[Aero小组]第2次作业(argument15) 大家猛拍我吧@%……￥&@……%

saavedroUID: 2423190

这是本人参加寄托上作文小组的第一次ARGUMENT习作，写的肯定不好，望各位同仁和高手给予意见，本人再次多谢各位同仁了！！！ 给你们磕头了~~~~~~~~


TOPIC: ARGUMENT15 - The following appeared in a newsletter offering advice to investors.
"Over 80 percent of the respondents to a recent survey indicated a desire to reduce their intake of foods containing fats and cholesterol, and today low-fat products abound in many food stores. Since many of the food products currently marketed by Old Dairy Industries are high in fat and cholesterol, the company's sales are likely to diminish greatly and their profits will no doubt decrease. We therefore advise Old Dairy stockholders to sell their shares and other investors not to purchase stock in this company."
WORDS: 549          TIME: 00:55:29          DATE: 2007-12-16 下午 09:33:55

中文思路： 题目中80%的调查问题，我攻击它没有提供调查样本的数据来源，从而质疑它的调查的准确性，因为没有数据来源所以代表性和可靠性都受到我的质疑。   作者肯定该食品公司因为高脂肪和高胆固醇含量的食品投放市场从而导致在市场中不能立足以致最后失败是因为消费者群体的不支持，这么说来难道食品公司就不会改正他们的营养物质配料的的配方从而生产出低脂肪低胆固醇的产品来迎合消费者群体的青昧。   另外该公司只是这些商品含有高脂肪高胆固醇不能保证其他来自他们公司的食品也是如此，或许这个公司依靠其他低脂肪类产品占据市场从而获利等等。
  

  In this argument, the author cites the evidence that Old Dairy Industries manufacture many of foodstuff with high fat and cholesterol, based on which he assumes that sales of Old Dairy are prone to decrease sharply leading to influence their profits. Another piece of evidence presented to substantiate the argument is that a recent survey hold indicated most of consumers tend to buy the foods which are containing lower fats and cholesterol. Hence the author draws the conclusion that other investor not to purchase stock with Old Dairy and the stockholders of company should sell their shares immediately. This argument is vulnerable in several aspects.
  
  First, without source and information about those respondents, the author provides no evidence that the survey's respondents are representative of the overall group of people that whose tendency are low-fat or lower cholesterol foodstuff. Lacking such evidence, it is entirely possible that most of people find the low-fat food products disgustful, or even taste the lower cholesterol foods terribly, because the flavor so badly. Or perhaps, people are favorite with the good taste in healthy food, but not the low-fat foods. In short, without better evidence that the survey's result are reliable in fact, the author cannot rely on it to draw any conclusion about people are likely support the low-fat products increasingly.
  
  Second, the many of the high-fat and cholesterol food products marketed by Old Dairy Industries does not necessarily indicate that Old Dairy's sales will prone to diminish sharply and the profits will decrease no doubly. For that matter, perhaps the company revises their nutrition configuration plan immediately or perhaps other more maturely appropriate ingredients will infuse within the new products by Old Dairy manufactured. Without ruling out other possible reasons for new plan will adopted by Old Dairy and success in the future, the author cannot convinced me on the basis of them that Old Dairy Industries' sales must be diminish sharply due to their many of high in fat and cholesterol food products selling in the markets now.
  
  Thirdly, assuming that profits in Old Dairy will decrease greatly was in fact due to many of the high-fat and high-cholesterol food products manufacturing by this company. The author overlooks the possibility that this type of products selling had nothing to do with the company's profits changes. Perhaps most of profits by the company earned come from other foodstuff, which containing lower fat and cholesterol with the counterbalancing nutrition. Those products are more likely taking more popular among people in local district. Either scenario, if true, would serve to undermine the author's claim that Old Dairy sales diminish sharply and the profits will decrease absolutely ascribe to some of high-fat and cholesterol food products produced by this company.
  
  To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the explanation within the argument does not lend concrete support to what the author maintains. To strengthen the argument, the author would have to provide more evidence concerning this more specific survey's result, which should contain a large enough sample, and illustrate how performance of the Old Dairy Industries after this survey hold in interim period, such as three months or half a year. Additionally, the author must provide evidence to rule out all the above-mentioned possibilities that might weaken the argument.

