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[i习作temp] [最初的梦想]Issue130~社会化和教育,求拍,有拍必回 [复制链接]

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发表于 2008-10-21 21:33:44 |显示全部楼层
Issue130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

To clear the inner relationship between the better society and the degree of socialized that today’s children being is to answer a series of questions about socialized education.

<Today, when our educators are wandering among the various education systems and are confused about the effect of every education revolution, our society is yet facing an unprecedented impact brought by our high-socialized children. As a large amount of talented teenagers is gushing to this big stage, our society, to show their energy and new ideas of promoting a better society, a decline in moral among our children and even juvenile delinquencies also hit the adult world. In virtue of the technology development, it is undoubted that the children living in today is most socialized than any generations in human being’s history. However, does the destiny of society indeed is due to the degree of socialized today’s children being? Have we already had education method which is good enough to raise a promising high-socialized generation? And most importantly, where is our society led to ultimately by these high-socialized children?>

In virtue of the technology development and modern socialized education system, it is undoubted that the children living in today is most socialized than any generations in human being’s history. When our educators are wandering between whether or not to stick our socialized education system and are confused about the effect of every education revolution, our society is yet facing an unprecedented impact brought by our high-socialized children. As a large amount of talented teenagers is gushing to this big stage, our society, to show their energy and new ideas of promoting a better society, a decline in moral among our children and even juvenile delinquencies also hit the adult world. However, does the destiny of society indeed is due to the degree of socialized today’s children being? Have we already had education method which is good enough to raise a promising high-socialized generation? And most importantly, where is our society led to ultimately by these high-socialized children?

Just click the IE icon and login into your Facebook, and then your social network is clear at a glance. The success of the Facebook recently tells us such a truth: to some extent, each person in this society concern about their socialization which is about their status in this society and reflects their life. So do our children! Socialization, an important character a child must equip with, determines the ability of a child to communicate with their peers and the rest of this world. It is a bridge connecting our children with this society. Thereby we must realize that today any individual cannot survive in a separated environment. And it is fate for each child to step into this society no matter whether he or she is willing to do so. Seung-Hui Cho, a VirginiaTech student for an opposite instance, killed thirty-two people and wounded many others before committing suicide in April 2007. He was described as a person who is dissocialized as well as selective mutism. Lacking the connection with the society and fundamental appreciates from his peers; Cho gradually developed an abnormal mentality and was filled with hatred of the wealth and the society which led him to the road to perdition. Cho’s case is just an individual tragedy. However, if today’s children are all without socialization, we can predict that tomorrow’s society will become one lacking communication and cooperation, which will finally play a terminator of human’s civilization.

<Despite the huge tragedy brought by Cho as well as other juvenile delinquencies, which often depress our educators; the reality of today’s education is not as bad as the speaker asserts. Nowadays when we refer to “a better society”, an abstraction which may not have yet an exact definition, we often relate it with an imagination of a world which is more comprehensive, more democratic and more respectful to all its citizens and their cultures. In fact, look back to the past decades; our society is walking towards a better future. Benefiting from the advancement of our communication technology, the intercourse among people from different areas is more and more convenient. This situation is also applied to our children, who have already been used to utilizing their mobile phones and internet with ease to talk with their connections, friends and even the strangers on-line. And the traditionally significant role of family in children’s growing environment has obviously ebbed. Meanwhile the modern education which advocates training students’ abilities of self-expression, leadership and teamwork is aim to raise an outstanding generation completely different with their elders. And our open society is providing unheard-of opportunities with our children to make their words and rights influencing. Michael Sessions, the youngest mayor in the history of United States, is a good example from our currently high-socialized education. Even though there are many arguments about his election in his only eighteen years old, his success encourages his peers with the same aspiration to catch up their dream and proves that the age will never be a problem.>


