ARGUMENT(234)【Aero小组第三次作业】

saavedroUID: 2423190

题目：ARGUMENT234 - The following appeared in a newspaper feature story.
"There is now evidence that the relaxed manner of living in small towns promotes better health and greater longevity than does the hectic pace of life in big cities. Businesses in the small town of Leeville report fewer days of sick leave taken by individual workers than do businesses in the nearby large city of Mason City. Furthermore, Leeville has only one physician for its one thousand residents, but in Mason City the proportion of physicians to residents is five times as high. And the average age of Leeville residents is significantly higher than that of Mason City residents. These findings suggest that people seeking longer and healthier lives should consider moving to small communities."
字数：548          用时：00:46:32          日期：2007-12-25 16:24:21
  


  In this argument, the author cites the evidence that report from a small town, Leeville, its days of sick absence of individual workers less than a large city, Mason City, where is nearby Leeville based on which the author assumes that people who live in small towns conducing better health and greater longevity than people who live in big cities. Another piece of evidence presented to support this argument is that large of proportion of physicians in Mason City is five times as high compared to Leeville. Hence the author draws the conclusion that if you want to seek longer and healthier lives, you should consider moving to small town. I find this argument is vulnerable in several aspects.
  In the first place, Leeville's report by local bussinesses provided does not necessarily indicate that genuine information to reflect conditions of small town like Leeville. Perhaps local people have no good health habits, due to lacks effective and necessity of exercise activities. But local reporter might provides reverse information instead for real condition in Leeville due to earn a significant profit through most people who are distributing in nationalwide that concerning degree of health in this town. In short, without ruling out other possible reasons for that authentic information about report provided by local businesses, or the author cannot convince me on the basis of them that health conditions increasingly become worse than other small towns'.
  In the second place, the author unfairly concludes that within Mason City health conditions of local residents were attributable to proportion of physicians who are working in town hospitals. Lacking evidence to confirm this conclusion, it is entirely possible that the city where is containing high proportion of physicians, people who live in this city suffer from sickness and diseases are increasing. So it is clearly reflect that amount of physicians cannot illustrate level of health in the cities. So it is only possible to explain level of medical treatment in big cities. After all, the author provides no evidence to explain that local proportion of physicians were actually responsible for level of heath ratio in Mason City.
  Last but not least, the argument also ignores the cogent possibility that hectic pace living habit is not the only factor affecting negative of leading healthy style. Other such factors might include although people who live in big city must experience tight and fast pace or pressure from the work or society, vast majority of people still choosing and insisting sport exercise every day. In addition, people would be interest in variety of physical training. More and more children are required to participate sport training in school. Thus, the author cannot claim that people seeking longer and healthier lives must going to small town to enjoy what kinds of ideal healthy living they want.
  To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the author maintains. To strengthen the argument, the author would have to provide more evidence concerning other level of health conditions in many of small cites and big cites. To better reevaluate the argument, we would need more information regarding besides mentioned above, why average age of Leeville residents is higher than Mason City's? I still need to know a piece of real information that Leeville compare to other big cities.

[ 本帖最后由 saavedro 于 2007-12-25 17:24 编辑 ]

katu1204UID: 2355887

修改

In this argument, the author cites the evidence that report from a small town, Leeville, its days of sick absence of individual workers less than a large city, Mason City, where is nearby Leeville based on which the author assumes that people who live in small towns conducing better health and greater longevity (这个搭配好像不太准确)than people who live in big cities. Another piece of evidence presented to support this argument is that large of proportion of physicians in Mason City is five times as high compared to Leeville. Hence the author draws the conclusion that if you want to seek longer and healthier lives, you should consider moving to small town. I find this argument is vulnerable in several aspects.
  In the first place, Leeville's report by local bussinesses provided （改为provided by local businessss)does not necessarily indicate that genuine information to reflect conditions of small town like Leeville. Perhaps local people have no good health habits, due to lacks(lack) effective and necessity(应用形容词) of exercise activities. But local reporter might provides reverse information instead for（改为of） real condition in Leeville due to earn a significant profit through most people who are distributing in nationalwide that concerning degree of health in this town. In short, without ruling out other possible reasons for that authentic information about report provided by local businesses, or（去掉） the author cannot convince me on the basis of them that health conditions （of large cities' residents）increasingly become worse than other small towns'.
  In the second place, the author unfairly concludes that within Mason City health conditions of local residents were attributable to proportion of physicians who are working in town hospitals.（这句话逻辑有点错误吧，文章没有说居民的健康情况是归因于医生的数量，只是通医生数量来反映居民健康情况，所以attribute用得不太准确） Lacking evidence to confirm this conclusion, it is entirely possible that the city where is containing high proportion of physicians, people who live in this city suffer from sickness and diseases are increasing.(这句话有点重复罗嗦，可以合并成一个) So it is clearly reflect that amount of physicians cannot illustrate（我个人觉得这个词用得不太好） level of health in the cities. So（改为but，并且与上一句结合起来更好） it is only possible to explain level of medical treatment in big cities. After all, the author provides no evidence to explain that local proportion of physicians were actually responsible for level of heath ratio（这个词似乎有点多余） in Mason City.
  Last but not least, the argument also ignores the cogent possibility that hectic pace living habit is not the only factor affecting negative of leading healthy style. Other such factors might include although people who live（直接改为living 更简洁） in big city must experience tight and fast pace or（改为and） pressure from the work or(改为and) society, vast majority of people still choosing and insisting （时态有问题）sport（去掉） exercise every day. In addition, people would（用的不太合适） be interest in variety of physical training. More and more children are required to participate sport training in school. Thus, the author cannot claim that people seeking longer and healthier lives must going to small town to enjoy what kinds of ideal healthy living they want.
  To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence（改为复数） cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the author maintains. To strengthen the argument, the author would have to provide more evidence(复数) concerning other level of health conditions in many of（去掉） small cites and big cites. To better reevaluate the argument, we would need more information regarding besides mentioned above, （加上such as）why average age of Leeville residents is higher than Mason City's? I still need to know a piece of real information that Leeville compare to other big cities.

