一篇大作文...请帮忙审审..

ray-dayUID: 2366509

来这里不长时间,觉得氛围蛮好

第1次发帖,吼吼;d:

一篇作文,欢迎大家多提宝贵意见,嘿嘿


Some people believe that students who want to attend colleges or universities after graduation from high school should spend one year taking a job to gain work experience or traveling to enlarge their vision. You should use specific reasons to state the advantage and disadvantages of this practice.


As the increasingly family education investment, it is not an uncommon tendency which people start to argue how to educate children with a better way. Some people state that before taking further education, students who graduated from high school should spend one year traveling or working to obtain practical experiences.

Obviously, there are some advantages to taking one year for work or travel. Students could gain a decent sum of payment as their college tuition through the one-year working. At the same time, they will get a sense of achievement by such a series of working activities. If they choose to outdoor journey, I think it is suppose to be a valuable opportunity of making friends and relaxing if they have a sensible scheme. It good for build-up students’ multi-facets knowledge because during the travel, what they have seen and heard could help them better understand the theoretical knowledge which had been taught in curriculums.

Compared with the advantages, there also have some barrier factors. Firstly, lacking of working skill or special professional background could make the job hunting much harder. Those students who graduated from high school might be realized that our society only provide a limited range of job offers for them. In addition, if they try to trip with a blurring target, then they might be failed to obtain neither any knowledge nor friends. The go-out will turn out to be nothing but a financial burden.

After weighing all the pros and cons, it is reasonable approach that the graduated students should make a clearable and sensible plan with their parents’ guide after determine to go to work or to go to college first. I insist that cherishing a further plan, both students who want to attend to the ivory tower to pursue higher education and those who aim at spending one year on an extra working and traveling will gain the priceless experience of their own.

px200UID: 2335104

:handshake 帮不了你审核了。帮你顶顶吧。

forbeckUID: 2297645

明天帮忙，可否~~~~~

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

蒙牛今天改了好多了，辛苦了，你就休息吧

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

Some people believe that students who want to attend colleges or universities after graduation from high school should spend one year taking a job to gain work experience or traveling to enlarge their vision. You should use specific reasons to state the advantage and disadvantages of this practice.


As the increasingly family education investment, it is not an uncommon tendency which people start to argue how to educate children with a better way. Some people state that before taking further education, students who graduated from high school should spend one year traveling or working to obtain practical experiences.

Obviously, there are some advantages to taking（to 后加动词原型吧？） one year for work or travel. Students could gain a decent sum of payment as their college tuition through the one-year working. At the same time, they will get a sense of achievement by such a series of working activities. If they choose to outdoor journey, I think it is suppose（supposed） to be a valuable opportunity of making friends and relaxing if they have a sensible scheme. It is good for build-up students’ multi-facets knowledge because during the travel, what they have seen and heard could help them better understand the theoretical knowledge which(what) had been taught in curriculums.

Compared with the advantages, there also have some barrier factors. Firstly, lacking of working skill or special professional background could make the job hunting much harder. Those students who graduated from high school might be realized（这里为什么要用被动语态呢？） that our society only provide a limited range of job offers for them. In addition, if they try to trip with a blurring target, then they might be failed to obtain neither any knowledge nor friends. The go-out will turn out to be nothing but a financial burden.（这句不错！）

After weighing all the pros and cons（好句子！）, it is reasonable approach that the graduated students should make a clearable（？）and sensible plan with their parents’ guide after determine to go to work or to go to college first. I insist that cherishing a further plan, both students who want to attend to the ivory tower to pursue higher education and those who aim at spending one year on an extra working and traveling will gain the priceless experience of their own.

1.整篇作文写的还不错，词汇和句式都比较丰富，论证也比较充分
2.需要注意的一些地方是，动词时态和语态，感觉你这篇的中式英语味道还是太浓了，有时间多看看范文，积累一些比较地道的表达。

forbeckUID: 2297645

谢谢了~~ 给你加分:handshake

forbeckUID: 2297645

As the increasingly family education investment, it is not an uncommon tendency which people start to argue how to educate children with a better way. Some people state that before taking further education, students who graduated from high school should spend one year traveling or working to obtain practical experiences.

Obviously, there are some advantages to taking one year for work or travel. Students could gain a decent sum of payment as their college tuition through the one-year working. At the same time, they will get a sense of achievement by such a series of working activities. If they choose to outdoor journey, I think it is supposed to be a valuable opportunity of making friends and relaxing if they have a sensible scheme. It is good for build-up students’ multi-facets knowledge because during the travel, what they have seen and heard could help them better understand the theoretical knowledge which had been taught in curriculums.

Compared with the advantages, there also have some barrier factors. Firstly, lacking of working skill or special professional background could make the job hunting much harder. Those students who graduated from high school might be realized(这里怎么用上了被动语态呢？) that our society only provides a limited range of job offers for them. In addition, if they try to trip with a blurring target, then they might be failed to（繁琐，直接fail就够了） obtain neither any knowledge nor friends. The go-out will turn out to be nothing but a financial burden.


After weighing all the pros and cons, it is reasonable approach that the graduated students should make a clearable and sensible plan with their parents’ guide after determine to go to work or to go to college first. I insist that cherishing a further plan, both students who want to attend to the ivory tower to pursue higher education and those who aim at spending one year on an extra working and traveling will gain the priceless experience of their own.


1、最好能开门见山的谢明自己的观点。一直到最后一段我才找到你的观点。
2、文章的中间的重点两大部分，逻辑都挺严密

ray-dayUID: 2366509

十分感谢forbeck (蒙牛) 和夜空的彼方 (Cosmos)~!!!

意见也提的实在是中肯,坛子里热心人和牛人真是多~~~

:handshake

futuremanUID: 2327059

来我这吧...我免费改的;d: