issue130【文以载道小组】第1次作业2008.11.08 Lee

kennith_leeUID: 199791

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 528          TIME: 00:70:00          DATE: 2008-11-7 23:26:08

  According to this statement, the speaker asserts that society destiny depends on how children are socialized, and that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can better society. In my view, both of the two claims are too extreme.

  The rapid development of education and progress of society require much emphasize on children socialization. The reason for this is simple: future generation will act as hosts and mainstay of our society in their adulthood. Consider, for example, the increasing training and cultivation of children, especially on how they are socialized, which are attached importance from very little throughout the world. No country dare to overlook the primary education of the young generation because their potential to the advance of assorted fields. One need look no further to the class, or extra-curricular practice, where pupils are educated to negotiate, cooperate, and assert themselves in respectful manners. As a result, the merits such as credibility, courtesy and communication are formed, which are beneficial not only for their own development, but also for a harmonious society.

  Is socialization the only determinant factor which determines the destiny of our society? In my observation, it is not the most important one. History replete with examples of socialized leaders who nevertheless had detrimental or harmful influences to whole society. Adolf Hitler was thought to be a courteous and wellbred man during his young time, however he triggered the world most detrimental catastrophe, World War 2, which dragged the world backslide at least several decades. By contrast, in some cases other factors serves more important to society than socialization. A fit example was Theodore Roosevelt, whose physical and social development were both hampered by his early life disability. In spite of his aloofness and abnormal manners during his early life, he became an extraordinary president of the U.S. in history.

  The speaker's second claim that we have not learned how to raise our children who can bring a better society flies in the face of empirical evidences. Nobody has the ability to predict whether children we raise today will contribute to a better society in future. Reflecting the prominent figures range from business, politics to science makes clear that many celebrated contributions are created by those whose ideals are together different, sometimes even opposed, from the commoners. Microsoft's Bill Gates is largely responsible for the boom of American economy and high technology utilization of world; the former president Bill Clinton, who was bogged into trouble because of his unsocialized behavior, established a new ethical standard for politicians; Sequoya, who was recognized as eccentric because of his strange ideas and deeds during his early life, helped the preservation of culture, tradition and history of Cherokee, which became the only tribe of Indians.

  To sum up, the speaker overrates the function of socialization and ignore other crucial factors, such as intelligence, outlook and experience so forth in the role of propelling a better society. Moreover, whether the children are better raised cannot singly decided by the present short term view. The conclusion should rely on scrutiny of history and future generation. In the final analysis, I fundamentally disagree with the speaker's both extreme assertions.

  接到题目后我就抓紧写了，怕啊……希望板油能留点情面，打击宛转些。trembling!
  非常菜鸟，第一次发文章，竟然弄错了好几次，汗……
  BTW,特别期待版主或大牛能看我的文章，同时真对我作文弱点提出复习提高的宏观建议，我现在比较懵，不知道从何处下手。

[ 本帖最后由 kennith_lee 于 2008-11-9 11:23 编辑 ]

kennith_leeUID: 199791

感觉自己现在问题很多：
1. 造句不行；
2. 论证推进不行；
3. 例子老套，甚至经常随便找个例子来充数；
4. 思维打不开，写的得很浮浅。
但是又不知道怎么复习，
盲目地写作文提高肯定不大，迫切期待前辈和板油给我建议呢？苦苦等待中

[ 本帖最后由 kennith_lee 于 2008-11-10 23:36 编辑 ]

Anny.Y.WangUID: 2178596

占楼。。。周三之前改好。。。

kennith_leeUID: 199791

组长啊，你可得拯救我啊！
快哭了……

cadgetUID: 2565428

According to this statement, the speaker asserts that society destiny depends on how children are socialized, and that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can better society. In my view, both of the two claims are too extreme.（中心句：两个观点都否定，社会化不是决定社会命运的因素，我们学会抚养能够改善社会的孩子了。这个开头很简洁，我也倾向于开头结尾简洁。但是好像没有脱离模板。）  

