argument117

lestouUID: 2260126

Before any decision about increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines, the evidence given in the argument should be examined from several other aspects.

First of all, for a survey to be accurate, it must be controlled, with a balance between the survey and the control respondents. In the above survey, though, we know nothing about the number, district, occupations variety, and positions of the respondents. We also don't know if Valu-Mart stores customer were comes form the same district and of same occupations variety, and positions as those in conducted in the survey. Further, if the respondents are just taking up a small proportion of the Valu-Mart [V] overall customer market, their requirement can nearly neglected by V decision makers because they may reflect little about the genuine condition of V customers. The same is true to their occupation varieties and district. If, compared with the V customers, the respondents have a completely different occupation type or they are working in a totally distinct state or city, the survey may have little to do with the V customers' trends.

Secondly, even if we accept that the number of work-at-home customers of V does increased according to the survey reported. We can not safely draw the conclusion that their needs of home office machine is also increasing dramatically. What if they don't need any machine to working at home? or that  they already have enough apparatus to working at home, in such condition, the home office machine market is actually saturated, therefore, the measure that V .Inc adopted may have little effect.

Thirdly, even if this measure does meet the needs of customer and increasing its product retail rate,  it doesn't follow that the profit of the V will also increasing, let alone to make the most profit among all the component. When it comes to the profit of a company, a lots of factors should be taken into consideration, such as the material cost, salaries of employees, and so forth.


Finally, increasing the store of office supplies is also gratuitous. Sure, many workers does spent more and more time to work at home, but  there's no evidence to confirm that the requirement of the overall office supplies will also increasing. As the common sense tells us, the general working time of a person will not changed dramatically, no matte working at home or working at office , that is to say, if they spent lots of time working at home, they will spent less time working in the company.  


In conclusion, any legitimate survey must be possess a clear purpose and a controlled strictly. The survey above fails to do that.

兰子UID: 2404184

argument117

Before any decision about increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines(把at all VM 放在后面读起来更顺一些,个人意见), the evidence given in the argument should be examined from several other aspects. (开头没有重复那种老式的模板,值得表扬)

First of all, for a survey to be accurate, it must be controlled, with a balance between the survey and the control respondents. In the above survey, though,(为什么用though呢,尽管的意思?解释不通阿!) we know nothing about the number, district, occupations variety, and positions of the respondents. We also don't know if (whether)Valu-Mart stores customer were comes form(很明显的动词用错了) the same district and of same occupations variety, and positions as those in conducted in the survey. Further, if the respondents are just taking up a small proportion of the Valu-Mart [V] overall customer market, their requirement can nearly neglected by V decision makers because they may reflect little about the genuine condition of V customers. The same is true to their occupation varieties and district. If, compared with the V customers, the respondents have a completely different occupation type or they are working in a totally distinct state or city, the survey may have little to do with the V customers' trends.

Secondly, even if we accept that the number of work-at-home customers of V does increased (increase)according to the survey reported. We can not safely draw the conclusion that their needs of home office machine is also increasing dramatically. What if they don't need any machine to working at home? or that  they already have enough apparatus to working(work) at home, in such condition, the home office machine market is actually saturated, therefore, the measure that V .Inc adopted may have little effect.

Thirdly, even if this measure does meet the needs of customer and increasing its product retail rate,  it doesn't follow that the profit of the V will also increasing(increase组长怎么回事,为什么连续出现很明显的错误呢?), let alone to make the most profit among all the component.(逻辑不同,make the most profit 是行为,all the component 是个体,我觉得这样说是不对的,make the most profit compared with all the component) When it comes to the profit of a company, a lots of factors should be taken into consideration, such as the material cost, salaries of employees, and so forth.


Finally, increasing the store of office supplies is also gratuitous. Sure, many workers does spent more and more time to work at home(在说这句话的时候就已经和上文自己对于调查的怀疑相矛盾了,加上假设二字就好了), but  there's no evidence to confirm that the requirement of the overall office supplies will also increasing(increase). As the common sense tells us, the general working time of a person will not changed(change) dramatically, no matte working at home or working at office , that is to say, if they spent lots of time working at home, they will spent less time working in the company. (没有明白这一段的作用,在家工作时间多,意味着在办公室工作的时间少,和增加办公设备的储量这个提议不妥又关联吗?)


In conclusion, any legitimate survey must be possess a clear purpose and a controlled strictly(没有看懂什么意思be possessed? a controlled strictly?). The survey above fails to do that(结尾过于简单了,只是指出了survey的不准确性,没有提及经理的建议的不妥!)

开头有新意,接下来的三段每一段都是在假设上一个问题成立的基础上,对接下来的推断做出批驳,连接紧密,层层递进的结构可以看出作者思维的缜密,非常好!
但接下来的一段似乎言之无物,结尾也过于简洁,还有文中十分明显的动词的用法错误,使文章失色不少!

lestouUID: 2260126

有些动词说实在的,我也不知道为什么想这样用.就在脑海里出现了,可能因为背过的一些范文的影响吧.

lestouUID: 2260126

仔细读了下,语法问题确实不少. 又要思考了,这个摸版不好哦