaissance, the one who are familiar with painting but know nothing about the art history would merely enjoy the colors and the drawing skills of it, let alone the public. However the lasting charm and value of the painting lies in the fact that it's a challenge to the religious organizations claiming the absolute authority of the god, in the way to depict the Virgin Mary alike an ordinary woman, so as to call for attentions to life reality and human nature. Admittedly, it's a tough task to comprehend deeper meaning of master pieces and to perceive its value. Therefore there remains a long distance between the works being created by the artists and the value inside them being recognized and accepted by the society.
In this sense, it is the critic that bridged the gap between the artists and the public, conveyed the society the lasting value in the art works. Back to the speaker's assertion, it overestimates the importance of the critic. A real critic is not the one who writes comments, but the one who owns the ability to evaluate the art works. They are equipped not only with an expertise of the art but also with sensitivity towards art works and the insights towards art trends. So critics are the nearest to the value of the works besides the artist himself/herself. It is their ability, as well as responsibility   to arouse public attentions to the art work. Judgments from different critics also benefit the artists by means of bringing him other angles to thinks over the work.
In addition, since critics also hold a duty to protect art works, besides their functions mentioned above, we can have the chance to enjoy some historical art treasures today. For an illustration, during World War 2, Kyoto was escaped from the attack of atom bomb while other two cities in Japan were attacked. The reason is that some Chinese critics in architecture strongly demands preservation of the old buildings in Kyoto in the name of preserving the most precious human historical heritages. Critics are more aware of the unique value of every art work then common people. If it is necessary, they will devote their lives into preservations of art works. Without the efforts of critics, many valuable art works may be destroyed or lost as time goes by.
Therefore, my conclusion is that artist and critic are closely connected. Without any of them, the art couldn't live on; the value of the art couldn't last.


[ 本帖最后由 fainting_robin 于 2007-7-25 14:38 编辑 ]

fainting_robinUID: 2336582

发错了：）

[ 本帖最后由 fainting_robin 于 2007-7-25 22:15 编辑 ]