下周就要考了，请大家帮忙看看作文，谢谢！

小蟹子UID: 2310627

Topic: People listen to music for different reasons and at different times. Why is music important to many people?

My essay:
I do not know how and why music emerged in the world. But I can imagine the scene in which ancient people work in the forest with happily tones. Maybe since then, music has become a wonderful way to express personal emotion and share with others. In another word, in my opinion, this is the first reason why music is so popular in all over the world up to now.

It is music that helps people express their own thinking and feeling without a word. For the composers, they can create now pieces of composition as a manifestation of what they see and what they experience. And for ordinary people, who do not know how to make music, they can choose to listen to different kind of music, achieving this goal. No matter you are sad or happy, upset or quiet, you would all find related music corresponding to.

However, sometimes in converse, instead of an honest expression of people’s feeling, music will make control of people’s emotion. The national song inspires people’s love to their motherland; war progress encourages soldiers to fight bravely; church music leads people to a peaceful world. Though they are come from different places with various experiences, they come to the uniform in emotion with the help of music. This is the reason why music is widely used when people are holding on some activities such as parties, elections, balls and so on.

Another fascinating appeal of music is that, it can tell stories. Such as books, music is also a record of human history and a memoir of numerous generations. A lot can be learned from various music. In different period of the history, distinct life styles and cultures make distinct music, from which not only can we share the emotion with the author, but also learn the characteristic of that society. Besides, even in the modern songs, narrative method is often used, especially in pop music and country music.

Therefore, music needs no longer wondering why is loved by numerous people since the old age to now, as a form of art which can express the emotion of the composers and listeners, which can influence listeners with its tone and content, which can tell people about the history and others’ story.

小蟹子UID: 2310627

求拍！自己先顶一下！

hyacinthUID: 2184492

17号考吗?

小蟹子UID: 2310627

是啊！

168088UID: 2369627

觉得语言很美。。但看下来又觉得没有什么很detail的东西。这个题也不怎么好举力。。菜鸟的个人见解

小蟹子UID: 2310627

我也觉得不好举例，不过不光这篇，我的所有的作文都几乎是干巴巴的叙述……

hyacinthUID: 2184492

既然你自己都这样说, 举例应该就是提高你作文分数的突破点.

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-834297-1-1.html
这篇文章的例子举得很不错, 用的就是生活中的例子, 你可以看看别人是怎么举例子的
;d:

若不介意,能否告诉我你前两次的作文分数吗? :)

hyacinthUID: 2184492

I do not know how and why music emerged in the world. But I can imagine the scene in which ancient people work in the forest with happily [happy] tones. Maybe since then, music has become a wonderful way to express personal emotion and share with others. In another word, in my opinion, this is the first reason why music is so popular in all over the world up to now.

It is music that helps people express their own thinking and feeling without [^saying]a word [I wonder what are lyrics supposed to be? They are not part of music? :confused: ]. For the composers, they can create now pieces of composition as a manifestation of what they see and what they experience. And ['and' is a conjunction. you'd better not put it at the beginning of a sentence.] for ordinary people, who do not know how to make music, they can choose to listen to different kind [kinds] of music, achieving this goal [who? what goal? :confused: ]. No matter you are sad or happy, upset or quiet, you would all find related music corresponding to [ :(...你可以考虑用represent来重写这个句子 ].

However, sometimes in converse, instead of an honest expression of people’s feeling, music will make control of people’s emotion[这句好疙瘩呀]. The national song inspires people’s love to their motherland; war progress [ :confused: war progress是什么? ] encourages soldiers to fight bravely; church music leads people to a peaceful world. Though they [who are this "they"?:confused: ] are [删去. 一个句子里两个谓语动词真的是会打起来的...:o ] come from different places with various experiences, they come to the uniform in emotion [:confused: ] with the help of music. This is the reason why music is widely used when people are holding on some activities such as parties, elections, balls and so on.

Another fascinating appeal of music is that, it can tell stories. Such as [→Like] books, music is also a record of human history and a memoir of numerous generations. A lot can be learned from various music. In different period of the history, distinct life styles and cultures make distinct music, from which not only can we share the emotion with the author, but also learn the characteristic of that society.[这里你真的其实可以更具体一点.a lot can be learned from various music,我平时经常听朋克和金属,你能告诉我从这两种里你学到了什么吗? 或者pop/country music? 我很顽固,很死脑筋...:o ...你不给出细节, 我是不会被你说服的...:rolleyes:  ] Besides, even in the modern songs, narrative method is often used, especially in pop music and country music.

Therefore, music needs no longer wondering why is loved by numerous people since the old age to now[:( ], as a form of art which can express the emotion of the composers and listeners, which can influence listeners with its tone and content, which can tell people about the history and others’ story. [as后面的几个小分句写得很漂亮,可是前面的music needs …to now实在不能算是严格的英文]

虽然你马上要考试了,不应该说打击你的话.
但是我要批评你一下.:o :rolleyes:  你已经考了两次iBT, 但是从这篇文章里看, 我觉得你对作文似乎没有很上心.起码没有针对自己的薄弱环节进行练习,你自己都说你的文章干巴巴的了.

