ISSUE51 [FF小组]第一次作业---by 夜空的彼方

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

第一篇ISSUE，肯定写的很烂，大家尽管批吧！欢迎多提宝贵意见！！！非常感谢！！:handshake :)

TOPIC: ISSUE51 - "Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student."
WORDS: 380          TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2008/10/27 17:59:22

As the statement says, education need to be more effectively, for this goal, current education system should be specifically designed for the needs and interests for individuals. To some extent, I do not disagree this statement, since education nowadays just give a overall and unifying education pattern, but the quality and background of every students are not unique, so that this education system maybe ignore someone's real need and only provide a whole, average and no charactering results finally. But "a education system designed for everyone", I think this is not proper and can't be applied successfully.

In my mind and according to my personal education experience, every classmates of mine have very special character, including studying interests, hobbies, personal ability and something like this, all of these are not shape in one day, they have very tighten relationship with the growing background, family environment and something inherent.  For these reasons, current education pattern should be adjusted to meet the real need of students, only by this, education could have original function and more effectively.

However, I want to enhance that, since the education resources like the amount of school and teacher are limited, even a lot of people have not received elementary education for some reason in our country, so that I think a education system designed for every single person is not proper, to some extent, it is a waste of our limited education resources. Someone would ask me, is there a good solution? As I think, even every student has different condition, but these conditions could be classified to a few classes by a standard like personal interests and hobbies. Every class could be a real class. Not only students, but also teachers should be reclassified too. So that in a special class, every student maybe becomes friends to each other and teacher. In this condition, education will be more effective and students will not feel school is a boring place more.

For any problems of our society, there are not a solution could make everyone smiled and felt happy forever. The same as education, quarrels have not use at all, what we should to do is making current education system more specially so that majority students have the opportunity to receive a nice and effective education.

[ 本帖最后由 夜空的彼方 于 2008-10-30 14:22 编辑 ]

firhadayUID: 2287086

statement告诉你要把EDU变得“更”有效了吗?第一句话就由问题啊~文章第二段扫了下，觉得其实说的不深，差一口气
把意思和例子连贯下吧，看了会舒服很多的~
讨论下~

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

原帖由 <i>firhaday</i> 于 2008-10-28 23:10 发表<br />
statement告诉你要把EDU变得“更”有效了吗?第一句话就由问题啊~文章第二段扫了下，觉得其实说的不深，差一口气<br />
把意思和例子连贯下吧，看了会舒服很多的~<br />
讨论下~

<br />

非常感谢版主同志提出的宝贵意见，嘿嘿

讨论一下啊：关于Statement中没有要把education变得更有效，但是statement说了，现在教育只有更加有针对性，才能真的有效，言下之意不是说现在教育效果不好吗？那么我理解成为statement就是想要教育“更加”有效，这样有问题吗？

另外，第二段确实有点论证不够充分，应该举一些相关的例子进行深入论证。

Anyway,非常非常感谢你的批评和建议，大家狠狠的拍吧，拍的越狠越好，嘿嘿！;d:

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

没人帮我改啊。。。。。5555555555555:(

crazy_calmUID: 2260690

我来回拍了~:handshake

LZ是限时完成的，所以我就不把主要精力放在语言方面了，毕竟我想如果是在时间充足并且可以查阅字典的情况下，任何人都可以最大程度避免这些错误的。但是LZ这篇文章中的确存在很多小错误，包括单复数、冠词使用、短语搭配以及一些句法等等。LZ不妨自己纠正一下，这样也可以加深印象，因为每个人犯的错误实际上都是习惯性的，当你自己改正次数多了之后以后写文章的时候应该就会下意识的去避免。

我看完之后，认为LZ的大结构应该是有保留的反对。开始的时候承认按照学生的兴趣及需要设计教育的必要性和优越性，然后从现实的局限性上着手批驳这种做法实际上是难以完全实现的，因此并不能称之为有效。同时最后还提出了一个可能的折中方案。

我没学过逻辑，所以只能随便说说自己的看法了。首先这种结构是没有问题的，而且据我所知应该是很保险的一种结构，但是也就不可避免的缺乏新意。在逻辑上显得格式化，较为死板。

