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miajiUID: 2355988

马上要考试了，没有上过任何培训，不知道自己的水平能拿多少分，希望各位gter指教！不胜感激



44)   In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of thisphenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay

People have dreamed of living long and healthy since they exited.Nowadays, this dream becomes true. The average length of human beings, as weall know, grows rapidly. Longevity is not a dream anymore. Why, you may wonder,could human beings live so long? Below I describe some of the reasons I havefound.

We become richer and we spend more money on our health caring. We seek forthe better health care everyday. Therefore, we are willing to spend a lot ofmoney in order to be healthier. We begin to care about environment we live in;we begin to require healthier diets; we begin to focus on our eating habitstoo. However, 30 or 50 years ago, we have no time and no money to take care anyof them. It is because we are richer that we can give some attention on ourhealth.

Another feature is that science and technology are developing every day.Medical care is better than ever before—we even wipe out the pox that we fear for nearly 100years. We also have more medicine and much technology to deal with HIV andcancer.  With the discovering and researchingof genes, I believe that scientists will finally defeat those enemies of humanrace. We can imagine if there are nothing can beat human beings down, then howlong an individual can survive.

What’s more, we also develop Medicaresystems by government and non-profit organizations by volunteers. Because ofthose system and organizations, health care can reach everyone no matter youare a millionaire or a refugee. Those are some crucial activities lengthen ouraverage age.  The idea of “the rich living longer and the poor living shorter” finally becomes a cliché.

To conclude, though human beings pollute the environment, they are stillgreat creature. Using their wisdom, they fulfill the dream of longevity. Withmore money spending in, science and technology getting breakthroughs, and amore complete medical care system spreading out, human will live longer andlonger.

豆豆～UID: 2378384

People have dreamed ofliving long and healthy(when you use XX and XX, you'd better make sure that those two things are parallel. Here, I would write like this: People have always dreamt of leading a life with logevity and health.) since they exited(what did you mean by "since they exited?" Did you mean "since they possessed cognition"?).Nowadays, this dream becomes(has become)true. The average length of human beings(The life span of humans), as we all know, grows rapidly.Longevity is not a dream anymore.(This is redundant.) Why, you("you" ==> "one") may wonder,could humanbeings live so long? Below I describe some of the reasons I have found.

LZ, I think that you are well capable of writing English using correct ways. However, there are some rules you have to follow while writing the opening.
1. Try to introduce the topic by presenting a brief description of the current situation. (This is well achieved in your opnening.)
2. If it's a disagree/agree or preference type, state your position immediately after you've presented the topic. If it's a topic like this essay, you may just go to step 3.
3. Summurize the reasons you are going to present after while by using keywords to indicate the main idea. DO NOT just say "I will present my view as follows" or something like that, because it's useless.

We become richer and wespend more money on our health caring.(This is clearly a cause-and-effect clause, so you may want to stress the one of the two, either the cause or the effect. You may go like this: Since we are becoming richer, spending more money on our health caring would be considered more important than ever.) We seek for the(delete "the") better healthcare everyday. Therefore, we are willing to spend a lot of money inorder to be healthier. We begin to care about environment we live in;webegin to require healthier diets; we begin to focus on our eatinghabitstoo. However, 30 or 50 years ago, we have no time and no money totake care anyof them. It is because we are richer that we can give someattention on ourhealth.

OK, here, "We seek for the better ... our eating habits too." You are just repeating the ideas written previously by merely changing some of the words, which is not very amiable because the raters want to see why you hold that opinion, so you may present a specific example to support your opinion of the way people spend more money on health caring.

Another feature("feature" is not correctly used here. When we are introducing a product, we use "feature." When we are saying causes of one phenomenon, we just use "cause", "reason", "explanation", etc.) is that science and technology are developing (rapidly) (use ADVERBS wisely) every day.Medical care is better than ever before—weeven wipe out the pox that we fear for nearly 100years.(we have even wiped out fatal diseases, such as chicken pox, that had been hard to tackle for nearly 100 years.) We also havemore medicine and much technology to deal with HIV and cancer("HIV" is a kind of virus, while "cancer" diseas. so you may use "AIDS" instead of "HIV".).  With thediscovering and researching of genes, I believe that scientists willfinally defeat those enemies of humanrace.(Youhave nothing to do with the discovering and researching of genes, so"I" should not be the subject of this clause. Instead, it should be"scientists." You may revise it to: With the discovering and researching of genes, scientists, I believe, would ultimately defeat those enemies of human race.) We can imagine if there are(is)nothing can beat human beings down, then how long an individual cansurvive.(the second half of this sentence doesn't make any sense to me)

What’smore, we also develop Medicaresystems by government and non-profitorganizations by volunteers.(What's more, medicare systems and not-for-profit organizations are being built by government and volunteers, respectively.) Because of those system(s) and organizations,health care can reach everyone no matter you are("everyone" does not equal "you", so it should be "he is") a millionaire or arefugee. Those are some crucial activities lengthen ouraverageage.  The idea of “the rich living longer and the poor living shorter” finally becomes a cliché(Just let me blah one more word. You can just type "cliche" instead of "cliché," because I don't think you are gonna be able to type "é" while you are taking the test(well, at least I don't how to do that.). Or you may just use another word "commonplace," "platitude," or "triteness.").

To conclude, though human beings pollute the environment(why you mentioned that point?), they are still great creature(-_-|||).Using their wisdom, they fulfill the dream of longevity. Withmore moneyspending in, science and technology getting breakthroughs, and amorecomplete medical care system spreading out, human will live longerandlonger.

The last paragraph is a little bit ill-organized. You may write like this: To sum up, though there are millions of reasons why people have become more capable of leading a long life, the three main causes, as I considered, are the more money being spent in the science field, technology getting breakthroughs, as well as a more comprehensive medical care system spreading out all over the world.

ALL IN ALL:

I think your ability of writing is relatively good, but there are still things need to be improved.
1. You need to write a very organized essay, at least for the first and last paragraph. Because a ill-organized essay won't get a score higher than 3. But I think you've done a good job on this part. You just need to re-order, add, and delete some of the sentences.

2. Whether you are writing an essay in TOEFL, or any other tests, you should use specific examples to support your idea. Going around the topic but never cutting tight into the core is forbidden.

3. Read OG, I bet there are gonna be a lot of things you'd find valuable.

An essay like this may earns a score of 3 out of 5

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR TOEFL iBT!!!

miajiUID: 2355988

豆豆讲的忒有道理，还有一个礼拜，诶，都不知道该怎么办了。。。

miajiUID: 2355988

不过我想按照豆豆的建议努力去改进一下拉。。。