[ 本帖最后由 saavedro 于 2007-12-16 21:56 编辑 ]

saavedroUID: 2423190

这都是以前写的

TOPIC: ARGUMENT1 - The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.
"Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age."

   In this argument, the Nature's Way's vice president concludes that a chain of selling health food and other health-related stores recommends opening in Plainsville. To support the conclusion, the vice president point out that their stores in others areas has been showned profitable commercial account that local residents more concerned healty lives. In addition, the vice president reasons that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are strongly-sells in Plansville.  Moreover,Schoolchildren in Plansville will be required  participate in a fitness sports program. This argument suffers from several critical fallacies.
   In the first place, Past experiences do not necessarily illustrate their store opening in Plainsville where its commercial income will be more effectively. The recommendation rests on two assumption: (1) Past Interest in other city will be lasting in Plainsville.(2) Plainsville's residents will favorites products of their store. Without other cogent evidence that the vice president can not convince me that their plan which builds a new store will make more profit in Plainsville.
   In the second place, the argument unfairly assumes that there are many residents who love sports in Plansville that the acclaim bases on the local merchants explaining running shoes and exercise clothing sales are at all-time highs. Perhaps, that the local residents were influenced by modern customers or current popular activity. Another possible is that some stores are taking undercut against others. Until the vice president can gives me adequate effective evidence that convince me this assumption will be occur, or I cannot believe that is a true.
   Last but not least, another flaw that weakens in this argument is that Plansvile's schoolchildren will subscribes their deserved foodstuff and exercise clothing in new store where opened by vice president recommendation.  Yet the memorandum contains no evidence to bolster this assumption. Maybe some schools have their cooperatively company or business stores. The vice president must show that such as correlative evidence that render the school willing to cooperate with their business store, or the assumption from vice president gives unconvinced me at same way.
   In sum, the recommendation relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster the recommendation, the vice president should provide particular relatively evidence or some effective account: (1) Previous experience of their new store will be effective and utility in Plainsville. (2) Provide local commercial of business situation and must format current Stratagem Project Schedule. (3) To better assess the recommendation, I would need to know whether local students feels favorable with sports product and healthy-foodstuff from the new store provided.

[ 本帖最后由 saavedro 于 2007-12-16 22:11 编辑 ]

saavedroUID: 2423190

这都是以前写的

TOPIC: ARGUMENT2 - The following appeared in a letter sent by a committee of homeowners from the Deerhaven Acres to all homeowners in Deerhaven Acres.
"Seven years ago, homeowners in nearby Brookville community adopted a set of restrictions on how the community's yards should be landscaped and what colors the exteriors of homes should be painted. Since then, average property values have tripled in Brookville. In order to raise property values in Deerhaven Acres, we should adopt our own set of restrictions on landscaping and housepainting."

  In this analysis, the arguer claims that the a Deerhaven Acres's committee of homeowners should adopt their set of restrictions on landscaping and the housepainting by following with the Brookville's. To substantiate the conclusion, the arguer cites the evidence of since the brookville adopted the series of restriction law with the community's yards were landscaped and painted the colors, it was average property values have tripled in Brookville.
A major assumption underlying this argument is that the survey's result from Brookville has extracted from seven years ago. This line of reasoning is flawed in several aspects.
  The arguer cites the testimony of the Brookville's which were effective in the past would also be effective in the future rests on unfairly assuption that during the past seven years all condition upon which their effectiveness depend have remained unchanged. Perhaps,  as viriational as the circumstance, which the fact in the past would be change, such as the value of estates at local firms, or local residents might beget whimsical thinking with the painting of exteriors houses, etc. The survey's result cannot illustrates the fact that their project will keep utility in the future. Until the arguer substantiates this assumption I remain unconvinced that if property values raising in Deerhaven Acres, they must adopt these set of restriction law.
  The mere fact that Brookville's community homeowners adopted the series of restriction with the yards landscaping and exteriors houses painting has same severd to adopted in the Deerhaven Acres is scant evidence that  Deerhaven Acres will applys with this style of restriction. Perhaps the same course of action would be ineffective on Deerhaven Acres due to geological differences between the two citys. Or perhaps, there are difference of the city's building style, architecture in the Brookville can be used this restriction of painting and landscaping, but in the Deerhaven, the situation would be opposite. In short, lacking evidence that condition on the two cities are relevantly similar, the arguer cannot convince me on the basis of Brookville's
experience that the intention course of action would be effective in the Deerhaven Acres.  
  The projection of landscaping and painting is not nessesarily indicate the average property values raisen in Brookville. It is entirely possible that other factors also leading to the fact, as popular as the travelling in nowadays merchants would invest magnificent funds for estate firms for making a big profitable feedbacking. Since the argument fails to account for this alternative explanation for the average property values have tripled in Brookville, the argument's arguer cannot make any sound recommodations to law firms based on that the landscaping and painting house.
  As it stands, the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the arguer would have to demonstrate that what about reasons that  Brookville's average property values have raised and how about the situation with the property values in Brrokville through upon the restriction law firm. Additionally, the arguer must provide evidence to rule out all the above-mentioned possibilities that might weaken the argument.

