ARGUMENT240 飞越dreams小组第一次作业

Marvelous_czUID: 2451875

Argument240 【飞跃dreams小组】第一次作业 by Marvelous_cz


240.The following appeared in a memo written by a dean at Buckingham College.

"To serve the housing needs of our students, Buckingham College should build a new dormitory. Buckingham's enrollment is growing and, based on current trends, should double over the next fifty years, thus making existing dormitories inadequate. Moreover, the average rent for an apartment in our town has increased in recent years. Consequently, students will find it increasingly difficult to afford off-campus housing. Finally, an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham."

为满足我们学生的住房需求，Buckingham学院应该建造一幢新的宿舍。Buckingham的报名人数正在增加，而且按照现有趋势，报名人数将会在未来50年中增加一倍，从而导致现有住宅不能满足要求。而且，我们镇上公寓的平均租金在近几年间上涨了。因此，学生将会越来越发现难于负担校外住宿费用。最后，一幢引人注目的新宿舍将会使未来的学生更愿意报考Buckingham。

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In this memo, the dean in Buckingham College proposed that in order to meet the expected enrollment growing the college should build a new dormitory. To support this advice, the dean points out the average rent for an apartment in the town has increased in recent years, which makes it difficult for the students to afford off-campus housing. Then the dean points out an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham. However, the argument is undermined by several problems.

First of all, the statistic in the survey provides no evidence to substantiate the dean’s claim that the average rent for an apartment in the town has increased would lead to students find it more difficult to afford off-campus housing. An average rent increasing does not indicate that the rent of the college’s nearby apartment would increase too. Perhaps some high-quality apartment has been constructed, which brings to a high rent in the town, but the students would not rent these apartments since they only rent the apartments which are cheaper and nearby the college. It is entirely possible that the situation is just opposite.

Secondly, the dean assumes that this current trend in rental rates will continues in the future; yet the dean does not offer any evidence to support it. The rental rates are a function of demand and supply, and entirely possible that construction of apartment would increase in the future, then the rental rates would decrease. I can not accept the dean’s conclusion that the rental rate would increase in the future, until the dean considers this scenario.

Thirdly, the dean assumes that the enrollment of Buckingham College would double over the next fifty years, which making existing dormitories inadequate; but the dean does not support it with any evidence. The dean ignores the students who will live in their parents’ house but not live in the campus. If this kind of students take much proportion of the new students, the college would not worry about there would be not enough dormitories for the students. This situation, if true, would render the dean’s argument for building a new dormitory untenable.

Yet another problem with the argument involves the dean’s final assume that an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham. Selecting a college dose not only base on a new and attractive dormitory for the students; the students would select a college base on many aspects such as teaching level, facilities, traffic and so on. Only an attractive apartment would not make students enroll at a college, if other conditions of the college are not satisfied.

In conclusion, the dean’s recommendation is not well supported. To strengthen it the dean must provide more evidence to support that the rental rates of apartments which nearby the college have in fact been increasing and this trend would still continue in the future, and the new students would prefer live in the campus to their parents’ house. It would be necessarily for the dean to consider these situations before we could better evaluate the conclusion.

[ 本帖最后由 Marvelous_cz 于 2008-1-28 00:19 编辑 ]

wxtxxmUID: 2339833

In this memo, the dean in Buckingham College proposed that in order to meet the expected enrollment growing the college should build a new dormitory.我认为这句话不是很合适，这篇ARGUE的主旨是Buckingham College是为了吸引学生而修新宿舍楼，而非为了满足增长的学生数量而修建宿舍楼。 To support this advice, the dean points out the average rent for an apartment in the town has increased in recent years, which makes it difficult for the students to afford off-campus housing. Then the dean points out an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham. However, the argument is undermined by several problems.

First of all, the statistic in the survey provides no evidence to substantiate the dean’s claim that the average rent for an apartment in the town has increased would lead to students find it more difficult to afford off-campus housing. An average rent increasing does not indicate that the rent of the college’s nearby apartment would increase too. Perhaps some high-quality apartment has been constructed, which brings to a high rent in the town, but the students would not rent these apartments since they only rent the apartments which are cheaper and nearby the college.例证举得很好！ It is entirely possible that the situation is just opposite.

