帮我看看这个作文。谢谢大家

djconanUID: 2257634

2006.7.29(earlier tech vs. recent tech)
Some people think that the earlier technology has changed our life more than the recent technology. Do you agree?

Our society has made great stride in all sorts of aspects due to the great technology. Some people believe that the technology in the earlier times plays a more significant role in our life, claiming that a large number of advancements today are the result of application of earlier technology. Others, however, hold a different opinion in this regard, pointing to the fact that every change of our present society is closely linked up with recent technology. From my point of view, I want to make a balance between the two.

We can not deny the important role that earlier technology acts in our daily life. First and foremost, its impact on the educational field could not be overlooked. Our knowledge of world around us, especially foreign countries, was vague and sketchy before television brought us the vivid images of documentaries. In addition, the contribution of the earlier technology in the business has already shaken the whole world. For instance, before electronic cash registers and calculators, one had to spend a lot of time on arithmetic to carry out daily transactions. Furthermore, our life becomes less become less complex than ever before owing to the introduction of earlier technology. Lighting a fire with paper, kindling the wood is a more complicated skill than flicking a switch to put on the artificial logs in the grate.

However, we should not downplay the role of modern technology plays in all aspects of people’s life. First of all, the technological product of the 20th century—Internet, has reshaped the way we study, the way we entertain, the way we work, or even the way we socialize, by putting a large part of human activities on line. Besides, it can be easily found the fact that what used to be a good ten-hour ride by car can now be easily covered in one hour and a half by air. Isn’t it a good example to demonstrate the significance of modern technology?

As a proud member of our society, after examining the two sides of this issue, I would like to say both the two play an indispensable role in our society and neither can be eliminated in the development of our life.

bueUID: 2133081

great technology换为great technology advancement
a more significant role换为key role
claiming that换为and claim that
hold换为holding
pointing to换为point to
the two换为the two views

就改了第一段 没有看内容 语法错误挺多的

后面几段也是 建议找本语法书看看 推荐《英语语法魔法师之语法俱乐部》 好像书名是这个 作者是台湾人 不过现在好像不容易找到了

djconanUID: 2257634

我觉得hold没错阿，是谓语！

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

Our society has made great stride in all sorts of aspects due to the great technology. Some people believe that the technology in the earlier times plays a more significant role in our life, claiming that a large number of advancements today are the result of application of earlier technology. Others, however, hold a different opinion in this regard, pointing to the fact that every change of our present society is closely linked up with（这句不错！） recent technology. From my point of view, I want to make a balance between the two.

We can not deny the important role that earlier technology acts in our daily life.（感觉有点不太顺，改为We can not deny that the earlier technology acts a more inportant role in our daily life。）First and foremost, its impact on the educational field could not be overlooked. Our knowledge of world around us, especially foreign countries, was vague and sketchy before television brought us the vivid images of documentaries. In addition, the contribution of the earlier technology in the business has already shaken the whole world. For instance, before electronic cash registers and calculators, one had to spend a lot of time on arithmetic to carry out daily transactions. Furthermore, our life becomes less become less complex（多了一个become less?） than ever before owing to the introduction of earlier technology. Lighting a fire with paper, kindling the wood is a more complicated skill than flicking a switch to put on the artificial logs in the grate.(Good example!)

However, we should not downplay the role of modern technology that(or what) plays in all aspects of people’s life. First of all(个人感觉可以去掉了), the technological product of the 20th century—Internet, has reshaped the way we study, the way we entertain, the way we work, or even the way we socialize（貌似有点啰唆了，改为the way of studing, entertaining, working and even socializing）, by putting a large part of human activities on line. Besides, it can be easily found the fact that what used to be a good ten-hour ride by car can now be easily covered in one hour and a half by air. Isn’t it a good example to demonstrate the significance（用advantage会不会更好一些？商榷~）of modern technology?

As a proud member of our society, after examining the two sides of this issue, I would like to say both the two play an indispensable role in our society and neither can be eliminated in the development of our life.（结尾比较简练明快）

总的来说，如果对某些复杂句把握的不是很肯定，不如使用简单句好些，否则读起来会很不顺的。
全篇文章举例比较恰当，前后呼应，很好的论证了自己的观点，写的不错！

djconanUID: 2257634

谢谢你啊，真好！thanks a lot!
其实我想写出写复杂句，这样才能得7分，如果都是简单句，我觉得有点难

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

原帖由 djconan 于 2007-8-18 19:43 发表
谢谢你啊，真好！thanks a lot!
其实我想写出写复杂句，这样才能得7分，如果都是简单句，我觉得有点难

呵呵，那就要多看范文啊，如果是可以肯定没错的话，当然多用点复杂句对提分有好处~