[April作文互助小组] argument45 我的第一篇

gingerleeUID: 2454321

[April作文互助小组] argument45 我的第一篇
谢谢大家。第一篇憋了很长时间！！多谢指教

TOPIC: ARGUMENT45 - The following appeared as an editorial in a wildlife journal.

"Arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic region. They search for food by moving over ice from island to island during the course of a year. Their habitat is limited to areas warm enough to sustain the plants on which they feed, and cold enough, at least some of the year, for the ice to cover the sea separating the islands, allowing the deer to travel over it. Unfortunately, according to reports from local hunters, the deer populations are declining. Since these reports coincide with recent global warming trends that have caused the sea ice to melt, we can conclude that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea."
WORDS: 336                            DATE: 2008-3-21 22:28:24

The notion that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their migration patterns seems at first glance correct. After all, it is the intent of migrating and moving over ice from island to island in order to search for food. However, being unable to follow their age-old migration patterns across the frozen sea leads to the decrease in the number of  arctic dears may mask other (and potentially more significant) causes of declining number and even, it would mislead the public.

First of all, as mentioned in the argument, arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic region, where not all the living creatures including the plants and animals etc. can survive in the severe environment. In addition, as there’s a worsening global warming tendency, some plants, especially those on which the arctic dears feed can not adapt themselves to the change of climate.  The insufficient number of plants can not meet the daily demands of the arctic dears may bring about the decrease in dear population. Also, arctic dears may not adjust themselves immediately to the changeable climate brought by global worming.

The argument above is weakened by the fact that it does not take into account the hazardous things happened on the way of arctic deer' old-age migration across the frozen area. For example, the blizzard and avalanche can usually happen in the arctic region. In addition, arctic deer would be exhausted and become fatigue during the long distance of migration, since they have to search for food moving from one island to another island using the ice as the vehicle. These factors can be slighted neglected.

The argument for decline in the arctic deer population based on the hunter reports is truly stimulating human being’s attention. Before conclusions about the reason causing it, further investigations and researches should be given priority to in order not to mislead the public. What’s more we can take an immediate and effective action to prevent the situation from deteriorating.

deerprinceUID: 2394244

The notion that the decline in arctic deer populations is the result of deer being unable to follow their migration patterns seems at first glance correct. After all, it is the intent of migrating and moving over ice from island to island in order to search for food. However, being unable to follow their age-old（old-age感觉更好一些） migration patterns across the frozen sea leads to the decrease in the number of  arctic dears may mask other (and potentially more significant) causes of declining number and even, it would mislead the public.（首段行文流畅，将主要的逻辑漏洞指出，并为下文具体分析作铺垫。语言很好，值得学习。）

First of all, as mentioned in the argument, arctic deer live on islands in Canada's arctic region, where not all the living creatures including the plants and animals etc. can survive in the severe environment. In addition, as there’s a worsening global warming tendency, some plants, especially those on which the arctic dears feed can not adapt themselves to the change of climate.  The insufficient number of plants can not meet the daily demands of the arctic dears may bring about the decrease in dear population. Also, arctic dears may not adjust themselves immediately to the changeable climate brought by global worming. （这一段看出来是在叙述他因，但是我感觉应该有呼应性的语言，毕竟ARGUMENT需要我们指出逻辑漏洞，你的这个他因批驳了原因的唯一性）

The argument above is weakened by the fact that it does not take into account the hazardous things happened on the way of arctic deer' old-age migration across the frozen area. For example, the blizzard and avalanche can usually happen in the arctic region. In addition, arctic deer would be exhausted and become fatigue during the long distance of migration, since they have to search for food moving from one island to another island using the ice as the vehicle. These factors can be slighted neglected.
（这一段比较好，把途中迁徙造成的后果说清楚了，但是前提是气候没有变暖，冰没有融化，这与文中的假设不符，不能有力批驳文中的假设。）
The argument for decline in the arctic deer population based on the hunter reports is truly stimulating human being’s attention. Before conclusions about the reason causing it, further investigations and researches should be given priority to in order not to mislead the public. What’s more we can take an immediate and effective action to prevent the situation from deteriorating.（结尾段呼应比较好）

全文语言比较好，值得我的学习。但是感觉逻辑漏洞抓得不够有力，需要抓住其他一些：比如全球变暖对本地区影响，还有猎人数据的可靠性一类。而不单单是死亡的他因。
这是我第一次点评，有很多需要商榷之处。

gingerleeUID: 2454321

恩收到谢谢 deerprince 你的评论很有道理。逻辑比我强。这是我的第一篇argument，没有上过课，所以自己在摸索如何写！请多多指教！