Argument190 [奋斗0806G]第五次作业 首次写A 多指教！

bestcaicaiUID: 2355164

TOPIC: ARGUMENT190 - The following is a letter to the editor of the Glenville Gazette, a local newspaper.

"Over the past few years, the number of people who have purchased advance tickets for the Glenville Summer Concert series has declined, indicating lack of community support. Although the weather has been unpredictable in the past few years, this cannot be the reason for the decline in advance ticket purchases, because many people attended the concerts even in bad weather. Clearly, then, the reason for the decline is the choice of music, so the organizers of the concert should feature more modern music in the future and should be sure to include music composed by Richerts, whose recordings Glenville residents purchase more often than any other contemporary recordings. This strategy will undoubtedly increase advance ticket purchases and will increase attendance at the concerts."
WORD:532  DATE: 2007-10-19 16:14:22  TIME: more than two hours….（首次写A，稍微原谅一下…）

提纲：1.预售下滑不代表缺乏社会支持。
         2.预售确实下滑了，但是不一定是因为音乐的选择，可能确实是因为天气的原因。
         3.现代音乐不一定被人们喜欢，购买Richert的专辑的人不一定喜欢去音乐会。
         4.预售下滑还可能是因为音效，票价，环境，甚至可能是因为售票员的态度。

In the argument the speaker concludes that the advance tickets purchases for the Glenville Simmer Concert series has declined, which indicates lack of community support, because of the choice of music. In addition, the speaker claims that the organizers of the concert should add more modern music to the concert, especially the one composed by Richert. However, I find the argument unconvincing in several aspects.

To begin with, the speaker fails to convince that the decline of advance tickets purchases really indicates lack of community support. It may just because the people do not want to by tickets in advance or that they take into account the coincidence, they may have some other things to deal with at the very time of the concert, which may cause a waste of money. So the attendance of the concert series may remain the same in spite of the decline of the advance tickets purchases.

Secondly, the purchases of advance tickets do decline, but it may not result from the choice of music. The unpredictable weather could be the reason for the decline in advance ticket purchases. Common sense informs me that some people do not want to go outside because of the bad weather, no mention that attending a concert in a bad weather. Even if the decline is not the result of unpredictable weather, there is no evidence indicate the choice of music causes the decline. Someone may be keen on some old songs,  someone may  like to enjoy the music with others, someone may just like the atmosphere in the concert. Therefore, they may not pay attention to the songs at all.

Thirdly , why should the organizers of the concert feature more modern music especially the music composed by Richerts? There is no figure indicates people like modern music more than classic one. The people who purchase Richert's recordings may not want to enjoy his music with so many people they do not familiar with, they may just be fond of listening to the music in their own homes. So it is unreliable to assume that the residents would undoubtedly prefer modern music.

What’s more, the decline of the advance purchases does not really means fewer people will attend the concert. Even if the decline in advance purchases does result in the decline in the amount of people who attend the concert, there are many more reasons cause the decline. For instance, the quality of the concert, the environment of the performance, the price of the ticket, even if the manner of the ticket salers would have affect on the sales volume. Again, we need to pay attention to the truth that the advance ticket purchases do not equal to the final amount of people attending the concert.

To sum up, to evaluate the conclusion more convincing , the arguer should provide supporting figure stating that not only did the advance ticket purchases decline, but the ultimate attendance decline as well. Firther more, unless the arguer provide substantiate evidence concerning more people prefer modern music on the concert and most of the people would attend the concert as well even in a bad weather, the conclusion could not be properly drawn.

anweivvUID: 2289186

不好意思,昨天没时间,今天补上!

In the argument the speaker concludes that the advance tickets purchases for the Glenville Simmer Concert series has declined, which indicates lack of community support, because of the choice of music. In addition, the speaker claims that the organizers of the concert should add more modern music to the concert, especially the one(those) composed by Richert. However, I find the argument unconvincing in several aspects.