The rapid development of education and progress of society require much emphasize on children socialization.（主题句：社会化的重要性）The reason for this is simple: future generation will act as hosts and mainstay of our society in their adulthood（这一句写的好）. Consider, for example, the increasing training and cultivation of children, especially on how they are socialized, which are attached importance from very little throughout the world（没看懂，感觉句子不完整）. No country dare to overlook the primary education of the young generation because their potential to the advance of assorted fields（这里说全世界都重视社会化，逻辑关系搞反了吧？因为社会化重要，所以全世界都重视。而不是因为全世界都重视，所以社会化重要，所以这里并没有很好的证明本段主题句）. One need look no further to the class, or extra-curricular practice, where pupils are educated to negotiate, cooperate, and assert themselves in respectful manners（这里说的是教育化的手段，也不能证明主题句）. As a result, the merits such as credibility, courtesy and communication are formed, which are beneficial not only for their own development, but also for a harmonious society.（本段是否先来个让步？因为你的中心句是完全否定的，而你这段是肯定的，先来个让步，再来个转折？）

Is socialization the only determinant factor which determines the destiny of our society? In my observation, it is not the most important one. （主题句:社会化不是唯一因素，也不是最重要的因素）History replete with examples of socialized leaders who nevertheless had detrimental or harmful influences to whole society.（这一段到这里都有些模板化，而且看了你这段的主题句，感觉应该说哪些因素决定社会命运，什么因素是决定社会命运的最重要因素的，这里就直接过度到例子了，论证显得单薄）Adolf Hitler was thought to be a courteous and wellbred man during his young time, however he triggered the world most detrimental catastrophe, World War 2, which dragged the world backslide at least several decades. By contrast, in some cases other factors serves more important to society than socialization. A fit example was Theodore Roosevelt, whose physical and social development were both hampered by his early life disability. In spite of his aloofness and abnormal manners during his early life, he became an extraordinary president of the U.S. in history.（这两个例子正反论证用的很好，如果加上一点自己的点评，比如是什么原因导致希特勒引发二战，又是什么原因导致罗斯福成功的，结尾再总结下会好一些）

The speaker's second claim that we have not learned how to raise our children who can bring a better society flies in the face of empirical evidences.（主题句：论者说我们没有学会抚养可以改善社会的孩子是缺乏证据的） Nobody has the ability to predict whether children we raise today will contribute to a better society in future（既然不能预测孩子是否对改善社会有贡献，那有正反两种可能，不能有效反驳论者的观点，这句还不如不写）. Reflecting the prominent figures range from business, politics to science makes clear that many celebrated contributions are created by those whose ideals are together different, sometimes even opposed, from the commoners（对社会有突出贡献的是那些观点和普通人不同的人，这和社会化有什么关系？孩子社会化同样可以观点彼此不一致啊）. Microsoft's Bill Gates is largely responsible for the boom of American economy and high technology utilization of world;（比尔盖兹给世界经济和技术带来进步和社会化的关系？） the former president Bill Clinton, who was bogged into trouble because of his unsocialized behavior, established a new ethical standard for politicians（克林顿不符合社会道德的行为想证明什么主题？）; Sequoya, who was recognized as eccentric because of his strange ideas and deeds during his early life, helped the preservation of culture, tradition and history of Cherokee, which became the only tribe of Indians.（整体感觉这段逻辑混乱，论证无力，论据也不能有效支持主题句）  

To sum up, the speaker overrates the function of socialization and ignore other crucial factors, such as intelligence, outlook and experience（感觉是突然蹦出来的观点，如果在正文上有效论证这几个因素，最后再总结下会好一些） so forth in the role of propelling a better society. Moreover, whether the children are better raised cannot singly decided by the present short term view. The conclusion should rely on scrutiny of history and future generation. （同样，正文缺乏有效论证）In the final analysis, I fundamentally disagree with the speaker's both extreme assertions.

