希望各位高手指教本人的作文

zzx05l1UID: 2374019

Whether we are willing to confess it or not, we believe our eyes most when we perceive something. The image of a rose that represents love often gives us good impression, but we may be stabbed by the thorn under the beautiful flower. We, the creature of lust, are easily seduced by the exterior temptention. Though one cannot go into extremes by suspecting everything that comes to eyes, we should be aware of some superficial appearance to some extent. Two compelling examples can give a comprehensive analysis of the issue.  
One excellent example of a film character who deceived others in order to gain his own power is Palpatin in the film Star Wars. In the movie, he appeared to be a loyal Senator of planet Nab at first. After Nabu was invaded by the Trade Union under his secretly control, he was elected as the Chancellor of the Republic as a result of the sympathy that his planet won. Later he seized the power of emergency during the Clone Wars which was also manipulated by him. During ten years, he cheated the Queen , the Jedis and all the companions of him by disguising his true colors. Finally when all was done, he revealed his true identity, the lord of the dark side. Though only in a movie can such fantasy exist, in reality,the story can teach us that appearances may misguide us.
8 Y! [: V) e9 F/ O5 E& m% T  The lesson of being duped by superficiality of myself extends much further than a character in a fiction. A Chinese saying goes,”Never take a person by his face.” I realized the meaning of this adage after an experience with one of my classmates, Jack. When I met Jack for the first time in my class, I felt a sense of disgust by his dreadful look and offensive voice. I kept a distance away from him for I suppose he was not a good boy. However, my views changed totally after an incident happened. During a football race, I , the goalkeeper, collided with the forward of the rival and injured my neck. The matter was rather serious and I fainted. When I woke up in hospital, I found out Jack and my parents were with me. I later learned that Jack called the emergency and saved me from losing more blood. Not until then did I realize the wisdom of the Chinese saying.
    While the truth may be just the way it looks in some cases, some facts cannot be easily discovered by a simple view of the cover. In fact, we should possess both a pair of bright eyes and a sober mind. In conclusion, the way something seems to be is not always the same as it really is It can be the opposite.
请各位高手指点，希望能打一个分数（12分制），谢谢！
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[ 本帖最后由 zzx05l1 于 2007-9-15 15:14 编辑 ]

zdzhangUID: 2347780

改正明显错误后的内容：
   Whether we are willing to confess it or not, we believe our eyes most when we perceive something. Most parents and teachers have told the extremely tired cliché of paying attention to cars and traffic lights when we are on the street. It is said that, in order to choose a best case in a tough condition, the first feeling is the most accurate. Such advice is certainly true to some extent; awareness of what one sees is necessary in order to protect oneself. However, as with most ideas, this kind of advice cannot be taken in absolute form. In at least some respects, we may be deceived by what we visualize.
   One excellent example of a film character who deceived others in order to gain his own power is Palpatin in the film Star Wars. In the movie, he appeared to be a loyal Senator of planet Nab at first. After Nabu was invaded by the Trade Union under his secret control, he was elected as the Chancellor of the Republic as a result of the sympathy that his planet won. Later he seized the power of emergency during the Clone Wars which was also manipulated by him. During ten years, he cheated the Queen, the Jedis and all the companions of him by disguising his true colors. Finally when all was done, he revealed his true identity, the lord of the dark side. Though only in a movie can such fantasy exist, in reality, the story can teach us that appearances may misguide us.
   The lesson of being duped by superficiality of myself extends much further than a character in a fiction. A Chinese saying goes, “Never judge a person by his external appearances.” I realized the meaning of this adage after an experience with one of my classmates, Jack. When I met Jack for the first time in my class, I felt a sense of disgust by his dreadful look and offensive voice. I kept a distance away from him for I suppose he was not a good boy. However, my views changed totally after an incident happened. During a football race, I, the goalkeeper, collided with the forward of the rival and my neck was injured. The matter was rather serious and I fainted. When I woke up in hospital, I found Jack and my parents were with me. I later learned that Jack called the emergency and saved me from losing more blood. Not until then did I realize the wisdom of the Chinese saying.
   While the truth may be just the way it looks in some cases, some facts cannot be easily discovered by a simple view of the cover. In fact, we should possess both a pair of bright eyes and a sober mind. In conclusion, the way something seems to be is not always the same as it really is. It can be the opposite.

建议8分。第一段最糟糕，许多跑题的句子，如“Most parents and teachers have told the extremely tired cliché of paying attention to cars and traffic lights when we are on the street”或“It is said that, in order to choose a best case in a tough condition, the first feeling is the most accurate”。第一段简练些，各句能紧密与主题句相关就好了。

zzx05l1UID: 2374019

那些跑题的句子是材料里面的话

zzx05l1UID: 2374019

对不起了，第一段打错了

zzx05l1UID: 2374019

这回怎么样呢？

HeswingUID: 2218592

我觉得作文写的不错啊，不用太谦虚了．:handshake
' s8 ?# h2 `3 O; z如果说要改，我建议深写一些，可以适当的讨论一下只以眼睛看的不好的后果．例子中可以深刻一下．这不算跑题．
不知道ＳＡＴ的打分是什么概念的，我也是十月的考生．如果让我给要高于八分．:handshake

zdzhangUID: 2347780

这次建议10分。
) n8 X6 {; w; j* ?  A9 u( ]第一段的修改建议：
1. Change “gives us good impression” to “gives us a good impression”;
1 ?" t: H# c2 K  T. J( e2. Change “go into extremes” to “go to extremes”;
3 o) `+ g, S" J. _" a3. Delete the sentence “We, the creature of lust, are easily seduced by the exterior temptention.” (wherein the word “temptention” is misspelled); and
4. Change “Though one cannot go into extremes by suspecting everything that comes to eyes, we should be aware of some superficial appearance to some extent.” to “Though we cannot go to extremes by suspecting everything that comes to our eyes, we should be aware of some superficial appearance to some extent.”.

第4句即便按上述建议修改后，句子的逻辑似乎还是有问题。建议主句内容做根本性的修改。
( T3 P. U, L( Y; }0 D: Z另外，第2、3段的一些修改见上面改正明显错误后的内容。
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$ d/ s3 C# l( J: f/ J7 D" n9 O; Q6 `[ 本帖最后由 zdzhang 于 2007-9-15 23:16 编辑 ]

solv6868UID: 2244156

7-8分，分析不够深刻，语法错误不少，用词也不够准确

football在美国英语里是美式橄榄球的意思，毕竟改作文的都是美国人，在football game里面出现goalkeeper会惹笑话的。
2 |7 C& ^/ X' z& w0 z( \8 @3 i* D
" g2 T" d/ n( B0 W/ Krace一般指的是速度竞赛。球类比赛用的是game这个词。

& Z% P6 T# \* Z+ D原句 During a football race, I , the goalkeeper, collided with the forward of the rival and injured my neck.

; i# P2 N0 o8 j# n# m建议改为 In a soccer game, I ran into the forward in the opponent team and injured my neck while I was goalkeeping.
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[ 本帖最后由 solv6868 于 2007-9-16 00:39 编辑 ]

tolkien_SUID: 2130759

8.感觉例子支持论点不是很有力。