Secondly, the dean assumes that this current trend in rental rates will continues in the future; yet the dean does not offer any evidence to support it. The rental rates are a function of demand and supply, and entirely possible that construction of apartment would increase in the future, then the rental rates would decrease. I can not accept the dean’s conclusion that the rental rate would increase in the future, until the dean considers this scenario.
我觉得第二段和第三段是否交换一下顺序，会更有逻辑性呢？第二段：持续增长的租金导致学生难以支付校外居住的费用，第三段：持续增长的租金不一定会延续到将来。如果交换一下，即：持续增长趋势不一定延续→（即使延续）也不一定会导致学生难以支付校外居住的费用Thirdly, the dean assumes that the enrollment of Buckingham College would double over the next fifty years, which making existing dormitories inadequate; but the dean does not support it with any evidence. The dean ignores the students who will live in their parents’ house but not live in the campus. If this kind of students take much proportion of the new students, the college would not worry about there would be not enough dormitories for the students.例证很好！This situation, if true, would render the dean’s argument for building a new dormitory untenable.

Yet another problem with the argument involves the dean’s final assume that an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham. Selecting a college dose not only base on a new and attractive dormitory for the students; the students would select a college base on many aspects such as teaching level, facilities, traffic and so on. Only an attractive apartment would not make students enroll at a college, if other conditions of the college are not satisfied. 本段内容可以再丰富一些In conclusion, the dean’s recommendation is not well supported. To strengthen it the dean must provide more evidence to support that the rental rates of apartments which nearby the college have in fact been increasing and this trend would still continue in the future, and the new students would prefer live in the campus to their parents’ house. It would be necessarily for the dean to consider these situations before we could better evaluate the conclusion.
总评：你的作文写得挺好的，层次比较分明，逻辑层次也可以，文章很有北美范文的味道，
PS：第一次帮别人改作文，不足之处，多多见谅~

Marvelous_czUID: 2451875

In this memo, the dean in BuckinghamCollege proposed that in order to meet the expected enrollment growing the college should build a new dormitory. To support this advice, the dean points out the average rent for an apartment in the town has increased in recent years, which makes it difficult for the students to afford off-campus housing. Then the dean points out an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham. However, the argument is undermined by several problems.

First of all, the dean assumes that this current trend in rental rates will continues in the future; yet the dean does not offer any evidence to support it. The rental rates are a function of demand and supply, and entirely possible that construction of apartment would increase in the future, then the rental rates would decrease. I can not accept the dean’s conclusion that the rental rate would increase in the future, until the dean considers this scenario.

Secondly, even if the current trend in rental rates will continues in the future, the statistic in the survey provides no evidence to substantiate the dean’s claim that the average rent for an apartment in the town has increased would lead to students find it more difficult to afford off-campus housing. An average rent increasing does not indicate that the rent of the college’s nearby apartment would increase too. Perhaps some high-quality apartment has been constructed, which brings to a high rent in the town, but the students would not rent these apartments since they only rent the apartments which are cheaper and nearby the college. It is entirely possible that the situation is just opposite.


Thirdly, the dean assumes that the enrollment of BuckinghamCollege would double over the next fifty years, which making existing dormitories inadequate; But the dean does not support it with any evidence. The dean ignores the students who will live in their parents’ house but not live in the campus. If this kind of students take much proportion of the new students, the college would not worry about there would be not enough dormitories for the students. This situation, if true, would render the dean’s argument for building a new dormitory untenable.

Yet another problem with the argument involves the dean’s final assume that an attractive new dormitory would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham. Selecting a college dose not only base on a new and attractive dormitory for the students; the students would select a college base on many aspects such as teaching level, facilities, traffic and so on. Only an attractive apartment would not make students enroll at a college, if other conditions of the college are not satisfied.

In conclusion, the dean’s recommendation is not well supported. To strengthen it the dean must provide more evidence to support that the rental rates of apartments which nearby the college have in fact been increasing and this trend would still continue in the future, and the new students would prefer live in the campus to their parents’ house. It would be necessarily for the dean to consider these situations before we could better evaluate the conclusion.