Argument45 飞越dreams小组第一次作业

lyokaUID: 2451632

Argument45
Word:      406    Time:unlimited
In this argument the author says that the decline in arctic deer populations is caused by recent global warming trends which have caused the sea ice to melt and prevented the deer to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea. At first glance, what the author says appears quite reasonable, but when considered thoroughly it is not convincing as it seems.

In the first place, the author only says that the reports from local hunters that the deer populations are declining just coincide with recent global warming trends. There is no necessary causal relationship between the two incidents. The author has mistaken concurrency with causal relationship, which is probably not the case. There is another possibility that at this time of year it is usual for the populations of deer to decline because of lack of food or the increase of their enemies. If the author does not supply any further information, the conclusion is still quite questionable.

In the second place, the author does not give any information that the melting of the sea ice which is caused by the warming trends results in the deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea. We are not informed that it is just at this time of year that the deer move between islands. If this is not the case, the melting of the sea ice may have nothing to do with the decrease of the populations of deer. In the absence of relative information showing that the deer migrate at this season, whether the conclusion the author reaches is correct is still open to doubt.

Before I come to my conclusion, I want to mention another flaw that weakens the conclusion. That is the author simply believes that warming trends just have effect on the migration of the deer, while at the same time they may have direct effects on them. Maybe the deer give birth to young deer easier when the temperature is lower than when it is higher which is the result of the current warming trends. As the possible existence of other reasons, the conclusion the author says is not so convincing as it seems.

In sum, the conclusion the author reaches is too hasty. Unless more information about the living habit of the deer is given by the author, the author can not rule out other possible reasons and the result is not quite credible.

[ 本帖最后由 lyoka 于 2008-1-29 09:17 编辑 ]

纳兰馨儿UID: 2437109

In this argument the author says that the decline in arctic deer populations is caused by recent global warming trends which have caused the sea ice to melt and prevented the deer to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea. At first glance, what the author says(～said ,和后面的considered统一下) appears quite reasonable, but when considered thoroughly it is not convincing as it seems.

In the first place, the author only says that the reports from local hunters that the deer populations are declining just coincide with recent global warming trends. （加个Yet，可以增加连贯性）There is no necessary causal relationship between the two incidents.（开门见山，赞一个～） The author has mistaken concurrency with causal relationship, which is probably not the case.（这句话跟前面那句是一个意思吧，说一句就够了）There is anotherpossibility （前面并没有说到任何关于possibility 的东东，所以这里最好不要用another,可能possibly 直接一点）that at this time of year it is usual for the populations of deer to decline because of lack of food or the increase of their enemies. （你是想说自然原因也会导致数量下降，可以先总领一句：Naturally, animal populations can fluctuate in different time of the year. 另外，还可以加几个其他的可能，这样看上去会更饱满一些）If the author does not supply any further information　（+to confirm the causal relationship,不然容易混淆causal relationship 和further information两种错误～）, the conclusion is stillquite questionable.（前面没有说到过conclusion,何来still 呢）

In the second place, the author does not give any information that the melting of the sea ice which is caused by the warming trends results in the deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea.（这段TS太长了，细节可以留到后面说，短一点会不会好一点？the author does not give any information that the habit change is result from the melting ice.） We are not informed that it is just at this time of year that the deer move between islands. If this is not the case,（指代不明，直接说if this is the warm season）the melting of the sea ice may have nothing to do with the decrease of the populations of deer(你的中心句里的是unable to follow their age-old migration patterns，但是习性的改变等于数量的下降吗？自己都犯错了吧～～). In the absence of relative information showing that the deer migrate at this season, whether the conclusion the author reaches is correct is still open to doubt.（这段感觉分析太少，前后两个ＴＳ占了大部分空间）

Before I come to my conclusion, I want to mention another flaw that weakens the conclusion（两个conclusion用在一句话里布太好，可以改成the reliability of the argument）. That is(That is +句子？翻译成“那就是”～～英语语法里好像没有吧，即使有，也不太standard) the author simply believes（assumes） that warming trends just have effect on(have just effected/have effects on) the migration of the deer, while at the same time they may have direct effects on them.(没看懂～＊＊对＊＊有影响，同时＊＊对＊＊有直接影响，是不是想说,but it does not mean that the change in their migration will cause the death of deer ) Maybe the deer give birth to young deer easier when the temperature is lower than when it is higher which is the result of the current warming trends.(when ~than when~,不太对吧，直接说成in the warm season ,other than the cold winter ) As the possible existence of other reasons(As+名词？貌似是＋句子As this and other possible reasons can not be eliminated), the conclusion the author says is not so convincing as it seems.

In sum, the conclusion the author reaches is too hasty. Unless more information about the living habit of the deer is given by the author, the author can not rule out other possible reasons and the result is not quite credible.(and 后面有歧义，分开吧)

整篇文章结构和内容还是不错的，我拼命的找才有这么多细节问题。

总结一下：句子段落之间的连接可以顺畅一点；ＴＳ要简洁一点。

～by馨儿，个人意见，有不对的不要打我哦：）

[ 本帖最后由 纳兰馨儿 于 2008-1-31 00:40 编辑 ]