整体感觉：
1.       文章的脉络是清晰的，中心思想和各段主题句吻合。有限的时间写出这么多内容很难得
2.       正文各段主题句之后的论证无力
3.       第四段逻辑有些混乱，看不出作者想说明什么问题，例证也不合适
4.       结论和正文有些出入
5.       整体模板化比较明显

[ 本帖最后由 cadget 于 2008-11-14 13:02 编辑 ]

kennith_leeUID: 199791

太感谢cadget同学细致认真的批改，我一定努力改正！
关于本文：
1. 例子论证说服力确实很欠缺，我打算改一遍；
2. 关于哪句没看懂的话，我把它改成这样：Consider, for example, the importance of children's training and cultivation, expecially how they are socialized, is increasingly recognized by the whole world.

[ 本帖最后由 kennith_lee 于 2008-11-20 11:15 编辑 ]

G嘻哈DUID: 2454459

According to this statement, the speaker asserts that society destiny depends on how children are socialized, and that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can better society. In my view, both of the two claims are too extreme.（开头简短，观点明确：不同意二者）

  The rapid development of education and progress of society require much emphasize on children socialization.（TS：社会化的重要性） The reason for this is simple: future generation will act as hosts and mainstay of our society in their adulthood. Consider, for example, the increasing training and cultivation of children, especially on how they are socialized, which are attached importance from very little throughout the world.（句子结构有些问题，举着实例说明the increasing training and cultivation of children可能会更有说服力） No country dare to overlook the primary education of the young generation because their potential to the advance of assorted fields. （句子结构有些问题）One need look no further to the class, or extra-curricular practice, where pupils are educated to negotiate, cooperate, and assert themselves in respectful manners. As a result, the merits such as credibility, courtesy and communication are formed, which are beneficial not only for their own development, but also for a harmonious society.

  Is socialization the only determinant factor which determines the destiny of our society?（TS：除了社会化外还有其它因素） In my observation, it is not the m。ost important one. （这样的说法似乎太绝对，既然不是最重要的，那么你认为最重要的因素应该是什么呢？后面的论证却没有提出来，论点与论证的过程脱节）History replete with examples of socialized leaders who nevertheless had detrimental or harmful influences to whole society. Adolf Hitler was thought to be a courteous and wellbred man during his young time, however he triggered the world most detrimental catastrophe, World War 2, which dragged the world backslide at least several decades. By contrast, in some cases other factors serves more important to society than socialization. A fit example was Theodore Roosevelt, whose physical and social development were both hampered by his early life disability. In spite of his aloofness and abnormal manners during his early life, he became an extraordinary president of the U.S. in history.（这两个例子似乎不能很好说明本段TS，个人感觉用这两个例子用支持下一段观点相比而言更合适，一正一反很有说服力。）

  The speaker's second claim that we have not learned how to raise our children who can bring a better society flies in the face of empirical evidences. （主题句：提出该观点在事实证据面前不能成立。应该举些现实的例子来说明我们的确处于一个好的社会。但后面的论证着眼在我们无法预知当前的的教育是否成功上）Nobody has the ability to predict whether children we raise today will contribute to a better society in future. （按照你的逻辑，这句做为主题句这段好像比较似合，但后面的例子却又不能非常好地支持这个观点。个人觉得有关对小孩进行社会化的教育反而导致不好的后果，或者是小孩本身不是很合群，却不妨碍他对社会作出贡献的例子比较合适，Hitler和Roosevelt的例子就不错）Reflecting the prominent figures range from business, politics to science makes clear that many celebrated contributions are created by those whose ideals are together different, sometimes even opposed, from the commoners. Microsoft's Bill Gates is largely responsible for the boom of American economy and high technology utilization of world; the former president Bill Clinton, who was bogged into trouble because of his unsocialized behavior, established a new ethical standard for politicians; Sequoya, who was recognized as eccentric because of his strange ideas and deeds during his early life, helped the preservation of culture, tradition and history of Cherokee, which became the only tribe of Indians.（这段逻辑比较混乱，TS和后面脱离，例证不能有效支持自己的论点。另外我个人感觉不是很赞同这个观点－－我们无法预知当前的的教育是否成功，要交由未来和下一代来评定，按照这个逻辑，我们对未来的打算和计划似乎都没什么意义了，因为未来是我们无法预知的，我们现在觉得好的，将来可能觉得是糟糕，我们所做的努力似乎都没有用了。）
   
  To sum up, the speaker overrates the function of socialization and ignore other crucial factors, such as intelligence, outlook and experience so forth in the role of propelling a better society.（突兀的感觉，前文没有提及过） Moreover, whether the children are better raised cannot singly decided by the present short term view. The conclusion should rely on scrutiny of history and future generation. In the final analysis, I fundamentally disagree with the speaker's both extreme assertions.


