作文求拍：Should sports classes be sacrificed in High School?

onlyalpsUID: 208029

Should sports classes be sacrificed in High School so students can concentrate on Academic subjects?
完成时间：纸笔练习 30m


Facing an increasing pressure from college entrance exam or all sorts of competitions, high school students are tending to spend much more of their time in Academic subjects than doing sports exercises. Some even raised up ideas like removing the sports classes to let students concentrate on their studies. However, is it a smart way to do so? I put my doubt on this.

It is not difficult to see how popular and significant role sports are playing in either domestic or international communications between different people and countries. In some situation, sports program represent more than it seems is, e.g. Talking of Britain, people thinking of football, Therefore it is very important to teach and deliver such information to children while they are still in school. That is part of the responsibilities which sports classes carry.

Back to school, to study efficiently, students need to build up more powerful and healthier body by attending various kind of sports exercises, Nobody wants to see a student got high scores in his examinations though with a pale face and weak body. It is clear to see, alternating between studies and certain exercises, and always with a healthy body and a fresh mind can learn and remember things much more efficiently and easier compared with those who buried their heads into hills of textbooks all day long.

Last but not least, sports courses teach students things they may not be able to learn from any Academic subjects. By attending a sports game together, the pupils learn team work, develop friendships and know how to help each other. Which in any aspect will help them build up better personalities which is very important for their future life.

As a conclusion, those who think of sacrificing sports classes from high school just to save more time for studies better think it twice, because in a long term, it probably will not bring as much good influence as they expected.

[ 本帖最后由 onlyalps 于 2007-9-28 16:04 编辑 ]

forbeckUID: 2297645

好快呀~~~晚上回来改吧:handshake

futuremanUID: 2327059

发作文请在这里留下链接，有加分https://bbs.gter.net/thread-724783-1-1.html
同时热心板油会给你修改
如果需要菠萝修改请在这里留下链接https://bbs.gter.net/thread-729183-1-1.html
同时欢迎你组成互改小组帮助别人改作文（有加分啊），从而学习别人的长处，不要顾虑自己的水平不够，你的修改可以提供一个不同的方面给作者参考，而且更快的提高自己咯

futuremanUID: 2327059

以后看到好文章，帮我在那个优秀习作整理贴里留个链接哦，以后有空我过来整理:loveliness:

futuremanUID: 2327059

LZ不想让我修改么;P
(竟然)敢无视我铺子的存在:mad 嫌我水平不够么:mad  :mad

forbeckUID: 2297645

我忘了发模板了~~;d:

好~~把所有的连接都给你留着，回来一顶补上哦:loveliness:

onlyalpsUID: 208029

菠长老误会！
俺是觉得长老平时门庭若市，怕长老没时间看呀。
而且还没琢磨清楚长老门口到底怎么排队的，
俺这就把连接都接过去。。多谢指教啦。嘻嘻~~

onlyalpsUID: 208029

btw,再问大家有没有同感，我觉得自己在整理思路的时候有一个弱点，
一开始想好的思路，写的过程中就总要不断的推翻，或者刚写下一句话，
忽然又冒出另一种表达方式，这种作派在纸笔写作的时候非常不利，
所以我今天用纸笔练习的结果，是一张大花脸的作文。
不知道这个问题高手们可有什么建议？ bowing

forbeckUID: 2297645

我也经常会这样，我认为不断有新的思路冒出是好事，至少不会枯竭了~~我的方法是，如果有新的思路，那就先想一想，这个新的思路是否围绕着我的观点，能否支撑。。。。在写作文的时候，时刻提醒自己要围绕中心，不要偏题，要客观~~

不过，考试时，时间很紧，差不多就是脑中出现一个总纲，提笔就写了，没有太多的机会涂涂改改
但是平时练习的时候，这样修改应该是好事，只有不断的修改，才能有好文章嘛！

forbeckUID: 2297645

Facing an increasing pressure from college entrance exam or all sorts of competitions, high school students are tending to spend much more of their这个多此一举了吧 time in Academic subjects than doing sports exercises. Some even raised up ideas like removing the sports classes to let students concentrate on their studies. However, is it a smart way to do so? I put my doubt on this.

It is not difficult to see how popular and significant role sports are playing in either domestic or international communications between different people and countries. In some situation, sports program represent单复数 more than it seems is, e.g.作文里不能出现类似的简写或缩写 Talking of /forBritain, people thinking of football,/. Therefore it is very important to teach and deliver such information to children while they are still in school. That is part of the responsibilities which sports classes carry.

Back to school, to study efficiently, students need to build up more powerful and healthier body by attending various kind of sports exercises, Nobody wants to see a student got high scores in his examinations这个要有所限定，我可以认为是体育考试哦 though/but with a pale face and weak body. It is clear to see, alternating between studies and certain exercises, and 这个and可以省略always with a healthy body and/as well as a fresh mind can learn and remember things much more efficiently and easier compared with those who buried their heads into hills of textbooks all day long.

Last but not least, sports courses teach students things they may not be able to learn from any Academic subjects. By attending a sports game together, the pupils learn team work, develop friendships and know how to help each other. Which in any aspect will help them build up better personalities which is very important for their future life.