comments:现在就做到限时了很不错，优点就不多说了，
    主要说说缺点吧：语言上有些问题，用词不太准确；在句子方面刻意的用长句却没达到预期效果，建议多用短句，还有一些定语从句可以改为普通的限定语更简洁。
    在逻辑分析方面，有一个很大的错误没分析出来：就是文章的第三个证据，平均年龄的问题。
    以上是我个人的意见，要是有什么地方觉得改得不合适，欢迎继续讨论。
   


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[ 本帖最后由 katu1204 于 2007-12-28 10:30 编辑 ]

bigyanUID: 2382427

In this argument, the author cites the evidence that report from a small town, Leeville, its days of sick absence of individual workers less than a large city, Mason City, where is nearby Leeville based on which the author assumes that people who live in small towns conducing better health and greater longevity than people who live in big cities. Another piece of evidence presented to support this argument is that large of proportion of physicians in Mason City is five times as high compared to Leeville. Hence the author draws the conclusion that if you want to seek longer and healthier lives（对应you,应该用life）, you should consider moving to small town. I find this argument is vulnerable in several aspects.
  In the first place, Leeville's report by local bussinesses provided does not necessarily indicate that genuine information to reflect conditions of small town like Leeville. Perhaps local people have no good health habits, due to lacks effective and necessity (两词词性不同)of exercise activities. But local reporter might provides reverse information instead for real condition in Leeville due to earn a significant profit through most people who are distributing in nationalwide that concerning degree of health in this town. In short, without ruling out other possible reasons for that authentic information about report provided by local businesses, or the author cannot convince me on the basis of them that health conditions increasingly become worse than other small towns'.
  In the second place, the author unfairly concludes that within Mason City health conditions of local residents were attributable to proportion of physicians who are working in town hospitals. Lacking evidence to confirm this conclusion, it is entirely possible that the city where is containing high proportion of physicians, people who live in this city suffer from sickness and diseases are increasing. So it is clearly reflect that amount of physicians cannot illustrate level of health in the cities.（重复用到so ,应替换） So it is only possible to explain level of medical treatment in big cities. After all, the author provides no evidence to explain that local proportion of physicians were actually responsible for level of heath ratio in Mason City.
  Last but not least, the argument also ignores the cogent possibility that hectic pace living habit is not the only factor affecting negative of leading healthy style. Other such factors might include although people who live in big city must experience tight and fast pace or pressure from the work or society, vast majority of people still choosing and insisting sport exercise every day. In addition, people would be interest in variety of physical training. More and more children are required to participate sport training in school. Thus, the author cannot claim that people seeking longer and healthier lives must going to small town to enjoy what kinds of ideal healthy living they want.
  To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the author maintains. To strengthen the argument, the author would have to provide more evidence concerning other level of health conditions in many of small cites and big cites. To better reevaluate the argument, we would need more information regarding besides mentioned above, why average age of Leeville residents is higher than Mason City's? I still need to know a piece of real information that Leeville compare to other big cities.
作者用到较多长难句，本人读起来还着实有些困难，如此看来 在有限的时间之内能完成一篇字数不菲的文章，应该已经有了一个属于自己的模板了.
不足是，最后一段结束的略显仓促，应该再从总体上概括一下，还有lack 后面均少of