读过lz写多作文，看过lz改过的作文，觉得lz水平相当不错，今日小改了下这篇文章，感觉楼主观点很好，需要在下多家学习。当然水平有限，有错误的地方，多多指证。（楼上那位兄台改过的语法错误，我就不再改了）
With the dramatic development of economy in every country and application of machinery into more and more jobs we do today, there is more time for us to spend on doing something we like. Therefore, an argument is come up that whether people spend too much time on personal enjoyment than the things they should do. Some people claim that people should spend most time doing what they should do, while others hold the opposite opinion. As far as I am concerned, people do use a lot of time to do their favorite things. Firstly, high technique and effective machines make it possible for most people to finish their job faster than ever before, which means they can possess more time. To illustrate this point, here is a good example that is quite persuasive. After the invention of the computer, it is more efficient to finish various jobs. Perhaps, most people can write 40 words in a minute, however, the speed of typing by using computer is, more or less, as twice as that of writing by our hands. If a 4800-word article is left to us to finish, 10 hours will be enough. (个人感觉这句话就多余了，例子的作用是为了证明观点，前面两倍速度已经够了，后面这句话这么多阿拉伯数字，感觉有些奇怪) This example indicates that with the help of various high technical method (methods), we do not need to spend too much time to finish what we have to do. Therefore, more spare time available can help us do what we want to, such as travelling, playing basketball, and so forth. (段尾的前后对应挺好的) The second reason why I agree with the point that people are spending much on personal enjoyment is that it is necessary for them to keep health (healthy). No one can deny the fact that in temporary life, as the pace of life speeds up, almost all the persons are suffering massive stress from their work and study (对suffer from有疑问，我不清楚是不是有suffer *** from *** 的用法，我没有查到，如果没有的话改成 suffer from massive stress resulting from their work and study). As it is well known to us, stress which is accumulated for a long period of time without releasing in time can cause a great number of illness, such as high blood pressure (such as 后是不是应该多跟些例子，不知道用like怎么样？). So a lot of people choose to do some exercise or travelling to visit interests in other regions (这句读着不是很爽，到也没想好怎么改). As a result, all the pressures (别加all了，显得有些绝对，不可能所有的压力都会被释放，只可能减轻。) can be relieved by a cheerful feeling which benefits (加个both) their health mentally and physically. Last but not the least; no one can exclude the fact (没有人能排除事实，听着有些怪，there is no doubt about the fact) that there are quite many lucky people whose interests are just their jobs (用用这个怎么样: whose interests are just in accordance of their jobs). They are usually absorbed by the enjoyment even (when) they are doing (条件句用一般时态) their job(s) or taking their duties. For example, when engaged in an interview, Kobe Bryant, one of the most famous basketball stars in NBA, said he enjoyed every game they played. What is more, he regards basketball even as a significant part of his life. Therefore, it is not curious any longer for us why the motto of NBA was "I love this game" which had been used for a long time. (不懂NBA，不知道现在还用不用) In sum, people in modern time indeed spend too much time on personal enjoyment, because it cost them less and less time to finish what they ought to do, and they do need more time to relieve their pressures. Besides, the fact that some people consider their job(s) just as enjoyment cannot be ignored.
总的来说，lz写的非常好，还要多向lz讨教呢，尤其是论点
[ 本帖最后由 ly8768 于 2008-10-26 15:23 编辑 ] | 
发表于 2008-10-24 00:09:03
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