Issue212 为了有资格水!!!!!

firhadayUID: 2287086

ISSUE212 - "If a goal is worthy, then any means taken to attain it is justifiable."
WORDS: 650+          TIME: 02:00:00         DATE: 2008-2-22 14:26:00

I do not agree with that author that any means to achieve the goal is justifiable if this is a worthy goal. As the definition of worth and justifiable varies from one person to another, that might led to a disorder if each would take any means that he thought worthy to attain a target. In addition, in a society like nowadays, we are calling for reach our termination by some legal and rational means.

To begin, the first problem with this issue is what is worthy differentiates by each people's understanding. Different people have varied educational and social backgrounds, regional belief and value system to teach them what the things they are willing to pursue are. Among them, the social status and regional belief affect this definition of what is worthy most. The first point is, that for a person living in the upper class in a society, he/she are so eager in need of reputation satisfactory, that would lead to them to take well-populated by publics for granted. Meanwhile, people who live in the lowest level of the society, pursuit of escaping from hungry and thirsty, diseases and epidemics are of the first importance, which makes them to regard it as a worthwhile thing to do. That is a shape contrast of the definition between people in the different society status. The other point is regional belief; we can clearly figure the destructive results of "human bomb" made by some regional parties in East-Middle. For them, devoting themselves for the regional instruction takes the prime priority. But for most of us, who do not have that regional belief, would not consider in this kind of devotion as a worth thing.

Yet another problem with this issue is that the understanding of justifiable. Even one think something worth doing to attain a goal, do that mean that anything, including some violation of moral regulations and laws, is adoptive? Before we arrive at a conclusion, we should be ready to make our definition of justifiable clear. Thus what is justifiable? In my opinion, something justifiable means doing something is right reasonable, but also shows the justice of these actions, having the same bending to each part of the whole community. If any misunderstand of the definition occurs, that would lead to trouble. For instance, Saddam, in order to meet his desire of authority, invaded Kuwait in 1990, which interrupted the international order and brought about devastating damage to the people in Kuwait. Can his action be regarded as justifiable? No, of course is not. If so, the world nowadays may be immersed in a sea of wars. Because human are born with ever-increasing desire of controlling more, if invasion based on the desire of control, is justifiable, each would pursuit for the meet of his/her desire by the means of wars. Therefore, not only is justifiable things something showing its justice for society, but also something regulate people's behaviors, at least not to violate the laws.

Surely, I reach a negative answer to the question arose in the beginning of the passage before. But does that mean we, if wanting to attain a goal, cannot do anything we thought is right? They answer again is no.

In the course of reaching goals, we often have more than one path to the termination, among which we should choose the most justifiable one. We might do something within the allowance of moral regulations and laws as well as to resort for some help from the government. There might be some cases, for a newly-establishing company, it might apply for a decreased tax rather than escaping taxes privately. Two of means would help to attain to the same goal, but the latter one is not justifiable, which should be the last choice of people. Indeed, the society we lived in is calling for justice. With the premise that each member in our society act in a reasonable, rational and justifiable way, we would welcome a better society.


=============================================
目前还没有自己修改过~诶!真是要好好加油了,时间剩的不多了~

[ 本帖最后由 lastangel 于 2008-2-23 21:30 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

I do not agree with that author that any means to achieve the goal is justifiable (even) if this(it) is a (seemly) worthy goal. (注意加上适当的词让你的口气更加严谨和客观) As the definition of worth and justifiable varies from one person to another, that might led to a disorder if each would take any means that he thought worthy to attain a target. In addition(觉得这里不构成一个并列关系, 直接接上就行了), in a society like nowadays, we are calling for reach our termination by some legal and rational means.

开头简洁明了且回应题目直接, 是个不错的开头. 注意worthy和justifiable直接指代题目中还是用引号引上的好.

To begin, the first problem with this issue is what is worthy differentiates by each people's understanding. Different people have varied educational and social backgrounds, regional belief and value system to teach them what the things they are willing to pursue are.(句子长嵌套结构太多, 可以简化下) Among them, the social status and regional belief affect this definition of what is worthy most. The first point is, that for a person living in the upper class in a society, he/she are so eager in need of reputation satisfactory, that would lead to them to take well-populated by publics for granted. Meanwhile, people who live in the lowest level of the society, pursuit of escaping from hungry and thirsty, diseases and epidemics are of the first importance, which makes them to regard it as a worthwhile thing to do. That is a shape contrast of the definition between people in the different society status.(这个对命题的影响有什么关系? 把论证说完--这样造成他们对worthy无法达成共识,所以在涉及他们的目标时就难以决定) The other point is regional belief; we can clearly figure the destructive results of "human bomb" made by some regional parties in East-Middle. For them, devoting themselves for the regional instruction takes the prime priority. But for most of us, who do not have that regional belief, would not consider in this kind of devotion as a worth thing.