Despite the huge tragedy brought by Cho as well as other juvenile delinquencies, which often depress our educators; the reality of today’s education is not as bad as the speaker asserts. Nowadays when we refer to “a better society”, an abstraction which may not have yet an exact definition, we often relate it with an imagination of a world which is more comprehensive, more democratic and more respectful to all its citizens and their cultures. In fact, look back to the past decades; our society is walking towards a better future and our socialized education plays a positive effect on this course. Benefiting from the advancement of our communication technology, our children have already been used to utilizing their mobile phones and internet with ease to talk with their connections, friends and even the strangers on-line. And the traditionally significant role of family education on children’s growth has obviously ebbed. Meanwhile the modern school education which advocates training students’ abilities of self-expression, leadership and teamwork is working more and more significantly on children’s growing. And our open society is also providing unheard-of opportunities with our children to make their words and rights influencing. Michael Sessions, the youngest mayor in the history of United States, is a good example from our currently high-socialized education. Even though there are many arguments about his election in his only eighteen years old, his success encourages his peers with the same aspiration to catch up their dream and proves that the age will never be a problem.

Never forget the experience from our history that we, human beings, will always keep going on in spite of those critical periods we have ever suffered. As the excellent backbone of today’s society has ever been doubted by their fathers, it is predictable that our children will ultimately shoulder their responsibilities to build a better society.

灰色部分是第一版
修改过的第二版是黑色部分


[ 本帖最后由 StrayCrow 于 2008-10-24 11:27 编辑 ]
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发表于 2008-10-22 00:27:44 |显示全部楼层
To clear the inner relationship between the better society and the degree of socialized that today’s children being is to answer a series of questions about socialized education.(这个就是开头?虽然很有北美的风范,还是多写几句写清楚些吧~我不是牛人所以不赞成这么写~)

Today, when our educators are wandering among the various education systems and are confused about the effect of every education revolution, our society is yet facing an unprecedented impact brought by our high-socialized children(开篇就说高度社会化了,和下面两段的论述有些不协调阿). As a large amount of talented teenagers is gushing to this big stage, our society, to show their energy and new ideas of promoting a better society, a decline in moral among our children and even juvenile delinquencies also hit the adult world.(赞阿!!) In virtue of the technology development, it is undoubted that the children living in today is most socialized than any generations in human being’s history. However, does the destiny of society indeed is due to the degree of socialized today’s children being? Have we already had education method which is good enough to raise a promising high-socialized generation? And most importantly, where is our society led to ultimately by these high-socialized children?(这段中心内容好像不是很清晰,是说孩子已经很社会化了,然后引出社会化对社会发展的意义?)

Just click the IE icon and login into your Facebook, and then your social network is clear at a glance(children也都有facebook帐号?). The success of the Facebook recently tells us such a truth: to some extent, each person in this society concern about their socialization which is about their status in this society and reflects their life. So do our children! Socialization, an important character a child should equip with, determines the ability of a child to communicate with their peers and the rest of this world(这句说的很好). It is a bridge connecting our children with this society. Thereby we must realize that today any individual cannot survive in a separated environment. And it is fate for each child to step into this society no matter whether he or she is willing to do so. Seung-Hui Cho, a VirginiaTech student for an opposite instance, killed thirty-two people and wounded many others before committing suicide in April 2007(不错,这个也能用到). He was described as a person who is dissocialized as well as selective mutism. Lacking the connection with the society and fundamental appreciates from his peers; Cho gradually developed an abnormal mentality and was filled with hatred of the wealth and the society which led him to the road to perdition.(这个有点极端了,毕竟他是个人心理问题,可以说,他的成长过程没有受到很全面的社会化教育) Cho’s case is just an individual tragedy. However, if today’s children are all without socialization, we can predict that tomorrow’s society will become one lacking communication and cooperation, which will finally play a terminator of human’s civilization.(这段是说社会化教育的重要性吧