[ 本帖最后由 saavedro 于 2007-12-16 22:12 编辑 ]

saavedroUID: 2423190

这都是以前写的

TOPIC: ARGUMENT3 - The following appeared in a newspaper article about law firms in the city of Megalopolis.
"In Megalopolis, the number of law school graduates who went to work for large, corporate firms declined by 15 percent over the last three years, whereas an increasing number of graduates took jobs at small, general practice firms. Even though large firms usually offer much higher salaries, law school graduates are choosing to work for the smaller firms most likely because they experience greater job satisfaction at smaller firms. In a survey of first-year students at a leading law school, most agreed with the statement that earning a high salary was less important to them than job satisfaction. This finding suggests that the large, corporate firms of Megalopolis will need to offer graduates more benefits and incentives and reduce the number of hours they must work."

   The conclusion in this argument is that large and corporate firms locate in Megalopolis need to offer more benefits and incentives and cut the work-times of graduates for their work. In support of this prediction, the author claims based on the past three years when law school graduates took jobs at large corporation less than who took jobs at small, general practice firms. Moreover, the author assumes that law school graduates more likely choosing works for the small firms through large firms can afford higher salaries. They called that they prefer satisfaction of job experience to counterpart salaries by company offered. In additional, the survey narrated that first-year students more concern about job satisfaction from the leading law school. The argument is fraught with vague, oversimplified and unwarranted assumption.
   Firstly, the editorial ignores several other factors that might undermine the argument. the editor assumes that the graduates taking jobs at large and corporate firms declined was a fact due to explaining those graduates need more job satisfaction, but the editor overlooks the possibility that some large and corporate firms improved their level of new employees, such as   the company only allows senior graduated bachelors or doctors, so normal graduates should not be accepted. Since the argument fails to account for this alternative explanation for the graduates took job declined and the editor unfairly assumes that 15% declined was a fact.
   Secondly, the editor provides no evidence that the study's results are statistically reliable. Even though the editor cites the statistic account from that a leading law school which their first-year students, the study's sample must be sufficient in size and representative of the overall population of take up an occupation in Megalopolis. Otherwise, the editor cannot confidently draw any general conclusion about this fact was a true.
   Finally, the editor depends on the assumption that graduates will tend to more excellent benefits and incentives from large and corporate firms. It is entirely possible that the numbers of new graduates prefer practice technology or learning relativity knowledge to so-called of benefits and incentives or reduce work-times per day they proclaimed. However, the editor provides no cogent evidence that this is the case.
   In conclusion, the editor's recommendation is not persuasive. To bolster the recommendation, the editor must provide particular explication: (1) Comprehensive statistics with law school graduates for theirs obtaining jobs. (2)  Support all grades of school students whose will taking work tendency. (3)  In order to illustrate the fact, I need to know how the job offered corporation would to check the information of graduates and the graduates how participate this activity, law school how provides graduates to the kindred company.