As a conclusion, those who think of sacrificing sports classes from high school just  to save more time for studies/我的意见是改成：saving time for study(study作名词解释为学习时是不可数) by sacrificing sports classes from high school had better think it twice用这种说法要注意，有点不礼貌， because in a long term, it probably will not bring as much good influence as they expected.
建议：
1、论述部分，结构和逻辑都很完整
2、有些长句，写得过长后造成了句子某些部分的缺失，既然你只写了30分钟，还剩下10分钟左右，长句写完，回头再认真检查就好了
3、Last but not least这种句式，用滥了，能有更自然的过渡句，就换一换把~~

futuremanUID: 2327059

原帖由 onlyalps 于 2007-9-28 19:41 发表
另外，我觉得自己在整理思路的时候有一个弱点，
一开始想好的思路，写的过程中就总要不断的推翻，或者刚写下一句话，
忽然又冒出另一种表达方式，这种作派在纸笔写作的时候非常不利，
所以我今天用纸笔练习的结果，是一张大花脸的作文。
不知道这个问题高手们可有什么建议？ bowing

思路和表达不是同一概念
破题思路一旦定下来，就要从一而终，开头怎么说结尾依然要怎么说。多练习几篇作文你会找到思维的套路，现在只是不熟练造成的。
关于表达，必须固化你的论述方式，不要试图变换多种表达(我的意思是在变换各种表达之后，选择一种最好的最习惯的表达方式固定下来)

[ 本帖最后由 futureman 于 2007-9-29 13:18 编辑 ]

futuremanUID: 2327059

Should sports classes be sacrificed in High School so students can concentrate on Academic subjects?
完成时间：纸笔练习 30m


Facing an increasing pressure from college entrance exam or all sorts of competitions, high school students are tending to spend much more of their time [much more time]in Academic subjects than doing sports exercises. Some even raised up ideas like removing the sports classes to let students concentrate on their studies. However, is it a smart way to do so? I put my doubt on this. [开头excellent]

It is not difficult to see how popular and significant role sports are playing in either domestic or international communications between different people and countries. In some situation, sports program represent more than it seems is, e.g. Talking of Britain, people thinking of football, Therefore it is very important to teach and deliver such information to children while they are still in school. That is part of the responsibilities which sports classes carry.[TS有些模糊，没有清晰的指明国际体育交流和体育课的关系，不过后来还好说回了class上]

Back to school, to study efficiently, students need to build up more powerful and healthier body by attending various kind of sports exercises, Nobody wants to see a student got high scores in his examinations though with [though?连词后面直接介词么？用without]a pale face and weak body. It is clear to see, alternating [shift]between studies and certain exercises, and always with a healthy body and a fresh mind can learn and remember things much more efficiently and easier compared with those who buried their heads into hills of textbooks all day long. [这个句子写的太长了..而且没有美感，compared with前面用逗号隔开吧]

Last but not least, sports courses teach students things they may not be able to learn from any Academic subjects. By attending a sports game together, the pupils learn team work, develop friendships and know how to help each other. Which [which指什么，开头用定语从句？]in any aspect will help them build up better personalities which is very important for their future life.

As a conclusion, [这句话从这里开始就显得头重脚轻，不符合英语的语言习惯]those who think of sacrificing sports classes from high school just to save more time for studies better [had better]think it twice, because in a long term, it probably will not bring as much good influence as they expected.

全文结构非常好！递进元素间的逻辑性不仅表现在信号词的表面运用上，而且更深层次来说，三个原因的排列使你对论点的支持非常compelling, 而且倒数第二段的作用使你对题目的回应做到了滴水不漏。excellent!
但是注意你不要一味写长句，一段有一个30字左右的句子就可以了，如果全是长句反而反映了你对语言的运用还没有到家，长短句结合就好了，短句更能体现你文章论证的力度。注意基本语言语法的运用。

精改！

[ 本帖最后由 futureman 于 2007-9-29 13:38 编辑 ]

onlyalpsUID: 208029

多谢两位的意见，非常好！！所以重新改了一下，嗬嗬。再接再厉！


Facing an increasing pressure from college entrance exam or all sorts of competitions, high school students are tending to spend much more time in Academic subjects than doing sports exercises. Some even raised up ideas like removing the sports classes to let students concentrate on their studies. However, is it a smart way to do so? I put my doubt on this.

It is not difficult to see how popular and significant role sports are playing in either domestic or international communications between different people and countries. In some situation, sports programs represent much more, For instance, mentioning of Britain, people thinking of football. More than sports itself, there are usually social or cultural conceptions ready to be delivered to the masses, Sports classes in school carry a lot of responsibilities in this, especially to children in their young ages.

Back to school. Theories suggested that shifting between studies(works) and certain exercises or breaks sometimes may double the efficient of the study(work). This has been proved by numerous facts. Therefore joining sports classes and having exercises are more than necessary in many cases, Nobody wants to see a student got high scores in his examinations whilst having a pale face and weak body. Compared with those who buried their heads into hills of textbooks all day long, pupils who can keep physical health with a fresh mind always learn and remember things much more efficiently and easily.

Last but not least, sports courses teach students things they may not be able to learn from any Academic subjects. By attending a sports game together, the pupils learn team work, can develop friendships and know how to help each other. All of these, in any aspect will help them build up better personalities which will be very important for their future life.

To sum up, there can be many ways to save time for Academic studies in high schools, However, if just thinking of obtain the time by cutting sports classes, it may only ends up with the contrast.

forbeckUID: 2297645

楼主坚持精改一篇作文，也能有很大收获的~~:)

ps俺不是前辈哈;d:

onlyalpsUID: 208029

[quote]原帖由 forbeck 于 2007-9-29 20:54 发表
楼主坚持精改一篇作文，也能有很大收获的~~:)


nodding,
同理，做错的听力和阅读在订正重听的过程中也收获的，嘻，