我的作文，求批

js_brandoUID：2445759

5月考，作文一直是我最弱项，写出来自己都不好意思看。唉。
求批
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Successful people take new things and take risks rather than the thing that they've done well.  

Morden people usually must work hard, and pay much energy to achieve success. As such, people usually believe that successful people may feel satisfied about their success, and have no more time or energy to take new things or take risks. However, I can hardly agree with them because the opinion they hold is just so subjective. And I strongly believe that successful people will prefer taking new things. There are numerous reasons why I think about this, and  I will explain a few of the nost important ones.  
First and foremost, successful people are usually more confidence and have the capitance to try new things and take risks. Actually, I think most successful people are risk-takers. They are more creativity, and eager to try new things to make themselves more success. Frankly speaking, even they fail to get the goal that they proposed to achieve, it would not let them loss much than people do not have the capital to invest. I can quote a common example. There is a cafe just near my house, offering good coffees and refreshments. It has good business there, but the boss still try to produce more kinds of foods such as juices. This is really a good idea, and make him more success. However, if the new products aren't popular by students, they will cost lot.

In the second place, New things means lots of opportunities, and successful people know well about it. So they may try new things again and again to achieve the goal and make themselves more success. Things change, so we must keep learning to make ourselves adapt to the socialty's change. And it also means you have more chance to do things quicker or better than others.

What is more, if successful people do not take new things, they may loss a lot of chances, and may not success with in a short period.

From what has been discussed above, we may finally draw the conclusion that successful people prefer taking risks to doing things without changes.

js_brandoUID：2445759

嗯，半个小时写完的
因为第一次掐时间写，所以写的比较慌，感觉条理什么的都不是很清楚，逻辑也不是很严谨。
我这个人本来思维就有点局限的，唉，让我短时间想3个分论点真难
太慌了，第二第三个分论点都没举例子，写出来居然发现字数够了，还蛮诧异的。
嗯，字数，可能也是唯一觉得宽慰的地方了（练了半个月盲打终于有效果了）

希望大作文可以达到3.5，不晓得现在应该往什么方向上准备，请达人指教，5月初考试。
作文算是我最薄弱的了，每次写完作文都很沉郁，自己写的东西自己都不好意思再看:o

[ 本帖最后由 js_brando 于 2008-4-18 16:07 编辑 ]

hyacinthUID：2184492

收到,不过我一般晚上看,第二天帖出来...
over... ;d:

hyacinthUID：2184492

Morden [modern] people usually must [→must usually] work hard, and pay much energy to [通常是用put energy into.这里最好能重新写] achieve success. As such, people usually believe that successful people may feel satisfied about their success, and have no more time or energy to take new things or take risks. However, I can hardly agree with them because the opinion they hold is just so subjective. And [and是连词,不要在句子开头用] I strongly believe that successful people will prefer taking new things. There are numerous reasons why I think about this, and I will explain a few of the nost[most] important ones.

First and foremost, successful people are usually more confidence [confident] and have the capitance [capitance? 我没有查到这个单词是什么意思.我想可能是你打错了吧.不过不熟悉的单词尽量还是不要用, 类似的情况出现在考场作文里还是挺尴尬的.] to try new things and take risks. Actually, I think most successful people are risk-takers. They are more creativity [→creative], and eager to try new things to make themselves more success [successful]. Frankly speaking, even they fail to get the goal that they proposed to achieve, it would not let them loss [→lose. loss是名词] much than people [^who] do not have the capital to invest.[这句你在做比较,也用了than,但是没有出现比较级.最好能重新写.] I can quote a common example. There is a cafe just near my house, offering good coffees and refreshments. It has [^a] good business there, but the boss still try [tries] to produce more kinds of foods such as juices [such as后面一般会至少列举两种东西,所以你看这里是不是要再补充一样新产品?]. This [→, which 可以适当的用些从句] is really a good idea, and make [→makes] him more success [→successful](其实这里可以说brings him more customers,侧面反应了他/她的生意成功). However, if the new products aren't popular by students, they will cost lot [最后这句话在某中程度上削弱了你的论据,最好删掉].

In the second place, New [new] things means [→mean] lots of opportunities, and successful people know well about it. So they may try new things again and again to achieve the goal and make themselves more success [→successful]. Things change, so we must keep learning to make ourselves adapt to the socialty's [→society’s]change [这句语病比较严重.可以考虑用keep pace with重写]. And it also means you have more chance [→chances] to do things quicker or [→and] better than others.

What is more, if successful people do not take new things, they may loss [lose] a lot of chances, and may not success [→succeed .success是名词.]with in [→within] a short period.

From what has been discussed above, we may finally draw the conclusion that successful people prefer taking risks to doing[do] things without changes [最后这句结尾是不是有点矛盾? 尝试new things怎么会没有改变呢?].

