火箭小组 第二次作业 issue130

babyface1124UID: 2494668

130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
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The speaker assumes society’s future hinges on how children are socialized. Furthermore, we do not raise children in a proper way to develop such quality that lead to a better society. After scrunity of those claims, I find it, seemingly appealing in some respects, however, to be an undue emphasis on socialization.

I concede that socialization is an important factor in children’s development. Any psychologist would point out the critical role of socialization in children’s understanding of themselves and the outside world. Also empirical experiences provide us numerous examples to support this notion. In kidgarden, through playing games with other children, we gradually learn how to get along and cooperate others, how to deal conflicts with those we are not compatible with and how to assertive ourselves in a group in respectful ways. Such social skills will continue to be of high value through our life journey when interation with our friends, relatives, superiors and subordinators and so on. Lack sufficient healthy communication with others, children might face great challenge in mental health condition—let alone to bring out a better society.

However, socialization is not the only and most important determinent in children’s prospects. Undue emphasis on socialzation while neglection on other features will carry deleterious consequences in end. We should not deny the fact that born with diverse characristic, children perform distinctively and have different strongsides, which mirrors the multiaspects of community. If all the children are brought up and required in one standard, their instinction and inhesion, accordingly, are cruely ingored, moreover, our society’s well-being will be open to doubt. Consider certain mathmatican, Nash, who was stunted in interaction with others since childhood, showed incomparable genius in science especially the realm of mathmatics and economy and established the foundation of game theroy. His lack of interaction with others, to great extent, left him more time to observation and logically thinking, also did not matter his outstanding work which has staggering impact on society. In short,  besides socialization, other qualities and instinctions such as raw intellect, persistance and devotion also accounts people’s achievements to society.

Then turning to the second claim concerning the improper way that we raise our children, I cannot agree on the basis of facts proving that we are toward a better society—a more civilized, respectful and cooperative one. Globalization on diverse human aspects is a clear sign of my point. When it comes to education, we have much more international exchange activities such as international students and official or unofficial visits than ever before in history, which bridge the culure gap--better understanding and acceptance of those who hold varied attitudes, views, goals and practices. And with respect to science research, wordwide cooperation fighting with Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome is a good example to menifest that now we deal faced problems with jointly research data and results. Also in the mission of peace-keeping and enviornment-keeping, we conform to the international treaties with accordance. Adimittedly, we still have some and other limitations to solve. Yet, on the whole, we are on the way to better society with the effort of civilized morden people.

In sum, I fudamentally disagree with speakers’ dual claims that overstate the role of socialization in society, at best, and unlogically assume the poor education on children. For the reason, much more qualities do more with society’s well-being than socialization. Undue attention on socialization, nevertheless, will has negative effect on children. In addition I am optimistic about the education on our children because of the increasingly civilized society.

[ 本帖最后由 babyface1124 于 2008-6-8 19:37 编辑 ]

cloudwind-greUID: 2462220

        The speaker assumes society’s future hinges on how children are socialized. Furthermore, we do not raise children in a proper way to develop such quality that lead to a better society. After scrunity （scrutiny）of those claims, I find it, seemingly appealing in some respects, however, to be an undue emphasis on socialization.
             I concede that socialization is an important factor in children’s development. Any psychologist would point out the critical role of socialization in children’s understanding of themselves and the outside world. Also empirical experiences provide us numerous examples to support this notion. In kidgarden (kindergarten), through playing games with other children, we gradually learn how to get along and cooperate others, how to deal conflicts with those we are not compatible with and how to assertive ourselves in a group in respectful ways. Such social skills will continue to be of high value through our life journey when interation (interacting) with our friends, relatives, superiors and subordinators (subordinate,subordinator是“主从连词”的意思) and so on. Lack （Lacking）sufficient healthy communication with others, children might face great challenge in mental health condition—let alone to bring out a better society.
              However, socialization is not the only and most important determinent (determinant) in children’s prospects. Undue emphasis on socialzation (socialization) while neglection (neglecting) on (不要on) other features will carry deleterious consequences in end. We should not deny the fact that born with diverse characristic (characteristics), children perform distinctively and have different strongsides (strong sides), which mirrors the multiaspects (好像没这种说法) of community. If all the children are brought up and required in one standard, their instinction （instinct）and inhesion, accordingly, are cruely (cruelly) ingored (ignored), moreover, our society’s well-being will be open to doubt. （在这时之前说的是如果孩子都以同样的方式培养对我们的社会不利，后面举的例子是说其它因素也会起作用，明显例子不是用来证明前面一句的，可以考虑改变句子位置，可省略上一句）Consider certain mathmatican (mathematician), Nash, who was stunted in interaction with others since childhood, showed incomparable genius in science especially the （in the）realm of mathmatics (mathematics) and economy and (he) established the foundation of game theory (theory). His lack of interaction with others, to great extent, left him more time to observation and logically thinking, also did not matter his outstanding work which has staggering impact on society. In short, besides socialization, other qualities and instinctions  (instinct) such as raw intellect, persistance (persistence) and devotion also accounts people’s achievements to society.
           Then turning to the second claim concerning the improper way that we raise our children, I cannot agree on the basis of facts proving that we are toward a better society—a more civilized, respectful and cooperative one. Globalization on diverse human aspects is a clear sign of my point. When it comes to education, we have much more international exchange activities such as international students and official or unofficial visits than ever before in history, which bridge the culure (culture) gap--better understanding and acceptance of those who hold varied attitudes, views, goals and practices. And with respect to science research, wordwide (worldwide) cooperation fighting with Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome is a good example to manifest (manifest) that now we deal faced problems with jointly research data and results. Also in the mission of peace-keeping and enviornment-keeping (environment-keeping), we conform to the international treaties with accordance. Adimittedly (admittedly), we still have some and other limitations to solve. Yet, on the whole, we are on the way to better society with the effort of civilized morden (modern) people.
               In sum, I fudamentally (fundamental) disagree with speakers’ dual claims that overstate the role of socialization in society, at best, and unlogically (illogically) assume the poor education on children. For the reason, much more qualities do more with society’s well-being than socialization. Undue attention on socialization, nevertheless, will has negative effect on children. In addition I am optimistic about the education on our children because of the increasingly civilized society.