那么这个问题如何造成命题难以实现和不合理? 注意把论证深度深化到直接关系命题正误的层次, 而不是就你的分论点不停的讨论.

Yet another problem with this issue is that the understanding of justifiable. Even one thinks something worth doing to attain a goal, does that mean that anything, including some violation of moral regulations and laws, is adoptive? (justifiable哪去了? 这句话跟understanding of justifiable没有直接的关系, 作为主题句展开太跳了. 后面又回到了主题句, 就使这句显得多余) Before we arrive at a conclusion, we should be ready to make our definition of justifiable clear.(what conclusion? 这个说的比较笼统, 其实这句也有点多余) Thus what is justifiable? In my opinion, something justifiable means doing something is right reasonable, but also shows the justice of these actions, having the same bending to each part of the whole community. If any misunderstand of the definition occurs, that would lead to trouble.(作者也没说misunderstanding, 直接反驳显得缺乏依据. 你可以说misunderstanding is easily occurred, considering the subjective reasons may determine our mind.) For instance, Saddam, in order to meet his desire of authority, invaded Kuwait in 1990, which interrupted the international order and brought about devastating damage to the people in Kuwait. Can his action be regarded as justifiable? No, of course is not. If so, the world nowadays may be immersed in a sea of wars.(这个又跟命题有什么关系? 因为作者没有提到所以直接讨论就变得象无理取闹,好比我说"我们饿了要吃东西", 你说"东西是什么? 应该是能吃的, 如果是不能吃的, 那么就有问题. 比如萨达姆觉得秤砣能吃,可我们不能吃秤砣." 相比之下应该直接点出这种命题与你所讨论的问题之间的关系. 比如As for Saddam, justifiable isutilized as an excuse of invading.) Because human are born with ever-increasing desire of controlling more, if invasion based on the desire of control, is justifiable, each would pursuit for the meet of his/her desire by the means of wars.(这句显得跑远了, 光顾着讨论战争会蔓延, 却脱离的针对命题的讨论)Therefore, not only is justifiable things something showing its justice for society, but also something regulate people's behaviors, at least not to violate the laws.

这段的讨论还是没有跟中心论点连接上--最后应该指出, 对justifiable的不同理解会造成曲解民众意志, 在这种情况下承认本题命题则会造成很多问题, 战争什么的.

Surely, I reach a negative answer to the question arose in the beginning of the passage before. But does that mean we, if wanting to attain a goal, cannot do anything we thought is right? They answer again is no.

In the course of reaching goals, we often have more than one path to the termination, among which we should choose the most justifiable one. We might do something within the allowance of moral regulations and laws as well as to resort for some help from the government. There might be some cases, for a newly-establishing company, it might apply for a decreased tax rather than escaping taxes privately. Two of means would help to attain to the same goal, but the latter one is not justifiable, which should be the last choice of people. Indeed, the society we lived in is calling for justice. With the premise that each member in our society act in a reasonable, rational and justifiable way, we would welcome a better society.

总评:

可能是受了我的分析影响, 此文过于执着于对两个关键词的讨论, 却忽视了对命题本身合理性的评判. 对worthy的讨论还算清晰, 而到了justifiable的讨论时就显得让人摸不着头脑了--到底哪不合理了? 为什么不能被认为是justifiable的?

原因在于worthy和justifiable是相互依存的, 一个被驳翻了另一个就站不住脚了, 所以这时候在驳另外一个会显得无从入手. 我觉得你后一段的讨论更象是针对any判断为justifiable的条件, 也就是命题本身, 而不应该是justifiable这个词. 因此在段落的出发点选择上还要再斟酌下.

语言没太大问题了, 适当注意单复数变化, 少用些容易出错的嵌套结构.

zephyrqqUID: 2260290

哭啊，都2点半了，本来全部改了一遍了，按错一个键，全部不见了。。当好人真是不容易啊，人品就是怎么攒的，jj再帮你改一遍。。水平有限只改细节了哈，幸好刚改完还记得一点点。。我理解能力不行，跟着使徒斑斑的思路来

I do not agree with that author that any means to achieve the goal is justifiable (even) if this(it) is a (seemly) worthy goal. (注意加上适当的词让你的口气更加严谨和客观) As the definition of worthy and justifiable varies from one person to another, that might led【lead】 to a disorder if each would take any means that he thought worthy to attain a target. In addition(觉得这里不构成一个并列关系, 直接接上就行了), in a society like 【that of】nowadays, we are calling for reach our termination【你经常用termination, 实际上这个是偏重于“结束”这个意思，“目标，目的地”建议还是用destination吧】 by some legal and rational means.

开头简洁明了且回应题目直接, 是个不错的开头. 注意worthy和justifiable直接指代题目中还是用引号引上的好.