Despite the huge tragedy brought by Cho as well as other juvenile delinquencies(赞阿), which often depress our educators; the reality of today’s education is not as bad as the speaker asserts. Nowadays when we refer to “a better society”, an abstraction which may not have yet an exact definition, we often relate it with an imagination of a world which is more comprehensive, more democratic and more respectful to all its citizens and their cultures. In fact, look back to the past decades; our society is walking towards a better future. Benefiting from the advancement of our communication technology, the intercourse among people from different areas is more and more convenient. This situation is also applied to our children, who have already been used to utilizing their mobile phones and internet with ease to talk with their connections, friends and even the strangers on-line. And the traditionally significant role of family in children’s growing environment has obviously ebbed(我觉得没有必要否定家庭教育的影响啊). Meanwhile the modern education which advocates training students’ abilities of self-expression, leadership and teamwork is aim to raise an outstanding generation completely different with their elders(对哦). And our open society is providing unheard-of opportunities with our children to make their words and rights influencing. Michael Sessions, the youngest mayor in the history of United States, is a good example from our currently high-socialized education. Even though there are many arguments about his election in his only eighteen years old, his success encourages his peers with the same aspiration to catch up their dream and proves that the age will never be a problem.(这段说我们的社会化教育已经很好了对吗?)

Never forget the experience from our history that we, human beings, will always keep going on in spite of those critical periods we have ever suffered. As the backbone of today’s society has ever been doubted by their fathers, our children will ultimately shoulder responsibility to build a better society.(这句话我没有看懂,汗阿)




无言了,这篇我也写过,感觉思想性跟你根本没法比  这篇快上6分了
本来我担心你TS不明确,但是看完你的文章觉得很流畅,对这个问题有豁然开朗的感觉。你很巧妙地把社会化的重要性和当今的社会化教育糅合在了一起,PFPF!!
唯一感觉不足的就是你在每段开头都用了较大篇幅说成人世界怎样,然后说孩子的教育也一样,让我感觉有些避重就轻了,不过读完之后觉得很有道理。如果每段的条理更清晰些就好了。  开头结尾,还是多写几句吧?

你能不能把你的逻辑提纲列出来给我学习下阿?我对这篇还是不知道该如何下手呢!
我一般会这么写:
1孩子的社会化教育很重要------主要从社会和谐,交往合作,融入社会的方面来说
2如果不重视社会化教育,会带来很严重的后果,比如青少年犯罪,比如心理问题
3但是也不必太担心,我们的教育系统现在已经很全面了。比如学校很重视孩子的团结合作精神,学生社团,学生会,学生心理辅导。现在的孩子融入社会也早,比如很早就在facebook上建立关系网,积极地做志愿者,兼职工作。

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发表于 2008-10-22 00:33:31 |显示全部楼层
你的语言是咋练得这么出神入化的?士别三日,当刮目相看阿!!!!!!!!

你还是别cancel了,毕竟复习V也要花很长时间!别拖太久了!GPA也一样非常重要的!!

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发表于 2008-10-22 02:45:53 |显示全部楼层
你第一段就说现在的孩子已经非常socialized了...有点太强人了..
感觉放后还恰当一点~

你最后说这个社会一直在变好,但是这个一直在变好的社会好象跟孩子是否社会化关系不大~~

感觉你的逻辑顺序应该是已经
#证明了孩子社会化的重要性(第3段)
#然后说现在的孩子已经很社会化了(2)
#这个社会不管孩子是否社会化都是一直会前进的~~(4)
(不过这段后面你好象是在说在这样的SOCIETY使孩子变的更加SOCIETY了.~好象你的重心是在孩子身上的,不是孩子社会化对社会的作用,而是现在的社会对孩子社会化的影响,象是补充2的~)..