[ 本帖最后由 saavedro 于 2007-12-16 22:12 编辑 ]

lingfozUID: 2435613

In this argument, the author cites the evidence that Old Dairy Industries manufacture many of foodstuff (many foodstuffs) with high fat (fats)and cholesterol, based on which he assumes that sales of Old Dairy are prone to decrease sharply leading to influence their profits.(这句概括的不错) Another piece of evidence presented to substantiate the argument is that a recent survey hold(这个词多了吧?) indicated most of consumers tend to buy the foods which are containing lower fats and cholesterol.(我觉得这句放在前说更有逻辑性一些,首先说明人们偏爱低脂食品,再说明该公司生产高脂食品从而得出作者假设.) Hence the author draws the conclusion that other investor (should) not to(删掉～) purchase stock with Old Dairy and the stockholders of company should sell their shares immediately. This argument is vulnerable in several aspects.
  
  First, without (the) source and information about those respondents, the author provides no evidence that the survey's respondents are representative of the overall group (groups) of people that whose(这句话有点问题) tendency are low-fat or lower cholesterol foodstuff. Lacking such evidence, it is entirely possible that most of people find the (删掉～)low-fat food products disgustful, or even (这里貌似不需要)taste the (删掉～)lower cholesterol foods terribly(terrible),because the flavor so badly (bad). Or perhaps, people are favorite with the good taste in healthy food, but not the (删掉～)low-fat foods.(这句说的略显单薄,加几个不是低脂但是健康并且人们喜欢的食品的种类会更好) In short, without better evidence that the survey's result are reliable in fact, the author cannot rely on it to draw any conclusion about (that)people are likely support the (删掉)low-fat products increasingly. (第一个攻击点,该项调查结果不可信，讲的挺清楚，但是第一句话表达的不很理想，结尾这句写的不错.)
  
  Second, the (删掉哈～貌似定冠词用的有点多,呵)many of the high-fat and cholesterol food products marketed by Old Dairy Industries does  (do) not necessarily indicate that Old Dairy's sales will (be) prone to diminish sharply and the profits will decrease no doubly (undoubtedly) . For that matter, perhaps the company revises (这里貌似用过去式更好)their nutrition configuration plan (是这么说滴么?貌似有些奇怪) immediately or perhaps other more maturely appropriate ingredients will infuse within the new products by Old Dairy manufactured (manfactured by Old Dairy). Without ruling out other (any) possible reasons for new plan will (be) adopted by Old Dairy and success in the future, the author cannot convinced (convince) me on the basis of them (这里不能用代词吧，换个the argument?)that Old Dairy Industries' sales must be diminish sharply due to their many of high in (这个表达不对吧，可以改成many of high fat and cholesterol food products of this company)fat and cholesterol food products selling in the markets now.(第二个攻击点，作者并没说明该公司的发展计划，讲的很清楚，但是第一句中心句写的不够明确．)
  
  Thirdly, assuming that profits in Old Dairy will decrease greatly was (and is) in fact due to many of the (删掉)high-fat and high-cholesterol food products manufacturing (manufactured)by this company. (,)(我想你这里假设的是：一该公司的利润会下降，二该公司利润下降的原因是它制造高脂食品，但是这个句子结构有问题．我把was那里改了一下，你觉得呢,并且光提出这个假设不能算是完整的论述，所以这里应该是和下面那句连在一起的吧)The author overlooks the possibility that this type of products selling (products' sales) had (have) nothing to do with the company's profits changes. Perhaps most of profits by the company earned(earned by the company)come from other foodstuff, which (is) containing lower fat and cholesterol with the counterbalancing nutrition. Those products are more (删掉)likely taking (删掉)more popular among people in local district. (这句的表达不对头，我试着改了下) Either scenario, if true, would serve to undermine the author's claim that Old Dairy's sales diminish sharply and the profits will decrease absolutely ascribe to some of high-fat and cholesterol food products produced by this company(这个分句句式结构有问题吧，分句主语是个完整句子了).(第三个攻击点，利润的获取方式可以多样化，讲的比较清楚，但第一句还是有问题．)
  
  To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the explanation within the argument does not lend concrete support to what the author maintains. To strengthen the argument, the author would have to provide more evidence concerning this more (删掉~)specific survey's result, which should contain a large enough sample, and illustrate how (what) performance of the Old Dairy Industries after this survey hold (was been hold) in interim period, such as three months or half a year. Additionally, the author must provide evidence to rule out all the above-mentioned possibilities that might weaken the argument.