第一次帮人改作文，有什么不对的地方请大家多多指教。
大家都是刚刚开始起步，以后进步的空间还很大。希望我们能一起笑到最后
总结：
１.　３、４段的论证和该段的主题句脱节了，例子不能很好地支持观点
２.　存在一些句子结构问题
３.　总体感觉逻辑有些混乱

[ 本帖最后由 G嘻哈D 于 2008-11-14 23:13 编辑 ]

kennith_leeUID: 199791

今天总算抽出时间来把第一次作业仔细再看了一遍，简直是一派胡言。
真不知道当时怎么好意思把文章交出来，shame on myself!
楼上2位所做批注已经很微辞了，感谢感谢！
我修改一下，如果还有时间，再帮我看看。
思路跟原来一样。

[ 本帖最后由 kennith_lee 于 2008-11-20 22:23 编辑 ]

cadgetUID: 2565428

哪里修改了？:confused:

kennith_leeUID: 199791

我本来上午打算改，结果不是在群里聊天商量事情来着么，
晕，盯我这么紧！嘿嘿
下午下班之前必须呈现出来。呵呵

kennith_leeUID: 199791

     总算出炉了，思路跟原来一样。尽可能自圆其说，自我感觉还是漏洞百出，牵强附会。如果再不行，就只有换思路了。郁闷！

According to this statement, the speaker asserts that society destiny depends on children's socialization, and that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can better society. In my view, both of the two claims are too extreme.  

  Admittedly, the rapid development of education and progress of society require certain emphasize on children socialization. The reason for this is simple: future generation will act as hosts and mainstay of our society in their adulthood. Consider, for example,  the importance of how children are socialized are increasingly attached on school children's training and cultivation. To witness heathy socialization, one need look no further to the class, or extra-curricular practice, where pupils are educated to communicate, cooperate, and assert themselves in respectful manners. As a result, the merits such as credibility, courtesy and communication are formed, which are beneficial not only for their own development, but also for a harmonious society. In terms of the positive influence on a courteous individual and on a civilized society, no country dare to overlook the socialized upbringing in primary education.

  Is socialization the only determinant factor which determines the destiny of our society? In my observation, it is not the most important one. Consider on the one hand, the fruitful president of U.S.-- Theodore Roosevelt, whose physical and social development were both hampered by his early life disability. In spite of his aloofness and abnormal manners during his early life, he became an extraordinary president by means of his strong perseverance, raw intellect and successive diligence. Also take Martin Luther King as example, whose greatness was attributable to his personal conviction and enlightening upbringing. On the other hand, history replete with examples of socialized leaders who nevertheless had detrimental or harmful influences to whole society. Adolf Hitler was thought to be a courteous and wellbred man during his young time, however unlimited ambitions and aspiration for powerness triggered the world most detrimental catastrophe, World War 2, which dragged the world backslide at least several decades. Therefore, in some cases other factors, like strong will and justable sense serve more important to society than socialization.

  The speaker's second claim that we have not learned how to raise our children who can bring a better society is ungrounded in the face of empirical evidences. Reflecting the wide acceptance, various value system and the increasing sensitivity today makes clear that our society is become better and better at least to some extent. The prominent president Abraham Lincoln owed his contributions and achievements to the primary socialization influenced by his mother Nancy Hanks. Besides historical figures, whether in school or company, it is widely seen that young generation negotiate in a respectful behavior, humble with tollerance of different viewpoints and cooperate decently. At present, we become more sensitive and acceptable on homosexuality, women rights and religious beliefs. Ostensibly, our society become more harmonious and civilized.

