COMEON作文小组------jackallen0714 10月24日作业

jackallen0714UID: 2510951

10月24日
Do you agree with the following statement: nowadays people spend too much time on personal enjoyment--things they like to do -- rather than the things they should do.（2008年03月7-8日,生活习惯类）

The advance of technology has always accompanied the improvement of our daily life. Such improvement had raised hot debate on time allocation questions.From my point of view, people indeed spend considerable time in entertainment. But there are rational reasons they do so.

The science and technology had brought us some significant inventions which emancipate us from tedious and heavy works. Therefore, people are able to allocate more time and energy to entertainment. Take Internet for example, before its appearance, people go to library to find useful information for their study. They have to check numerous bookshelves, and all too often, their target books are either missed or unavailable. Even luckily find the book, the content may be outdated or irrelevant to their study. Now advanced Internet set us free from such dilemma, we can almost get any material we want by simply typing some key word and click search bottom. Inventions of this kind is increasing rapidly among almost every field which obviously improved the efficiency and save us a lot of time and energy.

Another reason why people busily engaged in personal enjoyment is that people need relaxation. People at their spare time go to the theatre or concert to enjoy a visual or acoustic show. If one prefer a peaceful environment rather than the noisy street, museum or galaxy will be a wise choice. Such activities do not necessarily means people have forgot their social identity. Because appropriate relaxation is needed to help people release pressure. Without enough rest , not only will the efficiency decrease, but people's health will also be endangered. And all too often, appropriate relaxation lead to better work performance which in turn will benefit the work or the study.

Moreover, personal enjoyment is not always conflict with works. For example, my friend Allen is now working in a design company. He loves working there because design always provide him sense of achievement. Such sense of achievement is greatly important for one's career since interesting is the best teacher and the best motivation. His success perfectly proved the possibility of coexistence of work and enjoyment.

In sum, I believe people in modern time indeed spend much time on personal enjoyment. And this phenomenon do not necessarily means they forget about their social responsibilities.

[ 本帖最后由 jackallen0714 于 2008-10-25 12:09 编辑 ]

Mer.UID: 2532485

The advance of technology has always accompanied （with）the improvement of our daily life. Such improvement had raised hot debate on time allocation questions.From my point of view, people indeed spend considerable time in(it should be ‘on’) entertainment. But there are rational reasons they do so.

The science and technology had brought us some significant inventions which emancipate us from tedious and heavy works. Therefore, people are able to allocate more time and energy to entertainment. Take Internet for example, before its appearance, people go to library to find useful information for their study. They have to check numerous bookshelves, and all too often, their target books are either missed or unavailable. Even luckily find the book, the content may be outdated or irrelevant to their study. Now advanced Internet set us free from such dilemma, we can almost get any material we want by simply typing some key words and click search bottom. Inventions of this kind is(are) increasing rapidly among almost every field which obviously improved the efficiency and save us a lot of time and energy.

Another reason why people busily engaged in personal enjoyment is that people need relaxation. People at their spare time go to the theatre or concert to enjoy a visual or acoustic show. If one prefer a peaceful environment rather than the noisy street, museum or galaxy(gallery?) will be a wise choice. Such activities do not necessarily means people have forgot their social identity. Because appropriate relaxation is needed to help people release pressure. Without enough rest , not only will the efficiency decrease, but people's health will also be endangered. And all too often, appropriate relaxation lead to better work performance which in turn will benefit the work or the study.

Moreover, personal enjoyment is(does:conflict 是主动的) not always conflict with works. For example, my friend Allen is now working in a design company. He loves working there because design always provide him sense of achievement. Such sense of achievement is greatly important for one's career since interesting is the best teacher and the best motivation. His success perfectly proved the possibility of coexistence of work and enjoyment.


思路满好的,,最后一个COEXSITENCE很精妙,结构语言都不错,就介词的用法有点小错,WELL DONE

jackallen0714UID: 2510951

非常感谢！
其实这篇真是没任何头绪~结构上完全是Cleanwater作文的重复~
本来想写人们确实花了太多时间来娱乐的~可是没想到如何展开……

johnson906UID: 2148995

Lou Zhu's composition seems so beautiful that I cannot catch up with you temporarily. Nevertheless,  I would like to share some almost neglectable problems in order to promote mutual progress.