                                                                                                                                                                                                         

To begin with, the speaker fails to convince me that the decline of advance tickets purchases really indicates lack of community support. It may just because the people do not want to by(buy) tickets in advance or that they take into account the coincidence(coincidence另人费解), they may have some other things to deal with at the very time of the concert, which may cause a waste of money(if so, buying advance tickets would be a waste). So the attendance of the concert series may remain the same in spite of the decline of the advance tickets purchases.

(我猜你是想说大家不想买预售票以免到时没空，对吧？但语言需要好好组织一下，现在这样子很难看懂。另外，据我所知，国内外的演出演唱会都是预先销售，很少有要去之前再买票的情况，所以老外可能无法理解你的论证)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Secondly, the purchases of advance tickets do decline, but it may not result from the choice of music(这个让步写地有点怪，还是用even之类的引导好一点). The unpredictable weather could be the reason for the decline in advance ticket purchases. Common sense informs me that some people do not want to go outside because of the bad weather, no mention（not mention/let alone） that(去掉) attending a concert in a bad weather. Even if the decline is not the result of unpredictable weather, there is no evidence indicate(indicating) the choice of music causes the decline. Someone may be keen on some old songs,  someone may  like to enjoy the music with others, someone may just like the atmosphere in the concert. Therefore, they may not pay attention to the songs at all.(someone 是指某一个人，用在这里是不恰当的，audience group可能好一点，但还要注意，英文中这种简单句子的排列并不是一种什么排比，别人会觉得你句法单薄没水平，还不如一般的长句来的好)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Thirdly , why should the organizers of the concert feature more modern music especially the music composed by Richerts? There is no figure indicates（indicating注意：there be 句型后用进行时） people like modern music more than classic one（the classics）. The people who purchase Richert's recordings may not want to enjoy his music with so many people they do not familiar with, they may just be fond of listening to the music in their own homes. So it is unreliable to assume that the residents would undoubtedly prefer modern music.

                                                                                                                                                                                                            

What’s more, the decline of the advance purchases does not really means(mean that) fewer people will attend the concert. Even if the decline in advance purchases does result in the decline in the amount of people who attend the concert, there are many more reasons cause(causing) the decline. For instance, the quality of the concert, the environment of the performance, the price of the ticket, even if the manner of the ticket salers(sellers) would have affect(effect) on the sales volume. Again, we need to pay attention to the truth that the advance ticket purchases do not equal to the final amount of people attending the concert.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

To sum up, to evaluate(evaluate 是评价，evaluate…convincing?应该没这个搭配吧) the conclusion more convincing , the arguer should provide supporting figure stating that not only did the advance ticket purchases decline, but the ultimate attendance declined as well. Firther(Further) more, unless the arguer provide substantiate evidence concerning more people prefer modern music on the concert and most of the people would attend the concert as well even in a bad weather, the conclusion could not be properly drawn.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

我的意见：
1．  总体来说，句子和词汇的选择还是可以接受的，文章较能清楚的读懂，第一个论证点除外。语法错误对于第一次尝试来说也不算多，以后的改进是足以克服的。
2．  我将一个我认为比较严重的问题，就是论证的逻辑性，也是我认为你这篇A TEMP之所以不成功的最大原因。
其实这篇Argu，题目的逻辑性很强，大致说来是这样的：
事实：预售票数量减少----》》找原因--------》》找解决方案
a.因为以前很多人说下雨也会去，所以天气不是原因（质疑：下雨真的不是原因吗？会不会随时间推移人们有了更多娱乐方式，下雨天想在家上网？“很多人”是指多少人？证据确凿吗？）
b.因为下雨不是原因，那么音乐是原因（典型的either-or,其他原因？）
c.就算音乐是原因，那个R的就一定好吗？

其实你都考虑到了以上内容，也作了论证，但似乎只是凭感觉，并不很清晰的了解题目的论证思路。Argument就是要质疑题目的论证手段和方法，所以紧扣原文是使你的论证严密的最好方法。这才是ARGU的核心问题。希望你能体会。

上述都是我的一家之言，有失偏颇请见谅。
昨天出去玩了，没来及改，现在补上，不好意思
anweivv

anweivvUID: 2289186

附件中的是双色的，主要在回帖时无法显示，你可以下附件来看，贴出来方便其他同学参考