第一次写，大家帮我改改啊！谢谢了！

clark3721UID: 2463868

025 It has recently been announced that a large shopping center may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

As my hometown is so remote from the city, and there is not any shopping center. Building a large shopping center will surely benefit us. Thus I can not agree any more to erect a large shopping center in my hometown. My reasons are illustrate follows:

Obviously, the establishment of a large shopping center certainly brings handy to local people, they can simultaneously gain the latest electronic stuff, fashion clothes as the citizen. In the past time during the spring festival a multitude of people have to spend 2 hours journey to the city to purchase commodities like food, gifts to celebrate the festival, it usually spend a whole day to done it. If you have too many things to buy and unfortunately miss the last bus you have to stay in the city. Now it will be history all contributing to the coming large shopping center.

Of course the large shopping center will also promote the economic level. Both the large shopping center and plenty of facilities around it will need great number of works, technician,  therefore lots of dwellers will have a salary job. It can increase the living standard and more family would have the capital to initiate their business, perhaps more parents could afford all of their children to high school or even college.

Admittedly, revenue will also increase due to the shopping center, the government could use the money to erect amenities like library, parks, schools, and many people can get benefits from it. Although some people argue the shopping center may break the quiet life and may cause pollution, whereas this situation could be monitored by the government and the tax from the shopping center could also used for protecting the environment.

All in all, if you can do without the dubious defect, you will swiftly find the large shopping center an provide you with the best that life can offer, accordingly,  it is not hard to draw the conclusion to welcome building a shopping center close to home
第一次写，痛苦啊:mad: :mad:  大家尽量拍啊！！！

[ 本帖最后由 clark3721 于 2008-4-26 21:09 编辑 ]

hyacinthUID: 2184492

As my hometown is so remote from the city, and there is not any shopping center. Building a large shopping center will surely benefit us. [开头两个句子有点句读问题.and连接的两个并列成分实际上都是你所说的原因,所以它都应该在as的分句里, As my hometown is so remote from the city and there is not any shopping center, building a large shopping center will surely benefit us] Thus I can not agree any more to erect a large shopping center in my hometown. My reasons are illustrate [→illustrated] follows [→as follows]:

Obviously, the establishment of a large shopping center certainly brings handy[bring sth to sb. handy是形容词] to local people,[ →”;” ,两个句子之间要么用and [= ;],but这种连接词连接,要么是从属关系.] they can simultaneously gain the latest electronic stuff, fashion clothes as the citizen. In the past time during the spring festival a multitude of people have to spend 2 [用two也就所打两个字符而已,不要偷懒.:o ] hours [→hours’] journey to the city to purchase commodities like food, gifts to celebrate the festival, it usually spend [spend用在这里不怎么合适.换成take.而且要用三单形式.] a whole day to done [→to do] it [同样的, 在这里,你仍然是用了两个简单句,没有任何的关联词,也不是从句.建议重写]. If you have too many things to buy and unfortunately miss the last bus you have to stay in the city. Now it will be history all contributing to the coming large shopping center.

Of course the large shopping center will also promote the economic level. Both the large shopping center and plenty of facilities around it [it指代什么?] will need great number of works, technician, therefore lots of dwellerswill have a salary job. It can increase the living standard and more family would have the capital to initiate their business, perhaps more parents could afford all of their children to high school or even college. [这句也一样,perhaps不是连词,不能连接两个句子]

Admittedly, revenue will also increase due to the shopping center, the government could use the money to erect amenities like library, parks, schools, and many people can get benefits from it. Although some people argue [^that] the shopping center may break the quiet life and may cause pollution, whereas this situation could be monitored by the government and the tax from the shopping center could also [^be] used for protecting the environment.

All in all, if you can do without the dubious defect,you will swiftly find the large shopping center an provide you[TONE]]with the best that life can offer, accordingly,  it is not hard to draw the conclusion to welcome building a shopping center close to home.[run on again.除了这个毛病外,绿色部分句子也不太通,provide你到底是打算用动词形式还是名词形式?]


词汇挺丰富的~~thumb up

两个问题比较严重.
第一,你文章的tone很混乱.有第二人称,也有第三人称.不管你选择了哪一种,一定要从一而终啊.:o
第二,run-on sentence过多.该用句号的时候就要用句号.:rolleyes: .至于什么是run-on sentence,看看下面这个链接的内容 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Run-on_sentence  . 你有空最好也能看看复合句的语法.

另外,缺少论据的道理说出来总是无法让人信服的.句式有点单一, 模板的痕迹也过于明显了点.

至于这个题目我想说说.现在独立写作的题目已经超出了原先的185的范围,当然也不是说185就没有练习的必要,只是觉得练习JJ里的题目可以更好的熟悉iBT独立写作题目的风格,针对性更强一点.;d:

第一篇作文就写了这么多字还是很不容易的. 加油~~;d:

clark3721UID: 2463868

谢谢版主啊！继续努力:D