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Recently (^,) some expertspoint out that our born genes play a major role in personality and developmentrather than any other experiences. However, I don’t agree with this opinion,because one can be influenced deeply by the way of (family circumstances,school education and working experience->various factors such as the family inwhich he has been raised, school education he has received or working experiencehe has got).
(Clearly present your standpoint regarding to this issue.)
To beginwith, family circumstances can affect children’s development because familyeducation is always continuous and consistent during a long time. Before theschool age, children always stay with their parents or (^other) family members.They will learn their parents’ words and behavior naturally through hearing or (seeing->watching).For example, if parents enjoy playing with friends, it is likely that thechildren will have more opportunities to make friends with other children ( ^, due to the their imitation ability). Therefore, it is possible for the children to besociable (^with the equally sociable parents). In contrast, an (extroverted->introverted)child may (be reluctant to talk with others after their parents’ divorce->notdo well in this if they were born in the unsociable families).
(add the conclusion of this body)
In addition, we can not deny the importance of school education to young children.In schools, students will improve not only in academic (achievement->\) but also in mental and psychological aspects. Take Lisa, a friend of mine, as anexample. She used to be shy in primary school, because she was not good atexpressing herself. Once a Chinese teacher praised her for her composition andasked her to read (^it) aloud in class. She remembered (that students clapped and the teacher smiled->the clapping of her students and the smile worn onthe teacher’s face) after her performance. From then on, she was encouraged tocommunicate with others and never afraid of speaking out loud. (add the conclusion of this body)
Lastly, working experience (will->might) shape a person’s characteristics as well.It is inevitable that we are living in a competitive world. Sometimes we have to adapt ourselves to the society in order to get a bright future. Some peopletry to be initiative because they would like to have more chances; some peopletend to be aggressive because he or she wants to be successful in career; evensome others may become greedy after working on business.(^All of this could change the personality, to a large or small extent.) (add the conclusion ofthis body)
Above all, although our personality may be affected by genes since the day we born,human characteristics can be shaped by the experience in our life more deeply.
(And the ending part could be better if you would extend it a little, at least as well-rounded as your beginning part. Honestly speaking, I am also not good at the beginning part and the ending part)
(You could consider elaborating something to give apositive view of the gene-determined perspective to give the whole passage morebalance. After all, it’s no denying that someone was a born leader such asChair Mao. All three bodies you spend focus on the significance of the effectsof the environment, which might hint that you IGNORE the other side of thecoin.)
[ 本帖最后由 GriSSom.ZZX 于 2007-8-30 14:44 编辑 ] | 
发表于 2007-8-30 00:05:48
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