首先,lz勇气可嘉.敢把自己的作文拿出来让别人看,就已经在作文提高的路上前进一大步了[我自己是不喜欢主动把作文拿给别人看的-__-b].结构不错.开头点明观点,依次下来三个分段围绕主题讨论,最后收尾.思路还是很清晰的.观点的内容也都不错,语言结构虽然有些简单,但基本上理解起来不会有障碍,总的来说还是比较流畅的.不过,不知道你是否注意到,你的文章排版看上去就给人头重脚轻的感觉.而实际上,文章的确也有些虎头蛇尾.结尾最好能再长一些.

其次, 说理太多,例子不够.如果在考场发现时间来不及了,就算砍掉一个理由,最好也不要像你现在这篇文章一样,后面两个都只是泛泛一说.

最后,语法问题比较严重.有些是小问题,是不细心造成的,比如主谓一致.最好能在写作完毕之后留点时间检查语法和typo.另外,在你的文章中多次出现了应该用形容词的地方用成了名词.该用动词的地方用成了名词.而且这些词其实都还挺常见的.这种低级错误在考试里是致命的(会给人感觉你的语法非常糟糕).希望你在接下来的准备当中能注意避免.如果都是因为粗心造成的,以后要注意了.如果是本身语法基础不好,最好能在考前看看语法.版内精华区是能找得到的.

不晓得你5月哪天考,至少应该还有两周时间.仍然有很大的上升空间,希望能坚持练习,而且写一篇是一篇, 不要贪图量.就拿这一篇来说,最好能再多花些时间重新写一遍. 然后等文章成型以后,今后就按照自己固定的写作模式练习,这样在考场上也能节省很多时间.
good luck~~

[ 本帖最后由 lintelle 于 2008-4-20 05:11 编辑 ]

hyacinthUID：2184492

汗...本来我修改的地方都用绿色区别开来了,怎么发出来就全成黑色的了...调了好几次都改不过来...郁闷...:mad

lz不好意思啊, 麻烦你将就着看下好了...-____-b

js_brandoUID：2445759

嗯，真的非常感谢。
的确，我语法很不好的:vomit: ，而且限时间就比较慌，大部分按照感觉写的。

幸好没调成绿色的，不然一打开我一看见一篇绿的心都碎了，^_^

时间这么紧迫，不过也着急不来了～按照你的建议再好好准备
尽人事，听天命，哎

js_brandoUID：2445759

It is a matter of course that successful people may have a higher life standard than the poor. As such, people usually believe that they may satisfied about their conditions and do not want to try new things or take risks. However, I can hardly agree with them because their opinions are so subjective. There are numerous reasons why I do not agree with them, and I will explain a few of the most important ones.

First and the foremost, successful people usually face stiffer competition. So they may more eager to try new things, because they know well that new things means not only risks, but also opportunities which can bring them wealth and success. I can quote a common example. There is a café near my college, offering coffees and refreshments for a normal price. I treat the boss as a successful person because his café always has a lot of customers. But surely the boss do not satisfied about this. He still tries to offer more products such as juices and cheeses. This is really a good idea and brings him more customers.

In addition to this, I believe that most successful people are risk-takers.  They usually wealthier than us and are enable to absorb losses more easily. Frankly speaking, I even think this is the main reason why successful people are easier to get opportunities and become more successful and wealthy. A modem example of this is the Tencent Company. Initially it just explored software for us to chat on line. This software really brings the company success and wealth. But this company does not stop. It explored new soft wares ceaselessly. Finally, the company became one of China’s most successful companies.

After understanding the reasoning above, it is quite safe now to say that successful people like taking risks. By doing this, they can keep pace with the social change and solid their success and wealth.

hyacinthUID：2184492

这篇修改的文章恐怕没有时间细细帮你改了. 我大致上读了一篇.新补充的例子也还满得体的. 以后再练习就可以按照这个结构和思路来写.

语法问题还是比较严重.其实重新写这一篇的时候可以不把时间卡的太紧, 既然是修改,就要尽量的把之前的错误尽可能的改掉. 而且常犯的语法错误,在写的时候你就要提醒自己.否则即使我给你指出来,你写的时候又忘了,还是不能提高的. 你主要还是谓语动词的用法比较突出.把语法书翻出来,好好看看这一部分.适当的也可以把语法书上的题目给做了.

10号考试,还有20天的时间, 语法虽然不能一下提高,尽量避免你现在经常犯的语法错误还是可行的.
而且即使这段时间内还是不能完整的写出3个例子也没关系, 就先努力把两个例子力所能及的写到最好, 这样也就不会有遗憾了.
加油!

js_brandoUID：2445759

嗯，谢谢～:loveliness: