托福作文练习一（harrykia求拍ing）

harrykiaUID: 2409057

TOPIC: Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reason and examples to support your opinion.

My composition:
     While some young adults would like to live with their parents, other ones pursue their own independence from their parents. As the famous saying goes, every coin have two sides, it is obvious that both situation above would have their positive and negative effects to individual or society. Anyway, I would prefer to support the situation that young adults should be more independent to acclimate the social development and pursue their own happiness of life.
     The social phenomenon that young adults rely on their elderly parents’ economical support refusing to find a job after their graduation, now arouses plenty of critics and attentions. There are a group of young adults classified as the group of “eating elderly” by social researchers in China especially in Taiwan. Lack of adequate independence and reluctance to undertake their accountability, which result from the compensation of and spoil by their parents who had experienced the difficulties in their early life, would either prevent them from pursuing their own future goals and development or hinder our country’s advancement and aggravate social burden.
       This is why I sit beside by the situation of that. Furthermore, independence, the most essential part of our racial virtues, should be involved in our education system for encouraging our young adult to face and solve their problem individually and creatively. No matter their parents, the school they study in and the surrounding they live in, should run their own role relatively and complementarily.
       However, independent should not be motivated to be indifferent to their parents and separated for the society connection. The US, where encourage freedom of individual innovation and democratic independence, have to face the social problems that the young adults abandon their parents and won’t care their life anymore after they have obtained their own financial support. It would lead to the unstable social connection and strong anxiety between them.
       The young adults must be encouraged to pursue their own independence and freedom but not rely on their elderly parent. And it is also important that young adult should undertake their responsibility to reefed their parent and care their happiness both physical and psychological.

[ 本帖最后由 harrykia 于 2008-7-19 21:44 编辑 ]

harrykiaUID: 2409057

怎么没有人来拍我的作文呢？顶一下~

harrykiaUID: 2409057

注：
文章中心较明确，措词较好，多数语言比较优美。
但是，有些句子结构过于复杂，难以理解；有些错词还须斟酌。
红色部分是我改正的，括号中是你的原文内容，蓝色部分是难以理解的部分。
While some young adults would like to live with their parents, others (other ones) tend to pursue their own independence (from their parents). As the famous saying goes, every coin has (have) two sides, it is obvious that both situations above would have their positive and negative effects on (to) individuals or society. Anyway, I would prefer to support the idea (situation) that young adults should be more independent to acclimate the social development and pursue their own happiness of life.
   The social phenomenon that young adults who rely on their elderly parents’ economic(al) support refuse to apply for (find) a job after graduation, now arouses plenty of critics and attention(s). There are a group of young adults classified as the group of “eating elderly” by social researchers in China especially in Taiwan. Lack of adequate independence and reluctant (reluctance) to undertake their accountability, which results from the compensation of?? and spoiling by their parents who (had) experienced the difficulties in their early life, (subject) would either prevent them from pursuing their own future goals and development or hinder our country’s advancement and aggravate social burden.
This is why I sit on the side of (beside by) the situation (of that). Furthermore, independence, the most essential part of our racial virtues, should be involved in our education system to encourage (for encouraging) our young adults to face and solve their problem individually and creatively. No matter their parents, the school they study in and the surrounding they live in, should play (run) their own roles relatively and complementarily.
However, independence (independent) should not be motivated to be indifferent to their parents and separated from (for) the society (connection). The US, who (where) encourages freedom of individual innovation and democratic independence, have to face the social problems that the young adults abandon their parents and won’t care their life any more after they have obtained their own financial support. It would lead to the unstable social connection and strong anxiety between them.
The young adults must be incurred to pursue their own independence and freedom but not rely on their elderly parents. And it is also important that young adults should undertake their responsibility to reefed their parents and care their happiness both physically and psychologically.

老师改过的作文

cai5582UID: 2261123

While some young adults would like to live with their parents, other ones pursue their own independence from their parents. As the famous saying goes, every coin have two sides, it is obvious that both situation above would have their positive and negative effects to individual or society. Anyway, I would prefer to support the situation that young adults should be more independent to acclimate the social development and pursue their own happiness of life.
     The social phenomenon that young adults who rely on their elderly parents’ economical support refusing(refuse) to find a job after their graduation(graduations)(这个句子我觉得读得不是很顺), now arouses plenty of critics and attentions. There are a group of young adults classified as the group of “eating elderly” by social researchers in China especially in Taiwan. Lack of adequate independence and reluctance to undertake their accountability, which result from the compensation of and spoil(spoiled) by their parents who had experienced the difficulties in their early life, would either prevent them from pursuing their own future goals and development or hinder our country’s advancement and aggravate social burden(我觉得这个句子太长了 读了不是很顺 看了半天还是不知道怎么改).x0@ ] ()
       This is why I sit beside by the situation of that. Furthermore, independence, the most essential part of our racial virtues, should be involved in our education system for encouraging our young adult to face and solve their problem individually and creatively. No matter(用这个好像不恰当besides) their parents, the school（s） they study in and the surrounding they live in, should run their own role relatively and complementarily.
       However, independent should not be motivated to be indifferent to their parents and separated for the society connection. The US, where encourage(where不能做主语吧) freedom of individual innovation and democratic independence, have（has） to face the social problems that the young adults abandon their parents and won’t care their life anymore after they have obtained their own financial support. It would lead to the unstable social connection and strong anxiety between them.(U Y%d        j!C U*`1V9y5F ?
       The young adults must be encouraged to pursue their own independence and freedom but not rely on their elderly parent. And it is also important that young adult should undertake their responsibility to reefed(?) their parent and care their happiness both physical and psychological.
第一次改别人的作文是在是不会改 有错的地方别见怪啊
我觉得LZ会不会长句用太多了啊。。。

harrykiaUID: 2409057

之前狂看了GRE的作文，所以有点后遗症，就是长句写得太多了

kanzoUID: 2418325

强烈建议看看许轶的挑战toefl作文满分，真的很好！