考完托福了，跟大家分享一下有帮助的网站（响应版主号召，本帖现在开始为大家改作文）

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

实际上离子最好找了，你就依你自己的身份编就好了。好用也好想。

88michaelUID: 2400770

不好意思才看到回复，挂医院一天:(
马上把阅读听力发上来，后面说写有自己特色的段子不会流产的，今天补上:)
谢谢谢;d:

88michaelUID: 2400770

阅读：关于Anasazi文明的消失，专家认为是干旱造成
      1. 与全球干旱时间上同步。
         2. 灌溉系统的存在。
      3. 人口激增，干旱收成不好，不能养活这么多人，所以迁徙寻觅肥沃土地。
听力：反对： shakly
         1. 有存在千年的树，如果干旱早死掉。
      2. 灌溉系统不是因为干旱，反而是早知气候干旱，所以为了缓解干旱。
      3. 干旱是一种假说，现在又出现土地过度使用、疾病蔓延的说法。

我总结的怕有点片面，这是写作120的第一题。
楼主辛苦了，请多提宝贵意见，我不怕多的:handshake

88michaelUID: 2400770

Topic：Why modern people have living longer?

Topic: Why modern people have living longer?
It is a common phenomenon and a indisputable fact that modern people live longer than ancient human. In my opinion, many facts interact together to enable a longer life. However, there are three most important facts: improved lifestyle people adopt, got better health awareness, and had been building stronger health service.

To begin with, people have enough ability to make life better with the development of the society and technology. In ancient society, man kinds did their best to survive from hunger, if else, they may die in hunger. Whereas they have food sufficient enough to keep them alive in modern society. Food is not a problem in the life. Another example, human made clothes from animals' skin which banned themselves from cold. But most of time, human had to rely on each other to keep warm. Nowadays, strong buildings established everywhere and were warm enough to protect man kinds against cold. In sum, the basic problems of the human living has been solved as the society developing and human concentrates on the quality of the living more and more. Nutritious food, green diet and antibiotic instruments engage in normal families day by day.

Moreover, public health system was introducing basic health common step by step and government  were paying more and more on the education of the health awareness. For example, there are a considerate number of researchers to detect how to keep the nutritious standard of the human body balance. And then the results were adapted by a specific apartment which devoted to improving human health. Advertises, community education, internet, you name it; all of those due to people be aware of the importance of the health. Later, no smoking, eating low-fat food, doing some sports have been admitted by most people.

Last but not least, health service system has been more well from community to country. In most countries, community service system is popular strongly and meets to the basic requirement of the health for community habits. People may find amazingly many illnesses could be detected at an early stage and spend less time accessing to medical services. In addition, government supports big hospitals to explore the new treatments for some medicine, which could reduce the expense of the treatment for people and country. The goal of the government is that the citizens spend less money, and get the best service of the health. To sum up, government affects positively on living longer and diseases are not fatal reason.

All in all, if you insist to increasing health awareness, improving lifestyle, enjoying advanced health system and so on, you may always live longer than before. We should have confidence that human could keep alive as long as long could be. Maybe it provides new problems.


先背了一些句子，然后柔扎成自己的，会不会雷同造杀机:confused:

[ 本帖最后由 88michael 于 2009-1-8 21:59 编辑 ]

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

早起伸懒腰:loveliness: ，然后改作文:handshake

阿泰UID: 209473

事还不少！:rolleyes:

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

1，reformation policy这里到底要写什么政策？最好明确一下，而且貌似外国人对着类政策不是很懂，你最好写改革开放……（你不会想用这个词表示改革开放吧……？）
2，我忘了不知道是给谁说要解释概念，如果你不能很好解释概念就不要在文章中提出概念。比如这里的“nuclear family",什么意思？最好解释一下。就算是显而易见的词组，如果你希望用来当概念，最好解释一下。
3，第二段我没看明白，不知道哪些句子你想要，那些你不要……以后最好把不要的删掉再发上来，方便我给你改，和你没关系，主要是我这个人太懒，遇到这类有点挑战性的工作就嫌麻烦。真是抱歉……
4，你最好在”imit them in many ways“后面展开写一下，这些ways到底是什么，就算你不向展开，给个例子总不过分吧……后半段看迷茫了，首先没有明白”advanced family是什么，其次不明白你后面的离子到底是证明什么……选择离子的时候最好根据你的中心句选择。
5，强调一下，也许你背了好多单词，感觉不用怪可惜，但是在用之前一定要确定你知道怎么用这个词，比如这个advanced family……还是出现在中心句中，一下就把你这段话中围绕这个句子写的所有东西都费了……
总结：你的这篇文章写的不好，至少是出第二段以外的段子写的不好，有一些词汇用错，而且还有一些令人迷茫的词组，例子依然没有围绕中心据来写，比较空洞，希望能在你的文章中看到一些以你为中心的离子，比如你在这篇文章中写年轻人的时候，就可以找个例子，然后以自己为中心人物写，会起到意想不到的效果。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

挂医院？额……莫非你是……？额，太可怕了，我说怎么总是晚上见你上线啊啊……

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

我也不知道怎么评价你这篇文章，综合写作只要把要点全抓住就是高分……而且还有模板可用……你自己只要了解阅读和听力的意思，一般都是Fair以上……

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

别把文章当做作业来写，这种东西就是一种游戏。想开了写作文的时候就会放松不少。
1，经典模板式作文开头，但是我很欣赏这个开头，好作文中要求的一样不少……坏作文中有的一样不多。
2，第二段写得很不错，无论是例子还是论证都很好，但是有些句子指代不明确，造成不少误解，比如“Whereas they have food sufficient enough to keep them alive in modern society.”你这里They指代的是谁？上一句明明在写ancient people。如果能少注意以下语法，这个段子可以说是完美的。
3，无可救药的大长句又出现在了第一句……的二段写的多好……并且这一段出现了很多你以前犯的错误……你看一下以前的批改就知道了……但是这段的最后是个亮点，离子找的非常精彩，而且以这种形式写出为你的文章增色不少。
4，last but not the least……模板句啊，不过这句话确实不错。不过第三段写的还是不错的，能够抓住中心来写，但是指代依然不明确。
最后：我知道你想通过长句子来显示一下你的英语水平，however,通过你的文章我发现，你的能力还不能够写出语义连贯，行文通顺的长句子。与其去追求不属于自己的东西，不如踏踏实实的写一些短小精悍自己擅长的句子。非要显示自己的英语水平你可以找一些稍生僻些的词汇用在文章中。

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

您就原谅我的懒腰吧……一不污染空气，二不拖累经济……
BTW：你的签名真帅，哈哈，搞笑，那小孩是谁？

阿泰UID: 209473

我也不知道啊;d:

阿泰UID: 209473

你现在越改论文感觉水平越高了吧

腾格里旅狼UID: 2573178

说实话，真没这感觉，他们犯的错误都是我当时准备作文的时候总结过的……

阿泰UID: 209473

:funk: