argument234 [Aero作文组第三次作业] by beetle1986

beetle1986UID: 2431214

Argument234 by beetle1986

In this story, by making a comparison of a small town of Leeville, a region of better health and greater longevity, with a large city of Mason City, an area of more proportion of physicians but more sick leave days and lower average age, the arguer concludes that to seek longer and healthier lives, people should move to small communities. However, this conclusion is based on two assumptions that have not been proved.

The first assumption is that residents of a small town are healthier than that of a big city. The evidence that the arguer supplied is not convictive. The arguer did not apply what kinds of works in Leeville and that in Mason, if this information is missing, the contrast between workers of two places would be nonsense. Additionally, less proportion of physicians does not mean that residents of Leeville are so healthy that need not so many doctors, it is probably that most medicine resources concentrated in the big cities, and it is reasonable to imagine that the residents in small towns have to seek doctors in remote areas.

The second assumption is that residents of small town could live longer than that of big city. The arguer could not mention the components of residents of Leeville, maybe most striping work hard in Mason earning a live, and most senior citizens choose a relaxed manner of living in a small non-industrial town, that of course the town can has a higher average age. In such situation, the average age of the town is determined by the movement of senior citizens, not by the town itself, so unless the arguer offer more evidence to testify that some special conditions of Leeville, such as fresh air, beautiful scenery, that can make its residents live longer, I will doubt that the assumption cannot support the conclusion of the arguer.

Finally, it has many factors, such as condition of medicine, education, price of home, live level, etc. that could influence where would you live in. In most situations, we cannot satisfy all of these conditions. So, if one want to live longer and healthier, and success in business too, he should have a good consider about something he has to give up.

To sum up, the arguer intends to imply that living in small towns promotes better health and greater longevity than does the hectic pace of life in big cities. But he fails to supply the critical evidences to justify his opinion. To make the recommendation more convictive, he should find out more direct evidences.

lovemxfUID: 2335206

In this story, by making a comparison of a small town of Leeville, a region of better health and greater longevity, with a large city of Mason City, an area of more proportion of physicians but more sick leave days(我字典理没有查到病假天数是sick leave days的说法,但是有number of days sick leave) and lower average age, the arguer concludes that to seek longer and healthier lives, (最好去掉逗号)people should move to small communities(这个单词只有在英汉词典上是乡镇的意思但是在韦氏没有乡镇的意思最好用town应该没问题 另外compare with 是有这个短语的但是没有comparison of sth with  我查到的是comparison between sth and sth 不过这句话用的还是不错的 赞一个). However, this conclusion is based on two assumptions that have not been proved.
The first assumption is that residents of a small town are healthier than that of a big city. The evidence that the arguer supplied is not convictive. The arguer did not apply what kinds of works in Leeville and that in Mason, if this information is missing, the contrast between workers of two places would be nonsense. Additionally, less proportion of physicians does not mean that residents of Leeville are so healthy that need not so many doctors,(这里没有连词,或者就另起一句话) it is probably that most medicine resources(这个词的翻译是中药资源,正确的是Medical resources ) concentrated(应该用现在时concentrate) in the big cities, and it is reasonable to imagine(我认为不能用想象这个词,这样就显得不是很有力了最好换一个) that the residents in small towns have to seek doctors in remote areas.
The second assumption is that residents of small town could live longer than that of big city. The arguer could not mention the components of residents of Leeville  (正确说法是the composition of residents of Leeville ), maybe most striping work hard in Mason earning a live, and most senior citizens choose a relaxed manner of living in a small non-industrial town, that of course the town can has a higher average age. (这句话的语法有问题, The arguer could not mention the components of residents of Leeville, and maybe most senior citizens choose a relaxed manner of living in a small non-industrial town because of most striping work hard in Mason earning a live(这句话最好能简练一点有点乱), that of course the town can has a higher average age.)In such situation, the average age of the town is determined by the movement of senior citizens, not by the town itself, so unless the arguer offer more evidence to testify that some special conditions of Leeville, such as fresh air, beautiful scenery, that can make its residents live longer, I will doubt that the assumption cannot support the conclusion of the arguer.(我觉的你的这段有点问题,平均年龄大不是代表长寿,是因为平均年龄这个概念本身就是错的,因为平均需要老人和年轻人的年龄加权平均,所以不能说明长寿与否,若是长寿应该说60岁的年龄中80岁以上的比例那个多. 所以驳斥这个概念就说年轻人少就行了, town的年轻人都跑到城里去了才会town的年龄大,其实你的老人跑到村里也行,但是觉得问题的本质没有说道点上.)

Finally, it has many factors, such as condition of medicine, education, price of home, live level, etc. that could influence where would you live in. In most situations, we cannot satisfy all of these conditions. So, if one want to live longer and healthier, and success in business too, he should have a good consider about something he has to give up.(这段好像不是很好,不知道你要驳斥作者什么错误,其实有一个最主要的错误你没看出来,就是他用两个地方的比较来说全国都要是这样典型的以偏概全,这是最主要的错误,一定要放在第一段)

To sum up, the arguer intends to imply that living in small towns promotes better health and greater longevity than does the hectic pace of life in big cities. But he fails to supply the critical evidences to justify his opinion. To make the recommendation more convictive, he should find out more direct evidences.
语言不错,值得我学习.
但是错误找的不是很准,主要错误是一个以偏概全,其他就是三个错误的比较,是可以写四段的,建议看一下北美范文.