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再一次感谢H-Kevin斑竹，forbeck(牛儿MM)，夜空的彼方对优秀习作收集贴的大力支持 谢谢你们:loveliness: 同时希望有更多的板油能够参与我们的讨论与推荐，欢迎自荐。 这个时代优秀的弄潮儿应当具有敢为天下先的品质，因为你们是引领社会进步的开拓者和领导者 你想成为或者证明你是优秀的人吗？那么快来加入我们吧！
======================================= forbeck推荐网站
http://www.writefix.com/argument/
这是自今天早上google抽风又恢复正常后，我搜索到的第一个网站，根据网站主业的介绍，我们可以在这里找到一些tips on how to write short argument and opinion compositions. 希望对大家有用~~~~~:handshake
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夜空的彼方推荐的习作，原贴在这里
综合大家的意见，点评如下：
整篇文章思路和结构非常清晰，复杂句和简单句的搭配恰当，词汇量也比较丰富。
但是，文章的败笔是没有很好的审题，没有扣住”particular situation“,没有放在一个特定情景下来讨论电脑的好坏。 因此，大家在学习这篇文章的时候，要有所甄别，重点学习行文结构和谴词造句。
另外：根据H-Kevin斑竹的 意见，我把最后一段重写了一遍，使表达更加流畅和清晰。
What are the advantages and/or disadvantages brought to your particular situation by computers? Give reasons for your answer.
It is known that computers, one of the greatest inventions in the human being’s history, are widely used in every walks of life. It seems that most people simply witness the pros of computers. Is it really perfect without any cons? In this essay I will try to explore the present benefits and the potential downsides of this creative communication tool.
On one hand, we have to acknowledge that computers have produced a huge influence on people’s daily life, changing people’s lifestyle. It is accepted by most that we can enjoy much convenience and the rapid speed from computers, no matter what time it is and where we are, making people in all corners of the world receive the same kind of information in such a short time. The unique advantage of computers is much more preferable than other kinds of ways to connect.
Nonetheless, on the other hand, we should squarely face the demerits of computers. For instance, a rising number of the youth is easier to get the obesity than ever before, according to a recent survey. What’s more, many parents find out their children have less communication and activities with them, leading to the greater gap and misunderstandings. How many citizens have ever consider the root reason about this matter？If they ponder over it, it is easy to understand there is a close relation with the computers.On balance, everything has its two sides, inclusive of computers. In this sense, we should concentrate on diverse perspectives while listing advantages and disadvantages of computers. Correspondingly, no matter how computers contribute to our society, it is also our duty to eliminate or change the weakness in order to advance our social evolution more beneficially.
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forbeck推荐的文章，原文在本贴8楼，同时非常推荐forbeck的点评 ^__^
综合大家的意见，点评如下：
绝对的范文，全文思路清晰，文笔流畅，每段第一句都是中心句。这是一篇老外的习作，有很多地道的表达非常值得大家借鉴。 但是，文章篇幅太长，相对于鸭子的作文来说，有些段落属于多余的。
Save our Sports! （454 words)
Today, many sports are becoming increasingly替换用滥了的more and more regulated. Boxing, rugby, soccer, and other games are being targeted by sports bodies and medical organizations in an effort to improve safety standards and to reduce injuries. However, for some people, this is not enough, and they would rather see some dangerous sports banned completely. In this essay, I will examine some arguments against banning dangerous sports.开门见上的提出自己的观点
Sports, competition, and games seem to be natural to humans. Young children learn their own limits and strengths through play with others, but they also learn valuable social lessons about what acceptable behavior and the rights of others. Sport therefore is not just a physical phenomenon, but a mental and social one.一开始就先点出sport的多个优点，在一定程度上软化了反方的观点，并为自己支持的save our sports 的观点作铺垫
Challenging sport provides a healthy, largely safe, physical outlet for aggression.正是切入辩论阶段 There is very little evidence to show that people who take part in dangerous sports become violent as a result.一句话就表示了那些认为某些经济体育是危险的观点是杞人忧天 In fact it is more likely that apart from the many friendships created in playing, sport acts as a safety valve for a society by reducing stress. 并再次用这类运动的优点来反驳部分人的观点，至少贬低打击相反观点，做到讲文明讲礼貌嘛！嘻嘻！Moreover, sport teaches and requires discipline, training, and respect for the rules - valuable lessons in any society.
