ARGUMENT234 【Aero小组】第3次作业 by BIGYAN

bigyanUID: 2382427

In this argument, the arguer conclude that people seeking longer and healthier lives should consider moving to small community. To support this point, the certain evidences about sick leave, the proportion of physicians is reasonable at the first glace. However, there are some obvious fallacies in the newspaper feature story.
First of all, the survey fails to convince me the reality of the result. By citing on the business, we can not gain the circumstance in the other compartment, whose worker’s health statistics take an important role in the survey. Apart from this, absence of the some current data leads to hasty conclusion. Whether the difference of the number of the sick leave between Mason city and Leeville is great or not is excluded from the report. In addition, if not consider the ingredient of the town and city, it is incredible to come to the conclusion that the average of Leeville residents is significantly higher than of Mason city residents. After all, the more old man the town has, the higher the average age is.  
Secondly, the evidence that in Mason city, the proportion of physician to residents is five times as high is unable to indicate that living in the small town promotes better health and greater longevity. Basically, the proportion of physicians to residents reflects the level of the medicine care, which has something important with the health of the residents. It is a danger for a man to choose a small town that is short of doctor.
Finally, no evidence concerning the benefit of the community is the same as the small town. Obviously, living in small community does not mean living far away from the big city. On the contrary, with the high density, the sphere may be worse than the that of the other part of city. That is to say, small community does not equal to small town.
The argument for living move to small community based on the fallacy statistics can not provide some powerful cause. Without considering the fallacy in the survey, we may be cheated by the superficial conduct. After all, a false belief in this report only cause to a dangerous result sometimes.  

m2zhyUID: 2440721

In this argument, the arguer concludes that people seeking longer and healthier lives should consider moving to small community. To support this point(这句和后面逻辑上不连贯), the certain evidencesabout sick leave, the proportion of physicians(落了一个evidence噢：average age) is(are) reasonable at the(去掉) first glace. （修改后的句子：The certain evidences about sick leave, the proportion of physicians and average age are reasonable at first glace. 或者：To support this point，the author offers certain evidences about sick leave, the proportion of physicians and average age, which are reasonable at first glace.） However, there are some obvious fallacies in the newspaper feature story.

First of all, the survey fails to convince me the reality of the result. By citing on the business, we can not gain the circumstance in the other compartment, whose worker’s health statistics take an important role in the survey.（楼主这句话是不是要表明，缺失了除了商业领域以外的其他领域的工作人员的健康数据呢？建议句子：We can not gain the residents’ health statistics in the domain beside the business from the newspaper story, where the statistics takes an important role in the survey.） Apart from this, absence of the some current(没懂为什么用这个词，换个词accurate怎么样？) data leads to hasty conclusion. Whether the difference of the number of the sick leave between Mason city and Leeville is great or not is excluded from the report. In addition, if not consider the ingredient of the town and city（如果不考虑城市和城镇的差别？这个和主体背离了吧。主体就是在讨论城市和城镇的差别，怎么反而不考虑了呢？疑惑ing）, it is incredible to come to the conclusion that the average of Leeville residents is significantly higher than of Mason city residents. After all, the more old man the town has, the higher the average age is.  （关于大城市和城镇的平均年龄，没看懂楼主要表达什么意思。是说城镇的老人更多，平均年龄就更大吗？楼主是不是想表达，人均年龄和Argu主题结论没关系呢？感觉这个地方逻辑上和驳论不相干了。）

Secondly, the evidence that in Mason city(City), the proportion of physician to residents is five times as high (as Leeville) is unable to indicate that living in the(去掉) small town promotes better health and greater longevity. Basically, the proportion of physicians to residents reflects the level of the (local,感觉加个限定词，语义更合理些) medicine care, which has something important (are closely linked) with the health of the residents. It is a danger(这个语气是不是太严重了点啊~) for a man to choose a small town that is short of doctor.

Finally, no evidence concerning the benefit of the community is the sameas the small town. (没看懂这句~) Obviously, living in small community does not mean living far away from the big city. On the contrary, with the high density, the sphere（楼主是要表达区域不好吗？） may be worse than the(去掉) that of the other part of city. That is to say, small community does not equal to small town.(这个段落的整个论证，我都没大看懂。楼主是在证明选择小的社会和选择小的城镇不是一回事吧?)

The argument for living move to small community based on the fallacy statistics can not provide some powerful cause(强有力的理由？reasonable evidences). Without considering the fallacy in the survey, we may be cheated by the superficial conduct(推断？conclusion).After all, a false belief in this report only cause to a dangerous result sometimes. (这句话的语气很古怪，而且楼主又一次用到了dangerous这个词，我觉得太严重了些。)

总评：总体结构还是不错的，但就文字来看，读起来不是很顺畅，有好多句子看不大懂意思，尤其是Finally那段，我没看懂作者要驳论什么问题，以及和主题之间的关系。语法没发现太大问题，就是用词，觉得比较别扭，好多都看不懂。这篇文章我研究了很久，最终发现，我不能完全理解作者要表达的全部意思，最后，根据我自己的理解，做了句子方面的建议，希望是有意义的。




[ 本帖最后由 m2zhy 于 2007-12-29 10:05 编辑 ]

cacipolarUID: 2186882

In this argument, the arguer conclude（concludes） that people seeking longer and healthier lives should consider moving to small community. To support this point, the certain evidences about sick leave, the proportion of physicians is reasonable at the first glace. However, there are some obvious fallacies in the newspaper feature story.
  First of all, the survey fails to convince me the reality of the result. By citing on the business, we can not gain the circumstance in the other compartment, whose worker’s health statistics take an important role in the survey. Apart from this, absence of the some current data leads to hasty conclusion. Whether the difference of the number of the sick leave between Mason city and Leeville is great or not is excluded from the report. In addition, if not consider（considering） the ingredient of the town and city, it is incredible to come to the conclusion that the average(…..缺成分吧) of Leeville residents is significantly higher than thatof Mason city residents. After all, the more old man the town has(have吧), the higher the average age is. （感觉你这段没有个明确的主题句）
  Secondly, the evidence that in Mason city, the proportion of physicians to residents is five times as high is unable to indicate that living in the small town promotes better health and greater longevity. Basically, the proportion of physicians to residents reflects the level of the medicine care, which has something important with the health of the residents. It is a danger for a man to choose a small town that is short of doctor（doctors）.
  Finally, no evidence concerning the benefit of the community is the same as the small town. Obviously, living in small community does not mean living far away from the big city. On the contrary, with the high density, the sphere may be worse than the that of the other part of city. That is to say, small community does not equal to small town.
  The argument for living move(这句话有问题) to small community based on the fallacy statistics can not provide some powerful cause. Without considering the fallacy in the survey, we may be cheated by the superficial conduct. After all, a false belief in this report only cause to a dangerous result sometimes.  
感觉还可以，但为何不再每段结尾再加一点模板似的东西，会感觉很完整。