To begin, the first problem with this issue is what is worthy differentiates by each people's understanding. Different people have varied educational and social backgrounds, regional beliefs and value systems to teach them what the things they are willing to pursue are.【what is worthy for them to pursuit】(句子长嵌套结构太多, 可以简化下) Among them, the social status and regional belief affect this definition of what is worthy most. The first point is, that for a person living in the upper class in a society, he/she are so eager in need of reputation satisfactory, that would lead to them to take well-populated by publics for granted. Meanwhile, people who live in the lowest level of the society, pursuit of escaping from hungry and thirsty,【homelessness】 diseases and epidemics 【这个不合适，上层社会的也会躲着这些病】are of the first importance, which makes them to regard it as a worthwhile thing to do. That is a shape 【sharp】contrast of the definitions between people in the different society status.(这个对命题的影响有什么关系? 把论证说完--这样造成他们对worthy无法达成共识,所以在涉及他们的目标时就难以决定) The other point is regional belief; we can clearly figure the destructive results of "human bomb" made by some regional parties in East-Middle. For them, devoting themselves for the regional instruction takes the prime priority. But for most of us, who do not have that regional belief, would not consider in this kind of devotion as a worth thing.

那么这个问题如何造成命题难以实现和不合理? 注意把论证深度深化到直接关系命题正误的层次, 而不是就你的分论点不停的讨论.

Yet another problem with this issue is that the understanding of justifiable. Even one thinks something worth doing to attain a goal, does that mean that anything, including some violation of moral regulations and laws, is adoptive? 【all the approaches, including those which violate the legal or moral standards, could be viewed as justifiable and addoptive ones?】(justifiable哪去了? 这句话跟understanding of justifiable没有直接的关系, 作为主题句展开太跳了. 后面又回到了主题句, 就使这句显得多余) Before we arrive at a conclusion, we should be ready to make our definition of justifiable clear.【对，这句不要了】(what conclusion? 这个说的比较笼统, 其实这句也有点多余) Thus what is justifiable? In my opinion, something justifiable【not only】 means doing something is right reasonable, but also shows the justice of these actions, having the same bending to each part of the whole community.【说实话，这句没有看懂，不知道说得是什么】If any misunderstand of the definition occurs, that would lead to trouble.(作者也没说misunderstanding, 直接反驳显得缺乏依据. 你可以说misunderstanding is easily occurred, considering the subjective reasons may determine our mind.) For instance, Saddam, in order to meet his desire of authority, invaded Kuwait in 1990, which interrupted【disturbed】 the international order and brought about devastating damage to the people in Kuwait. Can his action be regarded as justifiable? No, of course is not. If so, the world nowadays may be immersed in a sea of wars.(这个又跟命题有什么关系? 因为作者没有提到所以直接讨论就变得象无理取闹,好比我说"我们饿了要吃东西", 你说"东西是什么? 应该是能吃的, 如果是不能吃的, 那么就有问题. 比如萨达姆觉得秤砣能吃,可我们不能吃秤砣." 相比之下应该直接点出这种命题与你所讨论的问题之间的关系. 比如As for Saddam, justifiable isutilized as an excuse of invading.) Because human beings are born with ever-increasing desire of controlling more, if invasion based on the desire of control, is justifiable, each would pursuit for the meet of his/her desire by the means of wars.(这句显得跑远了, 光顾着讨论战争会蔓延, 却脱离的针对命题的讨论)Therefore, not only is justifiable things something showing its justice for society, but also something regulate people's behaviors, at least not to violate the laws.

这段的讨论还是没有跟中心论点连接上--最后应该指出, 对justifiable的不同理解会造成曲解民众意志, 在这种情况下承认本题命题则会造成很多问题, 战争什么的.

Surely, I reach a negative answer to the question arose in the beginning of the passage before. But does that mean we, if wanting to attain a goal, cannot do anything we thought【为什么用过去式呢？】 is right? They answer again is no.【The answer is also negative.】【这段感觉就像没有写完，太单薄了。你应该继续解释啊】

In the course of reaching goals, we often have more than one path to the termination, among which we should【try to】没有人能保证选出最好的，但是可以努力这么做 choose the most justifiable one. We might do something within the allowance of moral regulations and laws as well as to resort for some help from the government. There might be some cases, for a newly-establishing company, it might apply for a decreased tax rather than escaping taxes privately. Two of means would help to attain to the same goal, but the latter one is not justifiable, which should be the last choice of people.【多余了】 Indeed, the society we lived in is calling for justice. With the premise that each member in our society act in a reasonable, rational and justifiable way, we would welcome 【这种用法有点别扭，知道你是表达“迎来”，不过没有把握的话，不这麽有文采也可以啦。establish/build up似乎都行】a better society.

[ 本帖最后由 zephyrqq 于 2008-2-26 03:01 编辑 ]

scentyUID: 2363244

5555我也想要两位大大帮我改作文阿。现在水平太有限了，写出来就不错了，要说改我真的自己改不了。

firhadayUID: 2287086

看到那么多人帮我认真的看文章,我怎么说也要写好出来,今天修改,晚点铁出来!