1\ "the"  is likely to  be overused, such as the first and second "the" in the beginning paragraph and the first "the" in the second paragraph.
2\ Maybe "is invariably accompanying with" is better.

jackallen0714UID: 2510951

Thank Lou Shang for your sincere suggestion.:)

cleanwater25UID: 2295333

The advance of technology has always accompanied the improvement of our daily life（你用了完成时，这样，科技进步和生活进步的关系就结束了。所以我觉得应该用完成进行时：The adcance of technology has always been accompanying the improvement of our daily lives ）. Such improvement had raised hot debate on time allocation questions.From my point of view, people indeed spend considerable time in（on） entertainment. But there are rational reasons they do so（这个句子的主题是there be，因此reason后面应该是非谓语动词形式，我觉得改成for their doing so）.

The science and technology had brought(我觉得还是应该是完成进行时，因为科技带给我们的进步会一直进行下去：have been bringing) us some significant inventions which emancipate us from tedious and heavy works. Therefore, people are able to allocate more time and energy to entertainment. Take Internet for example, before its appearance, people （加一个have to感情色彩更强烈）go to library to find useful information for their study. They have to check numerous bookshelves, and all too often, their targets （books 最好可以去掉 ，这样 不就成了比喻句了吗）are either missed or unavailable. Even luckily find the book, the content may be outdated or irrelevant （既然找到了就不能说是不相关，而是相关的少，可以说less relevant to）to their study. Now advanced Internet set us free from such dilemma, we can almost get any material we want by simply typing some key word（words） and click（clicking这个马虎了^_^） search bottom（应该是button）. Inventions of this kind is （are）increasing rapidly among almost every field which obviously improved（用原形就行） the efficiency and save us a lot of time and energy.
这段你要说，没有网络的话，不去图书馆吧--查不到资料，去吧还要花很多时间找书。但是我觉得就算网络没发明，计算机已经发明了，那个时候图书馆已经在用电脑搜索图书，这样也不费太多时间。而且我觉得图书馆例子的关键是，小城市的图书馆书不全，大城市的图书馆又太远。另外的关键点就在于，用网络查出来的资料有多又方便又新。这样的话的这段其实可以改的更好。
Another reason why people busily engaged in personal enjoyment is that people need relaxation. People at their spare time go to the theatre or concert to enjoy a visual or acoustic show. If one prefer（prefers） a peaceful environment rather than the noisy street, museum or galaxy will be a wise choice. Such activities do not necessarily means people have forgot their social identity. Because appropriate relaxation is needed to help people release pressure. Without enough rest , not only will the efficiency decrease, but people's health will also be endangered. And all too often, appropriate relaxation leads to better work performance which in turn will benefit the work or the study.寄托家园8Y}ST*k

Moreover, personal enjoyment is（does） not always conflict with works. For example, my friend Allen is now working in a design company. He loves working there because design always provides him sense of achievement. Such sense of achievement is greatly important for one's career since interesting（成就感和感兴趣不能划等号） is the best teacher and the best motivation. His success perfectly proved the possibility of coexistence of work and enjoyment.
这段有明显的逻辑错误，就是你忽略的兴趣和成就感不是一回事。我建议这么改:Moreover, personal enjoyment does not always conflict with works, in contrast, enjoyment benefits one's job, because when people work on the job they are interested in is just like playing. For example, my friend Allen is interested in design, he loves it, because his job provides him with a lot of fun. As it is known to us, interest may be the best motivation which encourages one to performan well, as a result, he feels sense of achievement due to the good job which stimulates him to do better. His success.......留学,e考试Mor,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA&Jx"MhHU&~r
|留学|签证|TOEFL|GREVk4Z%z%d[ s
In sum, I believe people in modern time indeed spend much time on personal enjoyment. And this phenomenon do not necessarily means they forget about their social responsibilities
从你的文章我可以看出你的英语功底很好，好多词的用法也很好。唯一不足的事逻辑上有些小问题。
另外的问题就是有些小的语法错误，比如单三，谓语的一致性。希望好好加油，文章写的真的很棒。
PS：希望你下次改我作文的时候你可以给出一些你的建议，比如句子的表达，因为我们写文章的习惯肯定不同，而你的表达方式会让我学到一些东西。我的文章中好多句子用的不是很好。所以希望你以后可以多多给我提意见。错误就像海绵里的水，挤一挤肯定还是有的^_^

不知道对你的文章修改你是否满意

jackallen0714UID: 2510951

cleanwater！！！

我太感动了！！！

你的话给了我很大信心~但其实我到现在都没能成功的限时完成一篇……

尽管我水准很一般~但既然你都这么要求了~我肯定会尽可能的挑刺的~:)

cleanwater25UID: 2295333

我觉得写了四篇以后应该尝试着30分钟之内写一篇了
试着来一次，人怕逼，马怕骑嘛