Issue48

waterpansyUID: 2428068

TOPIC: ISSUE48 - "The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."
WORDS: 310          TIME: 00:45:00     
In the long river in history, there are too many heroes that people remembered by heart, deeply impressed by their farsight, intelligence, courage, and the power of love to their own homelands.

History always was compeled by several imperative events which significantly shaped and changed the current society, and each centain event consistently related with centain heroic figures. We would be immersed in the enormous courage of a sixteen years girl who named Joan of Arc by learning the backgroud of the Hundrend Years Wars, and we could admire the fearless sprits of Columbus who pushed the birth of American continet.

Nevertheless, when these heroic figures indicated above were considered as significant factors accelerated certain history events, other important factors we supposed to forget, that is, the huge power of people. It is difficult to claim that great achievements are only related with the people who make great contribution, not the groups of people, more difficult to say, it is out of imagination that Joan of Arc could fight with the whole England by herself-single, without the army of France support. Moreover, it also immposibble that Columbus completed the journey acrossing the Atlantic Ocean by himself--without the help of sailor staff.

In fact, the majority sigcificant events were made by groups of people: Great wall made Qin Shihuang be famous, but its building completed by millons of people with hard works and price of blood; Nefertiti, "the most beautiful woman in the world", was famous by the painted limestone bust, when her beauty moved the world, the world should pay its highest prize for the Egyptian excellent crafts.

We can not deny the contribution of great individuals who are pushing the world moving, but, groups of people will not impair this contribution, on the contrary, will enhance this credit by their efforts, sharing a common name, that is: Human.

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2007-12-15 16:45 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

In the long river in (of) history, there are (were) too many heroes that people remembered by heart, deeply impressed (主语不明) by their farsight, intelligence, courage, and the power of love to their own homelands(作为排比句而言句势太乱, 作为普通句又太长, 改In the long river of history, there were many heroes. We remeber them for the sake of their foresight, intelligence, courage, power and emotion to their homelands).

(首段最好点题并表明观点, 不是说你这么写不行, 但写这种空的话并没有什么意义)

History always was (was always) compeled by several imperative events which significantly shaped and changed the current society (修饰从句和主句杂糅, 建议去掉或者另起一句), and each centain event consistently related with centain heroic figures.(上一段的缺点暴露出来了, 跟这里写的没有任何联系, 第一段基本在浪费时间了. 最后一个分句可以改成: These events, inevitably, focused our sights onto certain heroic figures. That's the way we remember them. 借以照应第一段) We would be immersed in the enormous courage of a sixteen years girl who named Joan of Arc by learning the backgroud of the Hundrend Years Wars, and we could admire the fearless sprits of Columbus who pushed the birth of American continet (这些事情怎么决定历史和社会了? 解释).

(还是没找到中心论点, 后面就转折了, 这样文章的思路就没法做到清楚了: 你到底是什么立场?)


Nevertheless, when these heroic figures indicated above were considered as significant factors accelerated (这个在哪提到过? 只是说了related而已, 缺少context, 需要进行解释) certain history events, other important factors we supposed to forget, that is, the huge power of people. It is difficult to claim that great achievements are only related with the people who make great contribution, not the groups of people, (and it is) more difficult to say, it is out of imagination that Joan of Arc could fight with the whole England by herself-single, without the army of France support (support from French army/army of France supporting). Moreover, it also immposibble that Columbus completed the journey acrossing the Atlantic Ocean by himself--without the help of sailor staff.

(这段强调句势太多了, 都不知道你要强调哪句了..而这段首句在文章没有中心句的时候成了最重要的一句话, 却显得过于突兀, 如果这段是要说没有普通人不可能, 那么前面说的伟人被我们记住又是什么目的?)


In fact, the majority sigcificant events were made by groups of people: Great wall made Qin Shihuang be (make+sb/sth+adj./n./v.) famous, but its building (was) completed by millons of people with hard works and price of blood; Nefertiti, "the most beautiful woman in the world", was famous by the painted limestone bust, when her beauty moved the world, the world should pay its highest prize for the Egyptian excellent crafts. (这段和上一段一个意思, 没必要另列一段)

We can not deny the contribution of great individuals who are pushing the world moving, but, groups of people will not impair this contribution, on the contrary, will enhance this credit by their efforts, sharing a common name, that is: Human

总评: 文章显得短了, 不是单指篇幅, 而是论证过程, 一个事例接着一个事例, 却没有抽象的概述, 更缺乏深入的分析, 在这些事例之外就显得没有说服力, 就那么几句没有大家不可能来回说, 这个问题需要克服. 增加自己对社会问题的理解和分析可以让你的文章看起来更强力.

比较要命的是没有中心句, 你对这道题是什么态度? 没有中心句所有的论证就没有了目标, 看文章的人也不会自己去总结你想说的中心. Issue的一个要求就是要让你确定对于命题的态度(position)然后展开讨论.

另外语法错误比较多, 主要是句子成分不明, 动词形容词和时态搭配有些混乱, 建议再翻翻语法书

陈星君UID: 2416582

这么清晰的批阅-----令我很感动!
能感受到好多的启发......
每天应该来洗脑,呵呵
:handshake