不知道我说的对不对~

我也觉得那个变态的例子也是不合适的.个人的事情毕竟不好说,如果说一个更普遍的社会现象或者一个群体会不会更恰当一点.
恩,比如说一些人为什么就业不好,选择继续教育的原因~

[ 本帖最后由 maomaozi 于 2008-10-22 04:34 编辑 ]
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firhaday + 20 多发表精品意见吧~ BTW,早些睡觉~PATPAT

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发表于 2008-10-22 08:55:15 |显示全部楼层

回复 #4 maomaozi 的帖子

你说得很好啊~
特别是这篇文章逻辑顺序 其实如你所说 很乱
我觉得你重新列的很不错
因为想稍微有点心意 所以我干脆就肯定到底 但是思路并不清晰

我觉得这个题目之所以难写 是因为 它后半部分和前半部分 跳跃性很大 我觉得甚至没什么太大关联
谈下关于这篇例子的问题
我觉得这篇例子很难很难找 我发觉gter的范文 几乎都没有具体例子
至多是一个模糊的例子 比方说 一个人 脱离了社会 会怎么怎么样 但是没有具体说这个人是谁
我个人写aw的观点是 例子尽量有出处 因为有名有姓的 比一个模糊的概念有说服力的多

这个例子的确很极端 但是我想在这里为这个例子argu一下
其实很多 校园枪击或者恐怖主义 都有很明显的反社会倾向
行凶者一般也都是 社会化的受害者 当然其自身因素对这种结果影响很大
我个人倒是觉得 这些人本身倒是值得同情的 可以说是社会化的牺牲品
只是由于他们的过激性 引起了更多无辜的人的悲剧

极端的例子其实很难体现一个社会存在的问题
好像有一个社会类issue话题就是关于 极端事件折射社会问题的
Cho是典型的 由于自身无法很好得融入这个社会 无法在这个社会寻求到认可
导致心理扭曲
特别是选择性缄默症 更是一种自身对社会的拒绝
我们必须意识到其实Cho的案例本身是有挽救余地的  倘若我们这个社会更关心这样一群特殊人群
比如心理教育 帮助他融入这个社会 得到认可 也许悲剧是可以避免的
所以我觉得从反面 能看出 社会化非常重要 脱离社会是会衍生出悲剧的
可能我的论证不是很好
所以没有能把这个例子用好吧 我再想想怎么改
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发表于 2008-10-22 09:06:00 |显示全部楼层

回复 #2 kingplough 的帖子

Today, when our educators are wandering among the various education systems and are confused about the effect of every education revolution, our society is yet facing an unprecedented impact brought by our high-socialized children(开篇就说高度社会化了,和下面两段的论述有些不协调阿).

是的 我似乎应该先论证一下~

It is a bridge connecting our children with this society. Thereby we must realize that today any individual cannot survive in a separated environment. And it is fate for each child to step into this society no matter whether he or she is willing to do so.

上面这句划绿色什么意思?

As the backbone of today’s society has ever been doubted by their fathers, our children will ultimately shoulder responsibility to build a better society.(这句话我没有看懂,汗阿)

莫非表达有问题 我想说得是正如现在社会的中坚力量也曾经被他们的父辈怀疑过一样,我们的孩子终将担负起一个建设更好的社会的责任 ~ 厄翻译成中文的确发现有问题 似乎少了一句 或者我想用社会的中坚力量来暗示 他们虽然曾经被怀疑  但是现在还不是成功了吗?