如果是我按照这种思路写的话，我觉得有提升潜力的地方有以下两点：
1、在第二段，以自己身边的同学具有不同的学习兴趣、爱好和个性等等为例子，得出教育设计就应该做出调整来适应学生需要的结论。我觉得是稍显牵强和单薄的。首先，单从例子的展开来看就不充分，与其笼统的陈述这样一个事实，不如举一个更为具体的例子。此外，这一论证本身实际上偏离了issue的关键点，那就是教育的有效性。应该着重从这样设置教育后的结果的角度来论证，而不是只停留在为什么要这么设置。举出的例子如果能够说明这种教育设置的确起到了很好的作用，那它的有效性就不言自明了。仅仅说需要，不免显得主观。当然这是我的看法，不一定正确，因为我也喜欢钻牛角尖，呵呵。

2、全文最大的缺点就在于展开不够。不仅第二段不够，应该是主体部分的驳斥段也显得很仓促。就我感觉，第三段完全应该分成两段，前面集中驳斥不现实性，然后再说折中方案。如何更好的的展开批驳，LZ可以参考我的提纲，试着从物质和精神两方面来进行，你可以举一个例子同时说明，也可以分别举出例子。就像你自己说的公平问题，可以从你的句子里感觉出来，但是为什么不正面拿出来说呢？总之这一部分需要强化和丰满。这样字数也能达到一个理想的程度。

总而言之，LZ目前最应该提高的两个方面就是语言的规范性和论证的丰满度。至于逻辑方面的深度，我觉得保险就好了，想太多了就会像我一样钻牛角尖，其实LZ已经比我强了，要是我现在45分钟内不一定能写出这么完整的文章，呵呵~~先改到这儿，大家一起加油吧:)

[ 本帖最后由 crazy_calm 于 2008-10-30 19:33 编辑 ]

firhadayUID: 2287086

As the statement says, education need to be more effectively[effective,其实还是那个问题，题目是edu 在个性化的条件下是有效的，你说，是为了有效而个性化，虽然可以，但是觉得，有点绕了吧~anyway], for this goal[in order to reach this goal], current education system should be specifically designed for the needs and interests for individuals. To some extent, I do not disagree[双重否定啊!so twisting] this statement, since education nowadays just give a [an] overall and unifying education pattern, but [since和but,能在一起么？]the quality and background of every students are not unique, so that this education system maybe[may] ignore someone's real need and only provide a whole, average and no charactering results finally. But "a education system designed for everyone", I think this is not proper and can't be applied successfully.

In my mind and according to my personal education experience, every classmates of mine have very special character, including studying interests, hobbies, personal ability and something like this, all of these are not shape in one day, they have very tighten relationship with the growing background, family environment and something inherent.  For these reasons, current education pattern should be adjusted to meet the real need of students, only by this, education could have original function and more effectively.

However, I want to enhance that, since the education resources like the amount of school and teacher are limited, even a lot of people have not received elementary education for some reason in our country, so that I think a education system designed for every single person is not proper, to some extent, it is a waste of our limited education resources. Someone would ask me, is there a good solution? As I think, even every student has different condition, but these conditions could be classified to a few classes by a standard like personal interests and hobbies. Every class could be a real class. Not only students, but also teachers should be reclassified too. So that in a special class, every student maybe becomes friends to each other and teacher. In this condition, education will be more effective and students will not feel school is a boring place more.

For any problems of our society, there are not a solution could make everyone smiled and felt happy forever. The same as education, quarrels have not use at all, what we should to do is making current education system more specially so that majority students have the opportunity to receive a nice and effective education.

夜空的彼方UID: 159120

非常感谢crazy_calm来回拍！:handshake

说实话，其实自己心里也清楚这篇文章的缺点肯定很多，但是还是“厚脸皮”的喊很多人来拍，目的只有一个——旁观者清，想发现自己的缺点和毛病到底在什么地方，因为有的时候，自己写的文章，自己很难发现问题，因为习惯就是这样去想，这样去写，这样去遣词造句的，所以——互拍的意义也正在于此。

关于你所提到的问题“语言的规范性和论证的丰满程度”，的确，这是我目前最大的两个需要提高的地方，语言的规范性我想通过大量的阅读范文和自己有意识的控制，应该可以得到一些改善。另外，论证的丰满程度上，我想还需要自己在例子上进行一些积累，也许不用可以的去背例子，但是应该加强自己对于例证的有意识使用，合理且有力的例子，的确可以增加文章的论证力度。

要改进的地方实在太多了，好在自己离考试还有段时间，但是也不能放松，同时希望以后能互相学习，共同进步！

再次感谢crazy_calm的回拍，你对我文章的分析和批评很到位，给出的意见也很中肯，非常有帮助！谢谢！
以后我们可以经常互改！ :)

crazy_calmUID: 2260690

不客气，呵呵。我也是刚刚开始接触作文，以后大家可以多多讨论。其实刚开始的时候你可以不用限时的，就像我一样。