HERCTIC作文小组------jackallen0714 12.2日作文

jackallen0714UID: 2510951

12.2日作业：Extended family is not as important as it was in the past. (07.9.22)

People in increasing numbers prefer to live independently rather than to live with family members . So here comes a question on whether extended family still hold greater importance on current society? In my point of view, the importance of extended family will continue to decline and this trend seems irreversible.

The advancement in education system contribute to the recession of extended family. In the past, parents usually cannot find proper person to look after their offspring if they form their own family and live independently. They maintain living with family members so that their children can be supervised. Nowadays, kindergarten with well educated teachers and excellent facilities replaced the traditional education methods. Children are well protected and can receive systematic education there. Parents do not need to bother the elders to take this responsibility on their behalf. Therefore, the importance of extended family is diminished.

Besides, family relationship no longer exclusively rely on face-to-face communication. The employment of advanced communication technology virtually made the world a smaller place. We can easily contact with our family members even they live thousands miles away. With the help of the Internet, we can not only hear them but also see them. In this manner, people around the world are tightly connected. Living separately while sustaining close relationship becomes easy and feasible.

Admittedly, extended families are still preserved by many people in rural area.The deficiency of advanced technology and low level of education system prevent them from forming nuclear family. However, more young generation tend to find jobs and live in major cities. They accept and gradually accustom to the nuclear family life style. They also bring this family form back to the rural. In such a manner, the number of people adopting extended family descending year after year.

In sum, development of education and improvement of communication technologies result in that extended families play secondary role in current society. Based on the analysis above, I am convinced that extended family indeed is less important as it was in the past.

niuniu_dragonUID: 2134273

People in increasing numbers prefer to live independently rather than to live with family members . （现象陈述的太乏味，可不可以加个状语 什么随着随着啊 之类的 而且这个in increasing numbers 怎么觉得有些别扭 这里的开头不够吸引人 注意改一下）So here comes a question on whether extended family still hold greater importance on current society? . (这个地方不是问句 用句号)In my point of view, the importance of extended family will continue to decline and this trend seems irreversible.


The advancement in education system contributes to the recession of extended family. In the past, (这里用了past 之后的句子要适当的改时态 就不一一指出了)parents usually cannot (could not注意时态)find proper person to look after their offsprings if they form their own family and live independently. They maintain living with family members so that their children can be supervised. （到这里之前都应该是过去时态）Nowadays, kindergarten with well educated teachers and excellent facilities replaced the traditional education methods. Children are well protected and can receive systematic education there. Parents do not need to bother the elders to take this responsibility on their behalf. Therefore, the importance of extended family is diminished. （加个定语 就是 ef在哪个方面的重要性降低了呢 而不要这么单一的一句）


Besides, family relationship no longer exclusively rely on face-to-face communication. The employment of advanced communication technology virtually made the world a smaller place. We can easily contact with our family members even they live thousands miles away. With the help of the Internet, we can not only hear them but also see them. In this manner, people around the world are tightly connected. Living separately while sustaining close relationship becomes easy and feasible.

Admittedly, extended families are still preserved by many people in rural area. The deficiency of advanced technology and low level of education system prevent them from forming nuclear family. However, more young generation tend to find jobs and live in major cities. They accept and gradually accustom to the nuclear family life style. They also bring this family form back to the rural.（3个句子的主语一样 连续的 使人疲劳 ） In such a manner, the number of people adopting extended family descending year after year.

In sum, development of education and improvement of communication technologies result in that extended families play secondary role in current society. Based on the analysis above, I am convinced that extended family indeed is less important as it was in the past.
（3个分论点 注意适当detail 加事例 语言缺少变换 建议参考一下richiefhf的 不是说提倡他\她的写法 但是适当的 一定要适当的使用一些模板的句子或者是结构 注意把每个小分论点的主题句写的最前面或者最后）

xiaojing1115UID: 2578357

个人觉得写的很好哦，很有条理，论据也很好，开头再加强点就更完美了

jackallen0714UID: 2510951

非常感谢niuniu的修改！！！
天哪，我怎么老是犯低级错误……
句式确实都是些简单句，恩，以后要加强训练