这篇我写了很久很久 花了一天构思 花了一天去写~~..........
我觉得issue唯一能够完美 不是在45分钟即兴写出来 而是在于写过大量文章后 但是能在45分钟复述出来
~~~~~~~~~

顺便提一句~ 出国也不是唯一目的 所以也想通过这个过程好好练练英语
读完master再出去也是可以考虑的 国内还是有一些学校的一些专业 对我吸引力 超过了 直接to us
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发表于 2008-10-22 09:09:21 |显示全部楼层

回复 #4 maomaozi 的帖子

顺便问一下 你什么时候考阿
我觉得你也可以尝试着去写一篇
练笔还是和评论有很大区别
不过你可以尽可能花时间把一篇文章写完美再贴出来 如果时间宽裕的话:loveliness:
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发表于 2008-10-22 09:42:48 |显示全部楼层

回复 #7 StrayCrow 的帖子

同意~呵呵:loveliness:

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发表于 2008-10-22 10:27:59 |显示全部楼层
我又重新看了一遍自己的文章
我重新理一下自己的思路 你们看看有没有什么问题

p1 引言
p2 今天正当我们的教育家正在徘徊犹豫的时候 借助于现代科技而得以高度社会化的孩子 已经给我们的社会带来了 正负两个方向的冲击 于是我提出了三个问题 我的后文就是解决这三个问题的
1.孩子的社会化是否真的决定社会的命运
2.我们是否已经拥有一个足够好的教育体系去培养一代高社会化有前途的孩子
3.我们这些高社会化的孩子将会把我们的社会带向何方
p3 解决第一个问题 强调社会化在孩子成长过程中的重要性 借助反例证明 社会化对于我们社会的重要性
p4 解决第二个问题 今天我们的教育并没有作者说的那么糟糕 我们的教育非常社会化并且已经取得了一定成果
p5 解决第三个问题 至于我们的孩子会将我们带向何方 我们其实无须过于担忧 历史经验使我相信 我们的社会会越来越好
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发表于 2008-10-22 11:02:39 |显示全部楼层
我又修改了一下 看看是不是比以前 好一些 特别是p2 和 p4我做了较大改动
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发表于 2008-10-22 11:26:18 |显示全部楼层

回复 #10 StrayCrow 的帖子

把以前的文章也弄出来
让我们看看对比下

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发表于 2008-10-22 12:38:08 |显示全部楼层
我觉得issue唯一能够完美 不是在45分钟即兴写出来 而是在于写过大量文章后 但是能在45分钟复述出来

有道理哦,呵呵

p2 今天正当我们的教育家正在徘徊犹豫的时候 借助于现代科技而得以高度社会化的孩子 已经给我们的社会带来了 正负两个方向的冲击 于是我提出了三个问题 我的后文就是解决这三个问题的
1.孩子的社会化是否真的决定社会的命运
2.我们是否已经拥有一个足够好的教育体系去培养一代高社会化有前途的孩子
3.我们这些高社会化的孩子将会把我们的社会带向何方
p3 解决第一个问题 强调社会化在孩子成长过程中的重要性 借助反例证明 社会化对于我们社会的重要性
p4 解决第二个问题 今天我们的教育并没有作者说的那么糟糕 我们的教育非常社会化并且已经取得了一定成果
p5 解决第三个问题 至于我们的孩子会将我们带向何方 我们其实无须过于担忧 历史经验使我相信 我们的社会会越来越好

第三点跟第一点其实是重复,一个正过来说,一个反过来说。
我觉得其实只有两个根本问题:

社会化的重要性(也可以做下小小让步)

我们是否能做好社会化教育。历史经验使我们相信,这方面我们已经做得越来越好了,我们的社会会越来越好。

你的思考里面其实涵盖了另外一个主题,即当今高度社会化的教育将使社会走向何方。这一点要融合进去很难。

我只是觉得有点乱,但北美范文好多也是这样的,所以你这样写还是可能拿高分的。

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发表于 2008-10-22 14:01:25 |显示全部楼层
第三点跟第一点其实是重复,一个正过来说,一个反过来说。

恩 说得好 不过其实我p5也属于一笔带过
或者说我的第1点其实是在说社会化的重要性

乱可能还有一个原因就是没有明确的ts句
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发表于 2008-10-22 14:02:39 |显示全部楼层

回复 #11 firhaday 的帖子

我把原来版本用灰色贴上去了
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发表于 2008-10-22 23:18:12 |显示全部楼层
你的文章基本落脚点还是在于,当今孩子的社会化程度已经很高了,甚至带来一些问题,由此引发我们的思考,社会化的优点在哪里。

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RE: [最初的梦想]Issue130~社会化和教育,求拍,有拍必回 [修改]

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[最初的梦想]Issue130~社会化和教育,求拍,有拍必回
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