  To sum up, the speaker overrates the function of socialization and ignore other crucial factors, such as justice, experience, raw intellect and personal conviction so forth in the role of propelling a better society. The world peace, advanced civilization, and diverse value system are mainly the result of right impartion on children's socialization. In the final analysis, I fundamentally disagree with the speaker's both extreme assertions.

强烈呼吁楼上二位能再提建议，expecting!!!

cadgetUID: 2565428

According to this statement, the speaker asserts that society destiny depends on children's socialization, and that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can better society. In my view, both of the two claims are too extreme.  

  Admittedly, the rapid development of education and progress of society require certain emphasize on children socialization. The reason for this is simple: future generation will act as hosts and mainstay of our society in their adulthood. Consider, for example,  the importance of how children are socialized are increasingly attached on school children's training and cultivation. To witness heathy socialization, one need look no further to the class, or extra-curricular practice, where pupils are educated to communicate, cooperate, and assert themselves in respectful manners. As a result, the merits such as credibility, courtesy and communication are formed, which are beneficial not only for their own development, but also for a harmonious society. In terms of the positive influence on a courteous individual and on a civilized society, no country dare to overlook the socialized upbringing in primary education. （社会化的重要性、方法）

  Is socialization the only determinant factor which determines the destiny of our society? In my observation, it is not the most important one. Consider on the one hand, the fruitful president of U.S.-- Theodore Roosevelt, whose physical and social development were both hampered by his early life disability. In spite of his aloofness and abnormal manners during his early life, he became an extraordinary president by means of his strong perseverance, raw intellect and successive diligence. Also take Martin Luther King as example, whose greatness was attributable to his personal conviction and enlightening upbringing. On the other hand, history replete with examples of socialized leaders who nevertheless had detrimental or harmful influences to whole society. Adolf Hitler was thought to be a courteous and wellbred man during his young time, however unlimited ambitions and aspiration for powerness triggered the world most detrimental catastrophe, World War 2, which dragged the world backslide at least several decades. Therefore, in some cases other factors, like strong will and justable sense serve more important to society than socialization. （大量事实例证，有自己的评语。我一直在琢磨社会化究竟是否包括建立个人正确的理想，比如希特勒的例子）

  The speaker's second claim that we have not learned how to raise our children who can bring a better society is ungrounded in the face of empirical evidences. Reflecting the wide acceptance, various value system and the increasing （这里再点一下，不同的价值体系跟社会教育的联系）sensitivity today makes clear that our society is become better and better at least to some extent. The prominent president Abraham Lincoln owed his contributions and achievements to the primary socialization influenced by his mother Nancy Hanks（这里有两个问题，林肯母亲怎么教育的？另外你上面说one need look no further to the class, or extra-curricular practice ,这个跟家庭教育不就矛盾了吗？）. Besides historical figures, whether in school or company, it is widely seen that young generation negotiate in a respectful behavior, humble with tollerance of different viewpoints and cooperate decently. At present, we become more sensitive and acceptable on homosexuality, women rights and religious beliefs. Ostensibly, our society become more harmonious and civilized.（跟我犯的问题一样，社会的这些进步和孩子教育之间的关系？）

  To sum up, the speaker overrates the function of socialization and ignore other crucial factors, such as justice, experience, raw intellect and personal conviction so forth in the role of propelling a better society. The world peace, advanced civilization, and diverse value system are mainly the result of right impartion on children's socialization. In the final analysis, I fundamentally disagree with the speaker's both extreme assertions
   写的越来越顺了啊:)

[ 本帖最后由 cadget 于 2008-11-21 12:46 编辑 ]

kennith_leeUID: 199791

:o 别逼我，这篇已经够伤脑筋的了！！
（真是好人呐，又给我改了一遍，不胜感激！）

cadgetUID: 2565428

添加点东东就可以了
目的不是学会如何写吗？干嘛非要重来
当然，你非要重写也米办法;d:

MVTUID: 2588209

明天要考试，把自己写过的帖子都顶出来，过一遍，哈哈