不过你的文章里找不到模板的痕迹. 表扬一下.;d:
还有一点我满困惑的,你的这篇文章句子和句子的差异很大,有的很地道,有的就不怎么通畅.

en,总的来说,文章结构没问题,就是一些具体的措辞让人很费解,还有文章的elaboration不够.
最后这段时间里,多想想怎么举例子, 前面一个回复里我也给了你一篇例子用得不错的文章.
加油~~距离考试还有好几天,仍然是可以提高的~~:) ;d:

小蟹子UID: 2310627

好的，多谢！
一次18，一次24，不过第二次是综合写作分数比较高，独立写作只得了个“Fair”。

小蟹子UID: 2310627

虽然你马上要考试了,不应该说打击你的话.
——谢谢……
但是我要批评你一下.   你已经考了两次iBT, 但是从这篇文章里看, 我觉得你对作文似乎没有很上心.起码没有针对自己的薄弱环节进行练习,你自己都说你的文章干巴巴的了.
——听力问题也比较大，主要都放在那上面了。你这一说我觉得也是好像是没有用心准备……如果早写早贴出来就好了

不过你的文章里找不到模板的痕迹. 表扬一下.
——主要是因为背不过，而且不知道怎么用……
还有一点我满困惑的,你的这篇文章句子和句子的差异很大,有的很地道,有的就不怎么通畅.
——说真的，我自己看不出来自己文章里什么样的是地道的什么样的不通顺，不知道楼主怎么练就这个功夫的？

en,总的来说,文章结构没问题,就是一些具体的措辞让人很费解,还有文章的elaboration不够.
最后这段时间里,多想想怎么举例子, 前面一个回复里我也给了你一篇例子用得不错的文章.
——我会好好学习一下的！

加油~~距离考试还有好几天,仍然是可以提高的~~  
——实在多谢楼主这么认真的修改，非常感谢！

hyacinthUID: 2184492

部分出现:confused:  :( 的地方都是需要改进的...

也不是说不通畅,我的意思是有的句子明显看上去就是中文的直接翻译,chinglish.就拿那个war progress来说,它到底是什么?
我没有特别的练过,只是用英语写东西的时候一般不会用中文先构思. 然后在阅读里看到好句子就记下来,改写一下用到自己的文章里.

小蟹子UID: 2310627

先把语言改了一下，斑竹提出的很多地方自己读多了也开始觉得不对了。不过还有几处有点疑问~~如果有时间请斑竹再帮忙看一下，谢谢！（不知道回帖怎么改字体颜色？本来在word里是有颜色的，贴过来就没有了）例子我再想一想。

I do not know how and why music emerged in the world. But I can imagine the scene in which ancient people work in the forest with happily [happy] tones. Maybe since then, music has become a wonderful way to express personal emotion and share with others. In another word, in my opinion, this is the first reason why music is so popular in all over the world up to now.

It is music that helps people express their own thinking and feeling besides words [I wonder what are lyrics supposed to be? They are not part of music?  ]. For the composers, they can create now pieces of composition as a manifestation of what they see and what they experience. ['and' is a conjunction. you'd better not put it at the beginning of a sentence.] For ordinary people, who do not know how to make music, they can choose to listen to different kind [kinds] of music, achieving this goal [who? what goal?   as a manifestation of what they see and what they experience应该怎么表达呢？]. No matter you are sad or happy, upset or quiet, you would all find related music corresponding to [  ...你可以考虑用represent来重写这个句子 ]. ->Happiness or sadness, quietness or upset, can all be represented with music.

However, music will act sometimes as a control of people’s emotion, instead of an honest expression of people’s feeling [这句好疙瘩呀]. The national song inspires people’s love to their motherland; military march [  war progress是什么? 要表达的是进行曲，不知这次改对了没有] encourages soldiers to fight bravely; church music leads people to a peaceful world. Though [who are this "they"?:confused: ][删去. 一个句子里两个谓语动词真的是会打起来的...  ] come from different places with various experiences, they come to the uniform in emotion [:confused: 感情一致，不对吗？] with the help of music. This is the reason why music is widely used when people are holding on some activities such as parties, elections, balls and so on.

Another fascinating appeal of music is that, it can tell stories. Such as [→Like] books, music is also a record of human history and a memoir of numerous generations. A lot can be learned from various music. In different period of the history, distinct life styles and cultures make distinct music, from which not only can we share the emotion with the author, but also learn the characteristic of that society.[这里你真的其实可以更具体一点.a lot can be learned from various music,我平时经常听朋克和金属,你能告诉我从这两种里你学到了什么吗? 或者pop/country music? 我很顽固,很死脑筋...  ...你不给出细节, 我是不会被你说服的...   ] Besides, even in the modern songs, narrative method is often used, especially in pop music and country music.

Therefore, it does not need to doubt any more why music is loved by numerous people for generations[  ], as a form of art which can express the emotion of the composers and listeners, which can influence listeners with its tone and content, which can tell people about the history and others’ story. [as后面的几个小分句写得很漂亮,可是前面的music needs …to now实在不能算是严格的英文]