Almost all sports involve some risk. Young rugby players are paralysed every year in scrums. Scuba-diving accidents can lead to brain damage or death. Even golf or jogging can lead to pain or injury Without some elements of risk or challenge, sport becomes meaningless. A marathon runner trying to improve his time, basketball players fiercely battling an opposing team, or a sky-diving team defying gravity - all are trying to push themselves to their maximum. There is therefore no sport without danger..这写例子，让人觉得不是作者一人在那给我们强加观点，客观，因为这篇文章字数多，我们在写作时，倒不用花这么一大段文字来表现自己的公正
There is also the issue of freedom. Without a wide range of sports, many people would feel trapped or limited. People should be free to participate in activities with others as long as it does not affect the safety of non-participants.又从另一个方面来支持竞技体育必须存在的观点，无形中给反方观点一个打击
There also should be limits to the power of governments to ban sports. If one sport is banned because of alleged danger, then what sport would be next? Boxing is the most common target of opponents of dangerous sports. But if boxing is banned, would motor racing follow, then rugby, wrestling, or weightlifting? Furthermore, many sports would go underground, leading to increased injury and illegal gambling.用反问的形式以表示自己对反方的不满，这样的句子很能显功力，但却是一个炸弹，在考试中，用好了，能加分；但是用得不好，可能就会被认为语言太主观了
Nobody denies that regulation is needed. Medical bodies have introduced safety rules in boxing, in soccer, and these safety regulations have been welcomed by players. But the role of government should be reduced.考试时，这种段落没什么必要出现
In conclusion, our society would be healthier if more people took part in sports of all kinds. We should continue to try to prevent accidents and injuries. However, we should also ensure that sports are challenging, exciting, and, above all, fun.should用得多了，语言有点主观。但是，整个结尾段把自己的观点简单概括又重申了一遍 ----------------------点评 by forbeck
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ray-day的文章一篇，在13楼
综合大家的意见，点评如下：
这篇文章的亮点不仅来自长短句的结合使用和词汇的同义替换，更来自他对平衡观点的把握。
平衡观点在论述中最大的难点在于，你必须从不同角度论述事物的正反方面。如果仅从一个角度论证，会产生文章主体逻辑矛盾的错误，比如说，第二段说生孩子好因为人多力量大，第三段又说，其实生孩子不好，因为我们还要多种树呢，那么从整体上，你是赞成生还是不生？
ray-day的此篇文章在结构上很巧妙的避免了以上问题：
第二段，老建筑要保留，列举一些理由和细节。
第三段转折，对于没有历史价值的历史建筑，应当用新的建筑替换，列举理由。
希望大家仔细体会这里分层次论述的精妙。
另外： ray-day同学根据我修改铺的意见修改了他的文章，我在他修改的基础上又进一步进行了补充和调整，现收录为优秀习作。
Should a city try to preserve its old, historic buildings or destroy them and replace then with modern buildings? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
It is universally acknowledged that the moment one part of our modern life starts going smoothly, another area of it falls spectacularly to pieces. Obviously, as the rapidly developing modernization procedure, we are confronting with a predicament, which is whether the old, historic buildings should be destroyed or preserved. In my opinion, we ought to protect old buildings which are worth to and also establish new buildings which are fit to our life.
Admittedly, I insist that we should select valuable buildings from the old historic parts and preserve them. Those historic architectures, such as the mystic temple and the well-known litterateur’s former residents, are definitely worth to be carefully preserved. The spectacular buildings of human's masterpieces in the past, constructed since ancient time, are core components of our legacy. From Song age to Qing dynasty, all of them stand for our glorious civilization. If we destroy them, not only do we lost the historic spots but lose the national culture identity. On top of that, a city without its own spiritual identity, no matter how developed it is, it will go astray in the modern world.
On the contrary, modern architechures should be constructed to replace historic building without much value. Compared with the old ones, a series of advantages of new buildings supported my statement. Those remarkable functions the new architechures have, such as energy-saving, high security and noise-suppressing cater to all the citizens living in the modern communities. Moreover, modern architecture as a mirror also reflects the pace of our contemporary society evolution and the tendency of global development. In this sense, new buildings have total advatages over old ones.
From what has been analyzed, I suggest that the preciously historic buildings should be preserved and rest of them ought to be replaced by the modern ones. Using this accessible approach, we will reserve our culture sign whilst keeping pace with the tide of modern life.
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[ 本帖最后由 futureman 于 2007-9-2 10:05 编辑 ] |
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发表于 2007-8-27 11:00:10
发表于 2007-8-27 12:06:48
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