用了很多Argument的句型，
语言与词汇都很丰富，句试变化多端，用了很多专业术语，非常好！
还是老缺点，在用了很多好词的同时也拼错了很多单词。

[ 本帖最后由 cloudwind-gre 于 2008-6-9 10:14 编辑 ]

babyface1124UID: 2494668

改的那么仔细~~谢谢啊 我要在单词上下功夫了，WORD安一个能个改错的 自己练习的时候先对了 注意老错的单词

serene777UID: 2478926

The speaker assumes society’s future hinges（ing） on how children are socialized. Furthermore, (这个furthermore有点大，and就行了)we do not raise children in a proper way to develop such quality that lead to a better society. After scrunity of those claims, I find it, seemingly appealing in some respects, however, to be an undue emphasis on socialization.I concede that socialization is an important factor in children’s development. Any psychologist would point out the critical role of socialization in children’s understanding of themselves and the outside world. Also empirical experiences provide us （with）numerous examples to support this notion. In kidgarden, through playing games with other children, we gradually learn how to get along and cooperate others, how to deal conflicts with those we are not compatible with and how to assertive ourselves in a group in respectful ways. Such social skills will continue to be of high value through our life journey when interation with our friends, relatives, superiors and subordinators and so on. Lack sufficient healthy communication with others, children might face great challenge in mental health condition—let alone to bring out a better society.(例子不错，语法错误就一一改了~~)However, socialization is not the only and most important determinent in children’s prospects. Undue emphasis on socialzation while neglection on other features will carry deleterious consequences in end. We should not deny the fact that born with diverse characristic, children perform distinctively and have different strongsides, which mirrors the multiaspects of community. If all the children are brought up and required in one standard, their instinction and inhesion, accordingly, are cruely ingored, moreover, our society’s well-being will be open to doubt.（观点值得学习） Consider certain mathmatican, Nash, who was stunted in interaction with others since childhood, showed incomparable genius in science especially the realm of mathmatics and economy and established the foundation of game theroy. His lack of interaction with others, to great extent, left him more time to observation and logically thinking, also did not matter his outstanding work which has staggering impact on society. In short,  besides socialization, other qualities and instinctions such as raw intellect, persistance and devotion also accounts people’s achievements to society.Then turning to the second claim concerning the improper way that we raise our children（过渡）, I cannot agree on the basis of facts proving that we are toward a better society—a more civilized, respectful and cooperative one. Globalization on diverse human aspects is a clear sign of my point. When it comes to education, we have much more international exchange activities such as international students and official or unofficial visits than ever before in history, which bridge the culure gap--better understanding and acceptance of those who hold varied attitudes, views, goals and practices. And with respect to science research, wordwide cooperation fighting with Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome is a good example to menifest that now we deal faced problems with jointly research data and results. Also in the mission of peace-keeping and enviornment-keeping, we conform to the international treaties with accordance. Adimittedly, we still have some and other limitations to solve. Yet, on the whole, we are on the way to better society with the effort of civilized morden people.In sum, I fudamentally disagree with speakers’ dual claims that overstate the role of socialization in society, at best, and unlogically assume the poor education on children. For the reason, much more qualities do more with society’s well-being than socialization. Undue attention on socialization, nevertheless, will has negative effect on children. In addition I am optimistic about the education on our children because of the increasingly civilized society.
最后一段单纯的总结了全文的观点。如果能拽几句insightful的话就更好啦。  
整体来说逻辑很清楚，也有转折，但是语法和表达削弱了这篇文章。例子举得都在点上。加油加油~~