小作文。请指导。谢谢：）

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

剑4 的test 3的图，我好不容易自己花了个图，太大传不上来，不会弄了。。。

The char shows some date regarding the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion about different genders who held them in 1999.

We can see immediately that there are some differences between men and women in post-school qualification. The Skilled vocational diploma has the biggest gap for men and women,which proportions are 90% and 10% respectively. And the number of different gender of the Postgraduate diploma, which has the similar condition to the skilled vocational diploma, is most owned by men, and its proportion is 70%. And other is women(30%). Also ,more males chose the Master’s degree than women (60% and 40% respectively). On the contrary, the Undergraduate diploma and the Bachelor’s degree have unsimilar situation with the two formor ones, which are participated by more females. For the Undergraduate diploma, the proportion of women is 70%, which is 40% more than men’s. And the proportion of women who held the Bachelor’s degree is 55%,compared with 45% for men.

As a conclusion, the gender has smallest impact on the Bachelor’s degreeand biggest on the Skilled vocational diploma.



[ 本帖最后由 啦啦啦qlm 于 2007-9-14 20:00 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

编辑下，把图片缩小就行了～～～～～～:)

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

呼呼~这图是我自己画的~
大家帮看看作文把~

forbeckUID: 2297645

还以为是手画的~~~~~;d:

forbeckUID: 2297645

The char shows some date regarding the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion about different genders who held them in 1999.首段修改的不彻底哦

We can see immediately that there are /were因为这是99年数据some differences between men and women in post-school qualifications. The Skilled vocational diploma has/had the biggest gap for/between men and women,which proportions are/were 90% and 10% respectively. And the number of different genders of the Postgraduate diploma貌似这样的说法很中国化，我的意见是改成 the number of  Postgraduate diploma in  different gender , which has/had the similar condition to the/that of skilled vocational diploma, is/was most owned by men, and its proportion is/was 70%. And/这个没有连贯性了，建议用上compare之类的other is women(30%). Also ,more males chose the Master’s degree than women (60% and 40% respectively). On the contrary, the Undergraduate diploma and the Bachelor’s degree have/had unsimilar situation with the two formor ones, which are/were participated by more females. For the Undergraduate diploma, the proportion of women is/was 70%, which is/was 40% more than men’s. And the proportion of women who held the Bachelor’s degree is/was 55%,compared with 45% for men.

As a conclusion, the gender has smallest impact on the Bachelor’s degreeand biggest on the Skilled vocational diploma.没看懂这句话，其实这句没有必要再写了
描述图表，使用的词汇不够丰富哦，可以多看看范文，记下一些经典的，会有用的

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

OK~~~~~~:loveliness:

futuremanUID: 2327059

revising...

futuremanUID: 2327059

The char shows some date regarding the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion about different genders who held them in 1999.

We can see immediately that there [were] some differences between men and women in post-school qualification. The Skilled vocational diploma has[had] the biggest gap for[between] men and women,which [whose]proportions are[were] 90% and 10% respectively. And the number of different genders of the Postgraduate diplomat , which has the similar condition to the[that of] skilled vocational diploma, is most owned by men, and its proportion is 70%. Also ,more males chose the Master’s degree than women (60% and 40% respectively). On the contrary, the Undergraduate diploma and the Bachelor’s degree have unsimilar [没有unsimilar这个词吧] situation with the two formor ones, which are participated by more females. For the Undergraduate diploma, the proportion of women is 70%, which is 40% more than men’s. And the proportion of women who held the Bachelor’s degree is 55%,compared with 45% for men.

As a conclusion, the gender has smallest impact on the Bachelor’s degreeand biggest on the Skilled vocational diploma. [最后这句从统计学意义上完全错误，没有数据证明影响有明显差别]

要用过去式，后面的都要自己改过来。
语言比较反复。中间虽然用also , on the contrary，但是这些词并没有和你行文的逻辑有机的结合，换句话说，文章的思路很乱。
与其每个diploma挨个分析，不如抓住male和female进行比较，分析趋势，抓住顶点低谷等有价值的地方，比较每个性别的增长率等相对指标，不要面面俱到每个数据都说，不要只读出图里的内容。

啦啦啦qlmUID: 2283407

谢谢`呜呜~~~~~~~