我是刚刚接触ARGUMENT写作的新手，可能有点问题说的不对，希望你指出我们再讨论。
非常期待你的回拍呀．

sheldenUID: 2338299

TOPIC: ARGUMENT15 - The following appeared in a newsletter offering advice to investors.
"Over 80 percent of the respondents to a recent survey indicated a desire to reduce their intake of foods containing fats and cholesterol, and today low-fat products abound in many food stores. Since many of the food products currently marketed by Old Dairy Industries are high in fat and cholesterol, the company's sales are likely to diminish greatly and their profits will no doubt decrease. We therefore advise Old Dairy stockholders to sell their shares and other investors not to purchase stock in this company."
WORDS: 549       不错   TIME: 00:55:29 恩加油第一次不错了          DATE: 2007-12-16 下午 09:33:55

中文思路：题目中80%的调查问题，我攻击它没有提供调查样本的数据来源，从而质疑它的调查的准确性，因为没有数据来源所以代表性和可靠性都受到我的质疑。   作者肯定该食品公司因为高脂肪和高胆固醇含量的食品投放市场从而导致在市场中不能立足以致最后失败是因为消费者群体的不支持，这么说来难道食品公司就不会改正他们的营养物质配料的的配方从而生产出低脂肪低胆固醇的产品来迎合消费者群体的青昧。   另外该公司只是这些商品含有高脂肪高胆固醇不能保证其他来自他们公司的食品也是如此，或许这个公司依靠其他低脂肪类产品占据市场从而获利等等。
  

  In this argument, the author cites the evidence that Old Dairy Industries manufacture many of foodstuff with high fat and cholesterol, based on which he assumes that sales of Old Dairy are prone to decrease sharply leading to influence their profits. Another piece of evidence presented to substantiate the argument is that a recent survey hold indicated most of consumers tend to buy the foods which are containing lower fats and cholesterol. Hence the author draws the conclusion that other investors not to purchase stock with (of) Old Dairy and the stockholders of company should sell their shares immediately. This argument is vulnerable in several aspects.
  
  First, without source and information about those respondents, the author provides no evidence that the survey's respondents are representative of the overall group of people that whose tendency are low-fat or lower cholesterol foodstuff. Lacking such evidence, it is entirely possible that most of people find the low-fat food products disgustful, or even taste the lower cholesterol foods terribly, because the flavor so badly. Or perhaps, people are favorite with the good taste in healthy food, but not the low-fat foods. In short, without better evidence that the survey's result are reliable in fact, the author cannot rely on it to draw any conclusion about people are likely support the low-fat products increasingly.
  
  Second, the删 many of the high-fat and cholesterol food products marketed by Old Dairy Industries does not necessarily indicate that Old Dairy's sales will prone to diminish sharply and the profits will decrease no doubly with no doubt. For that matter, perhaps the company revises their nutrition configuration plan immediately or perhaps other more maturely appropriate ingredients will infuse within the new products by Old Dairy manufactured. Without ruling out other possible reasons for new plan will adopted by Old Dairy and success in the future, the author cannot convinced me on the basis of them that Old Dairy Industries' sales must be diminish sharply due to their many of high in fat and cholesterol food products selling in the markets now.
  
  Thirdly, assuming that profits in Old Dairy will decrease greatly was in fact due to many of the high-fat and high-cholesterol food products manufacturing by this company. The author overlooks the possibility that this type of products selling had nothing to do with the company's profits changes. Perhaps most of profits by the company earned come from other foodstuff, which containing lower fat and cholesterol with the counterbalancing nutrition. (可是原文中说了  绝大多数产品都是HIGH FAT) Those products are more likely taking more popular among people in local district. Either scenario, if true, would serve to undermine the author's claim that Old Dairy sales diminish sharply and the profits will decrease absolutely ascribe to some of high-fat and cholesterol food products produced by this company.
  
  To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the explanation within the argument does not lend concrete support to what the author maintains. To strengthen the argument, the author would have to provide more evidence concerning this more specific survey's result, which should contain a large enough sample, and illustrate how performance of the Old Dairy Industries after this survey hold in interim period, such as three months or half a year. Additionally, the author must provide evidence to rule out all the above-mentioned possibilities that might weaken the argument.

如前人说的  定冠词的确有点问题
小错也比较多

但总的说  第一次写成这样很不错了
总体框架清晰 思路也很清楚

加油加油